My parter is hoarding and I’ve had enough of him, I’m not sure how to fix this!

[Rainbow03]

So long story short he moved from his house into mine with ALL is stuff as I became pregnant. His is rented out. I just want to say he is a good man but when it comes to this he is incredibly selfish.!

He has a giant shed, a garage, a large outside storage box, most the loft, his van is now a shed, half the spare room and drawers and cupboards every where stuffed full of shit so that I can’t use the house. I’ve repeatedly told him he needs to start getting rid of it because it’s not fair. I’m having to sell my stuff , I can’t store any of the kids stuff so now all the bedrooms are getting piles. He just can’t stop bringing stuff in. His face is like a child’s when he brings stuff he is so incredibly happy and it’s making me so incredibly unhappy. I want his stuff gone!!! I’m at a point in telling him that if that includes him also because he can’t be without it then so be it.

What do I do? I can’t stand all this stuff anymore, I want space, I want to store stuff. He doesn’t touch any of it, it’s just there taking room doing nothing.

It’s all helped me a great deal. I have a much better understanding of my situation from both of our sides. It’s stopped me from thinking that he just doesn’t give a shit about me to understanding it’s a mental health issue. It’s helped put a lot of information straight so I can stop thinking what the hell is going on, my brain is filtering and understanding. I can make a decision when I’ve had a bit of a rest with clarity. So although it’s not what everyone wants but it’s my life as you say and I’m extremely grateful for all the responses. I’ll take all the responses and have a great big think.

It's your life and if you want to stay with him then stay with him but don't expect your life and your children's lives to be any different at any point in the future. This is what you've got and this is what you're choosing to stick with so this will be your future and your children's future. Choose it if you want, you're an adult and it's your decision to make but at least be honest with yourself about it, that you can leave but you don't want to leave.

And when your children are grown up and want to know why they had to live like that be honest with them too that you chose it because you preferred it to taking them and building a home with them elsewhere.

Not all decisions are easy. It'd be great if they were. hmmm, shall I pick between this wonderful life of kittens and roses or this miserable life of pain and suffering, what to do what to do it's a real dilemma for sure...

Mostly it's about picking the least horrible pile of shit. And you've chosen your pile of shit and you've made that choice for your children. As all parents do. For better or worse. It's one of those things that you won't actually find out the true cost of it until they're grown up and moved out.

so, in terms of relationship, love, respect, care for each other etc you are EQUAL. Because you also love and respect him etc , he is not in some way being amazing. You are both behaving like 2 normal people in a normal relationship. 50/50. He is doing the basics that anyone would do in a caring relationship.

but in terms of the hoarding, the house, the deteriation of the assett, the taking over of your home and your space, and his complete lack of understanding that anything is wrong, and his refusal to see that he has a problem, in the way he blames you and it is not taking any responsibility, the way it is impacting your mental health but he does not acknowledge that, in all those ways, it is 100% on your shoulders and he is carrying zero.

you are lucky in that there is a solution, he has a home, he needs to use it. If he decides that he wants the money for the rent, then he will need to find somewhere for his hoard, because it is not coming back into your house.

OP I have friends who for various leave live separately from their partners/spouses. Two couples who for so many reasons couldn’t live in the same space.
In each case it has saved their relationships in that they are both still together as couples. And everyone seems happy with the situation. (Neither couple knows each other by the way!)
I think having CFS is life-changing and the mental load/stress of dealing with someone else’s stuff is debilitating. Having to live in it when you have very limited energy is going to become too much, if it’s not already.
While your DH is a good guy in all of the ways you have described, this issue is a dominant one which will continues to be corrosive. Your children, whilst being loved in other ways, won’t be able to live in a home where they cannot invite their friends over.
You can still love someone and not live with them. His needs are being very well met right now. He has a wife who adores him and he gets to dominate the space with his stuff.
Go to a therapist because it’s clear your past relationship is clouding everything.
You are not abandoning your DH by asking him to live separately. I think he’s lucky you would even agree to that.
CFS is a tricky condition to manage at the best of times and holding in so much stress and people-pleasing ramps it up.

