Other half refuses to work...

[pocketpairs]

I would appreciate some genuine advice, so if just going to write "finish relationship", please don't comment.

Both mid 40s, married 18 yrs, 2 DCs. When we got together, DW was very career driven. I grew up in poor family, before we got married , I said in no uncertain terms that "I won't marry someone who won't work (in some form)"

After DC1, she dropped to part time. After DC2 to 1 day w/p, then we mutually agreed she'd stop work until DC was started primary school full time.

Last few years, I've broached the subject about her restarting work, but she's proposed counter-arguments (i.e. who's going to pick DC from school, etc).

Now DC2 is starting secondary school next year, tried to have a serious conversation, and she's said in no uncertain terms she "won't work". She feels we have enough enough to live a comfortable life.

I'm at my wits end, as we don't have enough, and certainly don't have enough for future. Mortgage paid off, I earn £56k (approx), some savings, & £80k pension pot (not much I know!). She has 3 years in DB pension.

So what next?!

@pocketpairs have you asked her to go to marriage counselling with you , as ultimately this is having an impact on your marriage whether she knows it now or not. None of us can know her reasons for sticking her line in the sand, we will all just end up speculating. It’s not like you are newly married so you must have some basis for how you make decisions together.

Honestly these replies are a joke. Why should OP support a grown woman who could and should go back to work? The kids are in secondary school - she can't unilaterally decide not to contribute to the household pot

Ok, let us diversify our answer a little bit with more expansive sentences and chewing options away , even though your wife does not want to work out of the home ( you realise she work in the home , right? )

Do you have joint finances and how that works? Is she overspender or you just give her money and cover her basic needs?

If she goes part time or full time, how much money you would want from her? Is her name on your own saving pot?

Paid mortgage is not a position many of us have, many of us married later and will have to pay until we are 68. Why don't you see that you are quite well off, even though your budget seems smaller than the ones claiming here that they earn a Mnet 200 000 and above salary?

Why do you think your wife refuses to leave the home and faces the workplace? Have you had a chat about it? Do you love your wife and if she is ND or shy or scared of life out there, what would you do, to support her?

What are the financial needs of your kids? Are they spoilt into spending too much or are easy going kids? Will they get on with some teenage work in cafes, shops, etc so you don't have to pay for everyone's phones, cafe meetups and so on?

Do you love your wife and do you want to live with her even if she come out with mental health issues as an excuse for example?

Why would you necessarily be paying child support? Especially if you already do a lot of the childcare/housework, couldn't the kids stay with you? After all, they won't need much looking after at their ages? It's not easy being a full-time working single parent but, as many posters have said on this thread, it's entirely possible.

lol...I don't want to sound like a dick, but she has loads of admirable hobbies...learning a language, tutoring disadvantaged children, volunteering a a charity. I just wish she would also take one that brings in a little money, like a poster said just to pay for university (if children decide to go)

She should be contributing towards the finances and full time is absolutely reasonable with both you and the kids contributing to the household work.

I do think you should have a further conversation with her. Explain how much you would each have as a pension as things stand. How little you will have to see the kids through uni. I also think you should explain how tough it is to be the only one shouldering the financial burden.

Given that you are also a higher rate tax payer it is likely that effectively you are earning the equivalent of you both being on minimum wage or at least not far off. You are not going to build a decent retirement income for two of you on that.

It may well be a confidence thing for her or just that she likes her life as it is, but it isn't OK for her to expect a husband that she loves to do all the paid work and his share of the housework alongside her and the kids.

If she is primary trained (you say ks2) then there's a limited market for personal tuition unless she offers 11+ tutoring and you are in a grammar area.

There is a bit of a market for tuition in the run up to sats but most parents aren't bothered about sats in the way that they are about GCSEs. The market hourly rate at that age is also lower. There's a perception that s bright teenager can tutor a ks2 child no problem.

I'm an ex-teacher (secondary maths) and I have friends who are primary trained who do private tutoring, and they don't make much.

In addition, if she were to try for a teaching job in a primary, there is massive oversupply of primary teachers - every year many more graduate and some never find jobs. She'd really struggle to get employed with a career break like that in her CV.

In the time she has been out, the curriculum has changed massively and she won't be up to date with current legislation and best practice.

She could look at working as a TA, which is term time only. It is very badly paid though and many TAs work with children who are violent to them.

@pocketpairs I suggest you budget into the equation buying 20 years of NI contributions for your wife, as well as additional pension contributions so as to keep your retired income between you to somewhat similar to your now income when you retire in 22 years or whatever.

