Other half refuses to work...

[pocketpairs]

I would appreciate some genuine advice, so if just going to write "finish relationship", please don't comment.

Both mid 40s, married 18 yrs, 2 DCs. When we got together, DW was very career driven. I grew up in poor family, before we got married , I said in no uncertain terms that "I won't marry someone who won't work (in some form)"

After DC1, she dropped to part time. After DC2 to 1 day w/p, then we mutually agreed she'd stop work until DC was started primary school full time.

Last few years, I've broached the subject about her restarting work, but she's proposed counter-arguments (i.e. who's going to pick DC from school, etc).

Now DC2 is starting secondary school next year, tried to have a serious conversation, and she's said in no uncertain terms she "won't work". She feels we have enough enough to live a comfortable life.

I'm at my wits end, as we don't have enough, and certainly don't have enough for future. Mortgage paid off, I earn £56k (approx), some savings, & £80k pension pot (not much I know!). She has 3 years in DB pension.

So what next?!

I suppose the contrary view is that at least the mother bothered to stick around.

Yeah he said the three to four hours in response to someone suggesting he’d have to pull his weight more around the house, so I have a feeling he wants her to work, whilst his life remains completely unchanged, but maybe OP could clarify, seeing as he’s been asked many times already.

I'm so sick of hearing this. I managed to bring up my family as a single mum and work full time. I qualified as a nurse at 21, had my DS on my own the same year not planned and worked full time at BUPA which was well paid and flexible enough to fit around childcare. I became ward sister very quickly and had a wonderful childminder. DS is now 41 and is perfectly happy and well brought up.
I bought my house soon after I got my promotion.
You don't need to be at home for kids 24/7. I didn't want to rent or live a life on benefits.

Why should one person work full time while the other does f* all now kids are at secondary school?

if they can live comfortably on one wage why don’t they both get to work part time?

I think you need to talk and find out what lies at the root of her not wanting to go back to work
Is it that she's lost confidence?
Does she feel she'd miss out on the things she does that she enjoys doing today today?
Does she feel she'd be overburdened as she'd still have to do all the housework etc?
Doesn't she want to go back to teaching?
Is she afraid of loss of status as she'd likely go back to something which wouldn't use her intelligence / abilities?
Doesn't she want someone else telling her what to do?
Does she feel the children still need her? Is she not ready to leave those intense child-rearing years?

I think I would start saying you understand but explain the burden/stress you are carrying as a sole breadwinner but ask her to try a short term temporary job as an experiment, maybe with the promise that al that money could be used for something she'd really enjoy (eg holiday?)

It's not worthless, but it's not a job.

I'm 61, been in the paid workforce nonstop since age 16, also have a side gig in addition to my FT job. Have always managed to do my own housework and "life admin" despite an absorbing career that now earns me more than six figures.

I have a sanitary and tidy house, do most of my own DIY and have a rather elaborate garden. These are aspects of my chosen lifestyle,not "jobs." Everyone has to maintain their own homes. It's worth as much as one makes it to be, privately. It's not worth much in the competitive marketplace or as a means to earn a living.

SAHP also are very costly. The breadwinner has to stump up shelter, food and bev, heat, elec, technology and gadgets, fuel/vehicle/transport, clothing and personal care/haircuts/etc, gifts, leisure spending, any insurances, travel and retirement savings for an able adult who (once kids are in school) is doing the same housework, shopping and cooking that those of us in the paid workforce do all while earning a paycheque.

It’s 6 years since the youngest went to school and she hasn’t done any work at all in that time? Lazy.

KS2, so understand it may not be as easy. as I initially thought. Didn't consider exam marking.

Fair point.
@pocketpairs how would you feel if you wife did secure a full time job? How much are you prepared to take on in terms of housework, planning, etc?

It takes two to make a baby, so if the father isn’t around in most of your cases, he’s being an even more negligent parent than the mother.

Genuinely (& only recently) feel frustrated. If I leave, our (& my) financial situation won't get any better, as I'll be paying child support, and lose 1/2 house...and kids will be affected.

If I stay I'll probably just end up a resentful old man...

My mum was a SAHP for years. She did a lot. So did my dad in his paid job - but both were equally important and equally valued contributions to the family unit.

Also you seem very dismissive of people whose paid jobs are in childcare. Are you saying their jobs aren't "proper jobs"?

I think this is a good question.

OP, how much are you prepared to contribute and support to help your wife get back to work?

