First Christmas with boyfriend coming up and he doesn’t do presents?

[Ivehearditbothways]

I first met this man at the beginning of January last year, our first date was a couple weeks after Christmas. We were chatting over Christmas last year (online dating) but obviously gift giving wasn’t an issue.
We’re still together now, and I love him. It’s been an amazing year with how well we get on and how much fun we have. I’ve never laughed so much with anyone before, and he seems to really care about how I’m feeling etc.
Our birthday is in the same month, his a couple weeks before mine, so I got him a gift and then he got me one.

We’ve just talked about Christmas, and he’s said that he isn’t really into gifts. He feels weird receiving them as a middle aged man (whatever that means) and he struggles to choose gifts for others (except the birthday give he chose for me was perfect). So, he just wants to do dinner and a nice night rather than gifts.

The thing is, I’m not OK with that. I had kids when I was young (22 and 23), I split with my kid’s dad when our youngest was 6 weeks old. I dated a little bit but had two young kids and a business to build so I then didn’t take for 9 years. I was celibate for 9 years and obviously no man bought me a gift or anything for years. I started dating a few years ago and met lots of men but this one stuck, so I’m not clinging onto the first guy who looked at me. I’ve been out there a lot, and he is my choice. But I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to give me a Christmas or birthday gift again. I’ve already compromised; we have very different sex drives and he only wants to do it once or twice a month so that was my compromise. And now I have to compromise here too?

I love him. Everything about us is perfect except for the sex drives but we talked that out… and now this. I haven’t had a man care about me about enough to buy me a gift for over a decade and I just want him to care enough that he will.

What do I do? I can’t tell him he has to, then it’s all fake. So this is what ends us? Just feeling very upset. Over a stupid gift giving nonsense.

You’ve put what I couldn’t into words. This is the feeling; this is exactly what it is. It isn’t about the gift. It’s about him doing something to make a fuss of me for once. When no one else does.

but he does compromise! A lot, more than OP by the sounds of it.
He works around her children
They've reached a compromise by having more sex than he wants.
He goes to the art exhibits, string quartets, comedians etc that OP enjoys despite the fact they aren't his thing.
He misses his hobby (cycling) so she can stay over

You can't 'half' buy a gift, you either do or don't. So him compromising yet again on this wouldn't really be a compromise, it would be doing what the OP wants and what he doesn't want just to make her happy. Which completely defeats the point of gift giving! It shouldn't be an obligation done to stop someone moaning at you, picked from a list of things they could have just bought themselves, it's supposed to be an organic expression of affection for someone!

And I work around all his (numerous) hobbies, his lads weekends away, his OCD, the rugby (he goes to every game of our local team and flies over to where they are playing when possible to go to the away games too). We’ll go a month without an overnight, not because of my kids but because he’s got a cycling challenge he has to complete, he has the gym early, he’s got rugby/football/lads night out every weekend evening. I’ve done plenty working around him, more than he had worked about my kids. My parents live next door to me, so it’s literally a case of “I’m off out, over you to to gran and Grampa’s.” It takes no effort and my parents honestly don’t care as we’re the type of family in and out of each other’s houses all the time and it makes no difference. So when I say he works around my kids it’s really things like they are playing in a concert and I can’t miss that so a handful of occasions where I actually can’t make plans with him when he is free.
It’s not like he so doing all the giving and I’m doing all the taking.

This (and other comments by people who would love this guy) is actually exactly it. He's perfect for other people who don't care about presents and sex. Some people are fine with Scrooge.

But he's not right for you, OP. He wouldn't be right for me either.

Many of the replies on here miss the point. It doesn't matter what other people's attitudes to presents are. Christmas and birthday presents are important to the OP (and indeed important to many people and cultures).

My DH wasn't into Christmas or gifts (not because he isn't materialistic either) until we met but he knew how important a festival it is in my family so it made him happy to be part of it and to work on his gift giving skills. Gifts don't have to be lavish or big ticket items.

'Dinner and a nice night' - I'd expect that every night. Not once or twice a year.

I don’t mean this unpleasantly, but the picture of the relationship that is emerging over the thread in general really doesn’t bear out your original claim that everything is ‘amazing’. He’s very routine-bound, extremely set in his ways, has a long-established cast-iron routine set up that he has no interest in changing, has OCD, a very low sex drive, has very little interest in staying over at yours because it’s too much change in his routine and he’s not bothered about having sex with you anyway, and everything about him, including gifts, is ‘Hey, this is the way I am. Take it or leave it.’

