Other half refuses to work...

[pocketpairs]

I would appreciate some genuine advice, so if just going to write "finish relationship", please don't comment.

Both mid 40s, married 18 yrs, 2 DCs. When we got together, DW was very career driven. I grew up in poor family, before we got married , I said in no uncertain terms that "I won't marry someone who won't work (in some form)"

After DC1, she dropped to part time. After DC2 to 1 day w/p, then we mutually agreed she'd stop work until DC was started primary school full time.

Last few years, I've broached the subject about her restarting work, but she's proposed counter-arguments (i.e. who's going to pick DC from school, etc).

Now DC2 is starting secondary school next year, tried to have a serious conversation, and she's said in no uncertain terms she "won't work". She feels we have enough enough to live a comfortable life.

I'm at my wits end, as we don't have enough, and certainly don't have enough for future. Mortgage paid off, I earn £56k (approx), some savings, & £80k pension pot (not much I know!). She has 3 years in DB pension.

So what next?!

That was a response to "what are you actually doing"?

My SIL was running a food bank, a holiday club, after school care, looking after elderly parents and hosting Ukrainian refugees.

Absolute life of Riley.

@pocketpairs I would find this situation frustrating as well and find my OH deeply unattractive.

It would be good to know where her reticence comes from. Is it because she's worried about going back to work? What job could she do? Does she have the skillset required? Or is she bone idle?.......

All these scenarios require slightly different tackling but I guarantee that there will be brilliant women on here who have been through this and can offer sage advice.

First of all I would be absolutely transparent on finances / pension etc. she needs to know how bad it is, particularly for her.

Eh? The kids are teenagers they don’t need someone to drop them off and pick them up 😂 your partners arguments are bullshit and anyone supporting them in this thread is talking it too

Well she's not going back to work, and you don't want people to advise you to end the relationship. You also don't want to offer to pick up more of the household and childcare, so your only option is to adjust your expectations of retirement and crack on exactly as you are.

OP has not expressed any dissatisfaction with how their wife cares for the house or the children, and so it's not a cocklodger situation at all. Cocklodgers are letting the house be a pit and ignoring the children to play on their consoles. A man who was acting like most SAHMs would not be called a cocklodger.

There is no reason at all whilst she can’t work part-time during school hours at a bare minimum. I was in a situation where my husband refused to work as there was too much to do around the house, he’s no longer my husband….

I often wonder the same thing. Also how do households with both parents working manage it?

And with the improvements through online access.

I no longer go to the bank, shop for and post cards, go to the post office to post parcels or tax the car, organise payment for school dinners, go to the supermarket...

Life admin is so quick these days ( or can be if you choose for it to be).

People are quite hard of reading. The younger child has just gone into year 6 so is 10/11.

@HVPRN

OP, you would not have got ahead and had a chilled work life if the children and home life were not taken care of through your wife's work. Have some respect for her career sacrifice so you can get ahead.

This argument that people need a “facilitator” to support their careers is such a load of shit.

I have a very successful career which I built as a single parent with no domestic help and no childcare other than that which I paid for.

Women are quite capable of succeeding in work without someone at home. Why on God’s green earth can’t men, with all their advantages, do it?

Good call. As I say, I haven't rtft and am just passing through momentarily whilst I take a break from cleaning out my baking cupboards. Serves me right for buying a Christmas Pudding in Aldi this morning. I needed to make room in the cupboard for it and the job got bigger and bigger... 😂

It just makes little financial sense for me to work extra with a marginal tax rate of 48%, when she can earn £12.5k tax free, and built up NI contributions.

except that your marginal earning rate is almost certainly more than twice hers…

It's easy to think a house and children run themselves when you've never had to do it!

This kind of stuff does not always have to be split “equally.” If one spouse works full time and is the main breadwinner and the other works fewer hours, it is fine for that spouse to do more of the domestic work.

Why do people keep talking about picking up kids from school? They are adolescents. If a rural location requires parents to be dragging teenagers around everywhere, move!

