Other half refuses to work...

[pocketpairs]

I would appreciate some genuine advice, so if just going to write "finish relationship", please don't comment.

Both mid 40s, married 18 yrs, 2 DCs. When we got together, DW was very career driven. I grew up in poor family, before we got married , I said in no uncertain terms that "I won't marry someone who won't work (in some form)"

After DC1, she dropped to part time. After DC2 to 1 day w/p, then we mutually agreed she'd stop work until DC was started primary school full time.

Last few years, I've broached the subject about her restarting work, but she's proposed counter-arguments (i.e. who's going to pick DC from school, etc).

Now DC2 is starting secondary school next year, tried to have a serious conversation, and she's said in no uncertain terms she "won't work". She feels we have enough enough to live a comfortable life.

I'm at my wits end, as we don't have enough, and certainly don't have enough for future. Mortgage paid off, I earn £56k (approx), some savings, & £80k pension pot (not much I know!). She has 3 years in DB pension.

So what next?!

Agreed - if the husband hadn't been working.

OP's wife has been working. As a SAHP.

She changed jobs when they had their first child. Gave up her teaching job to take on the full-time job of SAHP.

OP could've, if he'd preferred, changed his job - and become the SAHP instead - whilst his wife remained in teaching. He didn't choose to do that though.

I agree she should go back to work but I think it's a bit off for the OP to think that his life shouldn't change much when she does this because she should limit herself to taking a "little job" that doesn't inconvenience the family.

What she wants is to not work at all. Bit of a stretch to start talking about high powered jobs with international travel when she has hardly worked for 17 years and doesn't want to work at all, not even 3 or 4 hours.

If you are 40ish and that is your forecast, that's a very adverse retirement situation.

If she won't work (and you need, as a pp suggested, to ask her how she plans to fund her own retirement, because you cannot afford to do so) you need to radically overhaul the family budget. Strict spending limits for supermarket, moratorium on any new clothing/game/sport gear purchases, leisure/recreation, etc. and radical frugality such as using vinegar and bicarb instead of purchasing cleaning supplies, meatless living, selling on FB marketplace, etc. Cut out smartphones. Home haircuts. No pocket money for kids, no luxuries for anyone. If your wife doesn't like the lower standard of living she can figure out how to finance an upgrade.

You cannot recapture the time value of money. Saving and investing now is worth FAR more than trying to catch up later. Your day to day quality of living will have to take a big hit now if you don't want to live like a pauper in old age. It's easier to make do when you are young and healthy.

Would it mean the kids arent fed and watered and clothed?

Yes. Post-divorce, my dad would send us, primary-aged, to my mum's house on Sunday nights with unwashed school uniforms. She didn't have a dryer to get them washed and dried for Monday morning and he knew it. She didn't even have central heating, so no radiators.

There were also evenings later on, when I was expected to pick my younger sister up from child care on my way home from school whilst still a child myself, where he would stay late at work, so we didn't eat that night other than toast that I could prepare for both of us.

Do not underestimate the extent to which men will neglect children because they are so used to Stuff Just Happening because of the housework fairy aka DW that it never dawns on them that a human actually has to do it.

Indeed there is no chance of OPs wife doing anything if she doesn’t try. There seems to be no shortage of excuses for her, but she hasn’t even expressed a willingness to go out and see what she could possibly get. If she’s trying and has been unsuccessful that’s a different matter but that’s not what OP has told us.

As I’ve mentioned upthread there’s often online ESL tutoring opportunities and they’d leap at the chance to hire someone with a teaching qualification.

She could find an opportunity to do that reasonably easily even if it meant doing a short online course which costs £100-£1000 depending on which EFL qualification.

She doesnt have to do teaching, she could get a few hours in a supermarket, they're always crying out of staff, as are hospitality businesses.

And for others saying that she hasnt just been at home at her leisure and that she has been parenting - what do you think parents that work have been doing as well, they are parenting too. OP is parenting. The kids are out at school all bloody day!!

