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Original poster

Dad wanting to move forward need advice please

477 replies

dadof195 · 29/09/2024 15:44

I’m a dad but hope it’s ok to ask here for some advice, trying to get perspective.

In short, I was in a relationship with my ex for a while not living together but spent most of our time together.

We broke up and about a month after she told me she was pregnant. I thought it was a joke at first as so cliche but it wasn’t. I wasn’t ready to be a dad and I didn’t want a baby with her, I told her this. That sounds bad writing it out but I want honest advice here so I need to be honest and say I did tell her this, I thought it was a bad idea to carry on with the pregnancy.

As we had broken up I queried the paternity. I went to some of the scans but I was advised not to contribute to any of the financial side until paternity confirmed. I don’t think this went down that well with my ex, she always said the baby was mine. It was a really stressful time for every one.

I did go and see the baby in hospital when he was born and a few times after. I work away in a demanding job so I’m not around always but I did text and ask for pictures and updates and tried to do the right thing.

I didn’t do anything about the paternity side because I didn’t really know how to address it.

My ex went to csa when the baby was 6 months old. I will admit I didn’t react well to this- I tried to explain to her my financial commitments but this fell on deaf ears. I would have helped if I knew she needed it, but she never asked to arrange anything between us just went straight to csa. I asked for the DNA test through which came back that my son is mine.

Since then I have paid every month, and seen my child when I can although not set days. I know the beginning doesn’t sound the best but I really love being a dad now and look forward to spending time with him.

The problem is this, my ex is being really awkward with contact.

I want to spend more time with my son. But my work means that I don’t have the same days off every week. I’ve asked for flexibility but I just seem to get nowhere.

My ex wants set days but then won’t let anyone else collect my child for me, which makes it hard with my work.

I think she makes it hard as she’s full of resentment for the pregnancy and early days of our child’s life. I do get that to an extent but I’m really trying to move forward from it and do the right thing now.

Is my only option here court or is there a better way forward?

OP posts:
Twofifty · 29/09/2024 17:26

I tried to explain to her my financial commitments but this fell on deaf ears. I would have helped if I knew she needed it, but she never asked to arrange anything between us just went straight to csa. I asked for the DNA test through which came back that my son is mine.

You said you earn very well compared to your ex, but you tried to get out of paying by explaining to her that you have financial commitments? Ain't no financial commitment like a baby. You'd have 'helped' if you knew she needed it? All the while knowing you're well paid and she isn't? Who advised you not to pay?

Lavenderflower · 29/09/2024 17:26

I don't have any advice other than re-consider your job. Children benefit from a consistent routine. It good for child to know when they are seeing you. I think once you are in a better situation, you in better position to have set schedule.

User364837 · 29/09/2024 17:27

is your job 7 days a week? How does it work in terms of you knowing in advance when you’re working?

finding it hard to see why it wouldn’t be possible to have notice or a day a week when it’s accepted you’re not available for work due to caring responsibilities

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 29/09/2024 17:27

You have some bridges to build with your ex. Reading your posts, I believe that you love your son now and want him in your life, but you certainly didn't to start with; you wanted the pregnancy terminated and then to avoid paying child support. At the same time, you accused your ex of cheating on you and then lying about paternity, which are serious accusations. It's not surprising that she wants arrangements nailed down and not left to good will when it comes to access. Expecting her to hand over a very small child to somebody other than yourself is not on, unless it is somebody she knows well and trusts. You need to put a lot of effort into building a respectful and trusting relationship with your ex as well as being a good dad to your son; in fact they are parts of the same whole, because you child will be safer and happier with a mum who is relaxed and confident about handing him over than one who is worried. And children love their parents to be on good terms even if not a couple any more. Good luck.

kittybiscuits · 29/09/2024 17:28

dadof195 · 29/09/2024 17:03

I get that I should have offered more support at the time financially or otherwise. I can't go back now and make that bit right. I was badly advised at the time

Stop blaming other people under the guise of 'bad advice'. You made shitty decisions and you're still not taking any responsibility. Nightmare. Bog standard crap bloke.

Original poster
dadof195 · 29/09/2024 17:28

AutumnCrow · 29/09/2024 17:22

Csa did back date and I paid the full amount.

Really? How did that work, OP?

They backdate it to when she put the application in, the amount was adjusted to more to cover the arrears

OP posts:
Snowdrops17 · 29/09/2024 17:31

"I did go and see the baby in hospital when he was born and a few times after. I work away in a demanding job so I’m not around always but I did text and ask for pictures and updates*"
*
I actually don't blame her if it were me I would of just cut you off you handled the whole thing horribly your only thought was of protecting yourself and not your child and can't or won't prioritise them over work . I think you are lucky she lets you see him at all you do not sound like the nicest person . Imagine being left on your own to birth and raise a child and the father not only questioning if it's his but not even helping financially . I want to give her a hug you have absolutely no understanding of how hard all of that must of been for her .

