My parter is hoarding and I’ve had enough of him, I’m not sure how to fix this!

[Rainbow03]

So long story short he moved from his house into mine with ALL is stuff as I became pregnant. His is rented out. I just want to say he is a good man but when it comes to this he is incredibly selfish.!

He has a giant shed, a garage, a large outside storage box, most the loft, his van is now a shed, half the spare room and drawers and cupboards every where stuffed full of shit so that I can’t use the house. I’ve repeatedly told him he needs to start getting rid of it because it’s not fair. I’m having to sell my stuff , I can’t store any of the kids stuff so now all the bedrooms are getting piles. He just can’t stop bringing stuff in. His face is like a child’s when he brings stuff he is so incredibly happy and it’s making me so incredibly unhappy. I want his stuff gone!!! I’m at a point in telling him that if that includes him also because he can’t be without it then so be it.

What do I do? I can’t stand all this stuff anymore, I want space, I want to store stuff. He doesn’t touch any of it, it’s just there taking room doing nothing.

This. That response to @LAMPS1 was the point at which I realised it is pointless.
The cost of the hoard really isn’t the issue here. And it’s the only thing OP picked up on. Not acknowledging any of the practical advice given by LAMPS and previous PP. Plus I bet he does pay more than OP knows. Sigh.

Feel so sorry for the DC in this situation.

As I said in my first post on this thread, I have a friend whose DH is a hoarder and has been for 40 years.
I have talked to her kindly and tried to help for the last 20 years and she still does nothing. I can not begin to tell you the shame, humiliation, guilt, stress and unhappiness she suffers because she can’t get him to get to grips with it all. She still tries. But he wont let anybody else do it. It’s now too late, it’s clearly beyond him and she is faced with dealing with it all, against this express wishes.

And I can’t begin to tell you either, how her personality has had to adapt and change too, in order to normalise it all and to pretend (lie) that all is well. The stress takes its toll in ways you wouldn’t necessarily expect !
She has never had the lovely home she deserves and has worked so hard for in her own career.

OP, the pasta isn’t free is it! You too, are starting out on the journey of making excuses and kidding yourself.
But I wish you well whatever you decide to do….if anything.

I do not mean to be annoying. I have ADHD myself so I’m struggling myself to understand.

@Rainbow03 you've had lots of advice, much of it excellent and considered and given with the best of intentions, but you don't owe anyone on here an impulse decision about what you're going to do next. Take the time you need, and plan carefully and as thoroughly as your own health and circumstances permit.

I wonder if your partner is also overwhelmed with the various life stresses he's juggling and acquiring junk is his comfort-seeking behaviour. I hope he's able to come round to seeing that it is a problem, and that you're able to work out a way between you of getting it under control if your relationship is otherwise good.

Thank you. I’m sure he is overwhelmed. He went from living on his own with his stuff to a family of 4 all making demands of him. He had to clear his house within months. It’s not easy with my health, the older child’s behaviour and a toddler with a death wish who I’m pretty sure given her hyperactivity will be ND herself. I’m spread so thinly with so little time to really plan and think. But I do know that I have really tried and given him the benefit of the doubt but I can’t live with his relationship to his stuff as it is. We need to have a deep conversation (something I’m not good with).

@Rainbow03
I have every idea, you're not the only one with a hard luck story. You got out one dreadful relationship and here you are in another, subjecting your kids to living in a hoard with a mentally ill man.
Is that your best decision?
Stop the hand wringing and woe is me and do the right thing for your children.

Without living my life and being me in my shoes you don’t know what the right decision is for me or my children. I appreciate all the advice. I asked for advice and I have had loads and now I have to make a plan.

OP you are getting a hard time here, and I’m sure that is adding to the stress you must be feeling. I hope you have found some of the posts helpful, and that the advice and shared experiences that many posters have given you have been helpful.

Only you can decide where you go from here. I think you know deep down that ultimately this set up is not healthy, and something will have to give. How that happens is entirely up to you, and what you are prepared to put up with.

In his own way I’m sure this man cares for you and the children very much. He is suffering from an illness like any other, and that affects the way he views life and deals with it. And I’m sure he is a very nice person. But his stuff will always come first with him. And you cannot change that. But just think about what would happen if your house was on fire. Would he risk his life to grab your children or his stuff?

I just want to say one brief thing OP. You don't NEED to understand why he does what he does - with all due respect that's for him and a therapist/psychologist to figure out. All you NEED to understand is the effect it's having on everyone, which appears to be a negative one other than the dopamine rush it's giving your partner whenever he acquires a new thing.

"Why is he doing this?" is a fairly redundant question in this situation. It doesn't matter why. What matters is the mental and physical wellbeing of you & your children which is not going to be improved in the slightest by his behaviour.

