Husband's pornography use

[Circeandthepigs]

I have strong objections regarding pornography ( abuse, harm, exploitation of women and girls) and when 5 years ago I discovered my husband used porn secretly I was completely devastated & gave him an ultimatum- he stop or I divorce him. He said he hardly used it and that it was no problem stopping. I told him my feelings about porn & was upfront that i couldn't live with a man who used it.
Ive checked in about it over the years but he's always assured me he doesn't use it anymore and he is very plausible.
Recently we went on an extended holiday together. He took his tablet for 'Google Maps' etc. Most days he opted to stay behind at our rental for a few hours by himself to 'read and chill in the garden'.
At first I didn't mind as I enjoyed time to myself on the beach etc and he'd join me later. However, I started to get a feeling, an instinct, call it intuition. I started to question what he was doing and asked if he was using the tablet for porn while I was out of the way. He was indignant and swore he never used it, in fact he hadn't even opened the tablet on the holiday.
I left it to the last day to confront him properly as I didn't want a big scene while we were away together with no way of escape!
I made him put on the tablet. I found that he had been using pornography while i was by myself on the beach. He was extremely upset and bashful but still lying. At first he said it was briefly once during the holiday, then twice ( although data evidence indicated otherwise) and that he'd not used porn since our conversation/ my ultimatum 5 years ago. Over the last few days, with my continued questioning, he's admitted he started using pornography again years ago.
He says it is a compulsion for the illicit.
I think it's the tip of the iceberg and my trust is now detonated.
I can't bear the thought that he was doing this on our holiday and gaslighting me. I can feel only contempt for him.
He says that he loves me and it would be foolish of me to leave a man who adores me.
Well I don't feel adored.
We all have free will..he can do as he chooses, but i have the right to not live with a man who chooses to use pornography. We also hardly ever have sex, although I'm attractive and keep in really good shape etc. He has never really wanted to address the lack of sex between us, it has always been me getting upset and bringing up the subject.
I feel done and finished. Unfortunately I can't move out for 12 months because my son has a year left at university and is living at home. So now I have to live alongside this man ( separate bedrooms anyway because he snores) in a way that doesn't affect my son ( I'm not going to tell my son of my plans because stability at uni is too important) or my mental health.
Has anyone in MN had to live with a husband while employing a ' grey rock' technique and come out of it successfully with their sanity intact?
Thanks you for reading to the end.

I said I'm not interested in YOUR thoughts.

A psuedo sexologist is in the mix. Probably expects answers. Then will get off to them.

At risk of getting flamed...OP, do you ever flirt with your husband?

I'm curious. Do you think obsessively wanking to porn to the point a man can't get it up, is related in any way to whether their wife flirts with them?

Your partner has lied to you, about a fairly fundamental, morally dubious behaviour and some posters think it's appropriate to question your behaviour. The thought process behind that baffles me completely!

Absolutely fine for this to be a deal breaker for you op. Would be for me too.

What a sad little life.

The patriarchy really did a number on you ey. Men made porn and have successfully brainwashed men (and sadly women too) that it’s normal and every man does it.

Porn is not normal . Remove the screen. A man sitting there masturbating to strangers having sex isn’t normal.

If it’s fine for your partner to watch sex, then I pity you and your standards are in hell. But don’t force other people to have such embarrassingly low attitudes
*
This*

To be honest this sounds like a couple who don’t like each other, OP finds her hubby old, flabby and grim while hubby doesn’t want to lay a finger on her (for whatever reasons). I give more credit to the OP because at least she’s willing to sit and talk about it while he would rather sweep things under the rug and play happy house. It’s very easy to not take accountability of the deeper underlying issues and blame the demise of your marriage on porn.

If by flirty you mean having a great little body and walking around wearing my underwear, bending over in front of him, dancing around in next to nothing ( i take dance classes and like to practice), talking dirty, etc etc, nah i don't flirt at all 😏
But yeh, he's dull and prefers his hand. Pitiful old bugger.

I do understand why people say things like 'are you flirty' ? But we have to be honest here whilst there are women who still go around giggling and flirting with their 60 something husbands - and fair enough if you still genuinely fancy your husband- there are plenty in long marriages who don't quite feel like that but also have lots of non sexual reasons they stay together - and porn using in this age group doesn't exactly make you feel like flirting with them-

Unfortunately you can't just change the definition of normal to suit yourself. The bell curve distribution of porn usage shows it's normal.

In Roman times porn was normally on the walls of upper class people.

One way to have a severely disappointing life is to expect human beings to not be human.

Omg what the f…. 😂 are you for real?

fantasies that need meeting?!

how about the other way around - maybe he meet the “fantasy” of his wife that he controls himself and doesn’t watch porn and actually focus on the relationship and sex life with his partner!!!

Or, maybe the demise of the marriage is actually caused by porn and the fact its turned him into a liar as well as impotent.

Judging by the shelves in charity shops, plenty of women bought 50 Shades of Grey

Hardly the same…most woman that read it want to jump on their husbands after. And I was one of those woman. That book made me crave my husband more. A man that chooses his hand and porn over his wife has serious issues that most likely won’t be solved without professional help

And yet in 14 pages of posts not one person complaining that their dp isn't interested in having sex because they are too busy wanking off to erotic 'literature', so apparently not the same at all @Sd1960

Dear Original poster, now that a year has gone by can I assume you have now left your husband? Do you feel liberated ? A very bold move. I hope you have found solice.