Original poster
dadof195 · 29/09/2024 17:31

AutumnCrow · 29/09/2024 17:22

Csa did back date and I paid the full amount.

Really? How did that work, OP?

I earn well but I don't have much disposable as I was building investments for the future. All I did was try and explain to her that my son would benefit from that. I didn't totally understand at the time and there was a lot of bad feeling between us. I've adjusted my life and outgoings now and pay for my son. I want him to have everything he needs

OP posts:
MSLRT · 29/09/2024 17:32

Snowdrops17 · 29/09/2024 17:31

"I did go and see the baby in hospital when he was born and a few times after. I work away in a demanding job so I’m not around always but I did text and ask for pictures and updates*"
*
I actually don't blame her if it were me I would of just cut you off you handled the whole thing horribly your only thought was of protecting yourself and not your child and can't or won't prioritise them over work . I think you are lucky she lets you see him at all you do not sound like the nicest person . Imagine being left on your own to birth and raise a child and the father not only questioning if it's his but not even helping financially . I want to give her a hug you have absolutely no understanding of how hard all of that must of been for her .

Couldn't agree more.

Original poster
dadof195 · 29/09/2024 17:34

Snowdrops17 · 29/09/2024 17:31

"I did go and see the baby in hospital when he was born and a few times after. I work away in a demanding job so I’m not around always but I did text and ask for pictures and updates*"
*
I actually don't blame her if it were me I would of just cut you off you handled the whole thing horribly your only thought was of protecting yourself and not your child and can't or won't prioritise them over work . I think you are lucky she lets you see him at all you do not sound like the nicest person . Imagine being left on your own to birth and raise a child and the father not only questioning if it's his but not even helping financially . I want to give her a hug you have absolutely no understanding of how hard all of that must of been for her .

I don't want to assume if you are a man or a woman but if it were your son in the situation what would you tell him to do? The relationship was rocky and I genuinely wasn't sure if the baby was mine initially. We were already split up when she told me. I could have handled it better but I want to make things work now and have my son in my life

OP posts:
ItWasOnAStarryNight · 29/09/2024 17:34

What's your job OP?

Original poster
dadof195 · 29/09/2024 17:34

I also offered to be present at the birth but she didn't want me there

OP posts:
Lovesgreen · 29/09/2024 17:36

She may be upset if you moving jobs results in a drop in your payments to her. Time for an open conversation that you want to spend more time with your son and are willing to change jobs to have set days but this could result in paying her less. Don't make it an ultimatum but just say you want to ensure she is aware of this and is OK with it before you go ahead

Littleorangeflowers · 29/09/2024 17:39

Can you offer to support her job - like call in sick on your job if your son needs care?

Can you backdate the CSA even further, to when he was born, not her application.

Can you offer to have him on any set days at all? Like anything?

Can you tell her you understand that she doesn't trust you and it might take time for her to forgive and you get that.

Can you ask her what she and son needs and get it? Use your financial power to provide.

Can you open up a savings in his name or put money aside.

Can you buy him clothing that he can wear even if he's still hers.

In the future can you buy uniform and pay for school trips?

Can you take it easy because he's only two. You've got a long way to go.

I think you mean well and made a mistake. Good luck.

Littleorangeflowers · 29/09/2024 17:39

Still at hers, her house I mean

HelloMyNameIsElderSmurf · 29/09/2024 17:40

dadof195 · 29/09/2024 17:34

I also offered to be present at the birth but she didn't want me there

Well yeah, you'd accused her of cheating, actively believed she was lying to you about the paternity of her child and generally had been behaving appallingly for the duration of her pregnancy! I mean, why would she want you there at the most frightening, vulnerable and actually dangerous moments of her life?

You need to stop coming up with excuses. Is there a third party, like a mediation service, that can help work with you both to find a solution?

She currently has no flexibility in her life, she's 100% responsible for a tiny person whose needs come first. It's a bit rich to expect her to also bend for you, don't you think?

Could you maybe share what's she's offering for contact vs what your schedule looks like?

SheilaFentiman · 29/09/2024 17:41

dadof195 · 29/09/2024 17:28

They backdate it to when she put the application in, the amount was adjusted to more to cover the arrears

Show quote history

So did you pay for months 0-6 of your child’s life, in the end? Given she didn’t go to CSA until he was 6 months.

Snowdrops17 · 29/09/2024 17:41

@dadof195 I think you genuinely need to sit down and comprehend what you have done to that woman. You should have addressed paternity as soon as baby was born and looked after her and your son ! You absolutely have to try build bridges with your ex but more importantly your son is your main priority not your job.

