Other half refuses to work...

[pocketpairs]

I would appreciate some genuine advice, so if just going to write "finish relationship", please don't comment.

Both mid 40s, married 18 yrs, 2 DCs. When we got together, DW was very career driven. I grew up in poor family, before we got married , I said in no uncertain terms that "I won't marry someone who won't work (in some form)"

After DC1, she dropped to part time. After DC2 to 1 day w/p, then we mutually agreed she'd stop work until DC was started primary school full time.

Last few years, I've broached the subject about her restarting work, but she's proposed counter-arguments (i.e. who's going to pick DC from school, etc).

Now DC2 is starting secondary school next year, tried to have a serious conversation, and she's said in no uncertain terms she "won't work". She feels we have enough enough to live a comfortable life.

I'm at my wits end, as we don't have enough, and certainly don't have enough for future. Mortgage paid off, I earn £56k (approx), some savings, & £80k pension pot (not much I know!). She has 3 years in DB pension.

So what next?!

Right? Mine also have afterschool activities, they wouldn't even know if I was at home during the day or working. Very much disagree that it's "sooooo worth it", when DC can't afford to go to uni or need to miss out on class trips or other activities they want to do. And that's what OP is concerned about, he's not pushing her to work so he can buy a new set of golf clubs or something.

OP I agree it is unfair for you to bear the full financial responsibility for the family.
I suggest you arrange a meeting with a financial adviser and do a full cash flow analysis and ask them to produce a retirement forecast.
Your wife may well change her mind when she understands the financial implications for your retirement.

I agree, it is quite a dilemma.

OP, presumably both your children, now at secondary school, can get home without you or your wife picking them up, if their school is within either walking distance or one bus ride away. Most do that, there are usually other kids with them on their journey.

In principle I'm in agreement with you and think going out to work is great for a wife and mother, financially and for self-esteem, however I enjoyed working. I do understand some people, of either sex, have great problems around the subject. I know a man, in his thirties, married with a child, who is seriously stressed nearly all the time and he is self employed, works from home! He left his job in the City a couple of years ago because of pressure in order to be self-employed which he prefers but it is still far from easy. His wife has a job.

It is possible your wife has lost confidence for work after staying at home so long (albeit working one day from home for a while), and may not want to acknowledge it. Please be gentle with her. We can't help how we feel and any of us could be like that.

If both are working, and happy, a regular cleaner is affordable which takes pressure off both. That was just a thought.

Good luck whatever happens.

Suggest that she starts off doing some volunteering and some computer courses to get some confidence.

Your wife could then look for a part time job (say 3 days a week) which leave more than enough time for the housework.

My friend did this after 15 yrs out and she has an office job earning £14k, so it's do-able.

Very risky to rely on one income.

What are the barriers to her working? I wonder if she feels anxious about returning to work.

We don't know the situation re SEN or a rural area etc. I agree that children should be capable of getting themselves to and from school, but the OP didn't say that they could, he said they will be able to once the youngest is in secondary school.

Has she thought about working for an adult learning department? Many contracts are sessional or smaller contracts of say 0.2 or 0.4.
When my kids were little (primary) I was teaching 3 days a weeks, it was hard, but I still managed to get all the housework done at a leisurely pace on my days off. Now as they are at secondary I work full time (no longer teaching) but we pay for a cleaner once a week and we get a gousto box. I would like to work less, but I need to up my pension. If anything happens to my hubby, I'll be skint!

I think in the early years, it’s fair enough for a mum not to work if she chooses as it’s blimin hard work.

However, in my opinion she’s taking the piss, your DC are way beyond that age and if it was the other way round and you were refusing to work the MN masses would be screaming financial abuse.

I honestly don’t know why some men stay with such precious princesses. I know of one lady who never worked the entire time and now her kids have flown the nest, she’s travelling around the world for a year!

What is the female equivalent of a cocklodger?

Is there anything she could do part time remotely? So for example even a couple of hours' work a day online/on a phone? Or would she do something with social and other benefits such as not Tupperware parties, but having those parties and selling beauty or cookware products, getting a cut, etc? Maybe there's something she'd like that would also help. And maybe once she starts getting paid she'll be motivated by that too.

I think you have to try to work with her. Flexible part time work around school duties. I do agree that someone needs to do the washing etc and make good food and make the kids feel good when they go to school, when they are picked up, and to have the energy to support them with various activities, homework, etc. That is a great and important job. But she could fit in something part time as well. You just have to find what might actually appeal to her.

I know that's molly-coddling her. But you are in a life partnership so you have to work with this.

And remember at 45 she is going to be in perimenopause and everything goes weird, she will lose focus and motivation, she will be emotional, etc etc. which is not her fault.

