Other half refuses to work...

[pocketpairs]

I would appreciate some genuine advice, so if just going to write "finish relationship", please don't comment.

Both mid 40s, married 18 yrs, 2 DCs. When we got together, DW was very career driven. I grew up in poor family, before we got married , I said in no uncertain terms that "I won't marry someone who won't work (in some form)"

After DC1, she dropped to part time. After DC2 to 1 day w/p, then we mutually agreed she'd stop work until DC was started primary school full time.

Last few years, I've broached the subject about her restarting work, but she's proposed counter-arguments (i.e. who's going to pick DC from school, etc).

Now DC2 is starting secondary school next year, tried to have a serious conversation, and she's said in no uncertain terms she "won't work". She feels we have enough enough to live a comfortable life.

I'm at my wits end, as we don't have enough, and certainly don't have enough for future. Mortgage paid off, I earn £56k (approx), some savings, & £80k pension pot (not much I know!). She has 3 years in DB pension.

So what next?!

He maintained a spotless house when he had to,so capable of doing so.in relationship he chose not to wholly pull his weight. A dick move

Sorry to bust your bubble, but it's such a common element in the breakdown of relationships that it has generated endless comment and much content on social media all over the world.

Here's a clue to the global invisibility of wife work, from Australia.

I would consider explaining that you don't want to work full time anymore so are applying for a 4 day week to do volunteering and school pick up that day and cook dinner.

It is abusive to financially leech off of somebody. He is shortening his life by increasing the stress pressure of being a single earner, while she is living a life of 0% stress and 0% responsibility.

Lol
so SAHP are financially abusive now?
Or those who can’t work for health reasons?
Or those who can’t work because childcare is more than what they would bring back home?
Or carers (for their dcs, elderly parents etc…) maybe?

If we go that route, then it’s also abusive to expect someone to leech off someone’s domestic work, which all men do to some extend. Incl the OP who hasn’t had to do much for 20 years re housework etc….

Works both ways.

It's going to be a poverty like retirement for both of you.

Forget the wide circle of friends when a Starbucks coffee needs to be bought.

Forget entertaining friends in your home.

Forget nice little holidays.

Forget a nice little hobby for @pocketpairs

Volunteering costs money too.

It is not nice to tell someone you are a worker and want to contribute financially into the family and then welch on the deal

It is not nice to deliberately put someone under additional pressure when you could help to relieve it

I wouldnt call it abusive but it's pretty unpleasant and selfish

Her job is the house. The kids are not there most of the time. She should be able to do pretty much everything, so yes, seeing his list of what he does, I think he does his share. You may not agree.

He is looking for how to get her to engage with returning to paid employment now that their children are older. Of course she takes care of elements of family life. Those two are not mutually exclusive. She is just dismissing his concerns. Probably because she has never had to struggle for money and understand it's true value, as demonstrated by her giving £500 to a niece as a wedding gift. Money that presumably OP earned.

A move that most men, if not all are very happy to make.

Because it’s so usual, normal, that few women properly baulk at it. They usually accept it for a long time, if not forever.
In part because when a man does a few dishes agd push the hoover around 3 times a year he is hailed as a domestic god that can do no wrong.

And he is dismissing hers.

Actually he has so little clue that he can’t see that adding work at the end if the school day with children that will be noisy, wanting to play music or play on the console isn’t compatible with the calm needed to do tuition online.

Instead he wants her to earn a few hundred pounds a month whilst not disturbing his part of the arrangement - doing nothing at home.

All those things can be done ASWELL as having a job!

How do you think single parents manage?

You’re not busting any bubble. It’s a fallacy to say an adult man need a ft unwaged woman to do chores. Listing that some men don’t or won’t do tasks isn’t in itself a reason why a woman cannot work. No family house is so onerous to maintain that it need a woman ft. Post industrial domestic tasks are easier with dishwasher, gadgets and internet to pay bills

She is working though and lots, it's all just voluntary unpaid!

The point is that it is an overwhelming task for one adult alone on top of working part time as well, I can testify), so does require the other adult to share equally and for both to work together to make things run smoothly.

Voluntary work is a luxury in her situation

Don’t disagree
But a man being a lazy dick doesn’t = women can’t work and must stay home.
Socially men are over praised when they simply do their share of parenting, that’s irksome

If one works part time and yej other full time ghe one working part time does more of the chores- assuming you have 2 days a week then I would expect to be doing all the chores and admin

Hi OP. I think you can keep encouraging and having good and open discussions. DH did something similar- spent sometime at home as a SAHD then did not want to work after this point. Stock answer was, it has to be a job that will engage me and I am not going to work for just anything. I do understand the it is hard if you have been out of the job market and that some couples agree that one will stay home, but we had not. He did bits and drabs but in reality never worked permanently again. Our life has been okay, but I resented this. With hindsight I enabled him and I think he knew that my only other option was to end the relationship. Which I clearly was not going to do. I finished up doing most of the work at home, all the mental load and being the only earner. I am now caring for him through dementia. I would go so far as to say this was a form of abuse. The other challenge of course is if you do leave then that pension pot of yours gets shared.

It’s not overwhelming to maintain a regular house, it’s not Windsor palace and capability brown garden. No regular uk house need a woman ft 7 day per week

That's not the point. As I said, the point is that it is usually overwhelming for one person on top of working, so needs the other adult too, so they're working together.

"The point is that it is an overwhelming task for one adult alone on top of working part time as well, I can testify), so does require the other adult to share equally and for both to work together to make things run smoothly."

Unless someone has disabilities, running a home, teenage children and working part time really isn't overwhelming. It is perfectly possible to set things up so that bills are paid by direct debit, everyone chips in with the housework and teens sort themselves out with homework and clubs and ask for assistance when they feel they need it.

Good!!

So the OP can start doing 50% of the parenting, HW, mental load right now!
Esp as the dcs are now old enough so it will a piece of cake agd require so little input right?
Thats an amazing news for his wife. I’m sure she’ll appreciate the change.
She might even start thinking she has time in her hands to work (when in the day it suits her, not when it suits him)

I suspect the woman isn't working does it in their many many hours to herself!

Why would he be involved in all of these things if she's not working at the moment? He only needs to do that when she goes to work.

And my DH and I do all of these things (including the many ways in which you describe laundry)....save for im not too fussed about knowing their friend's parents.

@pocketpairs Lots of posters (but not all) are jumping in to ask how you will manage the child-related admin when you’re both working. But the reality is that there is a huge number of families who manage to combine both parents working with DCs at secondary school.

As you know, since you already have a 17yo, DCs at secondary school are generally old enough to bring themselves home and have a key to let themselves in. Most working parents fit food prep and chores around the working day. Unless there are special needs involved, secondary school age DCs do not need an SAHP. It’s fine if both parents agree that a parent will remain in that role but not okay - and not needed - if there’s no agreement.

The trouble is that confidence massively goes if someone is out of the workplace for years. It would have been better for your wife to keep things ticking over with some part time work but that’s not always possible and not what happened here. You can’t put back time anyway (there’s a lot I would do differently if we could). But I think the poster who suggested creating a document which shows the outgoings and the pension situation has the right idea. It’s irresponsible for her to simply opt out of helping support the family financially.