What pushed your partner to propose?

[deliciouslytwo]

This is probably your typical post of 'woman who does too much and man who doesn't seem to appreciate it all that much'.

I'm 27F, my partner is 35M (turning 36 in a few weeks). There's about 9 years between us. We've been together 18 months. We've lived together 'officially' since July, but have practically lived together since the beginning of the relationship, so there haven't been any real changes since July.

He has a young son from a previous relationship that ended when she cheated. Before this, he was married and divorced, a relationship that again was ended due to his ex-wife cheating. He has a lot of trauma from this but he'd been single from long-term/serious relationships for about 3 years when I met him, and had also been in therapy.

Essentially: I do a lot, I feel like I'm doing wife duties on a girlfriend salary.

I've embraced his son, who is here 3/4 weekends a month (due to distance), helped with custody fights/documents (problems of neglect with mum) - both emotionally and financially, transformed my office into an (amazing, Pinterest inspired) bedroom for him, and do 95% of the cooking/cleaning/laundry/bins etc.

The latter point is mostly because we just have different 'standards' when it comes to doing things - I like to live in a fairly pristine environment, while my partner can deal with mess accumulating for a week or so and so doesn't feel the same urgency. E.g. I think dusting the skirting boards is important because they turn 'black' pretty quickly, he probably would never even consider dusting them and definitely doesn't notice when I do it.

We essentially function as a 'married couple' day to day, and I think I'm starting to grow a little resentful. A lot of my friends are now married/engaged/having children, and I feel a bit stuck, sort of like I'm playing wife/happy families and looking after a child that he's had with someone else. Meanwhile, I really want marriage and my own kids.

We had a bit of an argument a few weeks ago. He went out drinking with some friends and came back tipsy. I asked him about his timeline (innocently, we were watching MAFS!) and he said he hadn't really thought about it. I said that was disappointing (I was gutted internally), as he'd previously mentioned the 2 year point being a good time. He then started rambling a bit about his fears with marriage - that he had a bad experience before (fine, I get it), and that he has lots of worries - me cheating, for example, like his wife did. This was so wildly off-base and unfair (there was a heavy implication that I would somehow be capable of that), I've never given any hint or reason for this, and led to a pretty nasty argument over the following days.

He basically said that he wishes we were married already, that he hates the pressure, that he wants to marry me and always has (true - he said a few months in I wouldn't be waiting long), that I'm his person, etc. I just don't get why all the waiting around for something he says is 'inevitable'.

I can feel my fertility clock ticking. I've had past issues with fibroids (had a very large one removed via c-section in 2022), which means my fertility is a bit of a question mark. I'm not sure how much scar tissue is there (and so whether I can even carry a pregnancy), or if the fibroids will come back and I'll need more surgery before waiting 18 months for my uterus to heal - only to lead to more scarring. It's a bit messy.

He's said he's happy to stop preventing a pregnancy whenever I'm comfortable. I said ok, but if we do that before marriage, the baby is having my surname until we marry. He said no, and that we'll wait and do things properly then.

He gave a timeline when we resolved the argument of next June. This just makes me feel a bit sad though, like it's edging towards a 'shut up' ring. I'll be 28 in June, 29 when we marry, and then who knows how long it will take to get pregnant and give birth. Probably at least another 2 years - which all pushes me over 30. I always wanted to have kids before turning 30, so it's sad to have to manage my expectations. In the meantime, I just have to keep playing wife and looking after his child with someone else - which is really beginning to hurt my heart.

I'd love some advice, and maybe if anyone can relate, to hear your own stories.

Thank you!

Honestly, I think all you can do is lay out your expectations, have a mental deadline and stick to it. Oh and be a girlfriend again.

Although, I strongly reject your idea that doing most of the housework/childcare is a wife duty anyway. He needs to pull his weight.

My DH didn't need pushing into marriage. Good men, who are ready, don't. His proposal was actually a surprise, ring and all, after we'd been together a year.

Thanks for this!

Yeah, I didn't word it well - that's just the phrasing I've seen online and haven't questioned it as I should have.

How do I step back and become a 'girlfriend' again without it seeming like I'm checking out/pushing him away?

