First Christmas with boyfriend coming up and he doesn’t do presents?

[Ivehearditbothways]

I first met this man at the beginning of January last year, our first date was a couple weeks after Christmas. We were chatting over Christmas last year (online dating) but obviously gift giving wasn’t an issue.
We’re still together now, and I love him. It’s been an amazing year with how well we get on and how much fun we have. I’ve never laughed so much with anyone before, and he seems to really care about how I’m feeling etc.
Our birthday is in the same month, his a couple weeks before mine, so I got him a gift and then he got me one.

We’ve just talked about Christmas, and he’s said that he isn’t really into gifts. He feels weird receiving them as a middle aged man (whatever that means) and he struggles to choose gifts for others (except the birthday give he chose for me was perfect). So, he just wants to do dinner and a nice night rather than gifts.

The thing is, I’m not OK with that. I had kids when I was young (22 and 23), I split with my kid’s dad when our youngest was 6 weeks old. I dated a little bit but had two young kids and a business to build so I then didn’t take for 9 years. I was celibate for 9 years and obviously no man bought me a gift or anything for years. I started dating a few years ago and met lots of men but this one stuck, so I’m not clinging onto the first guy who looked at me. I’ve been out there a lot, and he is my choice. But I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to give me a Christmas or birthday gift again. I’ve already compromised; we have very different sex drives and he only wants to do it once or twice a month so that was my compromise. And now I have to compromise here too?

I love him. Everything about us is perfect except for the sex drives but we talked that out… and now this. I haven’t had a man care about me about enough to buy me a gift for over a decade and I just want him to care enough that he will.

What do I do? I can’t tell him he has to, then it’s all fake. So this is what ends us? Just feeling very upset. Over a stupid gift giving nonsense.

Oh, come on OP. I'm going to say this because nobody else seems prepared to.

This is a ridiculous thing to cause a deal breaking problem in an otherwise great relationship. Why are material things so important to you? Love isn't about 'stuff'.

What he's suggested sounds a lovely Christmas, that you'd probably really enjoy.

By all means, end the relationship if it's really that much of a flipping issue, but what a silly thing to end a relationship over. The grass isn't always greener - appreciate what you have now, because from the way you describe him, you'll probably struggle to find anyone better.

Compassion and compromise comes in to play when you realise something is very important to the person you love. It can be a present at Christmas or it can be standing on a muddy sideline cheering them on in the rain.
It's when you want to make the person you love happy.

But him compromising and buying her gifts isn't enough, she wants him to want to do it.

Men who don’t gift you for Christmas, valentines and birthdays are not into you. That’s it. Throw him back.

Some posters in their preoccupation with present giving/receiving seem to have forgotten that the op has already compromised over their sex life. Why did you agree to once or twice a month?. Is that what you really want? If he is also 9 years older than you this issue is indeed going to reappear.

What does he organise off his own initiative for you rather than just meals out?.
You also seem to be the organised one in this relationship whilst he merely tags along behind you.

What would you advise if your friend was telling you this?.

But he is OK with birthday gifts? He got you a good one. I despise getting gifts and find buying them massively stressful. I don't let DH get me anything for my birthday but I do my best for his birthday. For Christmas we've both agreed not to do it for years now thank the lord.

So if he's happy to continue with birthday presents it doesn't seem unreasonable he gets out of having to repeat the palaver at Christmas.

You said it yourself, that you don't want to be with someone who will never give you a Christmas or a birthday gift again, so I would let him go. It doesn't matter what other posters think, some people wouldn't mind, but you do. I would too!

He got me a birthday gift because I got him one (his birthday was first). He didn’t even wrap it. He handed it to me and said, “I don’t wrap birthday gifts, but Christmas will be different.” And now he doesn’t do Christmas and, in this conversation, has said the same for birthdays. Gifts just isn’t something he wants to do.

I agreed because when we met and had a bunch of dates, things just went so well. I get along with him more than anyone else, we have interesting conversations, he makes me happy… the sex thing just wasn’t super high on my list. He ticked everything else, and I just felt that I was ok to go along with what he wanted there. He’s very affectionate, we have a lot of intimacy which just doesn’t lead to sex. But it’s not what I’d choose.

I’ve been a single parent a long time, with a family who don’t really do gifts but expect gifts. So I’ve spent my adult life buying for other people, making sure Christmas for everyone else is sorted and magical and all the rest of it. And no one does it for me. Now, he apparently won’t either.

