Other half refuses to work...

[pocketpairs]

I would appreciate some genuine advice, so if just going to write "finish relationship", please don't comment.

Both mid 40s, married 18 yrs, 2 DCs. When we got together, DW was very career driven. I grew up in poor family, before we got married , I said in no uncertain terms that "I won't marry someone who won't work (in some form)"

After DC1, she dropped to part time. After DC2 to 1 day w/p, then we mutually agreed she'd stop work until DC was started primary school full time.

Last few years, I've broached the subject about her restarting work, but she's proposed counter-arguments (i.e. who's going to pick DC from school, etc).

Now DC2 is starting secondary school next year, tried to have a serious conversation, and she's said in no uncertain terms she "won't work". She feels we have enough enough to live a comfortable life.

I'm at my wits end, as we don't have enough, and certainly don't have enough for future. Mortgage paid off, I earn £56k (approx), some savings, & £80k pension pot (not much I know!). She has 3 years in DB pension.

So what next?!

You can pay this stuff (well, Mr. husband in this case) in "bulk", I believe, then you get the right for a pension.

@MaidOfAle

Why would a man wash and iron his own shirts when wifey will do it for him? Even better if she's mug enough to take a paying job on top of it: more money to spend on golf/cars/video games/etc and he has the time to enjoy them, at her expense

Quite. I completely understand why men use this line. But why are women parroting this rhetoric back on here?

”He has been able to become a corporate lawyer/investment banker/other exceptionally important person because I keep everything ticking over at home. I made that sacrifice for his career.”

Please. I did all of that as a single mum. Don’t kid yourself. He may make pots of money but he could have done that and looked after his kids and kept his house clean if he was a woman.

I can’t stomach listening to women who have internalised all this shit.

From experience of our friends, men who pressure their wives to go back to work once the kids are a certain age often find the wife “accidentally” gets pregnant again.

I don't have a tumble dryer but I'm also not stupid so I understand one lot of washing has to dry before I do another lot I don't need to spend hours a day scheduling it and saying it's life admin. I asked what is life admin and why do some people on here make out its a full time job and your reply was because you have to schedule the washing and write a shopping list. I might ring in work tomorrow and tell them I can't come in as I'm scheduling the washing

DC1 will be 17 (planning to stay at 6th form) and DC2 11, so was thinking they'd go together it's single bus journey. Plus, not advocating she works full time.

Good point.

OP should get a vasectomy, then book time with a financial advisor. And a solicitor, just so he knows where he stands.

Because the alternative for these women is to recognise that they have been shafted.

Sorting out and supporting the transition for an SEN child on an EHCP into year 7 is quite labour intensive.

My DH is AuDHD too and while he does his fair share, he has episodes of struggling to adult.

In my case I also have 100 teenagers to get through A-level. In an essay subject. A significant chunk of whom don't care for reading or writing.

I feel like I am other people's frontal lobe 95% of the time.

Not relevant to the OP though where they have clearly got a happy-go-lucky type married to a planner.

Maybe couple's counselling might help, OP? Or as lots of others have suggested, a financial planner.

I don’t have a tumble dryer, I have two kids and I work full time. I don’t find washing clothes as incredibly challenging as you seem to. Everyone has to wash clothes, it’s every day life.

I think this would be useful as an eye-opening point of discussion.

Tell her you’re giving up work too then and you’ll both be at home. She is totally selfish and unreasonable, but you know this.

OPs salary is clearly not high enough to support a family of four. He married a career driven woman (which I personally always think is attractive to most men). She took a break while kids were young, there is no reason why she cannot go back to work now. The double income would allow for after school activities, more money for travels etc. Who are all those posters who are trying to convince OP that maybe they don't need any luxuries?! Everyone is striving to have a better life and there is nothing wrong with it. Most modern families I know have two full time working parents and are totally functional, even with very young children. If the wife doesn't go back to work the OP would get more frustrated anyways, and that's a pathway to divorce

For some people, this kind of planning is hard. For others, it is easy.

I'm autistic, so for me it's very hard on top of my full-time job to manage what other people find easy.

The other thing to recognise - have you heard the saying "if you want something done ask a busy person?"

It sort of means - if people get used to having 5+hrs a day you do the housework and life admin, they think it takes that long

Whereas the single working mum knows it can all be done in half an hour a day and a couple of hours at the weekend

Standards may drop a little , but more getting on with things , less procrastination

It can be difficult for people who have not done much for years to step up the pace

And of course you don't do housework and admin for the last 17 years - ignore posters worrying about how little you pull your weight indoors now - what matters is how you share things going forward

And that requires a realistic estimate of how much time things should take - at the end of the day you should both work the same number of hours ( house plus paid) and get the same downtime

If she thinks running the house is a full time job however ...

