Other half refuses to work...

[pocketpairs]

I would appreciate some genuine advice, so if just going to write "finish relationship", please don't comment.

Both mid 40s, married 18 yrs, 2 DCs. When we got together, DW was very career driven. I grew up in poor family, before we got married , I said in no uncertain terms that "I won't marry someone who won't work (in some form)"

After DC1, she dropped to part time. After DC2 to 1 day w/p, then we mutually agreed she'd stop work until DC was started primary school full time.

Last few years, I've broached the subject about her restarting work, but she's proposed counter-arguments (i.e. who's going to pick DC from school, etc).

Now DC2 is starting secondary school next year, tried to have a serious conversation, and she's said in no uncertain terms she "won't work". She feels we have enough enough to live a comfortable life.

I'm at my wits end, as we don't have enough, and certainly don't have enough for future. Mortgage paid off, I earn £56k (approx), some savings, & £80k pension pot (not much I know!). She has 3 years in DB pension.

So what next?!

I have a friend who works themselves to death and brings home all the money. The wife in this case stays home and 'makes craft animals'. My advice was tell said person to contribute by getting a proper job with a salary, or take a hike. But the person won't be directive, as they fear the wife will leave as they seem quite insecure. To me and my husband this is just inconceivable - in our house me and him both work hard and although he earns a bit more than me we share 5050. We both contribute. I know from what his mates say to me that his ex wife was a lazy piece of * who expected him to provide everything for her and that she didn't work.... that marriage didn't survive as it's not equal is it.... 😂

Yeah, cocklodgers don't run households, plan food, shop, cook, clean, do the household laundry, plan household activity and social life, organise household maintenance, manage household budget, take care of children, including health appointments, after school activities, the interface with school, and the interface with children's friends/social events. That's before we get started on elderly relatives. Not many households divide that down the middle.

The only man I am aware of who does all of that is Kevin from Motherland. But perhaps there are others?

It doesn't, but it does mean that a sleep-deprived mother is struggling to work, often meaning on her feet all day or undertaking demanding responsibilities, then having to cope with stressful evenings and no possibility of the downtime necessary for mental and physical health.

Come on! Millions f mothers work, and are not stumbling around sleep deprived.

These kids are older, not toddlers.

If OP's wife were a man he'd be called a cocklodger here.

It's not unreasonable for an adult to support herself and her offspring. "Life admin" doesn't cut it once he kids are in school. A crisis of confidence is up to the adult to sort out. We all deal with that, it's not a condition exclusive to the SAHP.

Take wife to a joint financial adviser meeting. Explain the maths in simple terms. Explain that she has to go to work?

Sending you some good vibes. What a difficult situation.

In 2024, with both children in secondary school...the eldest is 17...why should one partner be expected to look for extra work to support the other partner not wanting to work at all???

plenty of jobs out there....

Hey op, wanted to add a point because i didn’t see it in the replies, though I didn’t read them all.
A colleague of mine was in this situation with dw that refused to work after they had a kid. He was much like you, no privilege, worked very hard and clawed up to middle management, ended up not thinking much of people who didn’t do the same. Things came to a head when dd was 5 and in school and dw still refused to earn money. They divorced and she got majorly custody and getting child support. She got 50% of the house and he bought her share, money which she then used to buy herself a house in another city. Now, he’s driving 2 hours to pick up and drop off the dad every weekend, pays child support and is back paying mortgage again for his house.
Please be aware how things might go down once you exhausted venues like talking to her and forcing the issue beyond that point. By all means you should talk this out and you should pick up much more than 50% of the pick up and drop offs, pay a cleaner and you do the shopping and cooking along with the laundry. offer to do this for a year until she is comfortable at work and can pick tasks back up to 50%. her response will tell you what you’re actually facing here. If she still refuses to work, proceed with caution and remember she may at this point file for divorce.
feel free to pm me if you want more tea

There are plenty! My husband and almost all the men in our friendship group do 50:50!!!!

can i also point out that unless she pays her NICs she's not going to get a state pension? you need 35 years of national insurance to get it.

Why do you presume someone needs to take the children to and from school if both are in secondary?

OP this sounds very unfair. I appreciate that looking after kids and managing a home is full time 'work' but now the kids are secondary age then there is a massive difference. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who didn't pull their weight either financially or in a way that helps the family unit as a whole.
She's taking the p**s to be honest!! I would love to not work. To potter at home cleaning, cooking, walking the dog, going the gym. Dealing with admin. Reality is I manage all that whilst working full time (I'm also the main earner) do asking her to work part time is very reasonable

I took two years off work when I had young children and only in that short time I really lost my confidence about work. I felt completely panicked about it all and thought I wouldn’t be able to get anything. I was terrified of rejection. Once I was back in it I was fine though. I would suggest a slow build up such as starting with some volunteering and then moving to part time and then to more hours. This probably stems from low self esteem, so make sure you appreciate what she does for everyone at home and she might feel more confident about work.

My mum was like this. She never worked. She didn't do any of the admin either, my dad had to do all that as well as work full time. Back then there weren't really any after school clubs or anything like that and if I was invited to a party or something it was always my dad who took me as she couldn't drive. We lived close to my school so I walked to and from there on my own from age 8.

She spent her day cleaning, shopping, watching daytime tv and ignoring her children. I never understood it.

You are becoming incompatible through this work issue. Whilst the ultimate has to be splitting up, this is obviously going to cost you heavily as the earner.
If there is a genuine reason for her not working that is different from choosing not to. With a teaching qualification, there are plenty of PT options available that will bring in an income whilst enabling her to be around for the children/household/life admin.
The only option is to make life 'uncomfortable' not to the extent of financial abuse but withdrawal of any luxuries, holidays etc. Have a much tighter household budget to allow longer term financial security.

why do two teenagers need picking and dropping to school at all?

Id offer her choices:

• sorry DW but we are going to need to downsize the house. If you aren't working we'll need to free up some capital for pensions.
• sorry DW but I'm going to have to cut our household spending to save a pension for you, if you aren't going to work at all you haven't enough put by.

Exactly, particularly as the eldest is nearly 17!

Another no comment from me.

They're not both at secondary, one is at primary.

Seriously, how much housework is needed in a house where all the family members are out most of the day, as would presumably be the case if OP's wife worked? OP can presumably chip in on housework, as can the children.

It is, to be honest, nonsense to say that children, particularly teenagers, love having a SAHP. They're becoming independent and doing their own thing. It may be a convenient to them to have a free taxi driver/chef/cleaner/laundrymaid, but it does nothing for their independence skills.

I'd be insisting on marriage counseling.

She sounds lazy and selfish- both unattractive traits

True, my mistake. But second DC is in Year 6 and could probably get to and from school by herself also. Plus there are before and after school clubs.

yes thats great, but her partner has said he can't afford for her stay at home s they need to split the home duties and she needs to work part time.

No one is diminishing the role but of you partner didn't agree to fund the permanent SAHM lifestyle AND is feeling the pressure of all the financial responsibilities how can you just flat out refuse to earn any money.

I think OP was mad to agree to anything less than part time anyway on £56k.

You only need 10 years of NICs to get "something". From that point on it's pro rata, so with 10 years you get 2/7 of the full pension, up to 100% with 35 years (with some wrinkles). See www.gov.uk/new-state-pension.

Suggest maybe you could work part time? Join her on the couch for This Morning and the bonus being there will be no money for her gym and Costa membership...mmm?