First Christmas with boyfriend coming up and he doesn’t do presents?

[Ivehearditbothways]

I first met this man at the beginning of January last year, our first date was a couple weeks after Christmas. We were chatting over Christmas last year (online dating) but obviously gift giving wasn’t an issue.
We’re still together now, and I love him. It’s been an amazing year with how well we get on and how much fun we have. I’ve never laughed so much with anyone before, and he seems to really care about how I’m feeling etc.
Our birthday is in the same month, his a couple weeks before mine, so I got him a gift and then he got me one.

We’ve just talked about Christmas, and he’s said that he isn’t really into gifts. He feels weird receiving them as a middle aged man (whatever that means) and he struggles to choose gifts for others (except the birthday give he chose for me was perfect). So, he just wants to do dinner and a nice night rather than gifts.

The thing is, I’m not OK with that. I had kids when I was young (22 and 23), I split with my kid’s dad when our youngest was 6 weeks old. I dated a little bit but had two young kids and a business to build so I then didn’t take for 9 years. I was celibate for 9 years and obviously no man bought me a gift or anything for years. I started dating a few years ago and met lots of men but this one stuck, so I’m not clinging onto the first guy who looked at me. I’ve been out there a lot, and he is my choice. But I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to give me a Christmas or birthday gift again. I’ve already compromised; we have very different sex drives and he only wants to do it once or twice a month so that was my compromise. And now I have to compromise here too?

I love him. Everything about us is perfect except for the sex drives but we talked that out… and now this. I haven’t had a man care about me about enough to buy me a gift for over a decade and I just want him to care enough that he will.

What do I do? I can’t tell him he has to, then it’s all fake. So this is what ends us? Just feeling very upset. Over a stupid gift giving nonsense.

Do you know the love languages book OP? Would this be a neutral way into the conversation? Gifts aren't his love language so he doesn't get how important they are to you. It's actually fine and great if you explain how much they mean and he responds to that- it's not an obligation, it's because he wants to please you and then understands this is an important part of that.

"Everything about us is perfect except for..."

So, everything isn't perfect then. The low sex drive and not bothering with gifts are maybe in the same camp of 'low motivation'.

You're still in the honeymoon phase of your relationship. It will almost certainly go downhill from here (because most relationships do) and you may find that, more important than Christmas gifts, the lack of sex starts to become a significant issue (especially when a few more cracks inevitably appear in the relationship as you get to know each other).

Talk to him about Christmas. I'd suggest that if he can't compromise enough to even get you a couple of gifts, you should consider how flexible he's going to be, long term.

Well, you want what you want and that's ok. DP doesn't do Christmas really but he buys me a little gift because I like that. If I didn't do gifts but DP liked gifts then I'd buy him one too. It's a relationship not a one-upmanship so what's the big deal? Are you sure you and your DP are compatible?

The gift issue is minor, the sex issue is major.

Read/get him to read The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman

For you, it's still important to be bought gifts as to you it would be an expression of his love towards you.

For him it's unimportant- maybe he values other things like spending time together more

You both need to show love in different ways, according to how your partner needs to feel valued and appreciated. Maybe he could take the time to buy them for you, and if he doesn't want them himself, you treat him to that meal?

I’m the odd one out here but this wouldn’t bother me at all! He’s not expecting you to buy for him & him not. He’s just not into gifts. He wants to pool the money & go out together instead, I think this is fine & very sensible. Your gift is time spent!

Finding someone halfway decent in middle age is like finding a needle in a haystack.

I would not end it over gifts. Might end it over lack of sex, though.

I had a similar issue with my boyfriend. He said let's not do presents, let's just go out got a meal. But I'd had many years of marriage where ExH rarely bought me presents, or even a birthday card. Because he didn't have time to shop / didn't like presents / gave me money, so I could just buy whatever I wanted. This all left me feeling very unappreciated, because ExH never considered how I feel about this, only how he felt. So I said to boyfriend actually, I'd really like to do presents, because I've had so many years of not doing that and I'd really like things to be different with us. But I don't want it to be a whole big shopping deal, so let's just make it something fun and cheap. That's what we've done and it's been great. It was a new thing for me to speak openly about my feelings but it's worked out very well.

This just isn’t working. A year in. Mismatched sex drives and you already resent his attitude to presents, as is your right.

