Other half refuses to work...

[pocketpairs]

I would appreciate some genuine advice, so if just going to write "finish relationship", please don't comment.

Both mid 40s, married 18 yrs, 2 DCs. When we got together, DW was very career driven. I grew up in poor family, before we got married , I said in no uncertain terms that "I won't marry someone who won't work (in some form)"

After DC1, she dropped to part time. After DC2 to 1 day w/p, then we mutually agreed she'd stop work until DC was started primary school full time.

Last few years, I've broached the subject about her restarting work, but she's proposed counter-arguments (i.e. who's going to pick DC from school, etc).

Now DC2 is starting secondary school next year, tried to have a serious conversation, and she's said in no uncertain terms she "won't work". She feels we have enough enough to live a comfortable life.

I'm at my wits end, as we don't have enough, and certainly don't have enough for future. Mortgage paid off, I earn £56k (approx), some savings, & £80k pension pot (not much I know!). She has 3 years in DB pension.

So what next?!

Guessing you don't have disabled child, building project or house move on the go at the moment?

And you can't assume she doesn't she worked as a teacher so I'm assuming she's quite a capable fully functioning adult

Are people saying mothers who work are putting their teenage children at serious risk?

That's charming and probably untrue

Babying children however does put them at risk because

I'm sorry for you, OP.

With two children in secondary school, who presumably do not have additional needs, your wife is being extremely unreasonable.

Why should the financial responsibility be all on one persons shoulders?

If your wife doesn't build up her credits she may not even become eligible for her state pension at some point, and you will have to support her with yours.

Who pays for her discretionary spends? Any family treats? You do. That's really unfair.

This sort of behaviour really annoys me. I'm pretty sure it would make me gradually lose respect for my partner. It would certainly make me unhappy, and possibly enough to make a change at some point.

I'd probably have to be frank and tell her this.

Does she have anything else going on have you sat down together and had a conversation about how she is feeling ? Rather than just telling her she needs to work ?
I had a problem where I was unable to work again after dc as I have ASD and had developed some issues relating to that and my dh kept pushing and pushing and in the end I just couldn’t. I haven’t worked for 8 years now but once he realised I really couldn’t we had to look at other areas where we would juggle things to make finances work. I do think it’s worth checking that OP partner isn’t having some kind of MH issue to similar

You'd assume that I was a functioning capable adult too, if all you knew about me was my degree title and job title and you'd never seen me have a meltdown in Asda because they've moved the Free From and now I can't find it.

We don't have the full story about the DW here so we can't assume anything about how difficult she finds household tasks.

No we live in a major city. Just the youngest currently 'needs' picking up, as the primary school is a few streets away.

Ask her how she plans to support herself in her old age.
You have a pension, what has she got?
I wouldn't be financing someone else!

Of which there is no suggestion on the OP.

The poster is talking about the routine humdrum admin, without complicating factors, that many Pp are claiming need a SAHP to stay on top of. And which most of us (in non complicated circs) do.

But op hasn't mentioned once that his wife is autistic so I don't understand why your assuming she is

But the OP chose to have children and be a family man.

Of course we'd all be better off if we didn't have children - children are a huge drain on financial resources even if emotionally rewarding.

But with the exception of unplanned pregnancies, men choose alongside women to be parents. Most men either want kids or they don't - parenthood isn't usually inflicted unknowingly on men 🙄.

Presumably if the OP hadn't had kids with his wife, he'd have had them with someone else. So he'd always have been supporting his children financially and practically alongside his partner, albeit she might be supporting them financially too.

How is your relationship generally? Do you often find conversations about life cycle decisions are met with no compromise or is this particular to this situation? Does your wife understand that you have the feelings you have expressed here or would this be a surprise to her? If you have had a situation like this before where you both had very opposite views how did it get worked through?

I'm not assuming that she is: I'm saying that we don't know enough about her to categorically state that this stuff should be easy for her.

Yep, former educator and youth worker here and the teens who did best and had less issues usually had both parents working. Not saying the ones who had a SAHP were all deviants or anything, some of them did great too.

But my point is there wasn’t any clear benefit in terms of outcome for the ones with a SAHP when you looked at things like academic achievement, social communication and friendship skills , mental and emotional health etc

I’d say I witnessed the same in my own school days. Kids who had a SAHP in high school didn’t necessarily fare any better at school or in adult life.

Unfortunately for the OP, because they are married, she would have a claim on his.

Which will increase, the longer they stay together.

Which is fine, if you both jointly decide and agree that one party will fund the family for its lifetime.

But not fine if you have to it under duress.

Pension forecast looks like. I'll have maybe £200k pot and full state (if it still exists), DW will have no workplace pension and maybe 10-15 years of NI contributions (so far)

And yet OP is strangely reluctant to roll his sleeves up in a rebalancing of household responsibilities?

As someone down thread said, there is a dual refusal going on here. OP doesn't want to give up the free housekeeping and childcare service any more than his partner doesn't want to take on more work when she is carrying all of the house and children. There may be a compromise to be struck, but it is going to involve both people moving out of their comfort zones.

I'm pretty sure op would of mentioned if his wife was disabled as that is quite significant information and would completely change most people's replies

the teens who did best and had less issues usually had both parents working

Does your analysis take into consideration that a lot of SAHPs are staying at home because a child has "issues" like disability?

In other words, that you might have your cause and effect the wrong way around here?

I'm astonished by the people who say that life stuff only takes a few minutes. I work full time, and spend around 3 hours a day on domestic/admin/home maintenance/child stuff, plus extra for stuff like gardening, decorating and big projects.

You have very defined roles based on old fashioned sex stereotypes. You work full time and she manages the children and house admin. You would not have been able to achieve the career you have now without her support and she would not have been able to manage all of her tasks without your support.

Now you want to change that because it suits you.

A "slow build-up" might be useful to the OP too in taking over his share of the household responsibilities.

But then, why on earth should he be mollycoddled? He's had his wife around to deal with everything for years, now he just needs to step right up and do his share so she can concentrate on getting her career off the ground again.

People enter into marriage knowing it is a legal binding contract in which family assets are treated as pooled in the event of divorce.

That still leaves 21 hrs a day I think most people should be able to fit a job in there

1. You can find stuff hard without being disabled.
2. You can be disabled without realising it for many hidden disabilities. Life just seems a struggle and you can't figure out why.