My parter is hoarding and I’ve had enough of him, I’m not sure how to fix this!

[Rainbow03]

So long story short he moved from his house into mine with ALL is stuff as I became pregnant. His is rented out. I just want to say he is a good man but when it comes to this he is incredibly selfish.!

He has a giant shed, a garage, a large outside storage box, most the loft, his van is now a shed, half the spare room and drawers and cupboards every where stuffed full of shit so that I can’t use the house. I’ve repeatedly told him he needs to start getting rid of it because it’s not fair. I’m having to sell my stuff , I can’t store any of the kids stuff so now all the bedrooms are getting piles. He just can’t stop bringing stuff in. His face is like a child’s when he brings stuff he is so incredibly happy and it’s making me so incredibly unhappy. I want his stuff gone!!! I’m at a point in telling him that if that includes him also because he can’t be without it then so be it.

What do I do? I can’t stand all this stuff anymore, I want space, I want to store stuff. He doesn’t touch any of it, it’s just there taking room doing nothing.

Maybe your cfs would improve if you weren’t dealing with the stress of the hoard.

All the nice things he does, the friendship, the relationship, the children's bond - fantastic.

A lot of women would give so much to have that, especially after difficult experiences. We understand.

It's perfectly possible to live in separate houses and have a relationship. That might be your acceptable compromise.

The thing is though - to him, you and the children mean less than the Hoard.

This is a fundamental flaw in him, in the situation.

And living with that, together, or apart, is a giant compromise. You and the children are worth more than that.

Never forget that a hoarded house can be dangerous.

And if a child is considered at risk from significant harm, social services can become involved:

brethertonlaw.co.uk/services/child-law/child-social-services-intervention-common-questions-answers/reasons-social-services-would-take-a-child/

The thing is he doesn’t even look at the stuff, doesn’t spend any time with it or using it. @AttilaTheMeerkat The red line is crossed. It’s just that I manage it in the house. If not for me the house would absolutely not be liveable or safe.

He will for example buy pasta and then each week buy pasta. We don’t need pasta but he will continue to buy the same things regardless so we end up with multiple bags. I’ll tell him we don’t need anymore but he will take this as finite. We don’t need this ever again. I will say we’ve ran out of pasta in 6 months time and he will say well you said stop buying it so now I’ve stopped. He can’t get into his head we buy it when we run out. We don’t need to own an entire lifetimes supply just incase there is a day we don’t have it.

You are going to continue to go round in circles op, I really don’t know if there’s anything you are getting from this thread but it would really help to get some support in real life.

Same like the stuff he revels in having stuff that we need. He gets a kick out of someone saying they need something and he has it. But we cant just store what we might need. We can’t store an entire lifetimes worth of possible needs.

This thread is absolutely pointless.

He does shopping (and buys too much) = online deliveries.

He cleans (around the hoard) = get a cleaner, it'll take less time and effort when there's no crap in the way anyhow.

He fixes things = pay somebody to fix them or get a bulky rubbish collection and order a replacement if you actually need one.

He cuts the grass = pay somebody to do it. You'll also have a clear shed in which to store one functioning lawnmower.

You're too tired to do as much with the children = if you weren't constantly trying to mitigate his joyful shit gathering, sneaking crap out and feeling like you are slowly being walled in behind his crap, you'd probably sleep better, be able to move more freely and have more time and energy to be able to do stuff with your children.

You go on camping holidays = if you aren't spending all this money on shite, you could book a comfortable, accessible holiday for you and the kids, rather than have to have all that camping stuff also cluttering up the place and feeling the need to escape from the crap.

You do activities together = do them without him. Or stay at home and enjoy a nice, clean, uncluttered and safe home.

It's fuck all to do with you being ill - gives him an extra element of control over you, gives him yet another excuse, gives him more power because you're less likely to put yourself and the kids first over him, but it is nothing to do with you.

He's overwhelming you with what he wants all the time. He's taken over your life, your home, your environment, the air you breathe and the space you move around and exist it. He's smothering you slowly AND HE DOESN'T CARE because it makes him happy to have stuff, to control everything and everyone around him, to have you thinking you're dependent upon him - and because he's managed to get hold of a larger space in which to get more stuff.

You’re not making any difference to his hoard by surreptitiously removing items. He brings unwanted stuff home and his hoard increases daily. He’s not just hoarding items but hoarding food too in your home. In the end your entire house will be turned over to his hoard and sooner than you think. You are not managing his hoard in your home at all, you’re doing the equivalent of trying to bail out the sea with a spoon.

I think you are going around in circles sadly and you absolutely need therapy not just for you but for your children as well.

Thank you but no isn’t not. It’s given a voice to my thoughts and it’s helped me to see the disorder and the wood from the trees. It’s cemented my thoughts that I can’t put up with it and I’m processing all of the information I’ve been given. I’ve no support in real life and I feel better today. When your head is a mess it isn’t fixed in one day because loads of people have said just leave. It’s a process and this has been invaluable to me. Pointless to you but it’s not your life or your thread!

Therapy is a must do for yourself particularly if you have no real life support. Keep processing the information you’ve been given on here, your children will also thank you for doing so.

You need to be honest with yourself. You've not been told anything new in this thread that you weren't in the last. Time to stop processing (sorry, but it's really making excuses) and start acting.

