First Christmas with boyfriend coming up and he doesn’t do presents?

[Ivehearditbothways]

I first met this man at the beginning of January last year, our first date was a couple weeks after Christmas. We were chatting over Christmas last year (online dating) but obviously gift giving wasn’t an issue.
We’re still together now, and I love him. It’s been an amazing year with how well we get on and how much fun we have. I’ve never laughed so much with anyone before, and he seems to really care about how I’m feeling etc.
Our birthday is in the same month, his a couple weeks before mine, so I got him a gift and then he got me one.

We’ve just talked about Christmas, and he’s said that he isn’t really into gifts. He feels weird receiving them as a middle aged man (whatever that means) and he struggles to choose gifts for others (except the birthday give he chose for me was perfect). So, he just wants to do dinner and a nice night rather than gifts.

The thing is, I’m not OK with that. I had kids when I was young (22 and 23), I split with my kid’s dad when our youngest was 6 weeks old. I dated a little bit but had two young kids and a business to build so I then didn’t take for 9 years. I was celibate for 9 years and obviously no man bought me a gift or anything for years. I started dating a few years ago and met lots of men but this one stuck, so I’m not clinging onto the first guy who looked at me. I’ve been out there a lot, and he is my choice. But I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to give me a Christmas or birthday gift again. I’ve already compromised; we have very different sex drives and he only wants to do it once or twice a month so that was my compromise. And now I have to compromise here too?

I love him. Everything about us is perfect except for the sex drives but we talked that out… and now this. I haven’t had a man care about me about enough to buy me a gift for over a decade and I just want him to care enough that he will.

What do I do? I can’t tell him he has to, then it’s all fake. So this is what ends us? Just feeling very upset. Over a stupid gift giving nonsense.

I can’t think of a time he’s ever said no to me. I do stuff he wants as well of course, but he is always so careful to make sure that my child free time with him is something that makes me happy. He makes so much effort.

This doesn't sound like 'bread crumbing' to me in any way or shape

I'd really encourage you to consider what the 'gifting' means to you? As PPs have pointed out, it's obvious that children who do not have their own disposable income get given presents. For adults, who can buy whatever they want, why would you want a gift?

Fair enough it means that they have to spend time thinking about what you might like, and choosing something they think will suit you. My point is that they can never be as good at that as you are yourself.

How would he feel about paying for something that you have chosen for yourself. That's the compromise DH and I run, I pick something and we go snd buy it together.

DH claims to like surprises but to me it just adds another layer of stress to preparing for Christmas. I really wish he could be got to agree to not do presents. Especially as we get older there is honestly nothing that I really want that I do not already have.

Presents for affluent adults is IMO pretty pointless. What does it mean to you?

It's the early stages when he is still on "best behaviour" so it's likely to get worse. If you feel vibes that he just isn't that interested then trust that.

It's absolutely a reason for me personally to not want a relationship with someone. There are a billion different ways it can look and lots of ways to make it less stressful. I understand the anxiety and dislike buying for people I don't really know it seems a wastful exchange. But the ones I know most in the world and love the most. Absolutely I want to make them feel valued and cherished. That looks different for everyone. It might be spending time together it might be notes and letters found objects all sorts.

It's also nothing to do with money although that Absolutely could be a factor in why he might be reluctant if he assumes it must mean giving an expensive gift but then that's very unimaginative. Is he mean and tight with other things? Happy to spend on himself? How does he treat others he loves in his life? Is he actively planning researching and trying to make memories with you new traditions visit new places take photos.

We have a gift app called family gift so everyone can add their real specific gifts it has a link straight to the website or shop with all the details of what size colour etc we add to it all year round so by Christmas there's a selection so it keeps the surprise but takes away all the anxiety.
I love gardening so my dh will carry huge logs, rocks,pinecones and shells back from dog walks because he knows I will love them in the garden. It doesn't have to be expensive but you deserve to have someone to want to cherish you!

Do you feel cherished?

How about suggesting your presents are tickets for an experience for 2025?

This is the compromise I make.

I'd dump him for this. Especially the way he promised things would be better for Christmas, and now he's reneged on that. He's trying to be as low effort as possible.

Christmas is a HUGE deal for me. No way do I want to be shackled to Scrooge.

And that reluctance to give will extend to other areas of your life, as you are finding, OP.

I don't think you should leave over the gift issue. Lack of sex, yes maybe, especially assuming you're late 30s, as seems from your timeline.

But then I have an issue with gifts too. It's not that I don't like giving them but it's a once in a blue moon thing that I have an original inspiration for a gift AND the receiver clearly really loves it. (My dad one adored a book I gave him and talked about it with great enthusiasm afterwards, for example).

And it's not that I don't like receiving them either, but often they are gimmicky, predictable or useless. In our family we have lists so everyone gets what they want. And I have bought my own presents many times with money my parents have given me.

Surprises are great when they are what the recipient really enjoys but otherwise, not so good.

I'm sure you can work something out - give him ideas he can choose from if you want a 'surprise'.

Also the men in my family are really not that bothered about gifts. Seems to be something women tend to feel obliged to give.

