Other half refuses to work...

[pocketpairs]

I would appreciate some genuine advice, so if just going to write "finish relationship", please don't comment.

Both mid 40s, married 18 yrs, 2 DCs. When we got together, DW was very career driven. I grew up in poor family, before we got married , I said in no uncertain terms that "I won't marry someone who won't work (in some form)"

After DC1, she dropped to part time. After DC2 to 1 day w/p, then we mutually agreed she'd stop work until DC was started primary school full time.

Last few years, I've broached the subject about her restarting work, but she's proposed counter-arguments (i.e. who's going to pick DC from school, etc).

Now DC2 is starting secondary school next year, tried to have a serious conversation, and she's said in no uncertain terms she "won't work". She feels we have enough enough to live a comfortable life.

I'm at my wits end, as we don't have enough, and certainly don't have enough for future. Mortgage paid off, I earn £56k (approx), some savings, & £80k pension pot (not much I know!). She has 3 years in DB pension.

So what next?!

It's also a good argument to partner up with someone who has some understanding of what the word "work" means when applied to the home.

Can you link to that? Thanks so much.

Just because they aren't on the breadline doesn't mean she can loll around the house. Kids of those ages don't need that much supervision/ferrying about, and millions of households manage to fit cooking, cleaning, laundry and food shopping into their non-working hours.

It's really irritating when people post "you have plenty" on threads like this, when that "comfort level" is up to the individual. Clearly the OP is not comfortable with their long-range financial outlook, nor should he be. They are in a precarious situation that easily could be remedied by the spouse doing what the majority of adults do: work at paid employment to support oneself and one's family.

Housework is not a job. Childcare, once the kids are school age, is not a job. It's a lifestyle choice that BOTH partners must agree to. Since that is not the case here, a person of integrity would get a job.

This is called financial abuse.

I work FT and am a high earner. Yes, my job allows me to take time off when the DC are sick. Which is rarely, because they aren't 2 any more. I work before dropoff time, then do dropoff. Then I work a bit more after I pick them up. DH does an online shop once a week. It takes him about ten minutes from the sofa. It takes the two of us about five minutes to put it away when it's delivered. What a burden.

"Repairs and deliveries" are nonissues. I have plenty of energy for the evening; in fact, I am also completing a master's and I have a social life. And my oldest DC is younger than the OP's youngest.

You're making incredibly heavy weather out of working and parenting two children at a fairly independent stage. Flexible working, wraparound, after school activities, they're all real things not mythical unicorns.

I'll leave the thread now before I take it over which is unfair to OP

No idea how a Stay at Home Dad is a "little wifey" but anyway.

I also think using that term for Stay at Home Mums is offensive. It's completely devaluing a job that contributes a lot to family and society. It's also offensive to people who do that work as paid jobs, because it's suggesting people who work in childcare have"little wifey" jobs.

Really, if wanting to change attitudes from 1950s, it's important to recognise the need for choice - to be a SAHP (mum or dad), or both parents work and pay someone else to do the job a SAHP does.

Also if you want to lose 1950s attitudes, then there's a need for society to acknowledge that being a SAHP is as important and as valuable a contribution as paid employment.

A SAHP is not a "little wifey". They're working as a SAHP and contributing to the family unit as much as the parent doing paid employment.

The fundamental,issue you’ve got there is the work at home we all do. On top of our jobs. Sp we all get it. Thsts why it’s laughable.

What stats have you been looking at, care to share? It's not known facts, it's assumptions you're spouting as facts. Reality is she can't be bothered to return to work, and he isn't a particularly high earner that would have probably absolutely needed someone to be home.

to be a SAHP (mum or dad), or both parents work and pay someone else to do the job a SAHP does.

You don't need to pay anyone to "do the job a SAHP does" when your children are ten and sixteen.

This doesn’t appear to be a thread about work: it is a thread about unpaid and paid work. When your wife had a paid job after the children were born, who took time off if the children were ill or had medical or dental appointments? I think you should ask her to get a state pension projection and then look at the situation as an us rather than you problem. How can we build up your pension and increase our income? And then listen, rather than tell her to do online tutoring etc.

SAHP maybes when the childen are small - but the idea that a family or society functions better if one working age person stays at home seems a bit off to me. The pressure it puts on the money earning person , the way it limits their options and choices is mean

If both parents are working FT hours, I see nothing wrong with teens contributing to the running of the household.

It was expected when I was growing up; we did the lawn mowing, weeding, meal prep, meal cooking, and the whole family cleaned every Saturday morning from when we were toddlers. My parents made a sort of game of it while demonstrating to us that everyone needs to help run the home.

As a result we are competent, tidy adults who easily juggle our FT jobs and housework. And whose spouses do, too.

They're real things for some people.

Flexible working is not really a thing in teaching.

I mean, I don't generally need much/any childcare for school holidays but that doesn't mean I think everyone's that fortunate.

“I'm sure OP understands that if his/her partner suddenly finds a job they will all have to roll their sleeves up at home.”

They being the operative word.

The OP understands that they (wife and kids) will have to.

There has been no acknowledgement from him that he should have to. Quite the reverse.

But if you can find a post from him which shows that he’s willing to be inconvenienced, which I’ve missed, I’d be interested to see it.

Oh cmon she’s a house wife, she’s not a stay at home mum running downtown Abbey

Well the op's post of 16.15 sets out that he doesn't do nothing at the moment. There would be more to do if his wife is working but his wife does have time at the moment for hobbies and volunteering without it impacting on the children or house.

I am a bit uncomfortable describing someone who spends her time on housework, school runs and "tutoring underprivileged children" as a volunteer (OP's words) as "lazy". Not very capitalist values, head in the sand regarding retirement, and divorce rates, sure, but "lazy"? It's not like the OP said DW spends the days watching Netflix.

But several FT posters on her have stated that they don’t- that they use nurseries and wraparound care.

Flexible working is not really a thing in teaching

You don't need it to be when both your children are secondary age.

All these home tasks that are so arduous & time consuming are actually life admin that everyone else manages whilst working

spending Her days doing housework and school runs, seriously? With an 11 and 17 year old? They do their own homework and unless she’s licking the floor clean housework is max an hour a day.

OP's children don't require either nurseries or wraparound care at all.

If this was the other way round, she'd be called a cocklodger.

And my oldest DC is younger than the OP's youngest.

So you’ve got no experience of parenting teens then?

You might want to read up on the issues that teens, and therefore parents of teens, are dealing with these days. I’m not saying that as a gotcha by the way. Hopefully you’ll be one of the lucky families.

@HoopLaLah

I have teens 17 and 14. We've had our share of teen issues and SEN as my oldest has AuDHD.

I work 4 days a week and earn more than the Op of this thread. I'm at home when they come back from school and either DH or I are generally at home in the holidays. I can take time off if they're sick but can't remember the last time I needed to. Deliveries and repairs simply aren't an issue because one of us can work from home when we need to.

Teens need focused attention when they want it which is always at their convenience, but it doesn't exclude being able to work full time or nearly full time.