Other half refuses to work...

[pocketpairs]

I would appreciate some genuine advice, so if just going to write "finish relationship", please don't comment.

Both mid 40s, married 18 yrs, 2 DCs. When we got together, DW was very career driven. I grew up in poor family, before we got married , I said in no uncertain terms that "I won't marry someone who won't work (in some form)"

After DC1, she dropped to part time. After DC2 to 1 day w/p, then we mutually agreed she'd stop work until DC was started primary school full time.

Last few years, I've broached the subject about her restarting work, but she's proposed counter-arguments (i.e. who's going to pick DC from school, etc).

Now DC2 is starting secondary school next year, tried to have a serious conversation, and she's said in no uncertain terms she "won't work". She feels we have enough enough to live a comfortable life.

I'm at my wits end, as we don't have enough, and certainly don't have enough for future. Mortgage paid off, I earn £56k (approx), some savings, & £80k pension pot (not much I know!). She has 3 years in DB pension.

So what next?!

Some of the posts on here are delusional. Very, very few roles need to be "facilitated" by a SAHP. People are kidding themselves when they make this argument.

My career seems to have progressed very well without a wife at home to "enable" it, thanks.

You don’t mention how the household chores are split. I suspect she is doing it and doesn’t know how to manage that AND the workload of home. I don’t think she’s unreasonable! Sounds like she is asking who would carry the domestic load? Do you have any answer for her?? You don’t mention your answer in the op.. it’s not unreasonable to not have two parents working full time when you have two young children. Infact I think having two young children who have two parents working full time is detrimental to everyone’s’ quality of life….

Presumably the nursery workers are paid very poorly, which suggests it's not considered an important or difficult job, sadly.

Honestly the spouse is more just a plain old stay at home wife than a stay at home mother.

And how much does it cost to not only support the dependent adult, but to pay their share of the 50-50 they should be contributing to the support of their offspring?

So what about reframing the question @pocketpairs - what does she envisage the future looking like, for her and you and family and work?

What does she want for herself as the children are growing and gone?

Windchimesource: " I am, however, saddened by modern society's devaluing of the equally valid choice a couple should be able to make - of one parent doing the job of a SAHP."

I get that but in this case the couple are not in agreement. Their children are not little anyway.

Why do kids of that age need "overseeing" ffs? And why can't the teen prepare the supper? We certainly cooked at that age.

lol, yes as it’s back breaking, most of us working women really struggle. 😂

At the moment you'd hope she did it considering she has hours to herself everyday. If she ever bothers to return to work then of course OP should do an equal share.

The point is that the OP does not, and has never, seen childcare as something which he should be inconvenienced by.

He doesn’t want his wife to work full time as that would inconvenience him.

He wants her to find some mythical job which only takes up a few hours a week and makes sure that he doesn’t have start doing his share of the household chores as a result if his wife earning some income.

The youngest child is 10 not 12. The OP has said that next year the kids will be 17 and 11.

Your job allows you to take time off when the children are ill, to work within school collection times, and to do the shopping etc be home for repairs and deliveries and is so undemanding that you have the energy for every evening to be filled with childcare, housework, cooking and homework management?

What job is this? I want one!

So the 17 year old is expected to pick up the slack instead of OP?

Tell her you have been to see a financial advisor who has said you need to increase your pension contributions by X amount. Then increase your pension and savings, and only put enough money into the joint account to pay for bills, food and necessary things for the children. She will hopefully see/ learn(!) she has to work when there’s not enough money for her clothes, haircuts, transport, family holidays etc. You want to feel like you are in a partnership, not raising 3 children. Speak to her about any training programmes she could do etc so she is in a better place to start work next September. Otherwise, you are just her meal ticket.

I'm sorry OP, you are in a bit of a pickle aren't you.
Personally I think she is being incredibly selfish and disrespectful as well as a bit stupid (becoming so financially dependent on one person who could walk out at any time).
I'd probably leave and it's to your credit that you aren't going to.

I can see how her self esteem and confidence might be low though. What about returning to an easier job rather than teaching? Receptionist? Secretary? Child minder?

Sit down with her and discuss how you will split the household tasks so she will have no excuse.

You should also bear in mind going back to oaid work after years of being away can be daunting. But it was her choice to prolong it this long

Well a couple who both work should share the jobs, also by this logic do you assume single parents never work?

Nearly all the working mothers I know are very seriously struggling and very worried about how to keep going.

Devils advocate:

You are actually in a reasonable financial position,

You've said the mortgage is paid off so you jointly own your own home.

You presumably are expecting to have enough years for the full state pension,

Your wife will have some years from when she was working as a teacher and some years from when the children were young so will have a partial state pension.

You have a private pension.

You are worried about your finances and want to be able to pay for potentially both kids to go away to uni and also have a decent retirement,

Your wife thinks they can go to universities close to where you live to save money (and you do have universities close to you).

Sending kids to uni is bloody expensive - my youngest has just finished. I'm not sure that I see why, if I was your wife, you want me to go back to work to fund the kids potentially going away to uni.

Many students now are choosing to stay at home and study and just do a term it or a year away to "get the experience".

In your shoes I'd be saying to your kids - ok, let's plan for you to have a gap year and build up savings, you can work through term time and you can stay at home. Or you can go away and you fund it.

If you do get extra money coming in, either from your wife going back to work or you getting promoted or whatever I'd put it into saving for retirement.

As a family even if she goes back to work I'm not sure you can afford to support kids through uni if they are living away.

Good lord, what on earth are you posting. You’ve just made up so much bullshit, how embarrassing for you

Of course you're 'outsourcing parenting' if you are using childcare. It's literally what you are doing. And it's absolutely fine.

I hate threads like this so much that where women fall over themselves to devalue the sahp role, (which is mostly women) which is so so valuable for the whole family.

It is fine if you choose as a family not to go down that route, but please stop attempting to denigrate those that do.

I agree with those asking if you offered to share the domestic load and the parenting duties when she returns to work and if she has confidence in your ability to deliver any such assurance.

I also have some questions about your wife's confidence levels, her social network, her level of education, any hobbies or pastimes she has - in general, whether she has become isolated or depressed or anxious over the years.

She clearly has some strong feelings about this, and so do you. You need to manage your anxiety over money, though, and try to see things from her pov. Returning to the workplace is a really daunting prospect in the emotional and psychological sense if you've been a SAHM for an extended time.

I'd start by encouraging her to widen her social horizons, maybe take up a hobby outside the home, and make this possible by taking over responsibility for efficiently parenting or running the home to show her you are able and willing to contribute - without relying on her to leave you instructions or cook dinner ahead of, for instance, an evening class where she can learn some in-demand skill or just enjoy herself. No SAHP wants to come back to a bombsite of a kitchen or kids who haven't done their homework after they've been encouraged to take a swimming class or do a three hour coding lesson twice a week.

It's very obvious (from looking at statistics) that single parents tend to be struggling and earn far less. Relatively few thrive in their careers, as they don't have the necessary support.

Why are you denying known facts?

Oh give over. It's perfectly acceptable for a 17yr old to cook an occasional meal. It will do them good to learn some life skills.
I'm sure OP understands that if his/her partner suddenly finds a job they will all have to roll their sleeves up at home.

Well, that’s clearly the OP’s expectation. And Betty seems to be in wholehearted and energetic agreement with the OP.