AIBU? Been on 2 dates and he keeps saying sexual things which is making me uncomfortable

[Anonymousmummmy]

This is kind of a AIBU one. I (late twenties) started talking to a guy (late thirties) around a month ago and we are getting on like a house on fire. He’s literally great; everything I’ve been looking for and seems to be super into me. We are both after something serious and want marriage/children. We’ve been on 2 dates but haven’t kissed yet because I haven’t been ready to. We speak on the phone, message, and send voice notes multiple times each day. He started saying the odd sexual thing which I kind of ignored or laughed off each time, but it’s started getting more and more and it’s making me feel uncomfortable and making me back off which I really don’t want. I am quite a reserved person and I’ve made this clear to him.

He said something really sexual yesterday about what he likes done to him and I told him nicely that it’s too much and too soon to be saying stuff like that to me. He then replied something sexual again to me!

I appreciate everyone’s different but I won’t have sex with someone unless I’m exclusive with them and can see it (hope it will anyway) going all the way with them, and I don’t tend to kiss someone until at least a few dates in when I’m more comfortable around them. He keeps saying it’s lucky he’s so patient. I mean, we’ve only been on 2 dates I’m not really sure what he was expecting.

Anyway! This is THE only thing I’m not liking; everything else couldn’t be more perfect. How can I tell him to stop sending messages to me like this without pushing him away or making him feel embarrassed or annoyed with my response? Am I being over the top and this is very normal?

Usually guys I date don’t talk like this in the beginning; it’s only when I’ve got to know them a lot better and then the ‘other side’ of them comes out, and so does mine! Obviously the more subtle odd comment here and there is nice but explaining what he likes sexually and what he wants me to do to him and how to act is a complete turn off at this point to me.

Yeah, usually..dumb decisions leading to bitter experience
[ETA. In my case. My own stupid decisions btw]

Excellent advice!

@Anonymousmummmy , everything @Pinkbonbon has said is spot on. You've gotten some wonderful advice here. Please take it in and think about how "off" this guy sounds.

He’s “completely turning you off” on date two. Read that back to yourself

@Anonymousmummmy

Pinkbonbon · Today 21:10

“Also op for future reference:

• someone who you describe as 'perfect' at two dates in - most certainly is not!

• similarly 'everything I've been looking for' ? Consider he might be 'love bombing' and 'future faking'.

• speaking on the phone, messaging, voice notes (again love bomber alert) every day with a man you've only met twice? Yeah...don't. It's a bad idea all round. Narcissists do this shit to keep you constantly thinking of them. To Foster intimacy far too fast.

• you have no idea if he wants marriage and kids. Men will say whatever you want to hear in the beginning. Only time shows the truth. Also, at 38 if he'd wanted marriage and kids...wouldn't he have done that already? (Of course some people don't until later but...something to consider).

• you have no idea if he's anything like what he says because people can say anything online. You've only met him twice on person.

• decent men don't bring up sex stuff just two dates in. Let alone continue after being told not to.”

All of this with absolute bells on. Please take note. There are loads of warning signs in what you describe. And it’s worrying that you’re not seeing them. And a really big one - a great many men (and he sounds likely to be one of them) will lie to get a woman into bed. He’s saying what he thinks you want to hear.

You sound a bit naive and vulnerable - you need to become a lot more cynical for on-line dating. Even if he wasn’t being sleazy, you cannot possibly know 2 dates in if someone is everything you’ve been looking for - you can only know that after you have spent a serious period of time together. You do not know this guy. And he’s not everything you’ve been looking for, is he? He’s sleazy and disrespectful of your boundaries.

haha patient for waiting for two dates, patient compared to who? it's a classic tactic to make it sound like you're being unreasonable.

i'm the same as you, i've been with my partner for 20 years and he waited 6 months into the relationship before we had sex. because he respected me and my feelings.

Go for someone your own age, there's something up with him if he prefers young women.

Get rid

No. Just no. The fact he said he didn't want to get married and then said he did when you said you did. Girl...

Also some men will target single mums and think they are more desperate. It's gross but true.

I'm very sexual and wanted a relationship and sex. I always kissed on the first date because sexual chemistry is important to me. I'm a huge whore by MN standards.

You made it clear sex was off the table for now and he's not listening. He's an asshole.

He sounds like someone I dated once. We slept together for the first time after one of our dates and he then sent overly forward messages all week after that telling me to pick something from the love honey website. We definitely weren’t at the ‘spicing things up’ stage.. it was veryyy early days 😂 I continually said no. It wasnt even a relationship yet. It was annoying though because other than this weird sexual thing he was perfect and I was just hoping it would die down.