As I posted upthread, I live with a hoarder. You are focused on trying to get him to see your point of view and realise he is being unreasonable. Unfortunately, it doesn't matter how many rational conversations you have with him about it, this won't make him change. It's an illness, and you wont be able to reason with him. The only thing that might possibly help is specific therapy, although it's not always successful with hoarders. He is not going to magically wake up one morning and realise that you were right and deal with his stuff. You could try to persuade him to go for an autism assessment but this won't do anything to support him with his hoarding issue.

The only way we have managed it as I said upthread is that there are certain areas I have accepted are dedicated to his stuff. These are largely out of my sight and I don't need to use them. We've been together 20 years and I can live with not needing to go in the garage, shed or loft. However, if you want your DH to clear space he has already filled you're on a hiding to nothing. Realistically your only other options are ending the relationship or continuing it while living apart.
.

His stuff is screaming in your face every second of the day and night. I call it Visual Noise - and constantly having it yelling at you makes you unable to think straight and see what it - and he - is doing to you. He's shouting you down with visual noise and the wriggling and giggling because it's distressing you so much.

He's got all the power, all the control and every new addition to the Stuff is another deliberate attack upon you. It's the physical manifestation of his power and ownership over you and, more importantly to him, your house. It's his now; it belongs to him and his Stuff.

He's got all the power, all the control and every new addition to the Stuff is another deliberate attack upon you. It's the physical manifestation of his power and ownership over you and, more importantly to him, your house. It's his now; it belongs to him and his Stuff.

I don't agree. I don't think it's a power trip, it's an addiction.

I don’t agree with the posters who make him out to be abusive or controlling. It maybe how I’ve portrayed it or how it’s perceived but it’s not my experience of it or how I feel about my situation. I’m very loud and outspoken really, not very submissive in the house. I don’t feel under control of him at all, I do love him and if I feel controlled I would not be here. I probably am my own worse enemy. I don’t think I’ve been clear enough to really make him see it’s this way or no way. I carry some of my trauma from my marriage which is in some way controlling me. I was financially controlled by him, his excuse when exerted boundaries was always well when it’s your money then you get a say. I’ve been too afraid to really tell him how I feel because at the moment we do rely on him financially whilst I’m at home with the kids. I’m afraid he will turn around and tell me he’s paying so he gets to do what he wants. I really don’t think he’s like that at all but I can’t get past this thought that I’m dependent on him therefore have less say.

OP with the idea of a hoarder being abusive or controlling, maybe those are strong terms, but all of us who have seen what hoarding does to people’s lives are trying to tell you that as much as you love him, he will continue to ruin your quality of life, both mentally and physically. My uncle was a hoarder, my aunt and cousins had a difficult life because of it, the council had to move my aunt out of their home because of how unsafe it was for her when her health began to fail her, it’s a mental illness that drags everyone down with it.

You don’t want the advice to leave him, you love him obviously, but this is your second thread I believe and it does feel like trying to convince the spouse of an abuser to leave. It’s a lot for you to deal with, take your time, don’t be hard on yourself, it’s not your fault, but there is no cure for the hoarding state of mind honestly, he will never ever change, believe us.

Did you grow up in a hoarder's hovel?

I did.

I believe you, I’m not delusional but I’m feeling a little stuck in whether any decision I make will have a better outcome. He leaves I can’t work because of my health, I struggle alone with the 2 kids, I suffer, they suffer, I lose my house, where do I go, I stress, they suffer. I have no one really family wise. All I see is a life where I suffer a lot more than I do now. It was easier before, I had my health. We are not in a situation (yet) where it’s like the houses of those you mention. But it’s the idea of this situation being forever, forever arguing about space and things. I’m sorry but I feel trapped. I wish we could come to an agreement when it stays only in the garage and shed, I could deal with that as no one sees it but to know that won’t happen without my constant management.

My house is not a hovel because I make sure it’s not. But left un managed he would turn it
into one.

You shouldn't be tempted

You should do it

Hi Op,

I'm sorry sorry you are going through this.

I haven't read all the comments on the thread but just wondered if anyone had mentioned where you can look to get support for this for yourself as the partner living with a hoarder, as opposed to help for him. A bit like alanon provides support for the families of those with alcohol dependency rather the actual person with the alcohol dependency themselves.

hoardinguk.org/support-groups/

Hoarding UK is just one of the places but if you go on the MIND website they have a list of others too as a starting point.

Are we married to the same person 🤣
my dh is the same unfortunately!!! Feel your pain. The first time we had this issue I forced him. To rent a storage unit.. he paid for 2 years and then realised it was stupid and gave the stuff away to charity .
hes starting to build up junk again and I’m about to use the storage unit ultimatum again!

