Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What pushed your partner to propose?

138 replies

deliciouslytwo · 27/09/2024 12:05

This is probably your typical post of 'woman who does too much and man who doesn't seem to appreciate it all that much'.

I'm 27F, my partner is 35M (turning 36 in a few weeks). There's about 9 years between us. We've been together 18 months. We've lived together 'officially' since July, but have practically lived together since the beginning of the relationship, so there haven't been any real changes since July.

He has a young son from a previous relationship that ended when she cheated. Before this, he was married and divorced, a relationship that again was ended due to his ex-wife cheating. He has a lot of trauma from this but he'd been single from long-term/serious relationships for about 3 years when I met him, and had also been in therapy.

Essentially: I do a lot, I feel like I'm doing wife duties on a girlfriend salary.

I've embraced his son, who is here 3/4 weekends a month (due to distance), helped with custody fights/documents (problems of neglect with mum) - both emotionally and financially, transformed my office into an (amazing, Pinterest inspired) bedroom for him, and do 95% of the cooking/cleaning/laundry/bins etc.

The latter point is mostly because we just have different 'standards' when it comes to doing things - I like to live in a fairly pristine environment, while my partner can deal with mess accumulating for a week or so and so doesn't feel the same urgency. E.g. I think dusting the skirting boards is important because they turn 'black' pretty quickly, he probably would never even consider dusting them and definitely doesn't notice when I do it.

We essentially function as a 'married couple' day to day, and I think I'm starting to grow a little resentful. A lot of my friends are now married/engaged/having children, and I feel a bit stuck, sort of like I'm playing wife/happy families and looking after a child that he's had with someone else. Meanwhile, I really want marriage and my own kids.

We had a bit of an argument a few weeks ago. He went out drinking with some friends and came back tipsy. I asked him about his timeline (innocently, we were watching MAFS!) and he said he hadn't really thought about it. I said that was disappointing (I was gutted internally), as he'd previously mentioned the 2 year point being a good time. He then started rambling a bit about his fears with marriage - that he had a bad experience before (fine, I get it), and that he has lots of worries - me cheating, for example, like his wife did. This was so wildly off-base and unfair (there was a heavy implication that I would somehow be capable of that), I've never given any hint or reason for this, and led to a pretty nasty argument over the following days.

He basically said that he wishes we were married already, that he hates the pressure, that he wants to marry me and always has (true - he said a few months in I wouldn't be waiting long), that I'm his person, etc. I just don't get why all the waiting around for something he says is 'inevitable'.

I can feel my fertility clock ticking. I've had past issues with fibroids (had a very large one removed via c-section in 2022), which means my fertility is a bit of a question mark. I'm not sure how much scar tissue is there (and so whether I can even carry a pregnancy), or if the fibroids will come back and I'll need more surgery before waiting 18 months for my uterus to heal - only to lead to more scarring. It's a bit messy.

He's said he's happy to stop preventing a pregnancy whenever I'm comfortable. I said ok, but if we do that before marriage, the baby is having my surname until we marry. He said no, and that we'll wait and do things properly then.

He gave a timeline when we resolved the argument of next June. This just makes me feel a bit sad though, like it's edging towards a 'shut up' ring. I'll be 28 in June, 29 when we marry, and then who knows how long it will take to get pregnant and give birth. Probably at least another 2 years - which all pushes me over 30. I always wanted to have kids before turning 30, so it's sad to have to manage my expectations. In the meantime, I just have to keep playing wife and looking after his child with someone else - which is really beginning to hurt my heart.

I'd love some advice, and maybe if anyone can relate, to hear your own stories.

Thank you!

OP posts:
Wishimaywishimight · 27/09/2024 13:30

Beware of being a girlfriend of convenience OP. You provided a ready made home (bigger than his old one), do almost all cooking, cleaning and childcare (not even your child) - he has it made. What would he gain by marrying you if he is not driven to by his own feelings (which, it seems, he is not at present)?

SkaneTos · 27/09/2024 13:34

If you want to marry him, then you can propose to him.

TheLittleOldWomanWhoShrinks · 27/09/2024 13:39

We didn't have a 'proposal', we agreed to get married. I broached the subject first, but at that point (two years in; we were early 20s) it was already clear to both of us that this was for life. So the conversation went (pretty verbatim) 'we may as well get married now'.