For some people, this kind of planning is hard. For others, it is easy.

I'm autistic, so for me it's very hard on top of my full-time job to manage what other people find easy.

Last few years she been dismissive about returning to work, and she's had understandable reasons for not wanting to (i.e. school pick-up). But during covid, I suggested she start offering private tuition (as she's a qualified teacher), but she made up non existent arguments (house is too noisy, etc).

Now we're older (need less looking after), kids are getting more expensive, and were closer to retirement age with small pots, so think situation should change, but she's reluctant...as she thinks we're doing ok.

These threads for me never fail to illustrate the truth of the maxim that a task expands to fit the time available, with people desperately inventing tasks that "need" done and mean a mother of secondary aged children couldn't "possibly" work. Reorganising the children's seasonal wardrobe. Managing the laundry schedule. I won't forget the SAHM to school-aged children whose reasons she "'couldn't" work included 'the online shop arrives on Wednesday and needs put away'. I'm surprised no one has yet argued that the car "needs" a weekly detailing with a toothbrush.

Yes, there are reasons it can be difficult or impossible for a parent of secondary aged children to work, principally significant SEN or health problems in the DC. Absent that, most of you are either manufacturing totally unnecessary tasks or hugely inflating the time and importance of tasks that most working people knock out in a few minutes on evenings or weekends.

These threads for me never fail to illustrate the truth of the maxim that a task expands to fit the time available, with people desperately inventing tasks that "need" done and mean a mother of secondary aged children couldn't "possibly" work. Reorganising the children's seasonal wardrobe. Managing the laundry schedule. I won't forget the SAHM to school-aged children whose reasons she "'couldn't" work included 'the online shop arrives on Wednesday and needs put away'. I'm surprised no one has yet argued that the car "needs" a weekly detailing with a toothbrush.

Yes, there are reasons it can be difficult or impossible for a parent of secondary aged children to work, principally significant SEN or health problems in the DC. Absent that, most of you are either manufacturing totally unnecessary tasks or hugely inflating the time and importance of tasks that most working people knock out in a few minutes on evenings or weekends.

I can see in your circumstances that you have additional communication with the secondary but I’m sure you realise that for the vast majority of parents who are fortunate not to have sen children then secondary IS a lot easier than the primary years?

I'm not sure if I'm autistic, never bothered to get assessed, but I certainly find this shit bothersome and something that could be done in a totally different way and atmosphere if single.

If she really was career driven (OP says 3 years of DB pension contributions so if that was a teaching career, it was a short one!) worth exploring what changed.

So your circumstances are different as you work full time and are autistic. I was talking about what is it with sahm/sahhw talking about they can't work as they have to run a house and do all of life's admin and I'm confused about what life admin actually means and why some people apparently haven't got time to work because of it. You answered it included making a chore chart but then said you lived alone you then said writing a shopping list and then said you don't shop and just use huel products. You then said scheduling the washing which isn't a thing for NT adults which I assume op wife is

Yeah I’m inclined to agree with this. I don’t think she should have ever given up work completely. OP said he had an expectation of her working but agreeing to this for some many years has kind of blurred the lines for her.

She should’ve done evening tutoring a few hours a week or whatever or tried to find roles that are 10am-2pm in customer service or retail or admin etc . There’s not loads of them around but you do find them if you consistently look.

I think she’s got too comfortable with not working and maybe it seems too daunting now but moving forward she should be looking into part time school admin /customer service or online tutoring. There’s plenty of ESL courses you can take and they are always looking for online tutors who are native English speakers for kids in Asia etc.

My point is that different people find different things hard. I'm an example at the "hard" end of that scale.

That I found food shopping so hard that I gave up trying illustrates how hard I find it.

You can't assume that OP's DW finds this stuff easy just because you do.

You asked for examples of "life admin" so I picked some of the top of my head.

Yes, of course in terms of feeding and watering and transport. And those people are jolly lucky although there is a bit of taboo around admitting the stuff that goes wrong with teens.

The most at-risk group (after babies and toddlers) for safeguarding is 16-18 year olds.

There are a lot of horrible, upsetting, complicated issues landing on schools to sort out these days.

If your secondary DC can avoid all that then yay (genuinely).