DP and I don't do presents. We realised we were on the same page about that very early on - personally I'm just not keen on accumulating more physical stuff, I spend more time trying to get rid of it. Anything I want I can buy for myself, and I'm more likely to know what my exact preference is. However what we both very much like is being taken out to a fancy dinner, so that's what we've done for each other every birthday.

The presents thing has inevitably slipped a bit but neither of us have any wish to place any importance on it so Xmas gifts tend to be jokey (an oven glove with penguins on it!) or functional (a hot water bottle for when I WFH in winter... that was a damn good present actually).

So for me, I can't really understand thinking presents are that significant. I guess it's not my love language or something. But I'd really struggle with a partner who really wanted me to go to town with gifts - it'd be really stressful and I'd be annoyed if I got it wrong. People are hard to buy presents for! Especially those you love! I'm hard to buy for (unless you're giving me food) and I wouldn't want anyone to go through that.

It's incompatibility in the end. You can't change a gift-giver into someone who can ignore them, or vice versa. So it comes down to whether you can accept this in him or not.

My husband and sometimes may get something for each other but rarely not, I am fine with no gifts I am not fine with the constant suggestion of a book for every single thing to wipe out anything another does not agree on, if someone says they don't like the colour yellow I am sure there is a book someone will suggest on it

So, I don’t want him to go to town on gifts. I don’t even mean physical gifts. But, I do the organising. He’ll look up stuff he thinks I’d like, he is very active is seeing what’s on and what I would enjoy but then I do the booking and stuff. That’s mostly because I have kids so he doesn’t want to pick the wrong date. But he also knows my parents will have the kids literally any time so he could, once in a while, book something and surprise me. That’s the sort of gift I mean.
There’s a thing I want to do and I’ve mentioned it a few times but it’s only on during a time he has a martial arts class… he could book that and take a miss from his class and surprise me for Christmas (which is a drop in and runs twice s week and he goes both times so not a big deal).

I don’t need junk or “stuff.” But just something which he takes full control of sorting out, booking etc. He could order my favourite wine from the country I was born in, you can’t buy it here so I import it sometimes. And he knows that.

I just want him to make an effort for the occasion I guess. I don’t care what it is. But “let just have a cosy night in and some dinner” doesn’t cut it.

OP, it sounds like he's not making much of an effort, all round (not just with Christmas). You may well end up like I did in my last relationship - organising and sorting everything (as well as doing all the driving). Eventually, I felt very angry, resentful and pissed off wishing he'd just take the reins sometimes.

He doesn't want to buy gifts as you are a companion not a proper girlfriend. Buying gifts crosses the line for him in the relationship status.

You're being held at arms length but are too blind to see it.

okay, as someone who is not into gifts, I struggle to get the angst. You only have to look at the million threads on here every birthday/mother's day/christmas to realise that most people (maybe even moreso most men) aren't very good at buying gifts.

So there's a fairly high chance he will buy you something you don't like, which will be a waste of his money, and a disappointment to you, which at best will bring your mood down on christmas day because you've bigged up this lovely perfect present which will show you how much you mean to him....and you end up with lingerie two sizes too small or a book you've already read, and at worst leads to a row when you've spent £100 buying thoughtful personalised gifts for him and he's spent £20 last minute on generic crap from the supermarket for you. You have to hide your disappointment and put a brave face on it, he's grumpy that he did what you wanted despite not wanting to himself and you're still not happy.

There's a smaller chance that he buys you something that is perfectly okay but something you could have just bought yourself anyway. And maybe a 1% chance that he does pull off the perfect, most thoughtful present...but then every year after you'll be disappointed!

Your most recent post has explained your view a little bit better although I still really don't see the point if it's enforced, but why don't you just say that to him? 'Okay let's not buy each other gifts but instead we'll each book an activity to do together sometime in the next year. Here's my mum's mobile so you can double check she can do childcare, and here are the only days I can't do, other than that go for it.'

Agree with this. Tbh I’m not into Christmas or birthdays at all so if probably give a sigh of relief it a man didn’t want to exchange gifts but once a month sex - no way! I’d rather be single

I’m not big into gifts. The charity shops do well in the new year out of the tat that people throw their way.
But the sex is an issue on both sides. You struggle with the fact that he doesn’t want sex, and he almost certainly struggles with the fact that you do. So maybe that’s where you need to find the middle ground.

