Dad wanting to move forward need advice please

[dadof195]

I’m a dad but hope it’s ok to ask here for some advice, trying to get perspective.

In short, I was in a relationship with my ex for a while not living together but spent most of our time together.

We broke up and about a month after she told me she was pregnant. I thought it was a joke at first as so cliche but it wasn’t. I wasn’t ready to be a dad and I didn’t want a baby with her, I told her this. That sounds bad writing it out but I want honest advice here so I need to be honest and say I did tell her this, I thought it was a bad idea to carry on with the pregnancy.

As we had broken up I queried the paternity. I went to some of the scans but I was advised not to contribute to any of the financial side until paternity confirmed. I don’t think this went down that well with my ex, she always said the baby was mine. It was a really stressful time for every one.

I did go and see the baby in hospital when he was born and a few times after. I work away in a demanding job so I’m not around always but I did text and ask for pictures and updates and tried to do the right thing.

I didn’t do anything about the paternity side because I didn’t really know how to address it.

My ex went to csa when the baby was 6 months old. I will admit I didn’t react well to this- I tried to explain to her my financial commitments but this fell on deaf ears. I would have helped if I knew she needed it, but she never asked to arrange anything between us just went straight to csa. I asked for the DNA test through which came back that my son is mine.

Since then I have paid every month, and seen my child when I can although not set days. I know the beginning doesn’t sound the best but I really love being a dad now and look forward to spending time with him.

The problem is this, my ex is being really awkward with contact.

I want to spend more time with my son. But my work means that I don’t have the same days off every week. I’ve asked for flexibility but I just seem to get nowhere.

My ex wants set days but then won’t let anyone else collect my child for me, which makes it hard with my work.

I think she makes it hard as she’s full of resentment for the pregnancy and early days of our child’s life. I do get that to an extent but I’m really trying to move forward from it and do the right thing now.

Is my only option here court or is there a better way forward?

You Sound a lot like my ex !
My ex also wanted me to ‘get rid’ when I found out I was 6 months pregnant.
He also denied paternity and so I (rightfully) took him to CSA and we had to have a DNA test .
Test showed he was 99.999999% father and he still had cheek to say there’s still a chance he wasn’t .
So now you know your the father you expect ex to accommodate your working pattern so it suits you? Regardless of your ex taking on 99% of the parenting ?
Honestly it beggars belief .

If I told my (very recent) ex that I was pregnant, and he queried paternity and didn't offer any financial contribution to the upkeep of our baby, I'd go straight to CSA too, rather than opening myself up to further humiliating and offensive dialogue. I am genuinely astonished that you have the nerve to hold onto this as a perceived grievance against her rather than feeling utterly ashamed that you put her in the position of having to go down this route.

oh that old story ' wasn't sure the baby was mine '
of course it was !
and now it's been proved.

as for someone else collecting your child so you can see your child - why !
you want to see your child, you collect your child.
not have someone else look after your child until you are available !

Absolutely, OP is coming across appallingly.

I'm asking for advice as to how I can work with my ex, not against her.

I know I've done wrong in the past but I can't change that now.

I want to be a more active parent, I understand she is doing most of it now and I want to do more but she's putting barriers up to make that unattainable.

I get that I should have offered more support at the time financially or otherwise. I can't go back now and make that bit right. I was badly advised at the time

Presuming this is genuine and not a reverse of the other thread...

You say you didn't refuse, but it shouldn't be for her to ask for your handouts. You have a financial obligation, and rather than seek to put this in place yourself, you chose not to.

You tried to cast aspersions on her character and question paternity, as a way of relieving you of your financial obligations of contributing to things the baby needed before arrival.

Now you seem to think she should agree to a schedule that's not set at all, and all about your work? Why should her life revolve around your work? Your work needs to be structured to provide a stable routine for your child.

If this is real, you are actually a stereotypical cliche of all the men who are posted about on here

Being a parent involves showing up, reliably and responsibly. You aren’t a scatty uncle who might drop by for tea one night this week. She is doing 100% of the parenting if you cannot say when you can be available. You want to work this job because you get paid better for being available on demand. What if she would like a better paid job like that, but can’t, because there’s no one to pick up her slack?

Apologise for your dreadful choices in behaviour and your failure to parent, ask her what she needs. Educate yourself in child development and parenting. Arrange your life in a way that you actively parent the child you made. Exactly what the mother has done.

So ask her what she needs. And then do it.

Your ex won't have the luxury of being flexible in her job either but you want her to take the hit because you're job is obviously more important.