If you took all that ^ out of your current post tax spend pot at present, how would that leave you financially? Still able to afford holidays, cars, food / heating even?

I wouldn't think your wife has considered what would happen if you dropped dead the day after claiming your pension (so no lump sum refunded), no full state pension for her etc (do you have life assurance? When does it expire due to age?)

I do recommend seeing a financial advisor//pensions advisor together to spell it out.

This.

She can tutor as I’m an ex teacher and left after 20 years as workload is insane so part time wouldn’t be any less. She will have less time than you think.

I tutor as my new job pays significantly less than my teaching job and tutor early years through to ks2.

you say your children can catch bus together but the one in 6th form will be on a different timetable so might not need to be at same time.

this now comes down to the fact that you accept everything as it is or you decide that your values don’t align and leave. The mum doesn’t automatically get the kids as you can split 50/50 and then child support wouldn’t be as much to pay out.
you can meet someone with the same values as you.

i resent having to work all hours to keep our heads above water and once our kid is out of the nest I’m likely to leave and find someone with my values but I don’t want to right now as we have one kid in y11.

@pocketpairs you're gonna get all the SAHPs saying stuff about how she is working, but in the home. It's a job, blah blah.
But the truth is, unless you've agreed to spoil support her for her whole life, then you rightly feel hard done by.
But you need to tell her that, and see if you can make her understand.

From people I know in real life (men and women), going back to work after a long time not working is a huge mental hurdle to clear. Maybe include in this group the work-from-home people who now flatly refuse to return to the office.

The anticipation is way worse than the reality.

But the consequence of not clearing this hurdle has to be severe - you go back to work at least part-time or we divorce. You return to the office or you're fired.

First job should be part-time - grocery store, work in the schools type gig. I wouldn't encourage a work-from-home thing at all. She needs to work out of the house.

Have you asked her why she thinks you should work 5 days a week for this ‘comfortable’ lifestyle whilst she works none?
Tell her you’d like to drop to 4 days so she’ll need to work a day or two.
The current set up is completely unfair.
If she has enough time to volunteer then she has enough time to tutor or such like

I would appreciate some genuine advice, so if just going to write "finish relationship", please don't comment.

If you won't accept the blindingly obvious advice, why bother posting?

The OP hadn't suggested that his DW has any of these things either

I disagree re gender stereotypes. The SAHP doesn't have to be the mother. Nothing stopping the man doing it - and although less common there are some SAHDs.

The most important thing is, it needs to be a joint decision as to who prefers to take do job of SAHP, made by each individual couple.

Also, even if it's more commonly the mother, why is that bad? Why is that very valuable job seen (by modern society) as lesser and "not a real job" (despite when both parents work in paid employment, they pay someone else to do the job)?

I think it's a terrible shame that modern society too often devalues the important role of a SAHP.

That's the issue, because we can afford it now she think we're doing fine. But the modest amount I put away wont last very long if I have to stop working / retire.

She just says they can go to uni near home (we do have great unis here), but I want to give my DCs options.

Has she looked at teaching for an online school?

Or perhaps people who work in childcare, breakfast clubs, and after-school clubs, are feeling understandably offended by people suggesting their jobs are "not real work".

Once at school there’s not that much SAHP work to make it impossible to do any paid work.

It might not be FT work, and it’s a time a lot of mums particularly think about a career change, but there’s 6 hours every weekday with the children in school.

It’s still a valid choice for a family to make, but it isn’t like the slog of babies to pre school which absolutely is work.

I think that as the children get older she will want to anyway. Maybe just give her some time because it will be daunting to think of going back to that after so long out. She could think about studying to do something she really wants rather than work at a supermarket just for money

I’m sure OP wishes he was married to someone as together and capable as you.

Don't think I haven't considered it...

They are real work. Being a sahp to a school age child means a lot of free time though.

I think you need to be truthful with her.

Be honest about the low opinion you have of her.

Be honest with her that you no longer have any use for her now that she’s served her purpose as you see it - of enabling you to present yourself in the workplace as a respectable family man who, luckily for him thanks to his career-sacrificing wife, doesn’t inconvenience his employer by doing his share of the career-damaging childcare tasks like school runs.

Be honest with her that, as a result of you capitalising on her “lack of financial literacy” as you put it, she’s enabled you to build your £56k salary and your £200k pension pot and enabled you to decide that - genuinely and recently and coincidentally just at the point when you think the kids don’t need the same amount of time and practical support any more - you’re entitled to feel resentment towards her.

Be truthful with her now and give her a decent chance to get back in the workplace and on her feet financially before it’s too late and she has no options.