I completely get what you are saying. But shitty childhoods form out of all sorts of homes. I grew up in a nice house no clutter, no money issues, holidays etc etc, what most people consider perfect. Apart from the fact my mum emotionally neglected me. I’ll never do that to my kids. I don’t want to mess them up by putting myself in another situation I can’t get myself out of. My health is quite bad, I’ve enough to parent and not much else left. I won’t cope alone, cleaning, school runs etc etc. I’m really struggling to see how I will even have the energy to even parent. I’ll loose them anyway. My ex wants nothing more than to take my eldest as it is and he is waiting for me to fail. You make it out to be a simple decision when it’s not. You simply don’t know all my issues and the extent of my fatigue.

Op I think I understand. I have autistic dc, an autistic ex and I even believe my mum and brother are autistic and I have always struggled to communicate with them. My exh sounds a lot like your dp. He doesn’t seek out joy in his life or get much pleasure from living in a nice, tidy environment - his house now is so dirty and messy that dc won’t visit him. Before we married he ate the same thing every day. He also hoarded - although not to the level of your partner - but he had about 50 nearly identical work shirts. He’d never throw one away and probably 45 would be too scruffy to wear to work. He’d keep them because ‘I might use it to decorate or do gardening’ - he has never lifted a paintbrush or spade in his life.

Speaking to my ex is like speaking a different language and one our dc don’t speak either. Dd1 has an emotional crisis and couldn’t go to school but exh uses the language of logic to respond and the two clash so badly because they’re literally seeing the problem in different ways. I found a counsellor for her who understands both languages and she feels listened to and understood.

so I wanted you to know that I do know that feeing of being surrounded by people who don’t seem to get my very reasonable requests.

I really think you need to work out a plan. I was frightened when exh left but worked out finances and had a plan.
Start gathering information - do a budget, look at benefits you’re entitled to, jobs you could do at home, could you rent out the garage or the spare room you’ll have when you chuck out dp, CMS that he’ll owe you etc.

Also what is it you’re frightened of when he goes? Being on your own? Finances? Meeting your health needs? No companionship? No break from dc. Once you’ve seen how your finances could work out you can start to address all these fears.

I know it’s hard but if you just start making a plan one stage at a time it might just seem less daunting.

Having c.f.s is debilitating in every aspect of my life. I will not cope on my own. Im
pretty sure I will loose my children and I will have lost the opportunity to give them my emotional energy and my love. For me my emotional support and my love out trumps the stuff in the shed. I didn’t have this from my mum but I had a clean home and it messed my life up. I don’t think people understand how debilitating this is for me. When I say I won’t cope I say that because I know I won’t.

If you really feel that you can't cope without him, would he be open to couples counselling? It might help if you spell out how you feel about his hoarding in front of a neutral third party.

I think this is a good idea and one I’m going to look into. If not for my health I wouldn’t be so trapped in this situation. I don’t think people understand just how much this c.f.s affects me. It’s different for everyone and I won’t cope and then what for my children when I can’t even parent them at all.

I’m a shit mum as it is with this stupid illness. I’m already in damage control. I know they won’t have the life they deserve but they have me at least. I worry I’ll literally end up bed bound if I have to go alone. It is not his stuff that made me ill. I’ll be ill whether I stay or go and I honestly believe leaving will cause a massive decline in my health. It’s shit I have to live a life of which is worse.

We have so much fun as a family, my kids are happy. They love their life. We go all out Halloween and Xmas with decs and the camping holidays. They love him being here. They are happy kids and they get on with him so well. This is so hard because they are my life and they are happy and doing well. This is shit.

Op I understand you want to continue the relationship so I don't know if it has been suggested.
But is there a way he could rent some sort of storage unit?
Get all of his stuff out the house and in it. Let him organise it and tinker at storage place.
He has the income from his rented property after all.
If he really needs stuff give him a small section in the attic and let him put his favourite stuff in that zone. But only in that zone.
It is okay to be firm and put you needs first for a while.
The stress of all this could be the reason your condition has worsened.

OP I have read your latest updates.
Hoe much help does DH provide in terms of your CFS? Emotional support? Practical support? Housework?
From your more detailed and updated posts it’s not just the hoarding that’s the problem.
You are rightly overwhelmed. Having CFS on its own is bad enough but add in the rest of what life is requiring of you right now is not helping.
You are not a terrible mum. You are clearly a very, very caring mum.