So I’ve spent my adult life buying for other people, making sure Christmas for everyone else is sorted and magical and all the rest of it. And no one does it for me. Now, he apparently won’t either.
I don't think there's any right or wrong answer. He's not wrong to be uninterested in gifts and you're not wrong for wanting to be treated a certain way. Just depends how much it means to you. I've never attempted to make Christmas magical or a particularly big deal so if a partner wanted me to do that for them I would find it hard to do and impossible for it to be genuine because I wouldn't really know what they wanted. You can ask him to try but it isn't fair to resent him for not naturally wanting the same things as you.

Would you miss him if he wasn't in your life, if yes I really wouldn't get worked up about a present............

Doesn't sound like he's the right man for you.

Did he mean he doesn't do Christmas gifts for others but will for you?

No, he said “dinner and a cosy night in is more my style rather than gifts.” So would I be ok not doing Christmas (or birthdays).

You write it’s not what you would choose re the intimacy issues. But you have chose this, you have compromised. It’s ok for him to tell you what he wants but why does this not work both ways?. Intimacy problems break relationships and what has he personally done to address his issues around sex?. Nothing?.

You are important and your views do matter, be tired of being the last person who matters. That applies to all areas of your life, not just in a relationship.

Just talk to him, I don't think there is anything wrong in saying you want to do Gifts and will be buying him some. Might be worth expalinging that you prefer thought over cost. Is he planning on buying you DC gifts? Me and my DP don't live together but he buys my DD gifts on all occasions (not her dad).

You don't have to tell him he has to but you can tell him clearly that it means a lot to you.

My DH wasn't a gift giver when we met. I was gutted when my Big Birthday loomed and the day before it transpired he had bought nothing. He told me to pick something out and he'd pay for it. It stung so badly and we had a very ugly fight. It came up again some time late and he called me a spoilt brat! It was not a good period in our relationship.

As our relationship improved later and we began understanding each other better I realised that he wasn't showing me he didn't care for me, he just didn't get that it was important to me. He doesn't want gifts himself. He didn't really get any as a child. In his previous marriage his wife didn't want him to choose anything and preferred to tell him what to buy. She insisted upon it. He thought he was being generous with me.

That was the last occasion he didn't buy me something romantic. He honestly gets me lovely stuff now; experiences he knows I'll enjoy, jewellery, handbags, small thoughtful things.

You need to make it clear that presents are important to you.

He hasn’t met them. And he won’t meet them by Xmas. Their dad only recently introduced his partner to the kids and one was fine with it but the other (autistic) really struggled. One of the things he said was, “At least it’s just dad. We only see him a few times a month and she won’t really be in my space.” It is not the right time be bring a guy round to meet them and have this man in their home and safe space. I picked him, my kids didn’t. And they don’t need to meet him as I have plenty childcare and I always do the travelling to his.

The 'compromises', which might seem non-issues now, will slowly start building up and create discontent and frustrations. The differing sex drives alone would be a source of frustration. Similarly, if he means you are never going to get another gift again, that is quite a lot to take in and not many people would be pleased with that kind of finality. I am curious as to why he didn't mention his issue with gifts earlier? He may be an amazing person but there might be some inherent differences. It really depends on how many matters you will continue to be the one adjusting.

Why the obsession over gifts sure low sex drive if you can't cope end it but life is not over because of no gifts

If everything else is OK then breaking up because he didn't get you a perfume or whatever is weird

OP you have said a lot about the efforts he makes, but it’s hard to see what they are. He doesn’t want sex, you don’t have sex (much). He doesn’t want to go out, but will tag along if you sort it all out. He doesn’t want to do presents or (if he grudgingly does a present because you gave him one first) he won’t bother wrapping it.

what is it that he actually does that represents him putting effort into the relationship? It’s really hard to understand.

I couldn't care less about a Christmas present.
If I want something (within reason) I just buy it.
Or once we choose a picture for the house.
But some adults just aren't excited about Christmas presents.
The twice a month sex would be a deal breaker for me .....
Are you sure it's the Christmas present you're actually talking about ?

Been thinking about it for hours and I think it might be his response of basically “well I don’t want to so let’s not.” Which was the same for intimacy. He doesn’t want to so we’ll just work around what he wants. I think that might be the problem for me. He isn’t considering what I might want for these things, and I think Christmas/birthdays and intimacy are quite important ways to show affection to your partner.

And then you say you are not ok with it and explain what you’ve said on here. If he steps up, then he’s a keeper. If he ignores what you say, then that says a lot about him and your relationship,

I completely understand where you are coming from. I don’t want a lot of money spent on me but I think a small thoughtful gift & a card is nice.
Unfortunately I've been disappointed so far with my newish DP.
It seems a silly thing to break up over when everything else is good but it leaves me feeling like if they cared they’d make an effort especially if they know it’s important to me.
Im not sure what the solution is but I think you are reasonable to feel as you do. Especially as it sounds like he’s dismissed your feelings about it.