First Christmas with boyfriend coming up and he doesn’t do presents?

Ivehearditbothways · 2024-09-27T15:15:56+00:00

I first met this man at the beginning of January last year, our first date was a couple weeks after Christmas. We were chatting over Christmas last year (online dating) but obviously gift giving wasn’t an issue. We’re still together now, and I love him. It’s been an amazing year with how well we get on and how much fun we have. I’ve never laughed so much with anyone before, and he seems to really care about how I’m feeling etc. Our birthday is in the same month, his a couple weeks before mine, so I got him a gift and then he got me one. We’ve just talked about Christmas, and he’s said that he isn’t really into gifts. He feels weird receiving them as a middle aged man (whatever that means) and he struggles to choose gifts for others (except the birthday give he chose for me was perfect). So, he just wants to do dinner and a nice night rather than gifts. The thing is, I’m not OK with that. I had kids when I was young (22 and 23), I split with my kid’s dad when our youngest was 6 weeks old. I dated a little bit but had two young kids and a business to build so I then didn’t take for 9 years. I was celibate for 9 years and obviously no man bought me a gift or anything for years. I started dating a few years ago and met lots of men but this one stuck, so I’m not clinging onto the first guy who looked at me. I’ve been out there a lot, and he is my choice. But I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to give me a Christmas or birthday gift again. I’ve already compromised; we have very different sex drives and he only wants to do it once or twice a month so that was my compromise. And now I have to compromise here too? I love him. Everything about us is perfect except for the sex drives but we talked that out… and now this. I haven’t had a man care about me about enough to buy me a gift for over a decade and I just want him to care enough that he will. What do I do? I can’t tell him he has to, then it’s all fake. So this is what ends us? Just feeling very upset. Over a stupid gift giving nonsense.

GuestFeatu · 27/09/2024 16:17

Everything isn't perfect is it? He has a low sex drive. You know that once a month will turn into once a year and then never right? He's not the one for you. Sorry

Original poster

Ivehearditbothways · 27/09/2024 16:19

The sex wasn’t a deal breaker for me though. I mean, a decade with it… isn’t really super high on my list. But every thing else? He ticks all those boxes. So that was a compromise I was willing to make. When it does happen, he is enthusiastic and it’s great and it’s a few times in the one night. But it was still a compromise. And now this is another one.

OP posts:

Hayley1256 · 27/09/2024 16:21

I think you need to be honest with him that you would be upset if he didn't get you an christmas present. Talk it through but be clear what your expectations are

MassiveOvaryaction · 27/09/2024 16:24

If you can't explain to him what you have here then I don't think the relationship can/should go any further tbh.

smallsilvercloud · 27/09/2024 16:25

He's a misery, he'll resent buying for you, if you get anything at all and he'll be a pain for but for. Sex drives are different, it doesn't seem it will work out...

Original poster

Ivehearditbothways · 27/09/2024 16:26

MassiveOvaryaction · 27/09/2024 16:24

If you can't explain to him what you have here then I don't think the relationship can/should go any further tbh.

That is true. I guess it’s just that I know when I do, he’ll say that we will do gifts then but I know he doesn’t want to. So it’s just performative at that point and not really worth it. So i’m upset that it might be over and putting the conversation off maybe.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 27/09/2024 16:28

He's telling you clearly to have little to no expectations, because he isn't ever going to change. Add to that no sex? Hard pass. Move on.

Bjorkdidit · 27/09/2024 16:29

It would be a shame to end an otherwise good relationship over something so trivial and something that causes so much angst, wasted money and upset in other relationships.

What's wrong with dinner and a nice night? Why is how things are throughout the year less important than exchanging stuff that you could just buy yourselves whenever you want it?

You have three choices. End the relationship.

Make him engage with gifts and then either have to put up with him buying you stuff you don't want or having to send him links of what to buy, which is pointless.

Or you could just not do gifts and have dinner and a nice night together, which sounds great. If he cooks you dinner and gives you his full attention for the evening, how is that not preferable to him spending 5 minutes on the internet choosing any old shit that falls in the category of 'random woman gift'?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/09/2024 16:34

Move on indeed and stop settling for mere crumbs. Do not put the conversation off. You’ve already compromised over important things in relationships like sex drives and now you’re going to further cave in over this business of gift giving. This is not going to end well for you. Expect more for yourself and put this man bank into the dating pool. Such men rarely if ever change and he is doing this too because he can.

You and he are not and never will be compatible.

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 27/09/2024 16:37

Ivehearditbothways · 27/09/2024 16:26

That is true. I guess it’s just that I know when I do, he’ll say that we will do gifts then but I know he doesn’t want to. So it’s just performative at that point and not really worth it. So i’m upset that it might be over and putting the conversation off maybe.

Show quote history

You can't make someone change. If he gives gifts because you want them then that is a nice thing he is doing.