I wouldn’t waste any more time or energy on this man. I would move on and find someone with less baggage who will make you happy.

If he doesn't want to get married yet (which I think subconsciously he doesn't reading between the lines on your post) , you cant push him into it. The more you push the more you will push him to not do it.
We could be wrong and it could also be that he has a plan in his head that he wants to go through before he proposes.

18 months is really nothing in the larger picture. I have friends who have been together 15 years with 2 kids, a house etc and they aren't married yet. She doesn't push as she knows it will happen eventually (we expect a surprise we are married announcement). He has a goal in his head to get to before he proposes.
She is happy with that and has all protections in place in case anything was to happen (like mumsnetters always tell you to have if you aren't married)

Easy to say but I really do love him, and I really care for his son too. I've never felt this loved or secure with someone. I don't doubt that he loves me, but it's true there's a lot of baggage there - more than I've written above to be honest. On the balance of things though, I always come back to the decision that he is worth it.

Thanks for this.

Yeah, I don't think he does either. I've made a promise to myself not to bring it up again or initiate any conversations myself around it.

18 months is definitely short, I just feel at our ages (and his in particular), he should at least know what he wants. He's made comments about how he already struggles to play on the floor with his son, and how he doesn't want a large age gap (his son is almost 5) between future siblings, but it really seems like if that's the case then he hasn't put much thought into things at all.

I just want a bit of excitement/enthusiasm!

What does he do that makes you feel loved, secure and cared for?

This is going to sound ridiculously smug - but I didn’t have to wonder, ever, because DH proposed a) when we’d only been going out for 9 months and b) when we were still very young. I was 22 and he was 26. He wanted to. With my friends, that seems to have been the pattern - no one was hanging on for a proposal. I think the difference here is that you’re with someone who is very much not on his first serious relationship, and is therefore wary and has a lot of baggage. Do you want to live with that, or would you prefer to cut your losses and hold out for someone with a rosier outlook? Not necessarily someone on their first relationship, but someone whose attitude to marriage is more hopeful/joyous.

Nothing ‘pushed him to propose’. I didn’t in the least want to get married, and turned him down several times. Then again, I didn’t behave like my DP’s human service animal, which you appear to be doing. And which is totally counter-productive, as you’re discovering. End this, grow some self-respect, and don’t live with someone again until you’ve stopped people-pleasing.

I'd take a step back and focus on what you do have. I get it though. I assumed after we brought a house we we instantly get engaged. That didn't happen. Then I had a 2 year wait from engagement to wedding. Its hard when it is what you want but not what they want.

He's struggling at 35!!! Really? My DH is 38 and has no issues rolling about the floor with our 2.5 and 7 year old.

Just focus on the phase you are in. Are you still not in the honeymoon phase of going out for dinner? Having date nights when is DS is at his mums etc?

No idea we spoke of marriage and then one day he proposed

Nothing “pushed” him, certainly not me.
He proposed after being together for 6 months because he loved me and wanted to marry me.

If you are having to coax and cajole him into proposing, that in itself doesn’t bode well for a healthy and equal marriage.

But a healthy and equal marriage isn’t what you’d have anyway, because you don’t have a healthy and equal relationship now.

You need to ask yourself why being married is such an important goal to you to you’re willing to marry someone who will be a useless husband and father.

This. Your standards are on the floor.

He is dictating your life OP and it's stopping you from doing what you want. You can't have a kid on your own terms unless you're married and you can't get married because he refuses to commit.

Frankly he's got himself a very comfortable deal. How would you feel if you were still in the same position in a few years and then found that children are no longer an option for you? This has big implications.

Oh OP, if you were my daughter I’d be so sad. I cannot believe that at 25 you settled for someone who had already been married and had a child. You have your pick of the bunch when you are in your 20’s - why on earth would you settle for a man who only wanted a convenient nanny and housekeeper? Why on earth are you minding his son and why on earth did you redecorate your office for him??

Did he move in to your home?

Please, listen to your gut instinct , he’s just not that into you and you should tell him to move out and find yourself a man with no baggage.

And by the way, there is no such thing as a soulmate, there are 8 billion people on this planet, there are plenty of men who would marry you in a heartbeat, who have no baggage.

