AIBU? Been on 2 dates and he keeps saying sexual things which is making me uncomfortable

[Anonymousmummmy]

This is kind of a AIBU one. I (late twenties) started talking to a guy (late thirties) around a month ago and we are getting on like a house on fire. He’s literally great; everything I’ve been looking for and seems to be super into me. We are both after something serious and want marriage/children. We’ve been on 2 dates but haven’t kissed yet because I haven’t been ready to. We speak on the phone, message, and send voice notes multiple times each day. He started saying the odd sexual thing which I kind of ignored or laughed off each time, but it’s started getting more and more and it’s making me feel uncomfortable and making me back off which I really don’t want. I am quite a reserved person and I’ve made this clear to him.

He said something really sexual yesterday about what he likes done to him and I told him nicely that it’s too much and too soon to be saying stuff like that to me. He then replied something sexual again to me!

I appreciate everyone’s different but I won’t have sex with someone unless I’m exclusive with them and can see it (hope it will anyway) going all the way with them, and I don’t tend to kiss someone until at least a few dates in when I’m more comfortable around them. He keeps saying it’s lucky he’s so patient. I mean, we’ve only been on 2 dates I’m not really sure what he was expecting.

Anyway! This is THE only thing I’m not liking; everything else couldn’t be more perfect. How can I tell him to stop sending messages to me like this without pushing him away or making him feel embarrassed or annoyed with my response? Am I being over the top and this is very normal?

Usually guys I date don’t talk like this in the beginning; it’s only when I’ve got to know them a lot better and then the ‘other side’ of them comes out, and so does mine! Obviously the more subtle odd comment here and there is nice but explaining what he likes sexually and what he wants me to do to him and how to act is a complete turn off at this point to me.

Those messages are vile, Remove all the emojis and hahas and they are threats.

The niceness you're seeing is his act to get you into bed. It's very clear this is his priority, not you.

I am normally not shocked by much but seriously those messages are vile threats. End and block NOW!

@yesornothatisthequestion just started to write my reply, read yours and realised no need.😂

I would actually say 'i don't find you intimidating, Arthur, what's ramping up is my level of disgust. Particularly at the overuse of emojis to try and temper your sexual pushiness after two dates'.

then block. This is not good behaviour. He is creepy and prurient and manipulative. Also, everyone has different levels of contact but it sounds like you're spending too much time chatting and sending voice notes before and between very early dates. You actually bond in person.

I totally agree with this. He's not a good guy. At all.

Also 'erection', and 'normally buy lingerie on the third or forth [sic] date'. Cringe.

😰

Those messages are awful OP. Genuinely horrible.

It's great that you came here to ask. But it does seem like your radar is off, to be unsure on this. Maybe you could look into ways to work on your boundaries and confidence, to listen to your instincts and fend off men like this at the first sign.

No man is entitled to tell you what you'll do for him sexuality, the fact he told you what he wanted and how you'd do it is a no no in my book. He's one big red flag Op

Oh yuk. This is really vile. I'm so sorry for you definitely ditch him

Don’t say anything in your message to provoke him - just a bland ‘it isn’t going to work out’ or even better ‘I’ve decided not to date anymore as I am better on my own”. Nothing he can come back with a persausion or take offence. Does he know where you live?

He's only met you twice and is already desperate for sex. That's grim. He's been saying affectionate things and telling you you're everything he's been looking for because he wants you to hurry up and have sex with him. Dump him.

I completely agree. The clever, witty and funny come backs from other posters are amazing only when used by women with rock solid confidence who have no fear of a man stalking them etc. It sounds like you've already been taken in a bit by him and if you give him ammunition he will just argue/try and "win" you back/might claim it was all joking and rein it in temporarily/change tack but ultimately his goal is the same.
You are vulnerable op and to this creep you're just another notch on his bed post.