I am him, I dislike giving gifts as an adult and recieving them. I don't see the point, especially at set times. If I see something I think my DH would like I will buy it for him, but the thought of having to buy something to fulfil a certain date is absurd to me.

Buying for children is different as they do not have the disposable income to buy there own things.
I know my DH values the other things I do for him, this alone would be a shame to split up imo.

RestlessDollyMaunder · 27/09/2024 16:39

Just tell him, like you've told us (without the sex part obvs!).

It's quite sweet why you want gifts and if he's a half decent bloke, he'll oblige.

Lulubellamozarella · 27/09/2024 16:44

I'm surprised by some of the comments on here. Dump him just because he doesn't like giving and receiving presents? But if he is perfect in most other ways and you love each other, and you are okay with the differing sex drives, are you really willing to throw an otherwise pretty great relationship away over something so minor and trivial? Really??

My DH doesn't like gift buying and receiving either. I accept it. I would much rather have him in my life for the rest of it than a million (potentially useless) gifts!!

We celebrate Birthdays/Anniversary/Christmas etc in other ways. We go away, we enjoy each others company, we go out for a meal together. We have a great time. Is it really such a big deal if he doesn't like buying and receiving gifts?

Windrainandsnow · 27/09/2024 16:44

Bjorkdidit · 27/09/2024 16:29

It would be a shame to end an otherwise good relationship over something so trivial and something that causes so much angst, wasted money and upset in other relationships.

What's wrong with dinner and a nice night? Why is how things are throughout the year less important than exchanging stuff that you could just buy yourselves whenever you want it?

You have three choices. End the relationship.

Make him engage with gifts and then either have to put up with him buying you stuff you don't want or having to send him links of what to buy, which is pointless.

Or you could just not do gifts and have dinner and a nice night together, which sounds great. If he cooks you dinner and gives you his full attention for the evening, how is that not preferable to him spending 5 minutes on the internet choosing any old shit that falls in the category of 'random woman gift'?

I agree with this.

He is being honest with you.

I give Christmas gifts to children certainly but many years ago stopped buying for adults - I give Christmas donations to charities with the money I would have spent on the adults.
I think his idea of a nice meal / evening out together in lieu of presents is a lovely one actually.

MassiveOvaryaction · 27/09/2024 16:49

Ivehearditbothways · 27/09/2024 16:26

That is true. I guess it’s just that I know when I do, he’ll say that we will do gifts then but I know he doesn’t want to. So it’s just performative at that point and not really worth it. So i’m upset that it might be over and putting the conversation off maybe.

Show quote history

Understandable. Hope all goes well whatever you decide

Original poster

Ivehearditbothways · 27/09/2024 16:53

We’re both financially secure so going for dinner isn’t unusual. It would just be a normal thing. We go out to stuff a lot, we’re going to a string quartet tomorrow and to see a play in a week. And to be honest, it’s all stuff I wanted to do. He’s happy to just go to the rugby, but I want to see the art exhibit in town or the play that’s showing or the comedian on tour, and he goes to it all happily, because I want to. I can’t think of a time he’s ever said no to me. I do stuff he wants as well of course, but he is always so careful to make sure that my child free time with him is something that makes me happy. He makes so much effort. I feel like a stupid little child being upset over a Christmas gift… but it’s how I feel. I don’t want it to come out in some passive aggressive way so I just need a way to deal with this and be ok with it, or ruin this relationship and end it over bloody Christmas presents.

OP posts:

Fs365 · 27/09/2024 16:53

Lulubellamozarella · 27/09/2024 16:44

I'm surprised by some of the comments on here. Dump him just because he doesn't like giving and receiving presents? But if he is perfect in most other ways and you love each other, and you are okay with the differing sex drives, are you really willing to throw an otherwise pretty great relationship away over something so minor and trivial? Really??

My DH doesn't like gift buying and receiving either. I accept it. I would much rather have him in my life for the rest of it than a million (potentially useless) gifts!!

We celebrate Birthdays/Anniversary/Christmas etc in other ways. We go away, we enjoy each others company, we go out for a meal together. We have a great time. Is it really such a big deal if he doesn't like buying and receiving gifts?

^^ This

Lulubellamozarella · 27/09/2024 16:59

Ivehearditbothways · 27/09/2024 16:53

We’re both financially secure so going for dinner isn’t unusual. It would just be a normal thing. We go out to stuff a lot, we’re going to a string quartet tomorrow and to see a play in a week. And to be honest, it’s all stuff I wanted to do. He’s happy to just go to the rugby, but I want to see the art exhibit in town or the play that’s showing or the comedian on tour, and he goes to it all happily, because I want to. I can’t think of a time he’s ever said no to me. I do stuff he wants as well of course, but he is always so careful to make sure that my child free time with him is something that makes me happy. He makes so much effort. I feel like a stupid little child being upset over a Christmas gift… but it’s how I feel. I don’t want it to come out in some passive aggressive way so I just need a way to deal with this and be ok with it, or ruin this relationship and end it over bloody Christmas presents.

