Other half refuses to work...

[pocketpairs]

I would appreciate some genuine advice, so if just going to write "finish relationship", please don't comment.

Both mid 40s, married 18 yrs, 2 DCs. When we got together, DW was very career driven. I grew up in poor family, before we got married , I said in no uncertain terms that "I won't marry someone who won't work (in some form)"

After DC1, she dropped to part time. After DC2 to 1 day w/p, then we mutually agreed she'd stop work until DC was started primary school full time.

Last few years, I've broached the subject about her restarting work, but she's proposed counter-arguments (i.e. who's going to pick DC from school, etc).

Now DC2 is starting secondary school next year, tried to have a serious conversation, and she's said in no uncertain terms she "won't work". She feels we have enough enough to live a comfortable life.

I'm at my wits end, as we don't have enough, and certainly don't have enough for future. Mortgage paid off, I earn £56k (approx), some savings, & £80k pension pot (not much I know!). She has 3 years in DB pension.

So what next?!

Point out that you’ll need a pension pot of at least 600000 to maintain your current lifestyle, that’s if you work until you’re 68. She can’t seriously think she’s not going to work for the next 20 years while you do.

I think when your children get to that age you will realise cleaning the house is much quicker without young children underfoot and making mess and making meals is a chore easily split or indeed not that challenging after doing a few part time hours. It's hard to imagine when you are in the thick of it.

You've got yourself fanny lodger! Search for the normal advice on how to deal with a cock lodger.

She will lose her NI credits for staying home with the kids when youngest turns 12 - so won’t even get a full state pension. I’d assume she is in her 40s so might have 20+ years until retirement age - is she really going to not ever work again? Because going back doesn’t get any easier.

I had 8 years off with the kids when they were small - a mix of reasons for this. And then went back to work when youngest started primary. I’ve worked my arse off to work my way back up again. I don’t get why she can’t work at least part time.

"Now DC is starting secondary school next year" so younger DC is in year 6 and older one is perhaps year 8 or something. Those are not yet ages where they can just get on with it.

I would be interested to know, OP, what role you take in day to day family life.

School pick ups and drop offs
Being around between 3 and 6 (we find year 7 DD is OK for an hour or so but wouldn't want to do that every day)
Uniform purchase and having it clean each day
Monitoring homework (schools expect a lot these days!)
Organising school holiday activities and/or childcare
Hobbies
Housework
Other admin

Is this all being done to a good standard at the moment without too much input from you?

You may want to be careful what you wish for.

We have both always worked but it can be hard practically and psychologically to "get back in" if you've had a gap of some years. I've seen it.

You should sit down and talk about working without thinking about the money. Talk about how it can help their wellbeing, give them something to do, have a bit of a life etc. Often people get comfortable in their new routine at home and need to break out of that.

Your DW is selfish and lazy @pocketpairs. It's pretty awful of her to just close you down and not listen to your perspective at all. What plans has she made for when you retire/ if you became too ill to work/ divorced her, etc? What about if you fancy stopping work or going part time? Marriage is about partnership not unilateral decisions.
Another poster suggested that you both speak to a financial planner which is a good idea. You should also discuss the eventualities about with her. Ultimately, if she refuses to compromise ( and 3-4 hours/ week is nothing), you may need to look at divorce.

I think you need to have a good conversation with her, particularly referencing the costs of uni.

I’m 49, divorced and work in the public sector so DD gets full maintenance loan. She also qualified for bursaries last year, works part time and is great at managing her money.

Uni is still eyewatering expensive. I also still have a mortgage so am currently working 55-60 hours a week across two jobs, and am about to start an OU degree to increase my earning potential.

It is fucking hard going.

I have some sympathy for your wife as I’m sure it’s suited your family as whole for her to be at home and it sounds like she’s lost her confidence, but at the same time a wake up call is needed here.

Would she work with the sole purpose of putting money away for the kids uni costs so that added pressure doesn’t fall on you?

You mention she volunteers? Are there paid opportunities available with the organisation that she might feel more comfortable in as a starting point?

Given the choice I wouldn’t work either of the mortgage was laid off and I had a husband working.

Sorry, just seen older DC is 17. Has your DW been out of the workplace for all that time? Going back to teaching would be hard. Syllabuses will have totally changed and behaviour has gone seriously downhill since Covid.

What other interests and skills does she have?

She leads the life she does because you're working full time in a certain role, but what if you wanted to go part time or change careers? Would she support that?

If the answer is yes, then it sounds like her priorities in life have changed and she's willing to do with less in some circumstances.

