Other half refuses to work...

[pocketpairs]

I would appreciate some genuine advice, so if just going to write "finish relationship", please don't comment.

Both mid 40s, married 18 yrs, 2 DCs. When we got together, DW was very career driven. I grew up in poor family, before we got married , I said in no uncertain terms that "I won't marry someone who won't work (in some form)"

After DC1, she dropped to part time. After DC2 to 1 day w/p, then we mutually agreed she'd stop work until DC was started primary school full time.

Last few years, I've broached the subject about her restarting work, but she's proposed counter-arguments (i.e. who's going to pick DC from school, etc).

Now DC2 is starting secondary school next year, tried to have a serious conversation, and she's said in no uncertain terms she "won't work". She feels we have enough enough to live a comfortable life.

I'm at my wits end, as we don't have enough, and certainly don't have enough for future. Mortgage paid off, I earn £56k (approx), some savings, & £80k pension pot (not much I know!). She has 3 years in DB pension.

So what next?!

Supermarket shifts.

Amazon delivery driving.

Dog walking.

I'm not approving, but I understand. Perfectly.
Minus the children to be ignored.

Did I say everything had to be split equally? If OP wants financial equality, they better be willing to step up and split everything else equally too. If they don't want to do that, as I suspect will be the case, then they shouldn't feel to put upon for needing to provide financially.

Many of us have been earning full time AND running our households, for two or three decades on end. Housework is not an excuse to opt out of the paid jobs marketplace.

There is surely no need for her work to be concentrated within school hours. Her kids are secondary school age and can do some homework while she gets on with her tuition work. They are not 2yos who are going to be smashing the place up if not supervised at all times.

Private tutors in the UK often fill in some of their morning and afternoon hours with pupils in other countries via online. We are in Asia Pacific and have had UK tutors for both our kids.

Plenty of parents manage because the majority are SAHMS with husbands working or are on benefits or have 1 parent who works nights

@MaidOfAle I'm sure the OP would have mentioned if they had a disabled child.

The rest of the stuff gets managed by working parents. We have both worked all the way though so my husband shares the mental load. It ideally needs to be shared from the start of the relationship and rhen it's easy to maintain.

No it doesn't, secondary school requires very little input in comparison to primary and in secondary they are capable of making their own way home if the school is within walking or a short bus distance.
The family admin is done the same as every other household that have working parents.

It's not that they can't, it's that they don't want to.

Why would a man wash and iron his own shirts when wifey will do it for him? Even better if she's mug enough to take a paying job on top of it: more money to spend on golf/cars/video games/etc and he has the time to enjoy them, at her expense.

I don't think that. I've never been out of work except a year doing an MA, a year doing a fellowship (both funded) and 9 months mat leave.

But some women (and men) genuinely do have responsibilities that are barriers to work. I am lucky: I had time, money and education to throw at the SEN challenges.

We don't know enough in this case to say who's unreasonable.

The ONS is clear that women do an average of more than double the housework than men do. You are an outlier, you are not typical of most couples.

What did she say when you outlined to her why you think you won't have enough money on just your salary? Did you explain the areas that were concerning you, like the pensions, funding university etc?

You've made that sound so dramatic. Obviously if op had a disabled child who his wife was a full time carer for all our answers would be different. A chore rota is done once and it's done so that's about 5/10 minutes over a life time. What do you mean scheduling the washing, just do the washing. Compiling the shopping list surely you can just have a piece of paper on the fridge that everyone adds to and the basics are the same every week.

Congratulations.

People always come on these threads to claim their household division of labour is statistically improbable for the UK. And that of all their friends.

Either it's a Mumsnet thing or some people are kidding themselves.

Two kids. How’s that for context ? Uni possibly, living at home for longer and a myriad of other possibilities. The expensive years are still to come.

"Secondary school requires very little input compared to primary."

OMG. I want that life.

@pocketpairs you sound quite contemptuous (and jealous) of her actually.

You acknowledge that it would be a problem to deal with pick ups and sick days but you've clearly not bothered to give it any thought - if she's a full tie teacher then actually it ought to be your problem to solve not hers - but you've just dismissed her when she's raised the issue.

You then describe her days as "pottering around and volunteering" but as you haven't replied to a single poster asking if you do anything at home I think its pretty clear that you do very little. SO her "pottering around" is doing the cleaning the laundry the cooking etc

Might be worth costing out what it would cost you if she turned around and said she'd go back full time if you paid for wrap around, a cleaner and a laundry service as its pretty clear you want her to continue to do everything at home and carry the mental load while you carry on as normal.

What do you need to do for secondary that’s so labour intensive? Genuine question

I suspect that some of the responses would have been very different had this been DW posting that DH wouldn’t work. There was a very similar thread a little while ago about a SAHF who was making excuses for not returning to work after the kids had started secondary school. The OP was advised by nearly every poster that he was taking the piss and should get his lazy arse back to work.

Someone doesn't really need to be collecting the kids - year 6 can take themselves to and from home quite easily and it is better for them if they learn independence and self reliance

There could be lots of things going on

She scared she hasn't got what it takes to work
She's scared that she will end up with 2 full time jobs - all the housework and family work
She's very bad at finance and doesn't see a problem
She's sad that the children are growing and doesn't want that part of her life to end

You can see the risks - what if you get ill, or made redundant, what if she has no pension, what happens as the kids reach the expensive years , and the stress of being sole earner is great

At the end of the day, all you can do is talk. Talk about how you feel. Listen to her .

But if it comes to it - splitting now is better than when you are older

This man's wife isn't a cocklodger.
I think it's "fannylodger", which sounds really odd.
As for the lady you knew, she had her head screwed on properly, if that's how the saying goes.
😁

She's certainly not lazy, but she's not particularly financially literate. She's also relatively carefree, and thinks about present, rather than the future.

So I've created a budget (highlighting fixed and variable costs), shown projected saving and pension pot(s), and she like "well be ok, and if we're not I'll go back to work later in life" - not appreciating that may be more challenging.

I don't think she's scared of the workplace (she volunteers supporting), but probably needs to get up to speed with changes in curriculum.

If I "just do the washing", I end up with more wet clothes, towels, and bed linen than I can dry, then the wet laundry develops a funny smell whilst it sits wet waiting for airer space. I have to make sure that each load going into the machine has somewhere to be dried before I start the machine. Add to that that I need certain items to be dry in a given timeframe (e.g. workwear in time for Monday), and I genuinely do have to plan when I wash things.

Tell me that you have the space and money for a tumble dryer without telling me that you have the space and money for a tumble dryer.

I live alone, no kids, and I still struggle with food shopping. Stuff going out of date, planning for a week, I just can't manage it, have given up, and mostly eat Huel.

Play her at her own workshy game.

Tell her you're tired, you don't think you can go on working and you're thinking of handing your notice in. Go through entitled to and find out how much UC you'll be entitled to as a household. Obviously will be a significant drop so start mentioning all the services/extras/holidays or whatever that will need to be cut right back.

When she objects ask her why if it's fine for her it's not for you.