Your guy sounds pretty amazing and you seem really lucky. You have a guy that wants to make you happy and makes so much effort in all other areas (your words) I think you do need to find a way to deal with this very trivial thing or you will end up losing him and will have no-one to do any of those nice things with. I think you will regret letting him go if you do, especially over something so minor.

Let it go.

AdaColeman · 27/09/2024 17:11

For this year, I'd settle for a nice night with dinner, and I'd use the money I would have spent on him to get myself a treat, a piece of jewellery or a handbag perhaps.

Then in the New Year, I'd see how I felt about it all. It may be that in the event, the lack of gifts might not seem so important when balanced against good company and pleasant events. The low sex drive is only going to get worse as he ages, so add that into your considerations too.

Do you think the lack of gifts is a sign of meanness on his part, is he mean in other ways? If so, it's often the case that the meanness leaks into other areas, so they become mean emotionally too, which can be hard to live with. You've got some serious thinking to do!

Lemonadeand · 27/09/2024 17:14

It sounds like receiving gifts is part of your love language. You should explain to him that you want to receive a thoughtful Christmas gift because it’s important to you and it’s part of how you feel loved. Then offer to take him out for dinner for a similar amount. If he cares about you, he’ll care that it matters to you.

Original poster

Ivehearditbothways · 27/09/2024 17:18

AdaColeman · 27/09/2024 17:11

For this year, I'd settle for a nice night with dinner, and I'd use the money I would have spent on him to get myself a treat, a piece of jewellery or a handbag perhaps.

Then in the New Year, I'd see how I felt about it all. It may be that in the event, the lack of gifts might not seem so important when balanced against good company and pleasant events. The low sex drive is only going to get worse as he ages, so add that into your considerations too.

Do you think the lack of gifts is a sign of meanness on his part, is he mean in other ways? If so, it's often the case that the meanness leaks into other areas, so they become mean emotionally too, which can be hard to live with. You've got some serious thinking to do!

The sex drive issue I’m sure is going to come
up again. He is 9 years older than me, so he is going to hit “old and done with sex” long before I do. It is an issue, but one we talk about and it’s out in the open and we work through it. If that is what ends things then it is what it is. At least it’s a real reason, and I wouldn’t feel like an idiot. I would feel like an idiot for letting this gift issue be the cause.

I don’t think it’s a meanness or a tightness thing. He’s never had any issue spending money on stuff we want to do. We pretty much split everything; never discussed if. We just do. Or we take turns. Or one of us will just show up with wine and desert for a night in. I don’t think it’s an issue of money or wanting to keep things all to himself or anything:

OP posts:

Smartiepants79 · 27/09/2024 17:20

Only you can decide how important this is.
On the face of it, it’s sounds a fairly trivial things to end a good relationship over. Especially without giving him a chance to try and put it right.
It’s allowed for him to not be bothered by presents. It’s allowed for it not to be the way he shows he loves you. He hopefully has other ways.
BUT it’s also ok for you to say you’d like him to make an effort as it matters to you. That’s not quite the same as you telling him he has to. It’s just another form of compromise. He’s listened and made a change.
Have you really unpicked why he’s doesn’t want to do it? Does he truly worry about getting it wrong??
I would say that gifts matter to you and you’d like him to make an effort and a pick you one thing.

anythinginapinch · 27/09/2024 17:30

My DH is useless with presents, hates giving and receiving them. I'm the opposite.

But he is ceaselessly supportive, does anything I ask, has never judged me. Wish I could say the same about me.

Some men have attributes and qualities which don't include buying presets. It absolutely does not mean they "don't care enough" about you. It means they hate buying presents. OP I think it's you with the wrong priorities here, not him.

bumpitty · 27/09/2024 17:32

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/09/2024 16:34

Move on indeed and stop settling for mere crumbs. Do not put the conversation off. You’ve already compromised over important things in relationships like sex drives and now you’re going to further cave in over this business of gift giving. This is not going to end well for you. Expect more for yourself and put this man bank into the dating pool. Such men rarely if ever change and he is doing this too because he can.

You and he are not and never will be compatible.

But we don't know what compromised he has made for the OP. Maybe she's messy and he's a bear freak and he's accepted this. Maybe she eats meat and he's a vegan. Maybe she has weird work patterns or doesn't want him going out with his friends. Who knows.

MauveOrPossiblyTaupe · 27/09/2024 17:36

Does he understand that this is important to you? Some people don't care about Christmas presents (I don't, really); but if you care about someone and it matters to them, then it becomes important.

To me, that's not being forced - it's doing something because you care about how the other person feels. And, really, what could be less forced than that?

Holidays78 · 27/09/2024 17:39

Can't you have an honest conversation?

Tell him you haven't received gifts and this is something that would make you happy, doenst have to be a sack full, one meaningful gift would be nice.

As for the sex. That's a harder one to deal with. Depends on how much you want it? Would you be happy with once a week?