AIBU? Been on 2 dates and he keeps saying sexual things which is making me uncomfortable

[Anonymousmummmy]

This is kind of a AIBU one. I (late twenties) started talking to a guy (late thirties) around a month ago and we are getting on like a house on fire. He’s literally great; everything I’ve been looking for and seems to be super into me. We are both after something serious and want marriage/children. We’ve been on 2 dates but haven’t kissed yet because I haven’t been ready to. We speak on the phone, message, and send voice notes multiple times each day. He started saying the odd sexual thing which I kind of ignored or laughed off each time, but it’s started getting more and more and it’s making me feel uncomfortable and making me back off which I really don’t want. I am quite a reserved person and I’ve made this clear to him.

He said something really sexual yesterday about what he likes done to him and I told him nicely that it’s too much and too soon to be saying stuff like that to me. He then replied something sexual again to me!

I appreciate everyone’s different but I won’t have sex with someone unless I’m exclusive with them and can see it (hope it will anyway) going all the way with them, and I don’t tend to kiss someone until at least a few dates in when I’m more comfortable around them. He keeps saying it’s lucky he’s so patient. I mean, we’ve only been on 2 dates I’m not really sure what he was expecting.

Anyway! This is THE only thing I’m not liking; everything else couldn’t be more perfect. How can I tell him to stop sending messages to me like this without pushing him away or making him feel embarrassed or annoyed with my response? Am I being over the top and this is very normal?

Usually guys I date don’t talk like this in the beginning; it’s only when I’ve got to know them a lot better and then the ‘other side’ of them comes out, and so does mine! Obviously the more subtle odd comment here and there is nice but explaining what he likes sexually and what he wants me to do to him and how to act is a complete turn off at this point to me.

Yes but looking for sex is not the same as spending a month talking like they want a relationship and then suddenly talking filth. That's just manipulative.

Plenty of people online looking for sex without having to lie to get it.

A decade on mumsnet xD

He said something really sexual yesterday about what he likes done to him and I told him nicely that it’s too much and too soon to be saying stuff like that to me. He then replied something sexual again to me!

So you expressed a boundary, (around sex, too) on date number 2 when he should very much be still doing his best to impress you and on his best behaviour, and his response was to immediately violate that boundary. The one around sex. Before you've even kissed yet. If he's boundary pushing this early on before you've even kissed yet let alone slept together, imagine what boundaries he is going to push in the sack 🤮

He keeps saying it’s lucky he’s so patient. I mean, we’ve only been on 2 dates I’m not really sure what he was expecting.

He's gaslighting you into believing that you're being prudish and should just get on with sexual activity before you're comfortable doing it. 🤮🤮🤮He is not a nice guy. He shouldn't even be mentioning anything sexual at this stage, it's inappropriate for somebody looking for a long term relationship and it's completely insensitive to your behaviour, previous conversations, and expressed wishes.

Please look up the burnt haystack dating method on Instagram and Facebook. He's an immediate block to burn in their language, you owe this boundary pushing sex pest ZERO apology or explanation.

There are more red flags than a communist parade!

I can’t get past the “2 dates in” and “we both want something serious/marriage/children” in the same line.

This is a huge red flag. Of course he doesn’t want that, he’s only saying what he thinks you want to hear.

Dump him for the “being patient” comment alone. This won’t get any better. Good guys don’t make everything sexual or talk about wanting kids and marriage with you two dates in.

…so dump him.

This exactly!

OP run now . You have been warned

This 100%. He is starting to sound like a real sex pest, and after only 2 dates when you haven't even done anything yet? Nooooo.

He is only interested to get you into bed.
And he doesn’t respect your boundaries.

Not the type of guys you’re after at all.
Id stop right there.

Definitely wouldn't trust him behind closed doors in a sexual situation.
If he doesn't respect your boundaries with the sexual comments and you've told him you're not comfortable with what he's saying I hate to think what he'd be like as in the above situation.

Another one saying get rid. You told him you didn’t like it and he carried on. He has no consideration for your feelings. You really can do better.

He has sex pest written all over him. You’ll be dodging him round the house before you know it because he’ll be pawing at you every godforsaken moment (I speak from experience).

I don’t mean sex pest as in anything illegal, he just sounds like the type of person where a cuddle always means sex.

He said something really sexual yesterday about what he likes done to him and I told him nicely that it’s too much and too soon to be saying stuff like that to me. He then replied something sexual again to me!

Bin him. You stated your boundaries and instead of respecting what you just said he responded immediately with something sexual. That's all you need to know.

There is no need to overthink anything here. You aren't compatible and are looking for different things.

Another poster has said that a lot of people are hoping for sex after a month of talking and a couple of dates but once you stated your boundaries about him not saying sexual stuff he should have backed off and realized that he wasn't going to be getting sex any time soon and said you weren't compatible rather than continue to try to push you to move at a faster pace than you wanted.

Does make me laugh when these threads always start with ' he's so great in every other way etc etc .... BIN HIM

This has red flags all over it. Take it from someone who is putting themselves back together after meeting someone who was “perfect” spoke to me all the time, gave me ALL the attention, said he didn’t want to entertain anyone else after 1 date. It’s all the stuff you want to be told but straight away? It sound a lot like love bombing to me. My ex Did the EXACT same thing! Aside from all that, you’ve told him it makes you uncomfortable and he has totally ignored it so he doesn’t respect your boundaries. I’d urge you to end it or proceed with loads and loads of caution!

This is not a minor incompatibility. He's not a nice and good guy, he's pushing your boundaries. Bin him.

He said something really sexual yesterday about what he likes done to him and I told him nicely that it’s too much and too soon to be saying stuff like that to me. He then replied something sexual again to me!

He has shown you very, very clearly that he has no respect for your needs, wants, boundaries - or indeed for you as a human being.

You have been warned.

FFS why do women do this:

we are getting on like a house on fire. He’s literally great; everything I’ve been looking fo

Followed by some really major red flag boundary-breaking.

He is NOT everything you've been looking for at all. Standard woman - you deserve far more than you're settling for. Aim higher.

^^ 👏🏽

You stated your boundary and he flat out ignored it. Red flag. He sounds like he might be a sex pest.
You could put him to the test by stating unambiguously that you don't like it when he makes sexual remarks. Don't bother about how nice you sound. Just state it matter of factly and say it's non-negotiable.
Either he'll apologize and comply, ignore it and do it again, or break it off with you.
I'm guessing it will be the second or third responses.

Ick.
Run.

It's absolutely fine to want to progress at different rates, BUT it's the fact that he has no respect for your point of view 🚩🚩🚩🚩 in abundance.

“He keeps saying it’s lucky he’s so patient.”

I would have said it’s even luckier for you that he’s let you know what a plonker he is so early on.

Tie up them laces tight, and run as fast as you can 👋

Can I just say, as a warning, that this is the kind of guy that will go for the hump and dump, by the way.

I guarantee he’ll get what he wants, and then immediately cool it off.

Agreed.

Totally future faker.