’Thankfully I am very well know for my INCREDIBLE, never ending, relentless patience!! 😰😰😰 Just hope I don’t get one (an erection) around you any time soon!! 🤣’

whats he implying, he will have to use it whether you like it or not? 🤨

I wonder why hes single?!
🚩
sounds like a sex pest! 2 dates in and already the flags are waving. Throw this one back

I wanted to post on this one as I have had something similar (up to the pre-date stage)

It’s so interesting people are noticing this about me from just that post because my BD actually went to prison for 6 months for stalking me among other things, and another guy forced me into sex after a first date when I was younger even though I said no over and over again which massively affects me to this day. I’m ‘mildly’ autistic and although I am very confident in myself and know exactly what I want in a partner and have a good job, I tend to believe everything someone says to me and can’t really distinguish between someone being genuine vs not. Finding it really challenging/near impossible to meet someone decent! Keep thinking I’ve met someone lovely finally, and then it’s not actually the case and I think others would probably have spotted ‘red flags’ much earlier on than me. Nightmare!😅

So I met someone (online this time) and the red flags were there from the get go. We talked for about 4 weeks seemed to click but from him it was sexual. Ask him anything about his life and he wouldn’t answer. Then he started getting pushy. Asking for photos videos and if I didn’t send him then straight away he got funny accused me of doing it on purpose…. The list goes on. Talking from experience here if he doesn’t respect your boundaries in this short space of time then he isn’t the one for you. Be careful X

Absolutely - his messages are filled with resentment and suppressed anger.

I think a pp suggested if OP just wants a fling based on sex she should go ahead, but I disagree completely.

As we’ve all established, this man is a whole parade of red flags. So why would you get into a vulnerable position with this individual who has displayed a clear pattern of not respecting boundaries?

Getting into bed with someone like this could have disastrous consequences if they push boundaries during sex too.

Even if you just have a FWB relationship with someone there still needs to be a basic level of respect and a degree of affection.

All in all a disrespectful man who disregards your feelings, is angry when you say no and just sees you as a sex object is a dangerous man. I’d advise you to stay clear and cut communication.

Oh op im sorry. I speak from bitter experience, I was taken in a lot and sadly had similar experiences. Maybe take a step back from online dating and focus on your hobbies and interests? This will help you with your social skills but in a safe environment.
Go on the assumption that the vast majority of men on online dating are guilty until proving innocent of being lying sex pests and you can't go far wrong!

And if that means that someone is temporarily wary of a true and genuine man, I'd rather that than a woman have an unwanted and unpleasant sexual experience.
Things take time and actions speak louder than words (although in this case his words are speaking quite clearly for him!!!).
Learn all about love bombing. That's what you are vulnerable to if you are naive and see the best in people all the time.

This is clearly a guy who doesn't respect boundaries, OP, and every one of these incredibly clumsy and crude messages that you accept without telling him to fucking snap out of it is a signal to him that he can carry on disrespecting you. He's telling you everything you need to know about him and you, unfortunately, are telling him you don't know how to defend your boundaries. Unless you break the pattern and recognise that you're worth more than that.

This is a great post!

Bin OP, he sounds awful and after one thing.

Very immature for him to be talking in this way at these kind of ages

Everyone has different expectations/ideas of what's normal after 2 dates.

Given the amount you have talked and gotten to know each other plus 2 in person dates I don't think him making sexual comments is a red flag as such (caveating that with the fact we don't know the actual content).

However, the fact you told him you don't like it and he persists is a massive red flag. The "lucky" comment is just a massive ick at best and him trying to guilt trip you at worst.

I'd have forgiven the first sexual comment at that stage of dating if he'd taken your feedback on board graciously and put a stop to the comments. But he's not.

Two dates in and he’s acting like this? He’s already gaslighting you by saying you’re lucky he’s so patient when he clearly isn’t. It’ll only get worse, not better.

Ah that's really tricky!

I'm so sorry about what happened to you.

Do you have a trusted friend who could help you "vet" these men? Or keep using Mumsnet of course.

I think the important thing is to really watch out for inconsistencies. E.g. if they say "I respect you" but then don't act respectful. Or when he said one thing about marriage and then said the opposite. An honest person wouldn't immediately change their viewpoint on marriage.

If they seem really similar to you, pay attention to whether they might just be copying what you said. Notice whether they brought something up first, or whether they already knew that it was what you wanted to hear, because you potentially told them.

And also watch very carefully about how they listen to your boundaries. A good person will always stop doing something if you ask them. They won't try to persuade you. They won't make jokes about the boundary. They won't "forget" the boundary. They won't moan about how difficult it is to follow the boundary.

If you said "I want to take things slow", a good man would either say "ah okay, that's not what I'm looking for, I wish you luck", or "that's fine with me, thanks for letting me know".