You're right - that income is ok, but it certainly won't carry the family through to your children's independence and it will leave the pair of you struggling in retirement (for reference my DH and are both in a similar position to you , both working, so we have double what you have as a family and we still feel very financially anxious about the future).

I think you need to do two things:
1 Insist that you visit a financial advisor together to discuss pension preparation

1. Insist on couples counselling to discuss your differences around financial security and how it's playing out in your relationship (this will also give her time to discuss the load she's carrying which I suspect will be larger than your realise - and you must be willing to share it fully if she goes back to work, not just pay lip service to it)

I suspect that her perspective will shift with these interventions. But if it doesn't, I think leaving the relationship is wholly justifiable. I would lose all respect for someone unwilling to accept the financial facts and play their part towards the cost of family life.

You seriously expected some helpful advice from a man hating forum,lol, she sounds like a female version of a cocklodger, simple solution don't give her any money, pay or the bills yourself, she won't have a choice but to get of her arse and get a job, or your kids sound old enough.not to need mum home all day.

The Office for National Statistics suggests otherwise!

She’s taking the piss. Your children are old enough to be pretty self reliant and I agree even if she was earning minimum wage in a part time role it would be tax efficient and help family finances. I think she was taking the piss a bit even at primary level tbh. The house doesn’t need 30 hours a week of cleaning/life admin so people saying she’s busy are just a bit deluded. She needs to be conscious about her own pension provision. If you die, what does she have? 3 years of a DB scheme and a partial NI record isn’t going to sustain her.

But there is plenty you can do with a teaching qualification, e.g tuition, adult education, SEN support, pre-school work, teacher training, school inspectors etc - and possibly using it as a spring-off for a further qualification, e.g. educational psychology for which there is a crying need. Or tangential work, e.g. my ex-history teacher friends who went into archive work and work in museums and stately homes.

There are 2 aspects, the practical / financial aspect and the emotional.

In your shoes I would feel very put upon. It really is not fair for her to look to you to fully support her financially for the next 50 years. And in her shoes I would not want to put that kind of obligation on to my partner.

Prepare all the practical/ financial info so that it is very clear, with a cash flow that lasts 10 years beyond state retirement age (and if she intends to relax while you have to work til 68 she really is deeply selfish), prepare a list of domestic responsibilities to be shared once she is working, etc etc.

Then, I would suggest couples counselling as a safer space to discuss the emotional aspects.

She would be screwed if you divorced her.

Haven't RTFT, but does she know she is unlikely to have paid enough in National Insurance contributions to qualify for a state pension?

While I quite enjoyed this comment... he's only on £56k, I doubt she's living much of a life tbh

This is why I think going to a financial advisor together should be the first point of call... so she can see that her DH's concerns are not about her as a partner but about the "us", the family's ability to be secure and support themselves and their children

YANBU it’s a partnership she’s refusing to financially contribute leaving sole burden to you,
Now in real life you’d get a realistic response basically she need to get a job stop being a lazy arse
on mn you’ll get a list of tasks that everyone else manages whilst working as an excuse why she can’t work
So you have to basically explain verbally & in writing (show her the expenditure in writing too) that she has to work.inc Weekend if she claims weekday doesn’t work

Running a house is just an excuse to not work- unless you live in a stately pile (you don’t) it doesn’t need an adult running the house

options
try reasoned appeals to get her to agree
look into what courses or training she can undertake to get a job

Some of these posts make me wonder how on earth I managed a career / f/t job. So much drama about domestic admin.

Actually we both reduced our contracts to 4 days a week during the expensive pre primary school childcare years , and hired a cleaner for 3 hours a week during the primary years. Sorted.

You would have to do a LOT of tutoring (and be entrepreneurial and good at chasing bad debts) to replace even a very modest 1-2 day a week employed teaching role. Which would take 2-4 days because of planning, marking and meetings.

Plus the demand for tutoring is at anti social times that absolutely don't "fit round family life".

My DSis discovered this the hard way...

Invigilation leading to some supply or cover supervision (once DW has identified some tolerable schools) would work better financially.

You both need to get pension estimates for your private and dwp pensions, date you can draw this and sit down and discuss how you will enjoy your retirement on a pittance. You need to chat through why she refuses to work and try and work on a plan to sort any issues.

I would actually think you will be very poor in your retirement, for me this would be misery.

Why would a parent of secondary age children be sleep deprived?
Why should one parent work a full time job while the other does a bit of volunteering around keeping house? When does the employed one get downtime if evenings with teens are so stressful? (They aren't around here!). What you are implying is that the non-paid parent is getting downtime while the kids are out of the house, at school.

Jesus. She's his wife, the mother of his children they're a family unit, all income is household income, she doesn't deserve to be treated as an inconvenience just because she doesn't work outside the home!

56k with no mortgage is plenty to live on!!!!!!!