Dad wanting to move forward need advice please

[dadof195]

I’m a dad but hope it’s ok to ask here for some advice, trying to get perspective.

In short, I was in a relationship with my ex for a while not living together but spent most of our time together.

We broke up and about a month after she told me she was pregnant. I thought it was a joke at first as so cliche but it wasn’t. I wasn’t ready to be a dad and I didn’t want a baby with her, I told her this. That sounds bad writing it out but I want honest advice here so I need to be honest and say I did tell her this, I thought it was a bad idea to carry on with the pregnancy.

As we had broken up I queried the paternity. I went to some of the scans but I was advised not to contribute to any of the financial side until paternity confirmed. I don’t think this went down that well with my ex, she always said the baby was mine. It was a really stressful time for every one.

I did go and see the baby in hospital when he was born and a few times after. I work away in a demanding job so I’m not around always but I did text and ask for pictures and updates and tried to do the right thing.

I didn’t do anything about the paternity side because I didn’t really know how to address it.

My ex went to csa when the baby was 6 months old. I will admit I didn’t react well to this- I tried to explain to her my financial commitments but this fell on deaf ears. I would have helped if I knew she needed it, but she never asked to arrange anything between us just went straight to csa. I asked for the DNA test through which came back that my son is mine.

Since then I have paid every month, and seen my child when I can although not set days. I know the beginning doesn’t sound the best but I really love being a dad now and look forward to spending time with him.

The problem is this, my ex is being really awkward with contact.

I want to spend more time with my son. But my work means that I don’t have the same days off every week. I’ve asked for flexibility but I just seem to get nowhere.

My ex wants set days but then won’t let anyone else collect my child for me, which makes it hard with my work.

I think she makes it hard as she’s full of resentment for the pregnancy and early days of our child’s life. I do get that to an extent but I’m really trying to move forward from it and do the right thing now.

Is my only option here court or is there a better way forward?

can you take some responsibility.

what happens if your sons mum decides they can't be flexible. Would you expect her to say she can't look after him as she has to work. To keep a roof over his head.

If your proposed visit days are on a nursery day it’s incredibly hard to find a flexible nursery that will accommodate a change to set days. They will still charge for attendance even if the child isn’t there.

Also depending on the age of your child routine is really important.

You haven’t clarified how old you son is and how long you have been seeing your son for? Do you have overnight visits?

Can she learn to trust the grandparents to pick up so you can have set days? Is there any way that relationship can be mended? Can they help with repairing things with her so she might trust them to do a little to help you? Little one is under two so she might be a little protective. I can understand that. It might change when he is 4! And again when he is 14?!

Can she learn to trust the grandparents to pick up so you can have set days? Is there any way that relationship can be mended? Can they help with repairing things with her so she might trust them to do a little to help you? Little one is under two so she might be a little protective. I can understand that. It might change when he is 4! And again when he is 14?!

You may find that you can get flexibility from your job if you ask for it. Especially if you are willing to offer something in return. In my experience all 7 day a week jobs have shifts that are more popular and shifts that everyone hates. If you offer to always work on a Saturday in return for always being off on a Wednesday then you may find that that works out ok.

And please take responsibility for your own fertility to prevent this happening again. I understand you had no control over the pregnancy continuing but she didn't get pregnant on her own.

It has never been the arrangement in a case like that.

No father has ever been asked to pay CM plus half of the childcare fees.

The OP is responsible fir organising childcare when he is looking after his child (whatever that means for him)

What about the rest of your child's life? You only paid maintenance from when she forced you to take responsibility.

Yes I was also going to say that if OPs choice of childcare is grandparents for a while after nursery before he gets home then that's ok, no?

But what discussion is there to be had? She was the one who was pregnant and she wanted to keep her baby. It’s nonsense to keep stating this as the issue because even if she had sat down and listened for hours on end about all you reasons for wanting to abort the baby and then still decide to go ahead you and your parents would have still behaved in the same way.

Is there a third party who might be acceptable to pick up or drop off? Maybe her parents or a friend (and you pay their travel expenses)? You need to think flexibly here.