It's very very tough living with a hoarder. When we split up, funnily enough I got left with the hoard. His was an 'organised' hoard too, so I didn't realise how much stuff there was! I got him to come and take what he wanted, and it was a couple of cars full, that's all. It took me a couple of years to get rid of the rest. Most of it down the dump. Hoarding is a very odd mindset for those not afflicted.

What I do want to add, is that if you separate, you will be able to handle your finances your way, and if you can't work you'll qualify for UC. He also needs to support his child financially. In your shoes, knowing money is tight, I'll recommend citizens advice as solicitors are expensive ( though many offer free 30 minute appointments so you get an inkling of what your rights are)

If you're like I was, you're totally overwhelmed by stuff, inside your home and inside your head. But he is abusing you, taking over your home with all his shit. I was fortunate to have a counsellor who helped me see the wood for the trees. Again, as recommended above, do try women's aid for some support and clarity. This is no way for you and your children to live.

All this 'free' stuff is costing you emotionally and financially. I promise you it will impact on your CF, if it's not already. I suffered it too, but managed to convince myself I was lazy. My ex lied to me and hid debt from me. I wouldn't be at all surprised if yours is doing the same.

How are you feeling today? You've had such a lot of comments you must be feeling overwhelmed from that as well. They all seem to be with your best interests at heart though. How about turn your phone off for a bit, get some fresh air ( on school run perhaps?) relax with your little one and just think about how your home could look with clear spaces and places to put their bikes, and crafts.

So much love from someone who's been where you are. He isn't correct, by the way, that any of this is in any way your fault. Mine tried that, too. And you really don't have to worry what the in laws will think or do!

They've really done a number on you, haven't they? 😔 You deserve better 💐

Ps - do take photos of the clutter! I didn't, but later wished I had!

I had a talk with him yesterday. It was like a deer in headlights, he had no way to articulate what his thinking is. What I’ve gathered is that a nice feeling house isn’t part of his brain, he only views things in terms of practicality. When I try and tell him how I need to “feel” in my house and how the way it looks matters to me it was like a different language. It’s the same with the clothes he keeps, they may look old but they work practically so why get rid. The same with the food he eats. It’s always the same stuff and mostly yellow coloured, he doesn’t care how it looks only that he is hungry and he needs to eat. To me he sounds higher functioning autistic.

Obviously this doesn’t change the situation for me as but I think I understand his thought patterns. They aren’t abusive but they are alien to me. I need my house to feel good, I need to feel good in my clothes and food needs to look nice if I’m going to eat it. We are like chalk and cheese. He has absolutely no idea how to compute my feelings, or how these feelings feel.

His mum and him together make me feel stupid for having emotions and feelings about things. I am led by my feelings, I think it’s a standard thing. For example his mum laughed at me when I put fairy lights on our tent. I was creating a fun atmosphere for the kids. She thought it was stupid and couldn’t contain her thoughts so made a comment and laughed. What’s the point of that! Not everything has a practical point!

Anyway I am going round in circles. People must understand I’ve grown up with an autistic mum, I’ve never been taught that how I feel is how I need to live my life by. I accommodate because I’ve always had to. I’ve always been the outsider in my family. I studied design, degree and masters, I’ve always been very much about how things look and feel.

I’m actually quite sad. When I got my house back after taking my ex to court I bought myself the sofa I’d always dreamed of. It took me ages to save for it. No it’s not practical with kids, it’s one of those roll arms with button backs….luckily it had 70.% off. The mum and dad laughed at me and said I was all fur coat no knickers because I was trying to look good. Really nasty, no wonder I don’t like them. It wasn’t the sofa it was the freedom to buy my own sofa because when he left my house he stripped out all my furniture. It was the way I was feeling, I achieved something and they made me feel shit.

OP, I think you need to simplify your life, at least for a while. You are overwhelmed and finding it difficult to meet so many different needs - your own, your children's and your partners.

The options you have talked through on this thread, to simplify things, all seem to add to your burdens in one way or another- which is likely true, but I think you need to consider different weightings to the issue (how significantly to different demands/drains impact on you).

I think it would be helpful for you to stop trying to work your partner out, or to try and coax and cajole him to change, and instead focus on solutions/ways forward to address the aspects of your life that need to change. To use the common metaphor, you need to put your oxygen mask on first.

I think you should explore the financial and practical aspects relating to living on your own. Think about the equity you have in your house and whether downsizing will help. Think about benefits you may be entitled to. Think about how you can co-parent with you partner for school drop offs etc. Think about the steps you need to take to get yourself well enough to return to work.

You are likely to feel better and more in control if you are working towards something that is better/ more in your control.