Honestly, OP, it sounds as if you're trying to get the reward of marriage by proving what a good 'wife' you'll be ('wife' as in 'exists to revolve round husband and do everything for him'). He's got it bloody made and he can continue stringing you along citing his past experiences. The passivity, the putting your future in the hands of a man who's happy to exploit your hopes, your anxiety to fulfil the 'wife' role, are all so depressingly retrograde (sorry). I can't help feeling you're wasting your time with him. If he 'wants to be married already' it's very simple - lunchtime register office appointment with two witnesses from the office or off the street. No, he's enjoying you dancing around him while he doesn't have to commit - but God forbid you want to give any child your own name.

Crazyeight · 27/09/2024 13:43

Hmm two exes that cheated on him. I smell BS.

unmemorableusername · 27/09/2024 13:44

He has no reason to marry you.

He has all the perks of having a wife without any of the responsibilities.

Have you heard from independent sources about his exes cheating?

There will be 2 sides...

Don't give him any money or do any wife work until he's signed the marriage certificate.

Christmas is a good deadline.

Cynic17 · 27/09/2024 13:45

I don't think anything "pushed" him, he just chose to. But we had bought a house together about 3 months before, plus he graduated, so I guess they may have been factors in the timing.

PaminaMozart · 27/09/2024 13:52

Why would he want to marry you? He has got it made - what possible benefits would marriage bring him? On the contrary, given his relationship record, he would lose out if/when you divorce.

But why do you want to marry him? He is lazy now, he'll be lazy still if/when you have children. You'll end up working yourself to the bone or you'll cut your losses at that point and become a single mother.

Cut your losses and save yourself a lot of grief, would be my advice.

wp65 · 27/09/2024 13:54

PaminaMozart · 27/09/2024 13:52

Why would he want to marry you? He has got it made - what possible benefits would marriage bring him? On the contrary, given his relationship record, he would lose out if/when you divorce.

But why do you want to marry him? He is lazy now, he'll be lazy still if/when you have children. You'll end up working yourself to the bone or you'll cut your losses at that point and become a single mother.

Cut your losses and save yourself a lot of grief, would be my advice.

I'm afraid I agree with this.

I'm sorry, OP, and it's true that none of us have all the information you do, so only you can really judge. But from what you've posted, it does sound like he's lazy and takes you for granted. You're very young - you have time. You don't have to get married to this man.

username4214 · 27/09/2024 14:05

I'm not sure why you want to marry him as the red flags are already there. From your vague description, I'm guessing that you do the majority of cleaning and the grunt work regarding his son. You're 27 and your weekends are spent looking after someone else's child. Not only that but he sits back and lets you get on with it.

On top of that he's paranoid about cheating and doesn't want to commit. So not only would you end up with someone insecure with a lot of baggage, you'd be left to run the house and look after his child plus your own.

I look forward to your post on MN complaining about how exhausted you are and how your husband not only doesn't trust you but doesn't lift a finger.

Fifiesta · 27/09/2024 14:07

OP are you not tempted to get away for a break/holiday on your own?

It might give you some breathing space to do some uninterrupted thinking.
if you still can’t think clearly, try a pros and cons list, find out truthfully who is benefiting the most from your relationship- it doesn’t sound at all equal from your posts.

When you return there are several different possible endings. He might miss you and start to appreciate you.
He may modify his attitude for a short while and then relapse.
Or you may realise that life is more likely to offer better possibilities elsewhere.

Nosleepforthismum · 27/09/2024 14:23

I’d literally chuck him back OP. I don’t buy the whole “both my exes cheated on me for zero reason, boohoo” bullshit. He’s got it made hasn’t he? Moved into your new place, free childcare, all domestic duties done. What exactly does he do? Chuck a bit of money your way and lives the life of Riley from the sounds of it. Don’t let this preconceived idea of having kids before 30 tie you down to the wrong man.

MingingTiles · 27/09/2024 14:30

What exactly is he bringing to the relationship? You’re young with your own place, no baggage, willing to act an unpaid nanny/housekeeper. Meanwhile he’s lazy, old, too unfit to play with his own child, paranoid, low assets but a ton of baggage and won’t commit.

It’s not supposed to be this hard and you’re not supposed to have to push for a proposal.

GettingStuffed · 27/09/2024 14:35

I was pregnant and he wanted the baby to be born to a married couple. I asked him if he was sure.

Freshersfluforyou · 27/09/2024 14:39

deliciouslytwo · 27/09/2024 12:05

This is probably your typical post of 'woman who does too much and man who doesn't seem to appreciate it all that much'.