I’m the one in the relationship with the low sex drive, dp would have sex daily if he could, whereas it honestly wouldn’t bother me if I never had sex again. This has been brought about by medication for a serious health condition, and DP constantly saying things like “but you used to …” leads to resentment on my part, and I’m sure he doesn’t like being turned down. My compromise is that I do it once a week, and no, I don’t enjoy it, but relationships are about compromise.

Are you he won't agree to small gifts?? If he hates deciding then give him loads of ideas as to what he can get you.

OK, OP.

I haven't read other responses because the nonsense people come out with on threads like this really irritate me!

I don't do presents. I don't feel comfortable receiving them and I don't like choosing them for others.

My exh was very much a gift person. He liked to shop for and buy presents and liked to receive gifts in return. It became a huge problem because I simply don't enjoy ant element of the gifting process (either as the giver or the receiver).

People have probably suggested talking to him to explain how important it is to you or called him selfish and you should state what you expect. Tbh, it would really annoy me and I'd find it very stressful if someone wanted to talk about my gift giving/receiving stance! I would feel manipulated into a compromise. I still wouldn't be a good gift giver and I still wouldn't enjoy receiving them.

What my exh and I agreed to do was to do things and make Christmas traditions in lieu of gift giving. Or we'd plan to do something together later in hhe year. That sort of thing.

But if you try to get someone who 'doesn't do presents' to 'do presents', you'll be setting you both up to fail in the relationship. Either find an alternative way of celebrating or find a new man.

I would say, oh just to let you know i really want to get you a gift, I like to buy for loved ones, it makes me so happy picking something and thinking of them.... You don't have to get me one of course, I don't buy to receive. But thought I'd let u know as I wouldn't want u to feel bad on the day etc...(not that u should)i would still love to do something with u as i love spending time with u too....then hopefully on the day he will get one. You have to say how you feel I think and why u want to... But dont get upset if he doesnt as he has aired how he feels. Everyone has different thoughts and expectations and that's ok!

I would say . 'Gifts are important to me as a part of showing love and appreciation in a relationship. I understand they are not important to you. I would like to compromise and get a gift each as we did for birthdays.'

But with that and the sex issues you may need to consider the longevity of this relationship

I broadly agree with this- it's is not a 'throw him back' moment imo.

How about suggesting your presents are tickets for an experience for 2025? Tell him there's something you want to take him to and you like the idea of sharing some kind of exchange and plans as part of your Christmas together? I know it does dull the shine a little to have to tell him, but this doesn't look like a deal breaker to me.

Truly, nobody and nothing is perfect. You love him and love being with him. Christmas gifts make him cringe
and you like them, but the relationship is great in other ways. This is only a deal breaker if you make it one.

That was just what it was like with my ExH. He would only do things he wanted to do. At the start, I thought this showed we had a mature relationship of two free spirits who respected each other's autonomy. As the years went on I felt it was because he had low empathy, so his feelings were very real to him, but mine were not. I was so focused on trying to make him happy, but he wouldn't alter his routine occasionally for my happiness. He didn't really have the concept of 'self-sacrifice' in a relationship in even small ways to make the other person happy. There's an article on the 'We do what we want' marriage and why it doesn't work well long-term by Dr Samantha Rodman Whiten - may be worth reading to see if it might inform your situation.

PP who say "I wouldn't mind this - gifts are crap anyway, and a lower sex drive doesn't matter" really illustrate that you are not very compatible with this man, though plenty of others might be. Compatibility is about enjoying giving and receiving love in similar ways, so that you can both easily make the other feel loved. Giving thoughtful gifts is a way of being romantic, showing that you are focused on the relationship and are prepared to put thought and effort into doing something nice for your partner. Some people don't want that and find it claustrophobic, others do - it's not right or wrong, but if your attitudes are vastly different then one or the other of you will always feel dissatisfied.

Same with the sex. I agree with PP that the sex drive disparity is important. It can feel like a shameful secret for women when your partner doesn't desire you as often as you'd like. Sex is the only thing that you can only do with your partner, so nobody else can make you feel connected in that way. It feels like constant rejection and being starved of affection.

There are plenty of women who don't find sex or thoughtful gifts that important, who could be happy with this man - but you are not one of them.

This article on Key areas of compatibility for second marriages discusses how the things which matter change from when you're young and hoping to have kids, compared to when you're older, wiser, not planning any more kids. Frankly, in mid-life, if you want a relationship it's for companionship and fulfilment, not because your ovaries are driving you to have babies! So having the right emotional connection is really important second time around, because without the bond of shared kids, what will tie you together longer - term?