I'm not sure what you expect from this post. Perhaps you just want validation for your perspective? You need to talk to her about your worries for the future and then decide what will happen next if, after a reasonable discussion you'd wife doesn't want to back to employment. You have to acknowledge too that if she does you will have to take up an proportionally increased amount of child and household tasks.

Have you sat down together and made a longer term financial plan for supporting your children as they perhaps do further studies, learn to drive etc? Who manages the finances day to day? If it's you who routinely does this then perhaps she doesn't get to see that maybe you are heading for a problem.

Have you asked her why she won't work? Maybe she thinks her skills are out of date, is she worried that all housework AND a job will be on her, perhaps she doesn't like socialising much. You have to work out why she won't work in order to solve it I think. What jobs are available in your areas that are suitable?

Its not for this thread but its far more complicated and nuanced than this forum likes to make out. Many men want to be involved and want the care of their children, but barriers put in place by the mother make that difficult

There are also plenty of deadbeats too, but again, blanket assumptions about why a dad is not in a childs life (very much) is dangerous and unhelpful.

@pocketpairs Another idea for work is exam invigilator , obviously this is just seasonal but it’s something. I did it through agency work when I was doing my Masters a decade ago. Super easy and they just want a clean DBS.

It could be a start at least if she signs up to do that next spring /summer and then eases into other work.

Courts exist.

Nobody can give you a genuine advice when she bloody can't or won't work. Force her then, send her on a farm or something , LOL ? HM >>>????

username0489 · Today 10:41

What's your solution to her dilemma? Someone needs to pick the children up from school and take them there, I presume. Are you going take over the other tasks she does? Run the house, make appointments and take children to the appointments, cook their dinners etc ?

See this is the thing. I went back to work. We were probably in the same position financially as you and I went back to work. Couldn’t find regular childcare so with the younger ones they were in different after schools on different days and a number of times I left my 13 yo at home alone when sick, or told 15yo to wander around town after school in the evening. Dh sometimes helped, and was getting into constant trouble with work, as was I. We were fighting, always running and regularly had conversations about leaving. But when I did … surprise surprise, dh was as bitter as they come. We’re now in the process of splitting up because he’s so bitter about this (among other things). I regret leaving but not really because it just didn’t work. We’ve exam year here and am job hunting but love that I’m home to collect them, nag them etc😉 Heartbroken that my marriage is as it is

Primary school. Still a lot of SAHP work.

Anf are you calling paid childcare staff "lazy"?

When there's no SAHP (and I appreciate nowadays especially it's often not an option sadly), someone else is paid to do the role of SAHP. Nursery staff, childminders, school breakfast club and after school staff etc.

So whether it's a SAHP or someone else paid to do the job, it's a job.

“Of course it'll impact me if she goes back to work...maybe I'm wrong, but think (Or hope) the impact will be marginal with her working 1/2 days a week.”

So you don’t want her to have her own income, pension pot and financial independence because, for her to be able to have that, you would have to be inconvenienced (by her going full time). And that’s not acceptable to you.

So you’re not so short of money as a family that it justifies you being inconvenienced.

No, You’re on the lookout for ways for more money to be earned provided that it causes you no inconvenience. And you’re posting on mumsnet for back up.

One thing I agree on: your wife made a mistake in not going back to work and instead prioritising your career. She should have gone back to work when the eldest was 8yo and the youngest was 2yo, to enable her to bring in income and build up a pension pot, and you should have spent the last eight years out of the workplace with no income and no pension pot taking your turn at doing all the childcare and life admin with your career on hold.

Consciously avoiding answering that question about housework, as that'll open up a rabbit hole...but I do kids clubs, tuition, bathroom cleaning, ironing (not so much cooking).

You're still young enough to start over. In ten years, it will just be that much more difficult.

If you were to leave now, the dating pool is such that you likely would have an easy time of it, to meet a partner who was willing to be a financial equal. So you wouldn't be carrying the entire load alone. Child maintenance wouldn't last very long given your kids' ages. Make sure you don't get involved with someone who wants to have mutual children with you.

As an over-40 your wife would have a harder time meeting a decent new man but presumably she has factored that in, and still feels that her refusal to work is an acceptable gamble. That is her choice; she's an individual with agency over her own life. But not over yours. You are not obliged to support an able adult for what could be 60+ years total.

The total disrespect for you and your efforts would have me making my own plans, in your shoes.

Have you decided to book a consultation with a financial advisor?

Yes I work in them often (family courts, not criminal courts).