I'm 27F, my partner is 35M (turning 36 in a few weeks). There's about 9 years between us. We've been together 18 months. We've lived together 'officially' since July, but have practically lived together since the beginning of the relationship, so there haven't been any real changes since July.

He has a young son from a previous relationship that ended when she cheated. Before this, he was married and divorced, a relationship that again was ended due to his ex-wife cheating. He has a lot of trauma from this but he'd been single from long-term/serious relationships for about 3 years when I met him, and had also been in therapy.

Essentially: I do a lot, I feel like I'm doing wife duties on a girlfriend salary.

I've embraced his son, who is here 3/4 weekends a month (due to distance), helped with custody fights/documents (problems of neglect with mum) - both emotionally and financially, transformed my office into an (amazing, Pinterest inspired) bedroom for him, and do 95% of the cooking/cleaning/laundry/bins etc.

The latter point is mostly because we just have different 'standards' when it comes to doing things - I like to live in a fairly pristine environment, while my partner can deal with mess accumulating for a week or so and so doesn't feel the same urgency. E.g. I think dusting the skirting boards is important because they turn 'black' pretty quickly, he probably would never even consider dusting them and definitely doesn't notice when I do it.

We essentially function as a 'married couple' day to day, and I think I'm starting to grow a little resentful. A lot of my friends are now married/engaged/having children, and I feel a bit stuck, sort of like I'm playing wife/happy families and looking after a child that he's had with someone else. Meanwhile, I really want marriage and my own kids.

We had a bit of an argument a few weeks ago. He went out drinking with some friends and came back tipsy. I asked him about his timeline (innocently, we were watching MAFS!) and he said he hadn't really thought about it. I said that was disappointing (I was gutted internally), as he'd previously mentioned the 2 year point being a good time. He then started rambling a bit about his fears with marriage - that he had a bad experience before (fine, I get it), and that he has lots of worries - me cheating, for example, like his wife did. This was so wildly off-base and unfair (there was a heavy implication that I would somehow be capable of that), I've never given any hint or reason for this, and led to a pretty nasty argument over the following days.

He basically said that he wishes we were married already, that he hates the pressure, that he wants to marry me and always has (true - he said a few months in I wouldn't be waiting long), that I'm his person, etc. I just don't get why all the waiting around for something he says is 'inevitable'.

I can feel my fertility clock ticking. I've had past issues with fibroids (had a very large one removed via c-section in 2022), which means my fertility is a bit of a question mark. I'm not sure how much scar tissue is there (and so whether I can even carry a pregnancy), or if the fibroids will come back and I'll need more surgery before waiting 18 months for my uterus to heal - only to lead to more scarring. It's a bit messy.

He's said he's happy to stop preventing a pregnancy whenever I'm comfortable. I said ok, but if we do that before marriage, the baby is having my surname until we marry. He said no, and that we'll wait and do things properly then.

He gave a timeline when we resolved the argument of next June. This just makes me feel a bit sad though, like it's edging towards a 'shut up' ring. I'll be 28 in June, 29 when we marry, and then who knows how long it will take to get pregnant and give birth. Probably at least another 2 years - which all pushes me over 30. I always wanted to have kids before turning 30, so it's sad to have to manage my expectations. In the meantime, I just have to keep playing wife and looking after his child with someone else - which is really beginning to hurt my heart.

I'd love some advice, and maybe if anyone can relate, to hear your own stories.

Thank you!

Im really sorry OP but i suspect you are a glorified housekeeper/nanny and if you suddenly withdrew these services you might find he'd disappear quick 😢

Freshersfluforyou · 27/09/2024 14:41

And to answer your question. Nothing. I wasn't expecting the proposal as we'd not been together long but when you know you know. Married nearly 15 years now

User19876536484 · 27/09/2024 14:42

Nothing pushed my husband to propose. He just did it.

We hadn’t lived together or had any children.

SauviGone · 27/09/2024 14:44

Before he met you he didn't even have a bedroom for his child. Pathetic.

Then how wonderful, he meets a young financially solvent woman, who has just bought a 2 bedroomed apartment near the sea, and BOOM ...

we practically lived together since the beginning of the relationship

I'll bet you did, I bet he couldn't move in fast enough!

WhereIsMyLight · 27/09/2024 14:47

deliciouslytwo · 27/09/2024 12:19

Easy to say but I really do love him, and I really care for his son too. I've never felt this loved or secure with someone. I don't doubt that he loves me, but it's true there's a lot of baggage there - more than I've written above to be honest. On the balance of things though, I always come back to the decision that he is worth it.

