Other half refuses to work...

[pocketpairs]

I would appreciate some genuine advice, so if just going to write "finish relationship", please don't comment.

Both mid 40s, married 18 yrs, 2 DCs. When we got together, DW was very career driven. I grew up in poor family, before we got married , I said in no uncertain terms that "I won't marry someone who won't work (in some form)"

After DC1, she dropped to part time. After DC2 to 1 day w/p, then we mutually agreed she'd stop work until DC was started primary school full time.

Last few years, I've broached the subject about her restarting work, but she's proposed counter-arguments (i.e. who's going to pick DC from school, etc).

Now DC2 is starting secondary school next year, tried to have a serious conversation, and she's said in no uncertain terms she "won't work". She feels we have enough enough to live a comfortable life.

I'm at my wits end, as we don't have enough, and certainly don't have enough for future. Mortgage paid off, I earn £56k (approx), some savings, & £80k pension pot (not much I know!). She has 3 years in DB pension.

So what next?!

So the kids will both be at secondary school, she’s a qualified teacher, and unless you live in a stately home the day to day demands of running a household are not that onerous and can easily be shared. Excluding SEN, caring responsibilities, disability, a bit of a sore knee on Tuesdays, waiting in for the plumber once every 3 years etc. etc. is there any reason she can’t go back to work bar laziness/wanting to be kept? Has she suggested working while you go part time or become a house husband? Or you both working part time to get a bit more free time together? Or does she just expect you to keep her? That’s really unattractive unless you have both enthusiastically agreed to that set up. You really don’t have much of a pension and you are headed for quite an impoverished retirement if you can’t increase your pension pot rapidly.

It doesn't, but it does mean that a sleep-deprived mother is struggling to work, often meaning on her feet all day or undertaking demanding responsibilities, then having to cope with stressful evenings and no possibility of the downtime necessary for mental and physical health.

She has teenagers, not toddlers!
Plus her youngest has been in school for 7 years, longer if you count preschool, she can hardly complain about a lack of me time.

We did the same @HotSource although actually DH worked 4 days and continued to be paid FT while I was paid for 4 and had to work FT...

Structural sexism aside, it is definitely easier to start as you mean to go on with these things. Change is painful! People get accustomed.

OP, I'm sure it's not the case or you would have said, but neither of these kids have SEN do they?

As that is a poorly understood additional burden.

So you want your "OH" to find additional work outside the home but you haven't even thought about what you are going to pick up to make that possible.

Recently you were claiming that "good maths tutors" are available for £20 per hour so how is 3-4 hours going to generate > £100 income net of costs?

The reality is that when one person takes on all the home based work the whole family has an easier and less stressed lifestyle and the WOHP can pursue their career without distractions.

IME when the WOHP in this situation decides its time for "the OH" (nearly always the woman) to go back to work "part time" what they actually mean is they want more income but don't want to pick up more work at home and expect the SAHP to continue in addition to working. Have you maximised your career potential whilst you had the advantage of a SAHM or have you cruised to a mid management level and not really used that opportunity?

So are you going to answer the question - what will you pick up around the home and take ownership for? Or are you just looking for a woman centred forum to agree with you and call the OH lazy for being a SAHM?

Perhaps this is down to the number of women who are clearly happy (from ghe comments on MN) to be SAHMs - if they're at home, why would their partner be expected to do 50:50 in terms of other responsibilities. In my friendship group the women all work and so the men do 50:50.

Not with 2 teenagers and one spouse ineligible for a state pension.

The rest of us don't get a "slow build-up" to supporting ourselves, and we have to sort our self esteem issues while earning our living. Why on earth should she be molly-coddled; she's had 18 years to think, plan and prepare.

With four people out all day, housework is a couple of hours on Saturday or Sunday morning, not a full time job. Millions of us manage this.

Utter rubbish. Support in a relationship is a 2 way street.

She should be on track getting her pension if she has received child benefit all this time.
Shell have to start work if she wants to continue building her years though.

Not for a family of 4 including 2 teenagers. If the kids want to go to university they’re going to struggle to support them, even if they do get almost the full loan. There’s very little in the pension pot and she’s ineligible for a state pension. Their retirement plan looks miserable.

Titally tight.

A two ways street which means the Op should also carry his half of the mental load/cleaning/parenting/taking days off fir a sick child etc….

Shes being unreasonable if she is not willing to do any work outside the home with two teenagers. However if she does go back to work are you then going to split chores etc 50/50? Is she currently doing everything at home or do you help when you get home from work? Maybe she feels that she will be run ragged working and being responsible for everything else, sit her down and make a plan of how yous are going to split your home responsibilities fairly.

I do all of this as a single mum AND manage to work full time. I'm not diminishing the role of SAHM but people are acting like this woman is slaving away doing housework and child rearing when they are at school all day and it does not take 6 hours to clean a house (unless it's a mansion).

Sorry OP but you've married the female equivalent of a cocklodger.

Kids will soon be old enough to make their own way back from school - I was expected to get myself on the bus when I started secondary.

She could at least get a part time job, and lots of employers offer flexible working to fit around school times these days. She she's just a lazy bitch who is taking advantage of you.

I know you said that you don't want to end the relationship, but I think you really need to ask yourself why you want to stay with someone like this.

Oh wait I just saw the mortgage paid off but. We deffo not in the same situation 😅

With respect, women are the ones doing 80% of the buying.
Because they are the ones who do the shopping, buy children clothes, organise holidays etc etc..l

If someone manages to save any money, it’s her. Not you.

You earn that (by all account good) wage. But she us the one managing the money so you have savings.

What is it with mumsnet and life's admin this takes up barely any of my time maybe 5/10 minutes a week and some people on here make out like it's a full time job what are you all actually doing

You wouldn't be saying that if it was the husband refusing to work, you would be calling him a cocklodger and she should divorce, nothing to do with family unit.

Well in my case taking my LA to tribunal repeatedly to get a suitable education for my daughter. Hundreds of hours of work on top of my teaching job.

Lucky you!

A cocklodger doesn’t clean, cook meal or parent his dcs.
The OP wife is a SAHP.
Something that was pretty normal 20 years ago when they had their first (and subsequent) child(ren).

The OP benefitted from that arrangement.

And it’s telling he hasn’t made any comment re division of Labour in the house.
Instead he wants her to wfh (read it won’t be disturbing normal division of Labour) fir ‘just a few hours’ (missing the fa t online totirs are like teachers, they are putting more hours of work than those doing the face to face work. Also called preparing the lessons).

No. They'd both be screwed in the event of divorce. Pension pots are treated as family assets and divided between both partners accordingly.

Women, and mothers in particular, do a lot more housework and childcare than men.

I suspect that she doesn't want to do two jobs whilst you do one.

Tell her if you think the family has enough money, then you will reduce to part time working hours. If she then discovers there isn’t enough money, she can get a part time job and you can both deal with the “life admin” equally. I can’t stand selfish people like your W.

Not if that man was a SAHP doing all the work a SAHM does.
aka cleaning, cooking, parenting, mental load etc etc….

It’s really easy not to be money motivated when someone else has to make the money.