If it were my son he wouldn't leave a pregnant woman to fend for herself I would make sure she was looked after and not stressed out of her mind. It really sounds like money matters to you above all else . I just hope she had family to support her

Original poster
dadof195 · 29/09/2024 17:41

Littleorangeflowers · 29/09/2024 17:39

Can you offer to support her job - like call in sick on your job if your son needs care?

Can you backdate the CSA even further, to when he was born, not her application.

Can you offer to have him on any set days at all? Like anything?

Can you tell her you understand that she doesn't trust you and it might take time for her to forgive and you get that.

Can you ask her what she and son needs and get it? Use your financial power to provide.

Can you open up a savings in his name or put money aside.

Can you buy him clothing that he can wear even if he's still hers.

In the future can you buy uniform and pay for school trips?

Can you take it easy because he's only two. You've got a long way to go.

I think you mean well and made a mistake. Good luck.

All good suggestions. Thanks

OP posts:
Isittoolatea · 29/09/2024 17:44

dadof195 · 29/09/2024 17:31

I earn well but I don't have much disposable as I was building investments for the future. All I did was try and explain to her that my son would benefit from that. I didn't totally understand at the time and there was a lot of bad feeling between us. I've adjusted my life and outgoings now and pay for my son. I want him to have everything he needs

Show quote history

My ex went to csa when the baby was 6 months old is what you said .
So have you paid her anything for the 6 months before for ‘your son’?

Original poster
dadof195 · 29/09/2024 17:44

Snowdrops17 · 29/09/2024 17:41

@dadof195 I think you genuinely need to sit down and comprehend what you have done to that woman. You should have addressed paternity as soon as baby was born and looked after her and your son ! You absolutely have to try build bridges with your ex but more importantly your son is your main priority not your job.

If it were my son he wouldn't leave a pregnant woman to fend for herself I would make sure she was looked after and not stressed out of her mind. It really sounds like money matters to you above all else . I just hope she had family to support her

When I say I was badly advised it was by family and friends who said I should pay towards a child that I wasn't sure was mine. In hindsight this was probably poor advice to take as my family never really liked my ex so it was skewed by that

OP posts:
Asterales · 29/09/2024 17:46

HelloMyNameIsElderSmurf · 29/09/2024 17:40

Well yeah, you'd accused her of cheating, actively believed she was lying to you about the paternity of her child and generally had been behaving appallingly for the duration of her pregnancy! I mean, why would she want you there at the most frightening, vulnerable and actually dangerous moments of her life?

You need to stop coming up with excuses. Is there a third party, like a mediation service, that can help work with you both to find a solution?

She currently has no flexibility in her life, she's 100% responsible for a tiny person whose needs come first. It's a bit rich to expect her to also bend for you, don't you think?

Could you maybe share what's she's offering for contact vs what your schedule looks like?

Show quote history

I could not agree more with this. You have absolutely no comprehension of what you have put this woman through. Thinking that offering to attend the birth was you being reasonable/doing her a favour, after the way you behaved immediately prior to that, would be laughable if it wasn't so absolutely ridiculous.

Original poster
dadof195 · 29/09/2024 17:48

@Isittoolatea I got the letter then it took a while to sort the dna test out, it was backdated to either when she applied or when they contacted me can't remember which.
So no I didn't give her money as such for the first 6 months of my sons life, I didn't really think of it that way. But as soon as I had confirmation that he is mine I went out and got lots of new things for him, new pushchair, car seat, cot, toys clothing all for her to have at her house for him as I knew I didn't help with those things and I wanted to try and make right. The pram she had was given to her so at the time she was really happy to have the new things for him.

So should I offer to pay the 0-6 months then at the csa amount? I am honestly trying to get on better terms and I'll do whatever it takes. The job I can't change overnight but I'm gonna to do some serious thinking

OP posts:
Timeheals · 29/09/2024 17:50

This is all about trust and dependability. You didn’t trust her at the beginning and acted as such (whatever the reason.. although I would suggest stop blaming it on others, you have agency and made your own decisions). She saw you were not someone she could depend on and that she couldn’t trust you. At the same time there was this new human who needs her to protect him with everything she has. Seems very logical that she went straight to cms. If you want to rebuild trust it starts with you showing you are dependable and that may mean set days as well as being there when things unexpectedly go wrong.

LondonPapa · 29/09/2024 17:50

dadof195 · 29/09/2024 17:09

I see your point. I am going to put some serious thought into the job situation.

Show quote history

Personally speaking, as a father, I wouldn’t sacrifice my salary in the short term. But it does depend on how much we’re talking. Is it £50k or £100k? Very different salaries with different expectations and I wouldn’t downgrade from a £100k but might from £50k as on-call for £50k is a joke.