The reason the presents thing is bothering you is because it’s symptomatic of how he is — uninterested in flexibility, change or compromise. Uninterested in putting himself out, even in the first excitement of a new relationship. I think he actually likes that you’re not totally available, and that he can tell himself you’re unavailable because of childcare or a clash with a parents’ evening, even when, as you say, it’s not actually the case.

Which might be fine for some people, but it doesn’t sound fine for you. You want someone who cares enough about you to put himself out for you, who doesn’t say ‘Oh, I don’t do presents’ or ‘No, I can’t ever do x, because I’m cycling/travelling for a rugby match/doing an early gym session/out with my friends’.

Bluntly, this isn’t ‘amazing’. He may well be an extremely nice man, and love you in his way, and he might well be a perfect match for another woman, but if you want someone who will put himself out for you, he’s shown you over and over again he’s not that man. His life as it is isn’t up for compromise, bar missing an occasional early cycle.

@IntheVicinity

To be fair to him, I’m using this a the whiney thread. I’m not waxing on about all the things he actually does do for me, or the way he treats me or how we are together. I’m moaning about the stuff I don’t like. But it’s a small part of the whole.
And all that stuff, the fitting in around each other’s lives stuff, I don’t see that as negative. We’re two middle aged people with full lives who are trying to make space for a new person. Of course there will be conflicts with our time and availability and things we like to do, and we have to work around those. But I just don’t see those as full on compromising what we want from a relationship. That’s just life when you’re an adult. I just resented another poster saying he was doing far more for me because he works around my kids… when they are probably the least complicated part of this. They’re teens/pre teen, can stay home alone for hours or go to grandparents for overnights. They’re not an issue.

I do get that, OP, but it does sound to me as if the gift thing is symptomatic of someone who isn’t flexible, and you’re compromising on sex and on presents already, and while other people might find the lack of sex key, for you it’s exchanging presents. If that feels important to you, when you’re philosophical and cheerful about having to fit around his multiple other commitments, I think you should listen to yourself.

Dear lord he's a selfish twat

I'm sorry but at this stage he should be spoiling you and satisfying you in every way. Dump him and move on. You need to raise your standards. He could really have a low sex drive or he could be gay. I've heard of so many women marrying closet gay men. Either way it sounds like he's not right for you.

OCD?
is it the tidy version , or the obsessive thoughts version?
Either way I'd be pulling back.... and seeing how much he's bothered.
Also when you do introduce the kids .,,,,what if they don't like him?

You don't sound very compatible. I don't think him compromising is the answer here either, because doing those things out of duty isn't likely to make you happy either.

I think you may just need to talk about it and try to come to a compromise that will work for you.

I am actually like him. I hate giving gifts and I hate receiving them. I dread Christmas morning for this reason. I like the kids getting up early and opening stockings. I like cooking and eating. I like winter walks. Hate the gifts.

I think for me it’s because I grew up in a family that was all flash and money and grand gestures but no real emotional substance. Gifts to me equal someone who doesn’t really care about you trying to make a show for appearances sake. I’d feel so much more loved if dh just didn’t get me anything. It’s a source of great frustration for him too.

I can understand it intellectually as being about my screwed up family, but in the moment, it still feels bad. I shuffle through by having Dh tell me what he wants and I can manage to buy those things. Could you agree to do one small gift each or find some other way around it? I think just talking about it and bringing it to light may help.

All that said, I do agree you don’t seem that compatible. If he isn’t willing to meet you in the middle on this, it sounds awfully complicated for a very new relationship. It should be fun.

Why do you pretend it's about Christmas presents when it's really about sex? I mean, WHY?

Because it’s not. The sex thing was first discussed back in March. It’s a compromise I made, and it’s been months and months and I’m still happy with it. He does other stuff to me, we have intimacy and closeness. It’s just the sex isn’t that often, but I haven’t been unhappy. If I’d been unhappy that would be one thing, but I’m not. I would like it more, obviously, buts it’s not a deal breaker for me, it doesn’t upset me, I don’t sit around thinking about. That may be hard for some people to understand but that’s what it is. I only said it on here to explain that we’ve had some teething problems and I’ve had to make a pretty big compromise already.

I already quoted a post from another single parent who explained what I’m feeling very well, and better than I did. It’s not about the gift, it’s about having someone take the reigns and do something for me from beginning to end or just think about me and sort something for me etc.