Other half refuses to work...

[pocketpairs]

I would appreciate some genuine advice, so if just going to write "finish relationship", please don't comment.

Both mid 40s, married 18 yrs, 2 DCs. When we got together, DW was very career driven. I grew up in poor family, before we got married , I said in no uncertain terms that "I won't marry someone who won't work (in some form)"

After DC1, she dropped to part time. After DC2 to 1 day w/p, then we mutually agreed she'd stop work until DC was started primary school full time.

Last few years, I've broached the subject about her restarting work, but she's proposed counter-arguments (i.e. who's going to pick DC from school, etc).

Now DC2 is starting secondary school next year, tried to have a serious conversation, and she's said in no uncertain terms she "won't work". She feels we have enough enough to live a comfortable life.

I'm at my wits end, as we don't have enough, and certainly don't have enough for future. Mortgage paid off, I earn £56k (approx), some savings, & £80k pension pot (not much I know!). She has 3 years in DB pension.

So what next?!

a) San Francisco is one of the most expensive markets in the US

b) SAHP are not doing all of those tasks and chores to professional standards, nor are they accountable for quality/outcomes/timeliness

c) why do these sorts of essays and articles never mention the COSTS involved in providing 100 percent support to a dependent adult?

In exchange for cooking, cleaning and childcare, they are getting the equivalent of thousands of pounds per month in shelter, food, heat, transport/vehicle, tech and gadgets, leisure and entertainment, gifts/holidays, retirement savings etc. for themselves AND covering the 50 percent financial support of their KIDS that they would otherwise be liable for. Funny that, eh?

After DC2 to 1 day w/p, then we mutually agreed she'd stop work until DC was started primary school full time

that was the mistake, hard to get back in after such a break

are you really happy to pick up your share? of holidays, sick days, dropoffs and pickups, inset days etc?

Ditto

Just sounds like laziness.

So many Mens Rights Activists on mumsnet.

👏👏👏

Kids LOVE a stay at home parent

Says who??!!

If this thread was reversed and it was a woman saying the lazy man wouldn't work, there would be completely different responses!

Mumnset blows my mind sometimes!

'As an aside.
When your DW gave up work to have your kids did you not agree you would contribute to her private pension, the same as you were to yours?'

His salary is probably salary sacrifice taken pre-tax. After paying the mortgage, all the bills, food and transport for the family, there is unlikely to be the money left to make any significant contribution to a pension for his wife.

She can't contribute to her teaching pension once she's left, and there isn't a plan at the moment for buying extra years of NI for her which should be the priority ahead of any private pension.

Unfair comment. Why isn't wife wanting to work to contribute? Irrespective of how good it is that mortgage has been paid off in mid 40s.
This comment is deflecting from the real problem that OP wants advice on

That wasn't what I meant at all, @midgetastic. I mean that if and when something serious happens to a teen (EBSA, eating disorder, physical illness or whatever), it can end up forcing a parent, normally the mum, out of the workplace, or at least making her life very difficult.

The best thing for DC is parents who can communicate well and work together and have shared values.

Whatever their employment status.

OP, it sounds like you (and maybe your DW?) hail from outside the UK originally. How have older family members/older friends fared post children and in retirement? Is that worth discussing with her? Does she genuinely realise what a poor outcome here could look like?

I'm 52 and have learnt a lot - dos and don'ts - from observing 60- something friends and DP/DPIL.

Er…it’s an 86k pension pot!

Yes, well, many of us would be grateful if someone else had supported us for 11 years,not obstinately refusing to return the favour. Maybe OP would like a rest.

He’s been asked that question multiple times on the thread and refuses to answer.

He’s made clear, though, that he only wants her to work the number of hours that won’t cause him any inconvenience.

He’s also indicated that, rather than him taking the younger child to school so that his wife can work, he thinks the GCSE age child should look after the younger sibling.

I actually don't like the idea of SAHP altogether (ignoring extenuating circs) as we all have a duty to earn and pay tax.

Everyone pays tax. Income tax isn't the only tax.

Separately, in many cases the taxpayer funds outsourced parenting - childcare. Often for low waged jobs (so costing more than any tax revenue from those low paid jobs).

When there's a couple with a SAHP, it's a family unit - and the working parent in that family unit is doing "their duty and paying (income) tax". The SAHP of that family unit is also contributing to society - by doing the valuable job of parenting, whilst enabling their partner to do paid employment.

She’s got a life were she consumes he pays
He has sole financial responsibility. She doesn’t financially contribute and makes no moves to re-entering job market
Being a mum doesn’t mean you get to waft in an ethereal haze and never work again because you had a baby
Hes not an ATM he doesn’t have to habitually pay and earn because she refuses to

Exactly. If she's 40ish, she could live for another 50 years. He's already been supporting her for the best part of 20 years.

It is not OK for someone to expect not to work for their entire lives, simply because they've produced a couple of kids and done some housework.

The question was for OP
Referencing whether her private pension was equally important to top up as OPs clearly has been.

Her state pension payments are secure up until the youngest reaches 12.

Yes, but now the children are at school and the wife needs to return to work.
Issues re pick ups etc can be resolved (that's what FT working parents have always had to arrange).
OP, you need to have an open, frank discussion with your wife. Otherwise, your resentment will become toxic and corrosive to your relationship.
OP's wife was a SAHM; some might consider that she was fortunate enough to have that choice. Now, in fairness to OP, she needs to start earning again to contribute.

And she wont inconvenience herself at all to share the financial load.

Totally. Paying into a spouses private pension when you only earn £56k, whilst also paying 100% of all costs! Are people unrealistic about what the take home pay is on 56k - and it is supporting four people.

Do you mean OP's wife, when you say "would like a rest"?

He's been supported by his wife for 11 years. Her work as a SAHP enabled him to pursue his paid career.

Hi see a financial consultant together and get them to explain to her how your pension is small and she needs to stop being a lazy arse.

She has also supported him. It’s a privilege to have children and never have to take a day off work for them.

Do you seriously think that he wouldn't be working if he didn't have a stay-home spouse?

Where are getting this crap that it takes a stay-homer to facilitate anyone doing well at their job? Millions upon millions of us progress in our careers without supporting an able adult to stay home and clean our toilets or peg out the washing. It's called "get the housework done on weekends." and "Don't invent imaginary jobs that need doing so one can claim to be doing 30 hours of housework per week."

Agree entirely