Okay, so your parents are "quite traditional" and didn't envisage this being the way they'd have a first grandchild. Well guess what? This is the way it is. And who's responsible for that?? Newsflash! It's you! Not all down to your ex! It sounds to me like they look down on her and you've been perfectly happy to shove all the blame onto her while you bask in their misplaced approval and characterise her as the chancing, uncooperative, difficult woman who was probably lying about paternity until oops, ok, maybe she wasn't but it's still not fair because now she wants you to pay for your baby and turn up for contact and boo hoo it's just all so difficult.
Just fucking take responsibility and stop standing by while your parents judge her. Why the fuck should she apologise for anything?

It has never been the arrangement in a case like that.
No father has ever been asked to pay CM plus half of the childcare fees.

No I know.

But I mean if Op wants to do the best he can for his son.

That would include helping the mum with the expenses incurred in working full time wouldn't it?

I don’t think that is what is happening. I think the ex puts the child in nursery Monday to Wednesday (say) but also works Thursday and needs a commitment that OP will have the child on Thursdays. As OP cannot commit to this, he wants his parents (who think the ex should have had an abortion) to pick the child up from ex on a Thursday.

Is that about right, OP?

Because if so, it would be easier to solve this by making pickups and drop offs happen at nursery, so that the child’s family members who don’t get on do not have to meet.

OP, this is a good post, I'd heed the advice of this poster.

As a father you aren't prepared to change jobs or alter the working situation to guarantee you can see your son. I appreciate it's hard. But consider your ex. She has to negotiate a working life around having been pregnant and post partum, parenting solo for a chunk of time, on presumably very tight finances, and she certainly doesn't have the luxury to stick to the exact same work schedule or job or maybe even career (or anything approaching flexibility) she had before, and doesn't just see her child a little bit, so she can have a job she wants. Obviously life as a single mother isn't like that.

Being a parent is very hard to juggle alongside life. Paying the missing months of Child Support and being upfront and honest about the mistakes you made, and how to make it right, and how very hard you realise this as the primary parent for her, is a good first step.

I do rather bite my lip at the position of “my son’s ex should have an abortion post breakup” being described as “traditional”

Rather than “my son should step up for the child he fathered”

Your decision ends when you ejaculate in to a vagina. You do not get to participate in decisions regarding a woman's body. Your parents are incorrect. Use contraception.

Also, at 2 he is tiny and his mum has been his whole world since he was born. She can't just hand him over to people she doesn't know- your parents. Is it possible for them to spend time with him at her house so that they can get to know your son and his mum and build up a trusting relationship.

It is. But they haven't got legally arranged access so OP is currently reliant on the mother's agreement to see his son at all. He's not going to get anywhere if he tries to say what she can or can't do.

A woman continues with a pregnancy after a relationship ends because she wants to have the baby and/or does not want a termination. Her body, her decision. Of course her decision affects the man too, but can't you see it would be outrageous for a man to say 'I don't want a baby with you so you'll have to get rid of it'.

That was your son in this situation.

Unfortunately, you fail to take responsibility over and over again. You have control of where you sow your seed. That's it. Once you shot your load your choices are over. She doesn't have to take your opinion into consideration. It's her body. It will be her physical, metal, phycological health impacted. It's all good and well asking someone to terminate because it has absolutely no impact on you.

I'm not surprised she said horrible stuff about you. She would have to be a saint not to say horrible stuff about you. You treated her horribly.

Offer set days but only if she agrees that grandparents can do some pick ups. If she refuses then go to court for set days. Its not unreasonable to have grandparents do some pick ups and ser days are better for your child and your ex. Put everything in writing. You behaved like a prick but it seems you're trying to do the right thing now.

@dadof195 also bear in mind that kids grow really quickly, there will be times when he needs new shoes and clothes as nothing fits.

Also school uniform, pocket money and a little extra for the expense of summer holidays will be appreciated by your ex, particularly if you offered without being asked first.

Also school trips, usually really expensive!