My parter is hoarding and I’ve had enough of him, I’m not sure how to fix this!

[Rainbow03]

So long story short he moved from his house into mine with ALL is stuff as I became pregnant. His is rented out. I just want to say he is a good man but when it comes to this he is incredibly selfish.!

He has a giant shed, a garage, a large outside storage box, most the loft, his van is now a shed, half the spare room and drawers and cupboards every where stuffed full of shit so that I can’t use the house. I’ve repeatedly told him he needs to start getting rid of it because it’s not fair. I’m having to sell my stuff , I can’t store any of the kids stuff so now all the bedrooms are getting piles. He just can’t stop bringing stuff in. His face is like a child’s when he brings stuff he is so incredibly happy and it’s making me so incredibly unhappy. I want his stuff gone!!! I’m at a point in telling him that if that includes him also because he can’t be without it then so be it.

What do I do? I can’t stand all this stuff anymore, I want space, I want to store stuff. He doesn’t touch any of it, it’s just there taking room doing nothing.

I need to sleep for a week probably in a dark room on my own! I am a bit sad because I’ve spent 40 years living a life where all the people in my life for one reason or another have never cared how I feel. Never said how are you feeling, we see you. Apart form my dad but I lost him many years ago. So now know my partner is sat at work and he never has any thoughts about how I’m feeling. When I’ve messaged that I’m struggling at home with something he has never felt anything because he doesn’t experience it himself. Im tired of having only myself to get through things.

People are different. Some like to be very practical/ logical, as this gives them comfort. His mother and him are just the same as you in terms of wanting to feel comfortable. They feel comfortable when their situation aligns with reasoning that seems logical to them. You feel comfortable when your environment is calm, ordered and aesthetically pleasing. Neither is right or wrong, they are just different.

He and his mother don't seem to accept difference and instead seem to have rigid ideas about what is/isn't acceptable. I think this is something you just need to let go of. You can see that these are just differences and preferences. You need to hold on to knowing there is nothing wrong with difference, yours or theirs, and you don't need to defend your preferences.

When it comes to hoarding, that is different as it isn't a choice. Like any addiction, sufferers will convince themselves there are legitimate reasons for their behaviour, but this is part of the problem.

I agree with @Brainworm OP.
You can stop trying to work other people out, and work on what you need and want. It doesn't matter why they are like they are. It only matters that it affects you, badly.

Please talk to someone about this. Your feelings are valid, and normal. And just because your partner doesn't mean to be abusive, doesn't mean that he isn't. He should not be taking over your home like this! Nor should he be belittling your stress levels and blaming you.

Fwiw I suspect that my ex is autistic. Our daughter has been diagnosed AuDHD and I've since learnt so much that I think we all are. He also has a lot of trauma from a dysfunctional family growing up- and your partner's mum sounds frankly quite horrible, so he probably has trauma as well.

Probable autism doesn't make it ok for him to make you miserable. (If your mum is autistic chances are you could be too, which makes the whole thing even more difficult to navigate)

Please, please, look into counselling. There are all sorts of pathways and subsidised or even free sessions available. But for today, just breathe......

Sweetheart, we see you 💕

Thank you. I feel like an inconvenience to everyone because I just can’t stop having feelings. I try to push them away but in cycles it always comes back.

Because you've dealt with some real shit in your life. You are normal, and you are worthy of all the good things.
Now, what are you going to do next, today, instead of dwelling on things you can't change?
What can you do, for you? Only needs to be something small. A coffee and a bit of journalling? Go outside and breathe air?( even if it is raining!) Where is your LO at the moment? Book an appt with GP about counselling?

Hugs!

Im putting up the Halloween decs. Everyone will have something to say because it’s stupid and it’s early but I don’t care! I love Halloween and so do the kids!

I love a bit of seasonal decorating!

OP l feel for you l really do, the hoarder mentality is exhausting, frustrating and incredibly draining to live with. For a lot of this thread you have tried to seek answers to why your partner is like he is, you have prioritised him over yourself, excused, defended him, felt sympathy for him and looked for answers to try to change his mindnset.
Sadly he will never change.
He has an addictive personality and is hard wired to hoard.
All you can do is separate your living arrangements from his in order to get your space back. I'm not saying he doesn't love you and the kids but this is a mental health problem and you can't cure him as he will protect his hoard at all costs. Thankfully he has a rental property he can move back to and can rent extra space as needed.
If he is the good Dad you say he is then he should co parent well and hopefully you can still have a decent relationship living apart. Also please seek counselling, you really do need support for yourself to help you take action and move forward.