He provides all of these things but emotionally he doesn’t help. I mean if I cried he’ll offer a hug or rub my back but he thinks that done it’s over. He doesn’t understand it’s a weight I carry all day every day. He doesn’t want to see me sad but he doesn’t have the tools to help either.

You don’t have to break your family up. He just can’t keep any of his belongings in your home.

You can still be a loving couple and a loving family. He can still be a very hands on Dad every day of the week. You don’t need to break up if you don’t want to.

But he cannot live in your home until he accepts that he has a problem and will seek long-term help.

He can live in his own home, including keeping all of his belongings there. He could come to your house every day, still take an active part in family life, still be a couple, still sleep over at yours at the weekend even …….. but the rule must be that he only brings an overnight bag of minimal belongings and he takes everything back to his own house straight after.

You cannot live together until he has acknowledged that he has a problem and sought extensive help for it.

Gently,

How do you think he would react if he came back one day and found every scrap of shite was being loaded into a fleet of refuse lorries? Would he go 'Oh. I'm sad now' as you and your DD held his latest fantastic acquisition to lob into the back of one - or is there a nagging suspicion that all the non-shouting, no aggression just giggling railroad train would be replaced by an enraged hoarder shoving you out of the way to get his prize from the hands of your daughter, if not worse?

I got whacked in the face with a gardening implement for not wanting something out of the hoard after I'd actually found a way to the back door following two days of working my arse off on her request because she'd had a bloke from the council threaten her with eviction due to the risk it posed to the neighbours. The cut was an eighth of an inch below my lower lashes. Naturally, I wasn't going to be doing any more of the painstaking 'Can this go? Yes, the tea tray does (or did) have a 'doggie' on it, but it's also rusted through and it's very, very sharp around the hole. How about we put it here and come back to it later?' once she'd missed literally taking my eye out by sheer fluke because I'd moved my head slightly as she came at me from behind.

Guess what she did then?

She giggled.

He needs to admit it's a problem before anything even starts to change. I have issues with hoarding but now if I bring something in I have to sell something in its place. My hubby has set very firm boundaries on where my shite can be.
Set very firm boundaries of where the stuff can be. So not allowed in any of the bedrooms, living room, kitchen, bathroom and toilets, no cupboards. Only in shed, garage etc so if it doesn't fit something must be thrown or sold.
Can't stand idea of anything going to waste lol it's bad but tbh it's working. Hubby isn't going as crazy and kids have space for their things x

Thanks. I’ve calmed down a little bit my stance hasn’t changed. I have so much to deal with in my life this stuff and attachment to it I no longer have the time or the care for. It’s sending me into further overwhelm. Maybe it’s not as bad as I’m making out because I’m absolutely pissed off with it but I’ve ran out of patience. Its just another weight that hangs around my neck and I feel one day I’m going to explode!

We did my daughter’s room at the weekend for her. I’ve hurt my arm and made my fatigue awful. She came back from her dads
in a terrible mood. Has been awful at school, she ripped off the Halloween decorations and ran upstairs and started kicking the new furniture screaming she hates me. I’m sure it’s down to the ASD but I’ve just had enough lately of everyone treating me like I’m nothing.

You won't "fix" him OP it's an illness and he has to want to overcome it. I would say he moves back to his house because no way would I put up with that!

@Rainbow03 What does your mum having ms have to do with anything? It's not a disability competition! ME is not the only chronic health issue I have but I'm not entering into a game of top trumps with you.
Just because he's done some nice things for you, doesn't make everything ok. He's mentally ill, selfish and abusive in a way that his hoarding behaviour is affecting you & the DC - that's abuse. Sorry to be blunt but it's necessary here - you are putting cock before your kids.

Sounds like the only answer to me.
Feel for you, but you already know this doesn’t work and is only going to get worse.

I’m sorry I’m not sure what you mean in terms of my mum or if I miss said something. My mum has been of great help despite her suffering.

I’m a shit mum as it is with this stupid illness

You already know there are other mothers on this thread with the same illness so yeah, thanks for this 👆

I’m not talking about them I’m talking about me and how I feel about myself. You are making that connection. I can feel about myself how I what to.