Show quote history

Do you feel secure? You wrote this in your first post:
This just makes me feel a bit sad though, like it's edging towards a 'shut up' ring. I'll be 28 in June, 29 when we marry, and then who knows how long it will take to get pregnant and give birth. Probably at least another 2 years - which all pushes me over 30. I always wanted to have kids before turning 30, so it's sad to have to manage my expectations. In the meantime, I just have to keep playing wife and looking after his child with someone else - which is really beginning to hurt my heart.

Which part of that is you feeling secure?

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 27/09/2024 14:54

He proposed after 3 months. He loves me and wants to show the rest of the world that we belong together. Your guy I would suggest is future faking you. He's already doing the groundwork to say he's too old for more children. Cut your losses and find someone who truly appreciates and loves you.

Zephyry · 27/09/2024 14:59

So many issues that can only get worse when you add your own kids together in the mix. I would seriously reconsider. A man shouldn't need something to push him into marriage. He's actually telling you really if he's honest that he doesn't want marriage and.would like things to stay as they are, isn't he? Listen and take action

Saddteacher · 27/09/2024 15:03

MingingTiles · 27/09/2024 14:30

What exactly is he bringing to the relationship? You’re young with your own place, no baggage, willing to act an unpaid nanny/housekeeper. Meanwhile he’s lazy, old, too unfit to play with his own child, paranoid, low assets but a ton of baggage and won’t commit.

It’s not supposed to be this hard and you’re not supposed to have to push for a proposal.

I totally agree with this . The part that stood out was that at 35 he can’t play with his child for long . Is that who you want to have children with ?

WashableVelvet · 27/09/2024 15:10

No pushing. We were living together, been together 4/5 years, we owned a flat and had pensions and life insurance for each other. We decided we wanted children. I said was happy to do so married or unmarried but fancied getting married, if he was up for it too. He asked me a few months later.

Starlight1979 · 27/09/2024 15:16

I'd love some advice, and maybe if anyone can relate, to hear your own stories.

My advice? Calm the fuck down!!!

You're 27 years old FFS and you're already wishing your life away (if he proposes on X date, we'll get married in X year, try to get pregnant the year after....). Jesus!!!

I get that you have queries about your fertility but, with the greatest of respects and kindness, you will either be able to have children or you won't. You're panicking and stressing about your future and literally 10 years ago you were still a child!

In answer to your question regarding what pushed my partner to propose... I'm guessing him being in love with me and wanting to marry me? We mentioned the fact we wanted to get married and then a couple of months later he bought a ring and got down on one knee!

If someone wants to marry you, they will ask. No amount of "what can I do to make them see they want to marry me" is going to change that.

Foxblue · 27/09/2024 15:20
  • He's moved into your house, with his child, and children inevitably create more mess etc, yet he's not even meeting you in the middle for cleaning standards in YOUR house. If he was a good man, he'd be working with you to find a compromise, not just letting you do it all.
  • He's thrown out a reason to not get married as you might cheat on him - those two things are not connected, if he's worried you might cheat on him them why be in a relationship at all?
  • He's not happy with a child having your last name (it's not the 1950s any more) and he's be happy for you to take the physical, emotional and financial hit of carrying and birthing a baby... unless you don't give it his last name? That is not a man who wants to create a family with you. That's a man whose happy for you to have a baby and stick his name on it without any real commitment. And if baby doesn't get his last name, he no longer wants a baby? Then obviously he doesn't want a baby....

This is not the man for you. You deserve a man who wants to do things with you as a team, and this guy isn't it. He's happy for you to facilitate his life and his relationship with his son, but you aren't a team. He's showing you who he is with his actions.

Pistachiochiochio · 27/09/2024 15:24

deliciouslytwo · 27/09/2024 12:13

Thanks for this!

Yeah, I didn't word it well - that's just the phrasing I've seen online and haven't questioned it as I should have.

How do I step back and become a 'girlfriend' again without it seeming like I'm checking out/pushing him away?

Show quote history

Why would it be an issue for him to see you checking out?

You've invested loads more time, money and effort than this guy seems to have done.

Are you sure you want to marry HIM? Or do you just want to be getting married and having kids and worry that if you have to start again it will take too long (google "sunk cost fallacy").?

He won't get more proactive or less lazy. They don't.