First Christmas with boyfriend coming up and he doesn’t do presents?

[Ivehearditbothways]

I first met this man at the beginning of January last year, our first date was a couple weeks after Christmas. We were chatting over Christmas last year (online dating) but obviously gift giving wasn’t an issue.
We’re still together now, and I love him. It’s been an amazing year with how well we get on and how much fun we have. I’ve never laughed so much with anyone before, and he seems to really care about how I’m feeling etc.
Our birthday is in the same month, his a couple weeks before mine, so I got him a gift and then he got me one.

We’ve just talked about Christmas, and he’s said that he isn’t really into gifts. He feels weird receiving them as a middle aged man (whatever that means) and he struggles to choose gifts for others (except the birthday give he chose for me was perfect). So, he just wants to do dinner and a nice night rather than gifts.

The thing is, I’m not OK with that. I had kids when I was young (22 and 23), I split with my kid’s dad when our youngest was 6 weeks old. I dated a little bit but had two young kids and a business to build so I then didn’t take for 9 years. I was celibate for 9 years and obviously no man bought me a gift or anything for years. I started dating a few years ago and met lots of men but this one stuck, so I’m not clinging onto the first guy who looked at me. I’ve been out there a lot, and he is my choice. But I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to give me a Christmas or birthday gift again. I’ve already compromised; we have very different sex drives and he only wants to do it once or twice a month so that was my compromise. And now I have to compromise here too?

I love him. Everything about us is perfect except for the sex drives but we talked that out… and now this. I haven’t had a man care about me about enough to buy me a gift for over a decade and I just want him to care enough that he will.

What do I do? I can’t tell him he has to, then it’s all fake. So this is what ends us? Just feeling very upset. Over a stupid gift giving nonsense.

Hey John

been thinking about Christmas and actually I do like gift giving and giving and receiving gifts. It’s important to me. I’m happy to put a price limit on it and happy to get one ‘nice gift’ and one ‘funny gift’ and go out to dinner but although I’m not up for spending a fortune a gift a few times a year that is well thought out makes me feel valued and appreciated 🤷‍♀️easy no

What effort is he making? It sounds as if you organise everything and he just tags along.

or is it the case that even if it doesn’t float his boat he researches, finds things you like and takes the initiative to book them?

As I get older I care less about gifts too.

seems a shame to end it if he shows love in other ways - like going to concerts, being your plus 1 etc

can you instead do a special Xmas shopping day together and buy nice things together or for yourself? London, cocktails, browse expensive shops and pick out things you want for yourselves? Seems a more adult way to do things really.

I bloody love Christmas and go all out with food, entertaining, decoration, getting dressed up and to an extent, the gifting although budgetary constraints limit somewhat. My DH grew up in a family where Christmas Day was no different to any Sunday except a small gift for the children (pub, roast dinner & TV) Very low key boring imo and I had to make it clear early on that there is no way I'm cancelling Christmas. Over the years we have evolved and it's definitely more low key than I grew up with but feels like a good compromise and works for us both.
Don't keep quite on this one - I'd feel so sad if I missed Christmas

It wouldn't do for me I'm afraid . I love the whole gift giving and receiving . Choosing gifts to me is not just the actual gift but the show of appreciation, love etc . Imagine when everyone in your circle or work says what did he get you and you have to say nothing , not great and people won't think much of him .

Sorry meant to add, nowadays it's less about big gifts which I do agree is vulgar and unnecessary, but we do still make a big thing of Christmas and make more effort with gifts - so a homemade hamper or things we actually need or an item for the house to share, nice wine etc.

What's sweet about it!? I find it quite sad that gifts are so important. And that time together in a special way isn't precious, enjoyable, appreciatable or "worth enough" effort or money.

It's the thought you are missing rather than the actual gift I think. You want him to see something no matter how small and think that you'd like it.

Or maybe a weekend away rather than just dinner because you do that alot.

I've got too much stuff (I think) but there is still something I'd like for Christmas (replacement perfume mostly) or someone to cook!

I know loads of adults who don’t do gift giving.

Why have the pressure of having to buy someone something just because society (aka the shops) say that’s what you should do.

As adults you should buy yourself something if you want it.

I have never bought gifts for a partner and vice versa.
Instead we would do things that are free eg massages, cooking dinner for each other, sexy photos, making a cake etc.

I never had much money and I never wanted to feel like I had to keep up just to prove something and then try and outdo the next year etc.

Your boundary can be whatever you want it to be but I do find it quite sad that you base his feelings towards you around him buying you gifts.

Its only been a short relationship and so I assume you’re not seeing each other on Xmas day anyway if you’ve got your kids.

So I personally would enjoy Xmas with your kids as normal and do gift giving and then see him on a different day and do what he suggests.

We are all different but this is absolutely something I would compromise on and I think it would be a shame for you to end your relationship over this.

See how you feel in 6 months time and if you’re still unhappy with it, then rethink the relationship.

You can sort both the lack of sex and the gift-giving issues here OP: ask him to gift you a Womanizer toy 🤣🤣

(Joking. Maybe.)

Have you read the threads on here at Christmas when people are so disappointed in the gifts they are given, or have to buy and wrap their own gifts from their husband?

My friend is never bought a gift by her husband of 35 years who she loves, and he loves her. She would love a Christmas present but he isn't into it. The wonderful marriage makes up for it I imagine.

However, you could just explain why it's important to you, like you have in the thread, and ask him to give it a try this year, see if he likes it.

This. ^ You clearly have issues with this @Ivehearditbothways or you wouldn't have posted about it. I would struggle with a man who CBA with gift buying. It's a get out clause, and an excuse for him to not be arsed to bother spending time looking for anything for you.

