Other half refuses to work...

[pocketpairs]

I would appreciate some genuine advice, so if just going to write "finish relationship", please don't comment.

Both mid 40s, married 18 yrs, 2 DCs. When we got together, DW was very career driven. I grew up in poor family, before we got married , I said in no uncertain terms that "I won't marry someone who won't work (in some form)"

After DC1, she dropped to part time. After DC2 to 1 day w/p, then we mutually agreed she'd stop work until DC was started primary school full time.

Last few years, I've broached the subject about her restarting work, but she's proposed counter-arguments (i.e. who's going to pick DC from school, etc).

Now DC2 is starting secondary school next year, tried to have a serious conversation, and she's said in no uncertain terms she "won't work". She feels we have enough enough to live a comfortable life.

I'm at my wits end, as we don't have enough, and certainly don't have enough for future. Mortgage paid off, I earn £56k (approx), some savings, & £80k pension pot (not much I know!). She has 3 years in DB pension.

So what next?!

I never once suggested financial abuse so I don't know why you're making things up. I don't know why your so obsessed with a capable grown adult not working. I would absolutely consider divorce in this situation as she clearly doesn't care about op or appreciate or respect him. She will also lose a lot of money and full access to her children. Would you feel the same if it was the husband refusing to work.

Term time only? Did you miss the fact that one is 17 years old and the other must be at least 12?

She may be panicking at the thought of going back into teaching. I would be, I can't think of anything worse.

The key things to do here are a) to build up a very good profile of your current finances and future finances, it is very tax advantageous for her to work a small amount rather than you work a large amount on top of your existing job, and there's lots of planning around pensions that needs to happen and b) open up the conversation by acknowledging this is a stressful and emotional topic.

Once you get talking, I think different pathways will become clear, such as whether she's ever intending to go back, medium-term planning, pensions (if hers is not going to be full) and tax issues- you need to open up the conversations.

Everyone saying he may divorce and get half- he's still risking her doing this, and taking half and not working! That's why assessing the financial state of the marriage and also the emotional state is so important.

You absolutely can lose universal credit it you are not searching for work or refuse interviews

Obviously another angle to look at, can you maximise your earnings? Career progression, promotions, other jobs, side lines that maybe she could help you with etc especially if you don't do any of the day to day drugery.

To play devil's advicate, we do all of these things and we both work FT. And our kids are proud of our achievements. They're at achool from 8:15 to 5:30 each day so I'm not sure what thry would gain from either of us being at home.

Because you were responding to someone who was speaking out about financial abuse and saying it was wrong. It helps to follow the thread.

I'm not interested in whether this woman works or not, she's not reliant on the state and it doesn't concern me. Like I said, you can't force someone to do something they don't want to do and he can divorce.

I'd feel the same about a man, if his wife doesn't want to support him she can divorce. It's not complicated.

If she is a teacher - why not work evenings tutoring kids for 11+, GCSE’s, A-levels, languages? Her job could easily fit around the household. You could agree to request flexible working so someone is always home? If that’s the issue… Frankly there are millions of folks like your wife in the UK, the reason schools and hospitals are so underfunded is families aren’t net contributors, yet take a lot from public services. 50k per family member is what is required for the state to be adequately funded.

Which is exactly what I said

I didn't say that could not happen.

The post I argued with implied no work/no benefit from day one which, as an experienced Welfare Rights Adviser, I know is not true.

The exact words I challenged were: She wouldn't be entitled to benefits unless she worked

Quite frankly, without the back story, I don't understand why you both agreed for her to give up working 1 day a week.

She could've returned to part time work when you had both agreed when the youngest was at primary school.There are so many parents where both have to work, or single parents working, that having to arrange collecting DC from primary school is just an excuse at that point.

Why doesn't she want to work? Even thinking that you're more financially stable than you are, that's not what I consider a real reason. Is she scared?

I wouldn't be obsessed with her 'getting a job', more discussing the lovely £12.5k tax free allowance they could have as 100% income right now if she had a modest £12.5k a year income (from Air B and B, rental, investments, small job, tutoring, consultancy).

It's tax-free!

