AIBU? Been on 2 dates and he keeps saying sexual things which is making me uncomfortable

[Anonymousmummmy]

This is kind of a AIBU one. I (late twenties) started talking to a guy (late thirties) around a month ago and we are getting on like a house on fire. He’s literally great; everything I’ve been looking for and seems to be super into me. We are both after something serious and want marriage/children. We’ve been on 2 dates but haven’t kissed yet because I haven’t been ready to. We speak on the phone, message, and send voice notes multiple times each day. He started saying the odd sexual thing which I kind of ignored or laughed off each time, but it’s started getting more and more and it’s making me feel uncomfortable and making me back off which I really don’t want. I am quite a reserved person and I’ve made this clear to him.

He said something really sexual yesterday about what he likes done to him and I told him nicely that it’s too much and too soon to be saying stuff like that to me. He then replied something sexual again to me!

I appreciate everyone’s different but I won’t have sex with someone unless I’m exclusive with them and can see it (hope it will anyway) going all the way with them, and I don’t tend to kiss someone until at least a few dates in when I’m more comfortable around them. He keeps saying it’s lucky he’s so patient. I mean, we’ve only been on 2 dates I’m not really sure what he was expecting.

Anyway! This is THE only thing I’m not liking; everything else couldn’t be more perfect. How can I tell him to stop sending messages to me like this without pushing him away or making him feel embarrassed or annoyed with my response? Am I being over the top and this is very normal?

Usually guys I date don’t talk like this in the beginning; it’s only when I’ve got to know them a lot better and then the ‘other side’ of them comes out, and so does mine! Obviously the more subtle odd comment here and there is nice but explaining what he likes sexually and what he wants me to do to him and how to act is a complete turn off at this point to me.

These are awful. Honestly Im only mid thirties and been with dh since 19 and there were and never have been messages like this sent, feels a bit vomit inducing to me!

I often wonder if we ever divorced how I'd navigate dating as I've seen quite a few threads on mumsnet about men like this.

I'd seen a great post the other day on a boundaries thread and a poster said something in response to being told your a kink shamer. To say OK that's fine but my boundaries are for dating and sex to be disney, and nice and sweet. Can't remember exact words but she made sense. In how to asser your boundaries as that.

I worry for my daughter and me as a parent advising her how to navigate these slime balls in the next decade or so😕

He is a total creep.
I think that type of sexual pushiness, ignoring your boundary implies he could be dangerous.
I would not trust him.
Dump the creep.

Disgusting

I dated a bloke like this once. He started turning nasty very quickly. I ended it as soon as I could and am so relieved I did, even now years later.

I think he sees you as a challenge and once he's got you into bed he's going to dump you and move onto the next one. He's taking the piss out of you wanting to wait and talking about his erection is gross. How's that romantic or seductive? Speaks volumes that his idea of talking about sex is only talking about himself and his penis, and buying you lingerie. Nothing about you in there, it's all about what he wants. I had a boyfriend like this back in the day, and he ended up coercing me into sex i didn't want.

I think I'm autistic too and one of the hardest things about dating is not knowing if someone's genuine or not - i take everything at face value and i can be very naive which means it's a total minefield trying to work out whether someone actually means something they've said - its hard enough day to day at work for example, without involving sex into the equation as well.

I once met someone on OLD when i was about 22 and after we chatted a bit, getting on well, he asked me for photos. I spent ages doing my hair and make up and sent him some pretty headshots. Went on one date (didn't have sex) and then he ghosted me. Wasnt until about 2 years later i realized he was actually asking for nudes!! 😁told you i was naive!

Please dump this man. Be very direct. You do not owe him an apology and you don’t need to justify yourself. The best MN advice ever is “no is a complete sentence”. Say something very clear and simple like: “I’ve considered our messages over the last few days and concluded we’re not compatible and I don’t wish to pursue the relationship. I wish you the best for the future.” That’s it. Then block him. Don’t start saying anything to explain it such as “I feel you’ve not respected my boundaries” (even though it’s true), because he’ll just turn it into an argument to keep you and make excuses about how he’s got it wrong but going forward he will definitely respect them….he won’t. He’s shown you who he is - believe him.

It would be worth looking into the Freedom Programme. It’s designed to support women to recognise signs of predatory or abusive men and help you to avoid those relationships going forward. I think you’d get a lot out of it.

@Anonymousmummmy this one has predator written all over him. Bin him today

you don’t owe him any kind of explanation or anything

you were clear about what was acceptable to you, you stated your boundaries and he’s not only ignored them, he’s doubled down.

there is literally no chance at all of you ever having a safe relationship with this guy. He’s an abuser and a bad one at that.