The housework issue would bother me. Surely you'll feel serious resentment soon if not already?

When you have a child, he seems the type to make you the default parent...

All needs sorting out first. Boring but crucial.

we talked about having kids, both wanted them, so I said I wanted to be married first, so we decided to get Married and set a date that evening.

to us OP sounds like you are being taken for a mug by a older guy who is playing you.

he loves himself and his kid mainly. I’d really think about what he brings you personally

Yep, who moved in with who?

To answer your question - I didn’t have too, he proposed after 3 months because he loved me and wanted ti be married

bluntly your DP has got it made already without having to make a legal commitment to you. You behave like a wife & provide childcare so why would he?

he is not in the same place as you - you want children, he’s already got one

honestly lovely if yoh really want marriage and children then I don’t think you’ll have this with him

He moved in with me. About two months before we met, I'd had an offer accepted on a two bed apartment (15 mins out of the city, by the sea). He was renting a 1-bed in the city centre. His lease was up in June so we decided he'd move in with me. He pays 50/50 - including half of the mortgage. It's set up in a way though that protects me financially (money for the mortgage comes out of my account, we each transfer a set amount into a separate joint account for bills) - so technically he pays a larger portion of the bills instead.

I'm in a different sort of relationship to you. I'm not waiting for my partner to propose. It would be a conversation between us, and I don't have any doubt that he would marry me if I seriously wanted that. It's not really in my interests to marry as I earn more than him and house & mortgage are in my name. We are TTC though and if successful I would consider marriage at that point.

In your case OP I would seriously consider your options. I have a friend who is very early 30s and was worried it would take a while to conceive. She ended up conceiving almost immediately and it's been a bit of a shock! The clinching factor there is that her bf is late 20s, so extremely fertile and healthy. Men's sperm def degrades as they get older and makes it harder to conceive.

Your current partner doesn't sound like good husband/father material at all. He's heading quickly towards 40 (my partner is 41 and I think we are struggling to conceive due to this), he is lazy around the house, he likely would be lazy with childcare too, he isn't accommodating your needs and feelings, and he has way too much paranoid emotional baggage. You've done so much for him, and he isn't giving you very much in return.

I think you're asking the wrong question (how to get him to propose) when you should be asking if he is the right man to be considering children with in the first place. You really should prioritise finding the right person whilst you are still so young and have good fertile years ahead of you.

To answer your thread title…I feel like I Pushed the actual proposal. We had been together 6years! Had talked about marriage and babies etc…there was also a 9 year age difference. I was 20 when we met, I can see why he waited but at about 24/25 I felt ready I suppose. And then everyone around us started getting engaged, one couple who had only been going out for a year! At that point I had a mental breakdown about it…he proposed the next day, said that was his plan, had no ring, hadn’t asked my dad. I still don’t really believe it was his plan to this day. Doesn’t really matter now…we are currently getting a divorce. 11years and 2children (who I wouldn’t swap for the world and I am thankful for. It’s sad really because he is a good man, I just lost the love and latterly the respect. A lot of little things and resentments that built up over the years, me not speaking my truth for a long time and our not so good communication all added to it. Anyway @deliciouslytwo i think if you have to push already then it’s not a great start. That’s just my opinion.

Yep, he'll talk his way through the next few years, wasting your time in the process. All talk and no action, stop listening to what he says and look at what he does.

Nothing 'pushed' my DH into proposing. He talked about marriage 7/8 months in. That was a little soon for me but we got engaged after 14 months and married a year after that.

This isn't a direct answer to your question (my current partner hasn't proposed because he's terrified of doing it and I am the one who is a bit leery of marriage.)

I didn't like this from your post: He's said he's happy to stop preventing a pregnancy whenever I'm comfortable. I said ok, but if we do that before marriage, the baby is having my surname until we marry. He said no, and that we'll wait and do things properly then.

He wants to have his cake and eat it. He is prepared to waste your time. This already is a bad sign - sorry.

I would decide for yourself what you are prepared to settle for long term and then set him a clear expectation, with a clear plan of what you will do if he's not on the same page. For example, you could say for your own life timeline you want to get married and have a child by x point; If he doesn't want the same, then you regrettably have to part ways.