Do this properly, she's had to make a huge number of sacrifices and didn't have you around to support her emotionally through probably one of the most scary and difficult times of her life.

Anything you expect her to do, make sure you're willing to do the same and more.

I had a job I loved that paid welly, with a ridiculous schedule.

Had to jack it in when I became a parent.

Do you want to be a parent or not?

It isn't reasonable to expect your ex to flex her entire life around your changing schedule. If you take it to court you'll have to agree to set days then.

Truthfully though, I am enjoying my new nine to five job and excited about the new opportunities. I'm back to earning the same as I did in my old role and actually have more scope to progress than I did previously.

I think you need to change your way of thinking about this and consider your options and future career path again.

but she's putting barriers up to make that unattainable.

By asking you to commit to times when you will actually parent, instead of you being able to pick and choose? I don’t see how it’s her putting up the barriers…

It's understandable that when you found out you were going to be a father you felt you weren't ready. It must have been really hurtful for her and if you weren't there much. Very difficult situation for all I agree. It's really good that you now want to be a part of his life. It's understandable for her that she would like set days , this sets up consistency with the child. How far away are you from your child.
I don't think going to court is the answer , it will cause stress and resentment all round
You need to try find a way round this together with an open honest chat with her.
Explain you would live to spend time with son and what days and times would suit her so you can plan around your own working schedule. This can be solved if you work together with the child's best interest at heart and find a way forward which works for both if you. Why would someone else pick the child up? He's your son , you need to work with the mother of your child. Good luck hope it works our you.

I see your point. I am going to put some serious thought into the job situation.

No your putting barriers up with your work !

You do seem to genuinely want to step up OP, but I'm afraid you're acting like a rather typical father...you're wanting the baby and your ex to fit around your life instead of the other way around. Let me tell you what life is like for most women - you make your world fit around your child's needs. Why do you think so many mothers are underemployed in minimum wage, part-time jobs? It's not the thrill of parenthood 24/7, it's because you take what you can get in order for you to manage pick up and drop off from nursery/school etc. (And despite marginal improvements in the law, UK society does not support parents/family.)

You can work with your ex by putting yourself in her shoes before you immediately discount her suggestions/requirements. Get rid of the attitude that she is putting up barriers. Asking for set days per week for you to see your child is not unreasonable, it's standard. It will allow her to schedule her work/life and provide consistency for your child. It is also not unreasonable for her to expect you to actually be present during your limited contact time (including picking up your child), especially when they are so young.

I know the pregnancy would have been a hard time for her. I see that now. At the time I was blinkered. The end of the relationship was rocky, I already had concerns about her cheating but what I thought was reasonable at the time, to say well how do I know the baby is mine? I do earn very well compared to her, I did think money might be a motivation for keeping the baby when the relationship was over. Like I say it was stressful for every one.

Do you have parental responsibility? Are you on the birth certificate? I guess not since you didn't think the child was yours.

This is the kind of helpful perspective I need. Thank you

I wasn't but I am now

But my work means that I don’t have the same days off every week. I’ve asked for flexibility but I just seem to get nowhere.

How far ahead do you get your work schedule? How much notice are you giving her?

Are you taking time off work to look after your child if they are sick, have to be collected from nursery, etc, or are you leaving all that to her too? Are you assuming, just like you did when it came to paying for your child, that if she asked me then we could have sorted that between us.

You sound like a really passive “bare minimum I can get away with” father tbh.

Didn’t occur to you to pay child support until forced to, doesn’t occur to you that your ex can’t work around your need for flexibility, probably hasn’t occurred to you that you should be equally responsible for taking time off work when needed for your child. You want to walk in when it suits you and walk off again with no responsibility until the next time you can find a space in your busy schedule that you expect your ex to be fully flexible around.

You need to apologise for being a right royal dick. You knew their was a very strong probability that the baby was yours. She was your girlfriend. You were in a relationship. She shouldn't have to ask you for support. You should have given it freely whilst waiting for a DNA test. Instead you went on your marry way until she forced you to take responsibility and even then you were pissed off. Now you know you have a son your still not present. You need to change your job and prioritise contact with your child. Your contact time isn't for your parents it's for you as a dad. If you want to spend some time with them while you have your son then do that but you don't get to palm off your responsibilities. I'd let Ex lead on contact. You need to demonstrate that your capable and reliable. You need to build up contact slowly so your son is happy and comfortable. Hopefully, you'll be able to make up for your past failings and be a good dad and co-parent.

Csa did back date and I paid the full amount.

Really? How did that work, OP?

Nonsense. You'd already said you weren't going to pay CM until paternity was proven. You were just evading responsibility and you still are