That is not helpful. Your sister and aunt are/were not the op. We cannot judge someone else's fears.

Any one of us could lose confidence, even auntie and sis. They are fortunate that they didn't.

Never make comparisons, it's unfair and does not work.

The op's wife needs some gentle encouragement.

Housewife isn’t a job.Its a set of tasks in your own home at your own pace to your own standard. Not a job as no salary no financial contributions to family income

I think your rationale of her working enough to take advantage of her tax free allowance makes complete sense. Could she look at doing something less stressful than teaching? Would that ease her back into the workplace?

Bit late response, but thank you for the insight. I wrongly presumed it would be easy to get a part time / online teaching job.

Tell me that you think women's work is worthless without telling me that you thinj women's work is worthless.

I agree than being a sahp cam be a full time commitment when you have young children or disabled children. But if we saying its a job, then really she is about to be made redundant and needs to find a new job. Or a bit like me in my last role, the business needs changed and they did a consultantation and reduced my hours so i had to go find something else.

Op what do you currently do around the house and for the DC?

So in other words, the OP’s position translates as:
> “I refused to do any childcare or school pick ups because that would inconvenience me and affect my earning potential;
> I was keen for my wife to take on all the inconvenient and career-limiting family duties and to have no income of her own and no pension of her own as her reward for the privilege of being the woman who enabled me to become a parent;
> now that it’s occurred to me that there’s an alternative family member (GCSE-aged teenage child) available to make sure I never have to do a school run for the youngest child, I am now rebranding my wife’s support for my career and the sacrifice of her financial independence as laziness on her part;
> I’m posting on mumsnet in the hope that I’ll be able to tell her that women on mumsnet think she should do as I say.

How about if you take on 3-4 hours a week of her responsibilities first and see how that goes? If you can do that consistently for 6 months then she could use that time to take on paid work?

It would be worth sitting down together and reading right through the "mental load" cartoon first.

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

Tell me you think housewife is same as a salaried job whilst bigging up domestic chores as a full time endeavour

I don’t know about online teaching but She could get an online tutoring (ie roles not requiring a formal teaching qualification) job reasonably easily. I was an ESL instructor for a few years and know people who still do it on the side if they need some additional monies.

ETA: a quicker Google search brought this up. As you can see from the job requirements your wife is more than qualified for a role like this https://uk.indeed.com/q-online-english-tutor-jobs.html?vjk=676e50c5adc42161

I work in childrens services. Im well aware of the numbers of neglected children, the vast vast majority of them are living with a single parent - their mother.

Of course there are terrible parents, but the blanket assumption that because its dad, and dad doesnt know how to cook/shop/turn the washing machine on/wash the child is ridiculous. Both sexes can be good parents, both sexes can be bad parents.

Presumably that would be a joint decision.

Maybe op would like to reitre early too? What's he supposed to do work until 69 while his wife spends 20 odd years at home?

Just some insight on how to work through the situation. A lot of useful comments, which I can take onboard, but agree it's not an if all situation, and maybe I've boxed myself in..

The MN rhetoric is that it is unacceptable to express this view, but unless there are extenuating circs such as caring responsibilities, then being a SAHM just plays up to gender stereotyping. Some of us are out there every day competing with men who have SAH wives. It's just exacerbating the problem and we won't break down the inequality until this stops.

Im cringing for you using that stupid trope

Its not 'womens work' and its simply day to day basics. Its worth what you want it to be. If you want towels washed every day and floor mopped every day, that is worthwhile to you, it certainly isnt to me.

It is not women's work!!! It's house work. Or parent's work. Or family work. But it's definitely not women's work.

I wasn't thinking "high-powered jobs" as such. Lots of jobs have anti-social hours or involve travel. Nannying, waitressing, adult education, even cleaning. Teaching itself is surprisingly un-family friendly except the holidays - early starts, parent teacher meetings, school trips and lots of prep and marking.

My cousin recently retrained as a midwife having done something quite unrelated before. She loves it and has wanted to do it for years but it does mean her husband does a much bigger share at home.