The relationship sounds like a bit of a drag truth be told. I bet he doesn't want a Christmas tree up either. Anything that you want you will always end up doing/arranging yourself - and him being a decade older is going to be an issue as I reckon you will end up being his carer, and he won't lift a finger to do anything himself.

Along with the reluctance to shag, it all just sounds like a relationship I would NOT want to be in. He will be right off sex within 5 years. It's a hard NO from me.

Choochoo21 · Today 18:03

I know loads of adults who don’t do gift giving.
Why have the pressure of having to buy someone something just because society (aka the shops) say that’s what you should do.

But the OP isn't happy with it. It's no good if one partner CBA with gift giving, and the other one wants to do it. OP and her partner aren't compatible.

Is this really about birthday and Christmas presents ?

You've met a man who treats you decently and will go places with you, that you enjoy.

You go out to restaurants regularly.

You've both spoken about the sex issue so that's really positive.

You'd really want to end your relationship because he doesn't buy you presents !

If you cant accept this isn't important to him, then end the relationship.

Not sure why birthday gifts is ok but Christmas isn’t?

if everything else is ok, then why not just make a new Christmas tradition together?

I loathe present buying for the sake of it at Christmas. I have asked my partner for several years if we can just go away and do something together. Or have experiences throughout the year that we maybe plan (roughly) at Christmas.

Every year he agrees. And buys me things instead that although well meaning aren’t things in need or want. I have a wardrobe full of clothes. All the make up and fragrances I need. More jewellery than I’ll ever wear.. then I have guilt because I haven’t bought him big gifts to unwrap.

he however also forgets my request for experiences (free or paid) and we are stuck in that cycle. Like you @Ivehearditbothways he feels that giving gifts at Christmas is a necessity.

I’ve got him a year round real ale beer subscription that he gets an excited about each month. Planned visits to little and unusual festival visits in UK and abroad, got us spa days, taken us on walks and excursions to things I think he’ll like..

I want experiences and memories together not clutter.

Just tell him that Christmas isn't Christmas without a gift under the tree and agree on a limit. Can't believe that you are considering ending it over something so trivial. Unless you want to, of course.

I think, if your relationship is as good as you think it is, it shouldn't be an issue for you to say to him that, whilst HE may not "do" Christmas, you do.
Tell him how you feel. That someone taking the time to pick out the perfect gift for you means the world. Reassure him that he bought a wonderful present for your birthday and it's not the money but the effort, especially if it doesn't come naturally to him, that counts. If he is as good as you think he is he will take that on board.
A relationship is about compassion, compromise and putting the other first. Rather than look at this as a flaw look at it as a chance for him to demonstrate how he feels. If he still insists on no presents then you know where you stand.

That is true. I guess it’s just that I know when I do, he’ll say that we will do gifts then but I know he doesn’t want to. So it’s just performative at that point and not really worth it. So i’m upset that it might be over and putting the conversation off maybe.

I find this interesting, because I genuinely HATE buying gifts for people, I find the whole process really stressful. The only thing worse is people buying me gifts because I find that really awkward as well (as you can imagine I love Christmas and birthdays 🤣)

People don't know of course because I buy gifts and receive them graciously, but the reality is the only reason that people don't consider it 'performative' with me is because I have never actually had the guts to come out and say I'd rather not bother.

If relationships are about compromise and compassion, why does this mean 'so he must buy you a thoughtful present'? That's not compromise, it's going with what OP wants.

Banging on about how thoughtful it must be and how important it is because the gift shows that he values you will just heap pressure on and most likely make him hate doing it even more

If you really relate the value of your relationship to gifts, then this really boils down to a compatibility issue

I know someone who got around the present issue with a cheese box, selected by him a couple of days before at La Fromagerie and presented nicely to her on Christmas morning. She doesn't know what's coming every year, so enjoys the surprise, he loves cheese and being in control of his little Xmas job, and they both share in front of Christmas telly together with a bit of port or sticky wine.
It's a slight reframe I know, but could something along those lines work for you guys?

I would imagine sex thing is something he cant really control or change; but getting you and your kids a gift for Christmas is surely not that difficult, if its so important to you? He can get you a Birthday present ok, so what's the deal - is he tight? I s it about you or your kids?

Somehow, he doesn't sound like much of a catch, sorry.

@Ivehearditbothways Similar to this, I was thinking about whether he or you are okay with Christmas stockings? That may be a way to transfer "big gift giving" anxiety/resistance to a more fun framing? It doesn't have to be tat but it might be nice to get 3 – 5 smaller and lower commitment gifts that are still nicely thought through. How does that sound? Would he like that?

He says it was 'stressful choosing gifts'

Well I have to agree tbh. He's defo got a point.

Talk to him and tell him you want to feel special with a little gift from him and you want to give him something special too. That it's really important to you.

If you don't want a physical thing, you could ask him if he'd be up for giving you particular gig or theatre tickets or something?

Or choose a few things you like and give him links so he knows what to get. That would take the stress out if it. Here's five things I like a lot and I'd be really happy with one from you. None are over £20. Kind of thing.

I don't know if you like jewellery but I always ask for particular charms for mine. They are on eBay, not expensive and easy for friends to buy me.

Can you drill down into what about the gift giving us so important to you? It's not the gift itself, you've said you're financially secure so can buy yourself whatever you need. Is it the thoughtfulness? Someone knowing what you'd like? Being able to show other people your relationship based on gifts?

I'd think about what it is you really need from the gift giving process and see if he provides that in other ways.

Does he ever bring spontaneous presents like a bar of chocolate/flowers/a book he knows you'd like/something you need etc? Something that shows he's been thinking about you.