Other half refuses to work...

[pocketpairs]

I would appreciate some genuine advice, so if just going to write "finish relationship", please don't comment.

Both mid 40s, married 18 yrs, 2 DCs. When we got together, DW was very career driven. I grew up in poor family, before we got married , I said in no uncertain terms that "I won't marry someone who won't work (in some form)"

After DC1, she dropped to part time. After DC2 to 1 day w/p, then we mutually agreed she'd stop work until DC was started primary school full time.

Last few years, I've broached the subject about her restarting work, but she's proposed counter-arguments (i.e. who's going to pick DC from school, etc).

Now DC2 is starting secondary school next year, tried to have a serious conversation, and she's said in no uncertain terms she "won't work". She feels we have enough enough to live a comfortable life.

I'm at my wits end, as we don't have enough, and certainly don't have enough for future. Mortgage paid off, I earn £56k (approx), some savings, & £80k pension pot (not much I know!). She has 3 years in DB pension.

So what next?!

I know friends who earn a great deal more have paid off mortgages both work when the children reach second age and before albeit part time.

Hate to burst anyones bubble but 86k is not a big pension pot. Especially for two people.

Yes how many parents of 12 yo and older have to only work til 2.30 because of the school run. Ridiculous.

Tutoring does require some prep but even if you allocate that one whole day and add on the four hours she’s actually doing the tutoring she’s effectively working 1.5 days a week.

Tutoring can’t take place within the school day as your customers are in school - it takes place immediately after the end of the school day into the evening. So on the evenings she is tutoring OP would have to be responsible for getting home promptly for DC2, overseeing/supporting homework and afterschool activities, and making supper.

The longer your DW is out of the workforce the harder it will be to get a job. She will continue to make excuses not to work.

As you cannot make her do so or take your concerns on board you have only 2 choices - put up with it or split up.

I know I couldn't be with someone who had no intention to work.

Exactly. I work FT and have managed to get to a position earning a high 6 figure sum - I do not have a DH at home supporting my career. He works FT and we support each other and our family equally.

@Windchimesandsong "by doing the valuable job of parenting" - I take it you think I'm not parenting my children then? They've turned out pretty well considering they've had no parenting.

The 1950s are calling you....

Agreed. But having been out of education for so long, education has changed so much in 11 years. I would send my child for music, languages but nothing else I'm afraid.

When it's a couple - it's a family unit.

In OP's case, both he and his wife worked. Him in paid employment, his wife as a SAHP.

The alternative would've been outsourcing his wife's job and paying someone else to do it.

Incidentally when parenting is outsourced, because lots of jobs are low paid and the cost of living is high, often exactly what you seem to be complaining about happens - someone else pays for them. Through taxpayer funded childcare.

Well his salary sacrifice for his own pension is critical to his wife and family. If he dropped down dead, they’d certainly need the death in service benefits. She has zero income and you can’t survive on thin air. His wife was a teacher who was only going to be out of work until primary age. They both agreed this. Teachers have good pensions, so if she’s gone back to work when she said she was going too, they wouldn’t have this conflict now.

im so embarassed for you. Outsourcing parenting. How cringe. You outsourcing yours when your kids going to school?

She doesn't see the financial side of things. So I'd focus on the fairness angle. Is it fair that one of you gets hours a day free and the other doesn't? Is it fair that one of you feels the pressure for supporting the finances for the whole family and the other doesn't? Is it fair that due to her flat refusal to financially contribute, you'll probably have to work longer, and retire later, than you otherwise would? That you can't drop down your hours as you reach retirement? Is it fair that your kids won't have a choice of where to go to uni (if there is a course a few hours away that they want to go to instead of the ones nearby) when she could work and give them that choice? Is it fair that you've brought up an issue that you feel us affecting the equality in the marriage and she has completely dismissed it and won't compromise at all,?

We both work FT I work FT inc unsocial hrs and keep on top of house chores, it’s not insurmountable. Plenty folk hold down jobs and have children

we currently use FT nursery
For school will use breakfast and Afterschool when they go to school

let’s not pretend keeping a house is huge task or need an adult FT
direct debit, online payment mean you don’t need to faff about

his wife is lazy and has a fully funded lifestyle that suits her hence the reticence to return to work

True. You would want a tutor up to date on what is being taught.