If the answer is no, then you're in an interesting dynamic, which is that she doesn't want to work at all, but thinks you should work full time.....so how does she justify that? It would be explainable in some religious, conservative households, but if that's not you, then how?

I think it's quite hard to split childcare evenly when one person is working part time. It's easier with full time as you both take on 50% responsibility, but with part timers, they can easily find themselves running themselves into the ground when they end up still doing most of the childcare, AND working on top of that.

Does your wife have trust issues that could be affecting her decision? When you'd said you'll do things in the past, have you actually done them properly and kept to promises?

Like when she says you'd now have to do this or that if she worked part time, do you really take that seriously? Do you realise that, yes, you would not only do the task, but you'd also take full responsibility for thinking about it as well?

The last thing she'll want is to agree for you to take on some more childcare, only to then end up having to remind you to do everything or end up doing things herself. Some men don't realise that thinking, planning & reminding is a job in itself (management) and the reason why mothers end up totally frazzled and stressed.

I think she's making herself financially vulnerable in the future by not working, but at the same time, she might prefer that to what she fears may become reality if she starts working.

Why should your husband work and not you?

Any mental health concerns? What does she do all day if the kids are now older?

Rather than simply EXPECTING her to work, have a conversation with her about how many hours she could work and the work not impact her children/home responsibilities

Then , should those hours not be enough (eg she says zero), talk through what children/home responsibilities you can take on yourself ......to enable her to work

My exh tried to force me back into work when I was the main childcare to 3 disabled children and he didn't even care to put food wrappers in the bin. He dropped them on the floor instead.
He forced me to do care work when I hold a masters degree and he was a company director. If I'd have been allowed to do some retraining, I could have gone back into my old profession. No, money had to be earned right then and pt to go round school as he couldn't possibly do anything round the house.
I left him and took him for every penny. I re trained and got a great job.
Always best to bear that in mind when you aren't considering a wider picture of how your family dynamic works. She has not been sitting on her bum for 11+ years.

Given the choice maybe. If the husband was 100% happy and you were financially 100% secure, sure. That is not the situation being discussed though.

OP you say your wife was a teacher. Would she consider exam invigilating? It’s very part time and you only work when exams are timetabled at schools, including internal
mock exams. Plus you only work days you are ‘available’. Most high schools are in need of invigilators throughout the year.
Its not particularly demanding, the hours are within school hours and always term time. The pay can vary but it’s just a bit above minimum wage.
Plus it could lead to another job within the school if your wife likes the school. I’m fact she could ‘shop around’ and try different schools. Or colleges.

I did invigilating for a while and it really did give me a confidence boost. I’ve since moved on to another job with regular hours, but that time was invaluable to me for boosting my self esteem and confidence after being a SAHP.

Plenty of year 7's are home alone after school, and it wouldnt need to be every day - OP has been clear, part time would be fine. Why can't the wife work 2 days a week, do 16 hrs? That would leave 20 hours per week for cleaning, laundry, cooking. Ample - given many of us manage all this every week in addition to full time work 👌

My SIL was out of the workplace for ages but now runs a food bank as a paid manager (which she did voluntarily before along with a bunch of other voluntary work).

My DSis is a qualified teacher and eventually went back as a HLTA (that is surprisingly common).

Yes she can buy a coffee and get a haircut by earning her own money!!

The finances are shared, presumably the bills and council tax is paid, the house is fed and watered, the children are fed and watered and paid for, the car if they have one is paid for/fuel paid for, the mortgage has been paid off so living with a growing asset. She is sharing all of this

You want fripperies, you go out and earn money to pay for them

The things on your list aren't difficult to overcome; most families have two working parents nowadays.

I agree that the psychological aspects are relevant. Or perhaps the wife is just selfish and lazy.

I wrote that, and by the time I'd posted the thread had moved on...

A 10/11 yo and a 17 yo is a bit different to what I was imagining!

Agreed @Phineyj!

Plenty of year 7s aren't ok with that. They might live far from the school and need collection, might not be ysed to being alone.

Plenty of mothers in their 40s are enduring perimenopause and struggling to get through each day. I work part time and am scared I won't survive this secondary school transition, as the lack of sleep with the earlier starts and the need to finish work by 1.30 pm to travel for the much earlier school collection is debilitating.

It's financial abuse to deprive someone of access to shared assets. It's not just his money, by law it belongs to both of them. You can't just tell your spouse that they no longer have access to their money.

If he doesn't want to share he can divorce. She'll get part of his pension and part of the house as well as other assets. That's because finances are shared in marriage.