I'm so pissed off that tax is done off individual allowances and not household income- as a lone parent I lose out so much from this and the thought someone can't be arsed to bring in £12.5k to enhance their young teen and uni age children's lives is probably bugging me more than it should. For me to bring in an extra £12.5k I'd have to earn nearly £35k more to get the same income in my home.

This is very unfair- take advantage of it!

I am a stay at home parent. I worked full time after child 1, part time after child 2. Then took redundancy, as my children needed more support than most.
I have now successfully got my children through secondary education, one is now in a full time job the other is in college. Both still need me in some way.

I would love to go back to work. I took on a job about 18 months ago, four days a week; I lasted 4 months before I had to resign. Office work had moved on so much that I couldn’t keep up, everyone was working from home and I needed more support. I also needed my husband to take on some of the jobs at home. I was basically working in an office and everyone expected me to still do everything else in the house.

My confidence was completely knocked, I can’t get help from the job center or any colleges as I don’t claim benefits. I just can’t see a way forward. I can’t go back to my old career as it will have moved on so much too. I am now a 50 year old trainee.

I am wondering if your wife feels like me?

Indeed. I think this is highly likely.

It doesn't, but it does mean that a sleep-deprived mother is struggling to work, often meaning on her feet all day or undertaking demanding responsibilities, then having to cope with stressful evenings and no possibility of the downtime necessary for mental and physical health.

Exactly.

The kids are in school all day. Plus there are evenings and weekends available. There is zero reason other than laziness that this person isn't working.

The advice to get a forecast and feedback from a financial advisor is spot on. She needs to see the outlook in black and white.

Also see a solicitor about what the financial aftermath of divorce would look like. Even if you don't want to split, it's useful information.

Also you may want to look at buying pension credits for your wife, to help in the future especially if staying together.

have you had any kind of conversation with her?

Having just gone back to work full time after a break as a SAHP, I imagine confidence is a big factor here. I couldn't imagine even getting selected for an interview, let alone getting hired. I am now in the position where I am carrying the entire mental load of a family of 5, two dogs, cars, house etc and it feels like I am doing two full time jobs but that's a subject for another post entirely. Not working leaves her in a very precarious financial position if you were ever to divorce, or if something were to happen to you. I sought legal advice while I was still a SAHP and the message was clear. Gone are the days of spousal maintenance until the youngest turns 18. The assets are split, child maintenance is only paid if one parent has more than 50% custody, and then each party walks away with their income largely intact.

I would not expect to find a partner's life if they are not caring for either young or disabled children. Why should he shoulder the financial burden? It's not 1950 anymore and no one should find another person's lifestyle unless they choose to of course.

Obviously another angle to look at, can you maximise your earnings? Career progression, promotions, other jobs, side lines that maybe she could help you with etc especially if you don't do any of the day to day drugery

See my above post- tax allowances are individual! So the OP's wife could work a very small amount, get £12.5k, he would have to work to increase his income by approx £35k to get 12.5k in the family coffers.

What job is he going to get with a £35k increase if he's earning £56K now, and why should he do that instead of her earning £12.5k doing a very part-time modest job? This would be nonsensical.

Financial literacy, and working out the future with her is the way forward (not working and not getting your NI paid is also silly, but you can make contributions, you can assess this easily online).

OP, in your shoes i would immediately add more to the pension and run the household with tighter purse strings. Cancel subscriptions, less on supermarket shops, cut out takeaways, sell nice cars and replace, cut extra curriculars, etc.

The time to save for old age is now; you can't replace the value of time when it comes to investing. The family will just have to get used to a lower standard of living. It's hardly your fault.

Are you planning to contribute equally (including paying for, if necessary):

Grocery shopping, cleaning, childcare, all household admin, decluttering, making social arrangements?

If not, you need to seriously think about a reasonable response for when you're asked about these things. Picking the kids up from school, for instance-- it might sound like an unreasonable excuse to you, but what's your suggestion? "It'll work itself out" won't really cut it, I'm afraid. Do you actually have a problem with your overall lifestyle (which she facilitates) or do you want to feel like you're both contributing equally in a financial sense? Because she could easily make the argument that you're not contributing equally in every other way...

I am a teacher and I don't think I could bring myself to go back to it if I took a break!

OP, this group is often recommended on here:

www.facebook.com/groups/thinkingofleavingteaching/?ref=share

No harm in them both doing it to be fair....