If everyone had his attitude there'd be a lot of money saved and a lot of trees (paper) too. 'Unwanted' Christmas presents are regularly used in raffles or for re-gifting. My ideal Christmas would be no buying presents, cards etc, which makes the run up really stressful. Just preparing food, some discreet decorating and planning fun times with loved ones. The big Christmas is a social construct fuelled by big business (not that I don't like it for itself).

We don't do presents at Christmas.
We go away for a few days after, somewhere nice.
Would much rather have time together.

You are changing yourself - less sex than you’d like, no gifts…we all make compromises in a relationship but yours is still early days. Make sure it doesn’t erode too much of who you are.

This! ^

This guy would be ideal for me. No stressing over gifts and sex once a year (which is what it will dwindle to if he has compromised on once a month). But I am old! If you're younger than 60 and generous and love sex then he's not going to satisfy your needs.

This too!

Feel free to send him my way! A man who rarely wants sex, doesn’t want to exchange presents but is otherwise fun and attentive is my idea of perfection 😛

I think given this update you are being ridiculous actually. He sounds kind and thoughtful in the ways that really matter and he's not saying he won't mark occasions, he just doesn't want to buy gifts. Not because he's mean or mean spirited, just because it's not his thing.

Could you set up a wish list of things/experiences you would like with lots of different things on it? He can choose a few things from the list so you are surprised by which ones you are getting.

Explain to him this is important for you and why. See if he's willing to compromise.

The gift giving might not be a deal breaker but the willingness to compromise might be.

OP, I think underpinning this is a feeling that for once, you would like someone to make an effort on your behalf, to make a fuss of you, to organise something end to end. I am a single parent for the last 9 years and I completely get that - every damn thing that happens in this house is up to me and even in my extended family, I am probably the organiser, the thoughtful one, the booker, etc. I think you are looking for your partner to fill a hole that he was played no part in creating - understandable but a little hard on him. I would talk to him but focus much less on the gifts and more on the organising things, the drudge work of making things happen. That you want to feel that he can and will put himself out just because it would make you happy and feel seen and loved and 'minded'. I think the gifts might be somewhat of a red herring, it's what they represent.

@Ivehearditbothways how much effort does he put in on a day to day basis? Does he research and find things he actively thinks you'll like or does he go along with your suggestions perhaps with a comment about it's not something I'd normally do but for you... How much effort and thought does he actively make to make you happy?

I’m not into giving or receiving presents either. I already have everything I want so I can never think of what I’d like as a present. The sex thing would be an issue though.

Tell him all this.

Compatibility is the most important thing in a relationship and the next is communication.

If you explain to him everything you've explained there, so he understands where you're coming from on a deeper level than just being gift vs no-gift people, there's nothing unreasonable in what you want. That's the kind of thing where he can and should find some sort of compromise, so if he rebuffs it completely... that's the real problem.

But you do have to spell things out because people are so different. I had to spell out to DP that I absolutely hate surprises and want to be actively involved in deciding what experiences I do. (The idea of a "surprise holiday" is a nightmare for me.) Luckily he also hates surprises and only did it once because he thought "women liked them". Your boyfriend probably doesn't want to assume you can just drop everything spontaneously, he may not think of your parents as reliable as you do.

The early days of a relationship are for spelling things out in order to get to the nice place where your partner "just knows". DP "just knows" what I'll prefer in a lot of situations and that's not romantic magic, it's because I told him 12 years ago, sometimes repeatedly.

I would be massively, massively unimpressed with him moving the goalposts ("Here's a birthday gift that I didn't bother to wrap but I'll do better at Christmas" suddenly morphs into "I'm not actually going to bother at all").

You want to feel like he thinks about and cares about you. He isn't going to do that for you.

Good post from @gannett.

I think that post is nonsense.

I love people in my life. I still don't want to buy them gifts just because it's Christmas or have them buy me gifts in return.

If I (or they) see something I think will be appreciated, we'd buy it and give it. It's rare though. But an obligation just because it's 25th December? I'm not interested in that.

I agree they're both important ways to show affection! It won't be the same for everyone, but there's no way I'd be compatible with someone who only wants sex infrequently and doesn't do birthdays/Christmas.

I also think that, whatever happens, you're going to end up really resenting him - either because you're not getting what you want, or because you know he's only doing it (sex/gifts) begrudgingly.

Has he compromised on anything?

He's actually said that.

He cares little by what he says to you.

Are you making excuses for his poor behaviour.

Sometimes he has to miss his cycling. He cycles every Saturday morning before spending the morning/early afternoon visiting his mum (recent widow) and he goes to a martial arts class on a Sunday morning. So, if I stay over on a Friday then he misses his cycle because he can’t ask me to get up at 5am. But if I stay over on a Saturday then I have to get up and out by 9.30 so he can go to his martial arts class.
We do spend a couple of evenings a week together though, and our weekend night is always great. And we have spent Sunday afternoons together doing stuff. We do get s lot of time, but the only thing I can think of him actually changing for me is that Saturday morning cycle if I’ve stayed over.

Edit - and he obviously has to work about my having kids and when I’m available but childcare isn’t really much of an issue so it doesn’t get in the way too much.