Why? I've consistently used the acronym SAHP.
Stay at Home Parent. Which of course can be the dad or the mum.

I happily outsource tasks, inc child care, throwing money at a problem is really very practical

If DW is a teacher, Supply Teaching could be an option. Anecdotally, there seems to be less work around at the moment (school budgets mean they are trying to cope if they can). However, if you are coping financially at the moment and not relying on the second income, it might suit you fine - at least once DC2 is in 2ary school. It also gives a bit of flexibility to turn down work if DCs are sick or something else comes up.

The downside is that there is no flexibility and unless you work directly with a school or LA you don't have access to the teachers' pension scheme - so it will be NI contributions plus NEST or similar.

I am not in favour of OPs attitude as you can see in my posts.
I am however a full time working mum of three kids.
Ive always worked, they are now 20 plus.
My comments have nothing to do with whether both parents work or not
I do however not accept the general tone of OPs comments.

He clearly found it personally convenient to have his wife at home whilst he continued to work and progress in his career and pay into his own pension. Maybe at the time he couldn’t be bothered to cook, clean, research schools, change nappies or commit equally to take days off with the endless sicknesses they get whilst at nursery. I wonder if he suggested he stay at home for the kids, or they pay a nanny or childcare.
Now that he wants her back in work Has he agreed to do half of everything around the house and with the kids.
They are paying for private tuition for their kids which it seems is more important than his wife’s private pension….who made that choice.

I am not removed from reality but have reacted to a tone in the OPs posts that comes across as bullying. I’d love to hear the wife’s side to all this.

We both work FT I work FT inc unsocial hrs and keep on top of house chores, it’s not insurmountable. Plenty folk hold down jobs and have children
we currently use FT nursery. For school will use breakfast and Afterschool when they go to school

So someone else has a full time job of looking after your kids? Does it only not count when they are your own children or do you think the nursery workers are Lazy too?

Not working is fine it both parties agree with it. When they don’t, it is not fine. That’s it end of,

peoole making ludicrous statements of having to work part time, or needing someone at home to work, or having to go part time, or outsourcing parenting, which is the most awful one yet, is just embarrassing for those concerned.

we aren’t your husbands, you can’t kid us.

@Staunchlystarling I guess to an extent, yes, you could say I am outsourcing when they're at school. Although school isn't only childcare. It's also providing an education and valuable opportunity to develop social interactions with other children.

I don't see though why describing childcare etc as "outsourcing" is bad. It is what it is. I picked up the term from one of the articles I linked up thread (unless it was in another article I read but haven't linked as don't want to bombard the thread). So if you do have issue's with it, maybe need to take it up with the journalist who wrote the relevant article.

ETA. To avoid misunderstanding. I'm not at all "anti-working mums" or "anti both parents working". (I am against it when it's not a choice and instead forced due to high cost of living).

I am, however, saddened by modern society's devaluing of the equally valid choice a couple should be able to make - of one parent doing the job of a SAHP.

You seem to think that little wifey sitting at home means big man can earn lots of money that he wouldnt have done if she was out working the tills at tesco

Its ridiculous and laughable.

@pocketpairs If you are worried about finances now, divorcing her for that reason is absolutely shooting yourself in the foot. You will be worse off financially after a divorce, she will be considerably worse off. Your assets will be split, she can make a case for more than 50% of the assets because her mortgage potential is currently 0. She will be entitled to 50% of your current pension pot. There will be two households to fund going forward. If the relationship is over then divorce is the right thing to do, but you both need to get solid legal advice before you proceed. If you can't divorce amicably you can spend many thousands on solicitors fees.

Tell her you are considering divorce, tell her to get legal advice. The solicitor will tell her she needs to maximise her earning potential and get back to work.

Just FYI the money saving expert website has a tool that allows you to calculate how much university might cost (on top of student loans). My DD is doing a 5 year course, MSE told me she'd likely need about £30k on top of student loans to cover costs for the duration of her course. It might be worth showing DW this so she can get a concrete idea of how much needs to be saved.

"Women, know your limits!"

And you don’t think nursery does that?

the word outsourcing isn’t the issue, it is outsourcing parenting. We are still parents, and you know it.

A 12 year old is more than capable of getting the bus to school, with or without a 17 year old sibling getting the same bus.