Low and behold, a week later he came to my house and I noticed he had a bag 🤦🏼‍♀️ Later in the evening just as one thing was about to lead to another he brings out handcuffs and a bondage set and says he wants tied up. I found this even more odd as usually you’d think a guy would want to get to tie a girl up, not the other way round 🙈 Anyway, I politely declined! It totally ruined things for me when he could just have been a bit more normal and we might eventually have got comfortable enough for what he wanted but to come in with these things from the off made me so uncomfortable 😳

I don’t think you can stop these types unfortunately. Chances are it’s just the chat he’s hit the girls before with and I think sadly is what a lot of guy’s chat consists of these days!

Oh YUK, what more can he do to demonstrate his contempt for your boundaries? He will belittle them until you give in, he’ll congratulate himself on his conquest and you’ll feel like a used rag. He’s made it crystal clear that he dismisses your LEGITIMATE boundaries, do yourself a favour and ditch him now, surely you see this doesn’t have a future?

I think you want him to be the one. He isn't.

This sexual thing isn't the only thing about him that isn't "perfect".

Also, it would be good if you could learn that there is no perfect man. Someone who makes you feel that he fits that bill is probably love bombing you. he is a skilled manipulator.

Get out before his hold on you (after just 2 dates) becomes hard to escape.

It's lucky he's so patient

or what? He’d rape you?

fucking gross man

If he makes you feel uncomfortable, end it. This should be the easiest dating rule to apply.

That's how I interpreted it ,that comment could carry connotations of something darker.
Bung him back in op.

He keeps saying it’s lucky he’s so patient. I mean, we’ve only been on 2 dates I’m not really sure what he was expecting.

He was expecting - and is now starting to demand - a porn fuelled fantasy that pleased him, and he doesn't care whether it pleases you because he is an entitled creep.

You told him no, he kept going. That will not change.

(Edit - I wish there was a way to edit out the quote when you've accidentally quoted, but I don't see that option)

He’s showing you who he is and you need to take note.

It’s the “Lucky he’s so patient” that makes my actual skin crawl.

Run, he won’t get better. He will just keep pushing your boundaries until he snaps and you get gaslit and verbally abused

He's so perfect that he can't even keep up the pretence that he likes and respects you for TWO WHOLE DATES?

You've told him that you don't want to move so fast. He ignores you and pushes on. After TWO WHOLE DATES?!

Nope. Sleazebag.

He's not for you, OP.
I'd put money on him not taking no for an answer if you do carry on seeing him.
I'd bin him off and block him. Keep yourself safe. x

I'm afraid it isn't perfect OP however much you might want it to be- that's what he's clearly after and early on too - sorry

He keeps saying it’s lucky he’s so patient.

Listen to what he's telling you.

Not the words, but what he's actually telling you.

He's a disrespectful, pushy creep who has no respect for you or your boundaries. Even when you told him it was too much he doubled down on it.

Run away.

There are some guys who really want relationships and any sex USA nice 'add on' at some point and they will let you take the lead

There are some guys who simply won't sex,.so will fake a relationship in order to make you feel more likely to offer up sex

Thus guy is in the second scenario - which is fine if you want something casual- but to be avoided if you don't- you will just get hurt

I’ve been reading some of the messages back and I’m really quite shocked I didn’t see it before, but he was saying all these crazy nice things and sending me super long voice notes and I think these comments just ended up getting lost to me in all the communication because they were in between so many other messages.

These are literally just a few of the messages🥴 Hope he doesn’t have mumsnet lmao👀

‘I’m ramping it up now… haha, stay calm! Don’t let me intimidate you!! ‘Too’ much!! 🤣🤣🤣’

‘OH (my name)!!!!!!! You’re in for a shock haha, is it because I said………… ‘ERECTION!?’ 🤣🤣🤣’

’Thankfully I am very well know for my INCREDIBLE, never ending, relentless patience!! 😰😰😰 Just hope I don’t get one (an erection) around you any time soon!! 🤣’

’I usually buy a girl lingerie on the ~third~ forth date, but maybe it’s ’TOO BLOODY SOON’ 😤 haha’

What @Pinkbonbon said in spades! I was going to say this, but this is put perfectly. Words, deeds and all that. Lucky you've only had a little bit of wasted time.

😶😨😳

I hope he DOES have MN!!