He'd have got you into bed and that would have been it

He'd have pushed every boundary you have

Nasty

Please do as pp has suggested, try the Freedom Programme.

It would be good for you and your child, if you focused on yourself and him, and getting standards and boundaries in place before looking for a relationship.

@ManchesterGirl2 100%

Oh @Anonymousmummmy, YUCK!

I usually buy a girl lingerie on the ~third~ forth date, but maybe it’s ’TOO BLOODY SOON’ 😤 haha’

I read this as him referring to a period.

Anyone else? Or is my red flag radar on such high alert that I read in between the lines on most things.

Block him OP, he’s a creep. Your intuition is right.

Oh no 🙈. I think you're right. So immature. Yuk

I took it as he has been pushing for sex and doing things in the bedroom but OP wants to take things slowly so buying her lingerie would be 'too soon' for her. Basically, he is just whinging she set boundaries in regards to sex and that she wants them to take time.

I read it as a passive aggressive way of expressing himself when he was possibly thinking,
"I usually buy a girl lingerie on the ~third~ forth date, but I suppose you're going to think that's wrong and too fucking soon too, along with your other issues around sex, you stupid prick-teasing prude 🙄😠" instead.

He used "bloody" as a nicer way of swearing at OP so he wouldn't seem such an arsehole. As others have mentioned, I think underneath his passive aggressive messages, with their innocent emojis, is pure aggression and frustration.

Dont entertain him, block and delete. I get this all the time OLD. It's disrespectful and 9/10 times if you agree to his advances they are soon to disappear. It is a horrible dating world where there.are no boundaries or respect.

Excellent post! Just dodged a similar bullet. There seems to be no boundaries or consideration for anyone's feelings anymore. I've just binned all my dating apps because of this.

Please don't think you are stupid or naïve. There are some very clever liars out there. But it's not you! Hugs x

This is so true. OP I hope you can now see he really isn’t the dream you thought might come true.

I hope by now you’ve blocked him from further contact with you and put this horrid experience behind you. He isn’t nice and he never will be, and you’d feel so very much worse if you’d capitulated.

Absolutely this.
He's just pretending to be nice and showing the real him by disregarding your request. He's being disrespectful by continuing to send content you have stated that you don't like.

In future I find this comment helpful 'I'm not really much of a texter, I prefer to communicate in person :) Occasionally is fine but I don't like being tied to my phone you see'. Ideally this is said in person on a date but if you feel they are demanding too much of your time before then, you can say it via messaging.

This does 2 things:

1. It sets a boundary and you can watch to see if they overstep it. If they start texting every day, you know they don't listen to 'no'. Same thing if they act like you asking for this speed and space isn't OK.
2. It means that most of your getting to know them time is spent with them in person. Not them hiding behind a screen.
3. It stops your connection from forming in too much of a rush. Allowing it to grow organically over time and dating instead.
4. It allows you headspace to think and decompress after conversations. (See like how you are now, looking back now over things this guy has said and thinking 'ah. Nope!'. Space let's you do that).

I actually don't give my number out until I'm on the first date either. You can say 'I have a rule to only message online until I've met the person'. A good response from them would be 'that's cool, quite a smart thing to do infact' and they do not ask for your number again until you give it. A bad response would be them being like 'why? :(' and asking you for it again before you are ready to give it. Dirch men like the later.

But basically there's no reason to be messaging every single day with someone you've only been on a few dates with. Certainly not all day every day. I know sometimes we get caught up in it (especially if he's cute right? 😀). Get comfortable with asking for space. If he's good for you, a day or two between contact, between dates, won't change that.

You can say things warmly like 'hey just so you don't think I'm being off with you, I don't like good morning texts, I don't like to be woken for a start :p so heads up'. (If he continues with the good moring texts.

Or (after a few dates) 'sorry handsome, I'm not much of a texter, do you mind if we just have a (quick) midweek phonecall instead? I'm free Wednesday if it suits you? Still looking forwards to seeing you on saturday'.

Saying no doesn't have to be 'cold'.
(Though if it needs to be, that's fine)

But its important to firmly claim your space.

Agreed. She's only dated him twice and he's already angry about not getting his sexual self-entitlement fulfilled. This seems like a psychosexually disturbed individual.
It's pretty much guaranteed he'd try to push her boundaries during sex, admonishing her for "kink shaming" because she was upset that he wanted to choke her or whatever.

It's lucky he's been so patient? Grim creepy fucker 🤮

Yes, to me this just sounds as if he’s too keen, and that his real focus is on a sexual conquest rather than gently moving forward in a potentially intimate relationship.