Other half refuses to work...

[pocketpairs]

I would appreciate some genuine advice, so if just going to write "finish relationship", please don't comment.

Both mid 40s, married 18 yrs, 2 DCs. When we got together, DW was very career driven. I grew up in poor family, before we got married , I said in no uncertain terms that "I won't marry someone who won't work (in some form)"

After DC1, she dropped to part time. After DC2 to 1 day w/p, then we mutually agreed she'd stop work until DC was started primary school full time.

Last few years, I've broached the subject about her restarting work, but she's proposed counter-arguments (i.e. who's going to pick DC from school, etc).

Now DC2 is starting secondary school next year, tried to have a serious conversation, and she's said in no uncertain terms she "won't work". She feels we have enough enough to live a comfortable life.

I'm at my wits end, as we don't have enough, and certainly don't have enough for future. Mortgage paid off, I earn £56k (approx), some savings, & £80k pension pot (not much I know!). She has 3 years in DB pension.

So what next?!

So if she worked he would be unemployed or working at the local donkey sanctuary as a volunteer?

Just how has her 'work' enabled his career exactly?

“I agree she should go back to work but I think it's a bit off for the OP to think that his life shouldn't change much when she does this because she should limit herself to taking a "little job" that doesn't inconvenience the family him.”

Fixed that for you Goldbar.

He’s perfectly happy for the eldest child to be inconvenienced by his wife going back to work.

It’s just himself who mustn’t be inconvenienced.

Maybe he should take a Sabbatical for year she can take on tasks she can work unencumbered get some work experience . Do a return to teaching course

What a load of hogwash. The majority of the people in the workforce don't have a stay-home housekeeper to "enable" them, and still manage to perform perfectly well in the workplace.

What exactly has she been doing all day in the many years since the kids started FT school?

By preventing him from having to reduce his working hours to 09.30 to 14.30 so that he can do the school run every day.

Well even though you're being snidey, if that were a serious proposal, exactly what are they living on for that year, she isnt going to walk into something at 56k is she?

Why would he need to do that exactly?

I can’t work out if people are so removed from reality they genuinely think you can’t work unless someone is at home acting like nanny and housekeeper, or defending their own lifestyle choices. It is beyond odd.

and friggen offensive to all the working women out there who don’t have some domestic chore doer.

OP's wife was a SAHM; some might consider that she was fortunate enough to have that choice.

Some would say OP was fortunate to have a wife who gave up her paid career - to do the job of SAHP, enabling him to continue in his paid career.

she needs to start earning again to contribute.

She has been contributing to her family and to society. Doing the job of a SAHP.

As for her returning to paid employment now the DC are older. It sounds like she is trying. She's taken the first step by doing voluntary work. As a previous poster said, OP's wife will likely face employer age and paid employment gap discrimination, so voluntary work could be her chance to get a foot back in the door.

The youngest is nearly 12 years old. By next summer they surely will be. I was babysitting for younger children (not in my family, paid babysitting for neighbours) at that age. Having a 12-year-old does not preclude working a FT job ffs.

I’m sorry why would he have to do that, why couldn’t he do wraparound care?

Who's doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, school runs, getting up getting dc ready in the morning, taking DC to their appointments, doing all the admin for DC, food shoppping, etc? If it's your DW then she is working, sorry.

you can't expect her to do all of this and work around it, whilst you get off on just going to work, coming home and putting your feet up. Maybe she knows she will still have the whole house to run, plus go to work and isn't willing to do that, which is fair enough.

You don't sound on the breadline either, the finances you have listed sound comfortable. She may feel she's done her bit contributing to the family at this point after years of being a SAHM. I think you should cut the poor woman some slack.

what so he need to retain working because she has no relevant work experience
Yes he should take a sabbatical and hold job open or he cuts his hours, she can crack on get a job. Feel the responsibility of being sole earner

If I were you, I'd take all the pressure off.

Talk instead of what you might like to be able to afford. Maybe a house deposit for the kids?

If you think that might be too intense take smaller steps. What about just taking an interest in here volunteering. Suggest if she explores some ad hoc employment she could spend the money on herself or on treats for the family.

I think a career change is daunting.

I would encourage a period of play and trying out new things, reassure her that you understand the need your family has for any work she takes on to be flexible!

I think it's definitely possible but I think you've been too forceful!

It’s a privalge to never work a day and have kids and someone else pays for them.

@StandingSideBySide

"The question was for OP
Referencing whether her private pension was equally important to top up as OPs clearly has been.

Her state pension payments are secure up until the youngest reaches 12."

The op only has £86k in his pension at the moment after c20 years. He simply does not earn enough to make any significant pension contributions for his wife as well out of his taxed income.

Instead of small savings he might be better paying her NICs so she will have enough years for a state pension when the allowance for looking after children stops but this might exceed the amounts he is currently saving.

The point!
If OP is prepared to make a salary sacrifice for his own personal pension then he should also have considered his wife’s personal pension when they both decided that she would give up work for the kids.

Lets not forget the comments by OP referring to him wanting her to work the hours he deems necessary. So that she can still be around to pick up all the family flack.

It would be more appropriate for OP to be stating he intends to do 50% of everything, including arranging school holiday stuff and being the first point of call when the school wants a chat etc etc. OP isn’t saying they intend to do anything extra. OP wants his DW to do a job at his convenience.

Most People want to work a job with career progression. It doesn’t seem like OP has enough respect for his DW to ‘allow’ that.

If I was her I’d go back to work full time and hand the rest over to OP.

What was her family of origin like?

My MIL never worked post kids. She's intelligent, able, capable. FIL didn't want her to work (if she'd felt really passionate about something she would have I think, as she's very strong willed). But he clearly saw his role as "provider" and he had a good pension. They have lived a nice life for over 60 years on his earnings/pension alone. DC had full grants at university.

My DPs are rather similar.

I have always found work interesting and valuable or changed jobs if I didn't, but my sister and DBIL have reproduced this traditional "man is provider" model - to a lesser degree of success because society has changed and the cost of living is greater.

are you under the impression women are incapable and she couldn’t consider her own pension and still can’t. She needs a big smart man to do that for her?

She sounds lazy, it's not exactly like she's facilitated a high flying career for you is it if you're only on £54k after 17 or so years of her not in paid employment. As long as you're content to take on equal responsibilities in terms of the children then if she refuses I'd leave and take my salary with me. Ew.

https://harrogatefamilylaw.co.uk/contribution-homemaker-divorce/

If she wants a pension pot she need to work.

I agree
i know it’s not a competition or race to the bottom but people are seriously deluded and ime make their role at home fit their free time when the reality is it is very possible to do everything around a paid job,

Also people are out of touch with the majority of people who have no choice but to do the juggle.

Yes if only there were other options available.

12 is a bit young to babysit!