I’m sympathetic to the fact that teaching is a hard job, but she could do supply or tutoring, or even become a TA.

I really wouldn't. She's been bringing up the kids and running the house not freeloading ffs.

Secondary school children do not need picked up from school. No one has the right to remain a sahp, whilst riding on the coattails of someone else’s income. Staying at home should always be by mutual agreement, which op and his wife did have, but has long since ended. Is your wife expecting you subsidise her for the next 40 years? How ridiculous. Time for a serious talk.

Running a normal average house when kids are teenagers is not 0 work but it is also not remotely a full time job. I know only a couple of women who are SAHMs with teenagers, and I live in a country where SAHMhood was very common until recently!

Your wife is being a CF

It will be challenging for her to go back to work after years of being at home but needs must and people for. However, ahe just doesn't want to

The decision about whether you have a high enough income with just you earning needs to be a joint decision, not hers unilaterally. The decision about who works is also a joint decision.
Can you talk about how you would take a greater share of domestic tasks if she returns to work. Do you think she fears that everything will still fall to her? Can you take full responsibility for an aspect of home life to demonstrate you can eg my DP did everything related to scouts/ guides.
People who don't work [outside the home] are not likely to understand the pressure of contemporary work. My job has become more and more demanding in the past 2 decades, I earn a bit above average in a professional role and I have worked full time since my kids started school. My DP has always worked full time. I would find the responsibility of being the only breadwinner intolerable.
I'm astonished that people here think a man who doesn't want to "keep" his wife and wants a more equal partnership is financially abusing her.
If she is reluctant to go back into teaching, which probably feels really daunting, there are loads of social care jobs about, that could offer flexibility.
I hope you both sort it out. There is no doubt that if you were a woman the responses would be completely different.

I totally agree. The "SAH women facilitating man's career" bollocks mythology needs to stop.

I never had a stay home spouse & my career has done just fine. For many people, the burden of being the sole provider & earner holds them back, as they cannot afford to take any career risks or changes.

Also consider that without supporting three dependents for all these years, he'd be well ahead financially. SAHP are exceedingly costly to the breadwinner.

Basically the household doesn’t earn enough, and never did, to support two children. I honestly have no idea why people have more than they can afford to cover the costs of. Did no one ever tell you to cut your coat according to your cloth. You don’t even have enough to ensure the children will go university, what a bizarre and tenuous approach to managing a home. That is aimed at both of you. Personally, I think 56k isn’t a high salary and certainly not one that looks after a family of 4 adequately. Why doesn’t OP look for better paid job to support his family? Sounds like both parents need to raise income, makes sense that the one who remained in work could expect to find more senior and better paid work.

There really aren't very many part-time school hours term time jobs around, and when they are available, everyone wants them. I don't know much about online tutoring, but presumably that takes place mostly outside of school hours, because otherwise the tutees would be in school. Although I suppose there are home educating people, and kids who can't go to school for health reasons etc. But imagine that it takes a while to build up that sort of client base, and you'd be competing against people with much more recent experience.

So your answer was to do what she has always done and get a job to fit around school hours.

Where are these jobs that women can walk into that are 4 hours per day between the hours of 10am-2pm

Men certainly can succeed solo!

However, there are, in my experience, a lot of men who want the trappings of family life without doing the work.

OP might be one. He might not.

Who can say?

But it’s just part of life. We all “run our homes” regardless of what our work status is and it’s not the massive commitment that so many posters are making it out to be.

its blowing my mind that posters don’t think a woman can go out to work without the walls collapsing around her.

Depends on your kids and your life.

As a PP said, doing battle with authorities on behalf of a disabled child takes hundreds of hours.

There's also the mental load of organising a home, things like organising the chore rota for the kids, scheduling the washing so that you don't end up with wet clothes that you have no airer space for, and compiling the shopping list. If you have a dryer, one of those tasks disappears for you, but it's still there for others. And men almost always leave the mental load to women.