Ive had to almost stop working and he is paying most of the bills.
and there we have, countless posts and it boils down to money.
You are now putting him paying bills before your child, many women have walked away from relationships with nothing because their child is the priority not some man.
This thread is pointless, you won't put him out, you won't prioritise your child.

This is so sad and I’m so sorry op. I think everyone who watched the hoarders programme about 20 years ago learned very quickly that it is an awful condition that ruins so many lives. It sounds like the help he offers doesn’t outweigh the stress of the hoard. Make sure you have evidence of the hoard so your dc doesn’t have to live in one 50/50.

Also you must get some support for yourself, a friend, a listening ear, a therapist. You have spent your whole life trying to make sense of things that don’t make sense. This leaves you vulnerable to ending up in situations most of us would run from screaming. This man can not a good partner or a good dad if he is not able or willing to get help for his issue with hoarding. Just like he wouldn’t be if he spent family money on gambling or was pissing himself drunk every weekend.

Finally there are so many posts about people who live with hoarders or have grown up with them. No one sounds happy, the best is low level sadness and frustration and the worst is no contact between parents and children. I can’t see a happy outcome for you so it’s just getting yourself into a place where you can set and maintain boundaries and you have the confidence that you can go it alone. Best of luck

I walked away from my ex marriage thank you with £150 to my name and shared one room and one bed for 3 years with my daughter so I’m not sure you have any idea.

The thing is OP, he has an empty property, with a tenant, who pays rent that he can then spend on more stuff.
Would it not be better to cut off the source of his spending.

You don’t have to end the relationship. But you do have to pause it until all the stuff is out of your house. That’s the ultimatum you must give him.
“The relationship is off until your stuff is gone and it must be gone by x date. Get your stuff out by that date and I will resume our lovely relationship on the proviso you never bring more stuff in without my explicit agreement. Those are my terms and I am sticking to them.
Try that as a starter. And see how it goes…..because, as you readily admit, you can’t simply ignore it and carry on complaining about it as that will kill the relationship in time anyway.

This IS a solution that most don’t have the luxury of.
I know it’s not what you want, it’s a massive compromise on your part. But he is never ever going to admit he has a problem. So you have to deal with it in this way or give up the fight for normality and accept it.

He needs to give notice to his tenant and then start to move his stuff out …to his family if need be or to a storage facility until his tenant is gone then he fills his own property with his stuff and plays with it all there at his place which you never need to go to. Out of sight, out of mind is what you aim for.

@Rainbow03 But you're contradicting yourself as you're pointing out his paying bills as one of the reasons you can’t leave and then saying you left your ex with only £150 to your name....? Just because he also does nice things to help you, shouldn't make it anymore difficult to leave when kids are involved.

I also have CFS, have done since I was 13 (now 40) so I know it very well (I've just woken up from yet another nap!) and I'm a single parent to a child with ASD. I had no choice but to get on with things myself as my ex was emotionally abusive to me (not DC & she was very small at the time). So I guess you could say that I'm living the life you'll have once he's gone, except I only have one DC.
I too went through the abject guilt etc because otherwise, he was great! He was pretty much my carer. But I had to put my DC first, even though I knew that life would be incredibly difficult without his help. Well, it wasn't particularly! Not once a routine had been formed. It seemed harder than it was and that's the truth.

So here we are OP. You know he has hoarding syndrome. It’s unlikely to get better. In fact, it will get worse and it is getting worse. You knew this before you moved him in. It’s filled the garage. It’s creeping into the house. The loft now the spare room. He will fill the whole house. And, you won’t put him out because he pays the bills.

Your children look to you to provide a safe and comfortable home. They won’t thank you for this. They’ll leave home as soon as they can. And won’t want to visit.

You DO know which way to turn. You just don’t want to do it.

Look into what benefits you will be entitled to once he’s out. I’m willing to bet your CFS symptoms will improve once him and the hoard are out and you will be able to increase work hours again.

When you’re here saying the same thing in a year’s time and he’s filled that spare room and is filling up space in bedrooms and the lounge - the advice will be the same.

There will never be an easier time than now to stop this.

@Catoo Wide words

The stuff is mostly free.

'This thread is pointless, you won't put him out, you won't prioritise your child'.

Urrghhh. The worst of MN. People start a thread looking for advice and get a brilliant variety which of course they will want to muse over to see what might work for them - and how they might practically weave it into their actual life. That they have to lead.

But hey, who cares when you want the next episode in the MN soap opera to roll out on cue for vicarious entertainment. Action! Let's see some action! FGS.

Take your time, OP. You know the pace of change that you can cope with.

The stuff may be free but storing it isn't free.

Thanks for your positive story. My life is different thought. I have 2 kids and a disabled mum with m.s and my own illness to cope with. When I left my ex I had nothing , he tried to take my house. It went via court for several years. I worked to pay the court bills and then to pay him out and then managed to pay most of it off whilst I was healthy. He is still abusive to my daughter. That went through court for several years also, 3 years no contact. My partner has been extremely supportive. He sat with me through all the nights I cried, through my miscarriage. It’s hard because I have the emotional attachment to him that people here don’t.

Thank you. My mind like the shed is full!

People are getting frustrated. I mean look at the response to@LAMPS1.
The OP only engages with the point she can bat away.
I think people are sympathetic and realise how difficult - likely impossible - it is for the OP but, to be fair, she's not really looking for advice on how to move forward, she is just offloading.
People are also concerned for the children caught up in this.

I was answering the ones with question marks.