I’m trying in all possible ways to keep my
family together. I broke my family up before, yes I had to because of the abuse but it’s been hard and my child with him has definitely suffered. I’ve needed to know I’ve done all I can, but as we’ve realised the last thing I’m left with and the one thing I can’t do is stop my feelings about the stuff. At the end of the day at least I can say I’ve done absolutely everything I can think of but I can’t make him be any different. I know I can’t live like this so I have thinking to do. But I’m knackered now so need a break from the thinking.

I do understand OP, this pressure is mentally exhausting so by all means press pause and take a break but please do look into getting some counselling for yourself.
I honestly think you have done everything you can to keep your family together so dont reproach yourself there.
Please don't suppress and negate your own feelings though, continue to listen to yourself and your needs, even if you have parked them temporarily. All the best to you.

I'd like to offer a slightly different perspective. My friend is married to a man who collects plastic crap. Things like all the starwars figures, thousands of dvds, etc. So no rubbish, all technically reasonble even expensive stuff.
He also has ASD.
They live in a modest house, and it is FULL of his stuff. The living room walls are lined with shelves full of the dvds, one of the bedrooms, all the attic etc. And is creeps into the rest of the space. About 10 years ago, she was feeling like you, drowning under the amount of plastic, and it just kept coming in, everyday parcels would arrive. There was no space for any of her stuff, her hobbies, and she, like you was cleaning out and downsizing her stuff and their dc stuff in order to create space. But his stuff just kept growing.

The thing she found hardest was that he could not see at all that her needs were being overshadowed by his. It got to the point after about 8 years together, where they went for marriage counselling and basically, if they didn't have a breakthrough, then she wasn't sure she could continue.
It was painful and hard, but through the counselling he did finally understand why she was struggling, that her needs were being swamped by the parcels in the post.

But also they were able to talk through how he felt about his stuff and why it mattered. I think the ASD is really, really relevant here, his things make him feel safe, they are predictable, they don't have complicated human emotions, they are safe and being surrounded by them makes him feel that his world is a safe space. He adores his wife, but he literally does love his stuff in a way that someone on the outside just cannot understand.
To ask him to get rid of stuff was like asking him to cut off a hand or a foot.

But he did understand the problem, and he did promise to start to reduce. He began with the loft and has been box by box reducing his collection. That was 10 years ago, and until the last 6 months, it was still going, slowly reducing bit by bit. But as 2 boxes left one new parcel arrived.
They did come to an agreement about where the collection lived, and he has stuck to that, it has not crept anymore, and it has been reducing.
6 months ago, they decided to move. That was the last push he needed, in the last 6 months, loads of stuff has gone,and what is left is now a curated collection. He has one room, lined with display shelves and storage boxes in their new house, the rest has gone.

It took 10 years, and he was not a classic hoarder, and he agreed to change, and he has been working on it, and he has stuck to the boundaries they agreed, but still, 10 years.

But I find the ASD side of it very interesting, and I think it helps us to understand them a little better.

OP, your feelings are valid. and please don't ever think that they are not. I could not live in a house that was not visual comfortable to me. Fo me that is things like clashing colours, for you it is clean tidy space. Your need for that is 100% valid. someone upthread described it as visual noise, and that is exactly it.
It is OK to have feelings and it is OK to insist that your feelings are as valid as your partners needs.

Thank you. And that is where I become unstuck because I in no way want him to feel unsafe. I know how that feels. Me forcing him to choose between us and the things will cause him huge anxiety. I don’t want to have that on my conscious. Regardless of what he has on his conscious I just can’t push my needs knowing I’m causing distress. I don’t want to hurt the person I love but I also can’t cope with the stuff and the thought of our future with that stuff. I wish there was a compromise but unless he admits like your friends partners I can’t see a way.

wow OP you just took my post and completely reversed it.

The point that I was posting was that for their whole time together - 18+ years, his plastic stuff has been a key player in theri relationship. Her needs have been subordinate to his. That has been HARD and do you wnat to go through that?

You took from that that you don't have hte right to put your needs forward in case he feels unsafe. Your needs have to be squashed in case he feels unsafe.
In YOUR houes, with YOUR children.

Sweetheart, every post on here, you sound like a someone apologising for an abuser. I am not saying that he is abusive at all, I am saying that you sound like you are reading from that script. He needs come first, my needs don't matter, I can't push change in case he doesn't like it, I don't have the right to have my feelings and thoughts taken into consideration, I am second place, he is first, it all revolves around his needs and what is best for him.

