Other half refuses to work...

[pocketpairs]

I would appreciate some genuine advice, so if just going to write "finish relationship", please don't comment.

Both mid 40s, married 18 yrs, 2 DCs. When we got together, DW was very career driven. I grew up in poor family, before we got married , I said in no uncertain terms that "I won't marry someone who won't work (in some form)"

After DC1, she dropped to part time. After DC2 to 1 day w/p, then we mutually agreed she'd stop work until DC was started primary school full time.

Last few years, I've broached the subject about her restarting work, but she's proposed counter-arguments (i.e. who's going to pick DC from school, etc).

Now DC2 is starting secondary school next year, tried to have a serious conversation, and she's said in no uncertain terms she "won't work". She feels we have enough enough to live a comfortable life.

I'm at my wits end, as we don't have enough, and certainly don't have enough for future. Mortgage paid off, I earn £56k (approx), some savings, & £80k pension pot (not much I know!). She has 3 years in DB pension.

So what next?!

@Chasqui

And?

You've helped to create a bit of a rod for your own back here @pocketpairs. There's no real reason why she couldn't have gone back to work part time as a teacher or worked as a TA once the younger was in school, 6 years ago. Instead, she has made excuse after excuse and you have let the situation continue for a very long time when you were unhappy.
Saying that she is laid back/ likes to live in the moment or is naive aren't good excuses for someone who is at least fairly intelligent and educated. The bottom line is that she is happy to do as she pleases and live a relaxed life even though it is making her husband stressed and unhappy. What sort of person does that?

How can an adult person just "refuse" to work? Can't wrap my head around it. Ridiculous and pathetic. Just stop giving her any money apart from for kids and for basic house maintenance.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to want her to work, but you ARE unreasonable to decide it should be part time only so that your life is unchanged and you don’t have to pick up any extra duties with your kids or house. You don’t get to dictate what work she does, anymore than she can to you, you have to accept that you may need to take time off for kids sick days, do more housework etc, you have to compromise too. If you’re not willing to change your life, you can’t expect her to change hers.

Possibly true, but I'm a working single mum and I find e.g. the laundry (as that's a subject of contention here) exhausting and stressful. On its own it's fine, but that after a long day on little sleep with dinner, shopping, baths, homework, preparation for the next work day, any cleaning that needs doing (I do bare minimum necessary for hygiene), organising medical appointments, social/afterschool/club stuff, ironing, etc., there really is very little time left for spending time with DC, rest or just switching off. Most weekends I have to spend catching up on work leftover from not being able to do full days during the week, due to secondary school finishing much earlier. No doubt the latter will improve as DC becomes able to navigate trains and be alone at home after school, but I'll still be exhausted. And I'm neurotypical — it's not just ND people who find these things extremely hard!

The same way an adult parent can refuse to do any school runs for their own kids.

Last few years, I've broached the subject about her restarting work, but she's proposed counter-arguments (i.e. who's going to pick DC from school, etc).

I tend to agree that once DC are at school, parents - especially mothers - need to pick up paid work again, if only to secure their pension.

However @pocketpairs how much housework do you do? And how much of the mental load do you take on? Do you do some of the ferrying DC about to doctors, birthday parties and so on? If you both work, whose job will it be to pick up DC when ill? Or take a day off work when DC are ill? And so on ...

What proposals for sharing the domestic workload are you making?

A lot of men (or the working for money partner) don't expect to have to make any changes to what they do, but do expect their wife to do the double shift of paid work and a shedload of unpaid work at home.

I didn't say life wasn't hard, life is hard but people still have to work if able. Op hasn't given any inclination that his wife isn't able so she needs to work

I think the OP has suggested only part time work in an attempt to persuade his wife to do something, anything, rather than to dictate. He even mentioned 3-4 hours a week earlier. I don't think he said that he wouldn't be happy to do extra duties. Has he said this or is this just an assumption?

But theirs still time for mumsnet

I dont have a tumble drier and I 'just do the washing'. I just do a load when I can, do the next one, when I can.

Its not difficult

You see, I discovered early on that my children actually have "off" switches - isn't that lucky? Now I get plenty of "me" time because I turn the kids off after school for a few hours and then just turn them back on for a few minutes before bed.

I honestly don't know how I'd get much done with all the "mummy, mummy, mummy, come play with me", "I need help with homework!", "I'm hungry", "the kitchen is flooding!" if I couldn't just turn them off for a bit.

Very few do that, certainly when children are at any age when they need picking up.
In this situation, both children can make their way to and from school independently so this is irrelevant in any case.

Easy solution to that - eat it!

That's the $64k dollar question I guess...but thank you your perspective.

The op has teenagers I'd find it odd if they where acting like that

There's always one...

How dare a mother go to a parenting forum to discuss parenting?

I see your point but just to clarify I’m not necessarily saying SAHP teens did worse or at least that wasn’t my intention. I’m just saying really there was no clear advantage.

I think quite honestly the fact most of the ones who did well had two working parents is partly related to the fact that most kids in general - at least at schools I worked at - had two working parents!

My main point was that there didn’t seem to be any clear advantage I saw in the minority who had a parent staying at home.

This was true also of my school days at a mainstream middle class school, and none of the kids in my school had parents who stayed at home due to kids having a disability. There was a few ND kids (including me) or classmates with ND siblings but I don’t think anyone had a high needs disabled sibling.

Op does your 17 year old work. I'd be interested in your wife's opinion to that

Have you tried asking her what support you could give her to help her back into work?

This really is unfair for you op. And on your kids who won’t get the support they need at uni. It’s nonsense that everyone on here is automatically siding with your wife.

I would do another forecast with your wife but this time tell her you are dropping your hours to 3 days a week and she needs to pick up the slack.

Alternatively I would stop having shared finances and only cover yours and the children’s costs. If she wants to buy herself things she can earn her own money.

on the NI contributions, someone can correct me if this is wrong but has she been claiming child benefit? My understanding is that mothers who claimed child benefit had their NI contributions covered. Maybe it’s time limited. If so your pension forecast might not be as bad as you think

The thing is, if you walk away, how much money will you have to pay in CM, spousal support, 2 homes??? Or will the Judge instruct her to get a job?

Their is nothing wrong with using mumsnet but then don't sprout a load of shit about not having a second to spare in the day

Year 6 pupils can walk home on their own unless they live miles away. They don't need to be picked up. Your wife could go part-time and you could pay for the after school club. Then your wife could pick them up after or be at home by the time your child gets home.

Haven't read the full thread, sorry.

Just wanted to point out that OP's wife has been and still is working. She's parenting. Which is a job - one that if there isn't a SAHP, someone else is paid to do (childcare etc).

Re the future,as the DC get older. I don't know if the employer age discrimination that commonly starts as young as 40 (and OP and his wife are already mid 40s) happens in teaching. In some subjects especially there's a shortage of teachers. However I do know though that quite a few teachers are burnt out by mid-late 40s or 50s.

With your suggestion she does private tutoring @pocketpairs It's possible parents looking for that will prefer a tutor with more recent teaching experience?

You mention she's "pottering about" doing voluntary work as if you're being dismissive of that?

It sounds like it's her taking first dip back in the waters. Although she's been working full-time (as a SAHP), some employers still fail to recognise that valuable job and don't count it as recent work experience. Whereas they might with voluntary work.

Volunteering could also help give her more confidence about being back in a paid role.