I think you need to ask yourself - why are you so willing to have your needs trampled under his? Why do you think that your needs don't matter?

he is dominating the house with his stuff. Get him to move it all out. He can store it elsewhere, in his flat. He lives at yours under normal conditions, no hoarding. Anything he brings in that isn't discussed goes straight ourside by the bin. he can take it to his flat, or it can go in the bin.

Please, you deserve respect and your needs (and the needs of your children) matter.

I just thought that both our needs matter, mine are not more important to his and visa versa?

@steppemum , I’m really impressed that counselling helped . My mum is a hoarder and nothing on earth , including upsetting her children would persuade her to give up the stacks of paper that came with her being on the local council.

I am not sure he is a classic hoarder though, more a collector. I think it was him understanding why he liked his stuff, and his genuine desire to not lose his wife.

There are still things he struggles ot let go of, but he does now recognise that this is not 'normal' and so is prepared to find work arounds.

That’s the part I like the most about what you’ve said. He’s accepted he isn’t behaving “normally” and not projecting this onto his wife like mine. Or point blank refusing to even really talk about it. I don’t like being made to think I’m the issue.

You have your children to consider as well, one of whom isn't even his.

I just thought that both our needs matter, mine are not more important to his and visa versa?

2 things for you to go and think about (I really agree with others that you need time to process all this)

1. Are your needs being met now? So this is not about half and half, right now HIS needs are being met and your needs (and the children's needs) and not being met at all (in relation to the hoarding)
2. How much is HE thinking about YOUR needs? How much time, thought, anxiety and care is he putting in right now to YOUR needs. Compare that to this whole thread where you are desperately trying to consider HIS needs. Is he doing the same for you? Is he taking the same time to consider you? Is he worrying about YOUR needs? Where is the time when he changes something he does in order for your needs to be put first?

honesty I say it again, you need to value yourslef and your needs at the same level that he is valuing his needs.

You are back to square one OP. All that thinking to arrive back at the beginning.
You need a break from the stress of thinking about it so this is my last word I promise. I really do wish you well. I know it’s hard.

He has his own property.
You have your own property. You really worked hard for that property!
His asset is well protected. It’s in good order, free from clutter and has a reliable tenant paying rent.
Your asset isn’t well protected. It’s becoming a physical health hazard for you all, a fire hazard for you all, and its value is seriously deteriorating with all the stuff crammed in it if ever you needed to sell it. Furthermore it causes you stress every living day. It now has fewer liveable rooms and much less space because you won’t assert yourself. Its value is decreasing.

You love each other so want to live together and it does sound like a wonderful relationship in every way except the one important one. (Which he can’t help so has to be helped by you, the one he loves putting your foot down for him)

He loves his blinkered life, living in your house (while protecting his own property) adding stuff and feeling safe and thinking you value it all as much as he does and allowed to carry on thinking you love it as much as he does. He is degrading your property while you enable him to do it.
You meanwhile, become more and more upset, stressed, angry and unable to cope, unable to enjoy the relationship, sad for your children because he is not able to understand your needs or theirs and never will be able to understand them.

The solution is in front of your eyes. You are lucky to have that solution. That solution means you can carry on loving each other. But you don’t want to take that solution because, for the minute, you feel his needs are greater than your own and those of your children.

You don’t need to be in this predicament OP. You just need to address the inequality in your assets and be sensible about it. For everybody’s sake including that of the man you love, you must find the strength to assert yourself to protect your one and only asset, the same as he does for his.

If he wants to put his own asset at risk, so be it.
But don’t let him put yours at risk.

What about all the other ways he meets my needs. For example he respects I can’t cope with shouting so has never. With my health needs, Or that he took my daughter on and does all he can, pays when he really doesn’t have to etc? I feel like do I have a right to push this need even though he does a lot in other ways and I have quite a few needs especially with my health.

OP, Yes but those are things that any reasonable partner would do. What he refuses to do is accept he is impacting on your life, your children's lives, and your right to live in your own home hoard free. As l said he is an addict and will never compromise his hoard for you no matter how kind he is in other ways. In this respect your needs are not being met and he doesn't care.

@Rainbow03 he doesn’t shout, he pays his way and parents. But these are the basics!!! That is what he SHOULD be doing, at the least. You need to put far more value on yourself and the dc. You’ve had all kinds of great advice, but it seems his bill paying capacity is his trump card.

OP, this thread is your life and not our entertainment, but after all the advice we have given then your last posts, I don’t think we can help you, you seem to keep talking your way out of any progress.