Husband's pornography use

[Circeandthepigs]

I have strong objections regarding pornography ( abuse, harm, exploitation of women and girls) and when 5 years ago I discovered my husband used porn secretly I was completely devastated & gave him an ultimatum- he stop or I divorce him. He said he hardly used it and that it was no problem stopping. I told him my feelings about porn & was upfront that i couldn't live with a man who used it.
Ive checked in about it over the years but he's always assured me he doesn't use it anymore and he is very plausible.
Recently we went on an extended holiday together. He took his tablet for 'Google Maps' etc. Most days he opted to stay behind at our rental for a few hours by himself to 'read and chill in the garden'.
At first I didn't mind as I enjoyed time to myself on the beach etc and he'd join me later. However, I started to get a feeling, an instinct, call it intuition. I started to question what he was doing and asked if he was using the tablet for porn while I was out of the way. He was indignant and swore he never used it, in fact he hadn't even opened the tablet on the holiday.
I left it to the last day to confront him properly as I didn't want a big scene while we were away together with no way of escape!
I made him put on the tablet. I found that he had been using pornography while i was by myself on the beach. He was extremely upset and bashful but still lying. At first he said it was briefly once during the holiday, then twice ( although data evidence indicated otherwise) and that he'd not used porn since our conversation/ my ultimatum 5 years ago. Over the last few days, with my continued questioning, he's admitted he started using pornography again years ago.
He says it is a compulsion for the illicit.
I think it's the tip of the iceberg and my trust is now detonated.
I can't bear the thought that he was doing this on our holiday and gaslighting me. I can feel only contempt for him.
He says that he loves me and it would be foolish of me to leave a man who adores me.
Well I don't feel adored.
We all have free will..he can do as he chooses, but i have the right to not live with a man who chooses to use pornography. We also hardly ever have sex, although I'm attractive and keep in really good shape etc. He has never really wanted to address the lack of sex between us, it has always been me getting upset and bringing up the subject.
I feel done and finished. Unfortunately I can't move out for 12 months because my son has a year left at university and is living at home. So now I have to live alongside this man ( separate bedrooms anyway because he snores) in a way that doesn't affect my son ( I'm not going to tell my son of my plans because stability at uni is too important) or my mental health.
Has anyone in MN had to live with a husband while employing a ' grey rock' technique and come out of it successfully with their sanity intact?
Thanks you for reading to the end.

Oh for goodness sake.
Do you tell women to get their alcoholic husbands a beer too?

Agree she doesn't have the right to tell him what he can and can't watch.

However, I've been in the situation where my (now ex) DP had very low sex drive but and interest in porn.

It absolutely eroded every ounce of self esteem I had and even after ending the relationship, im still recovering.

I'd end it based on the constant lies coupled with the lack of interest in real life sex while watching porn. Hiding in the apartment to wank off to porn while presumably has the option to have sex on holiday, but choosing to leave me alone at the beach to do so would be the cherry on the cake

Porn does nothing for me as it's fake and laughable . If my husband wants to watch it it's up to him I'm not bothered . Sometimes he just wants some solo enjoyment. I think most men, even vicars watch porn . If you stop him he will do it anyway behind your back . As long as he watching legal porn I don't see a problem. Better than having affairs behind your back .

You are entitled to have a view on an issue. You have an entitlement to stay or leave, or wait a bit. If you feel so strongly about something, then you are free to act on it. However, both parties in a marriage have the same entitlements. It is matching these entitlements within a relationship that is key. It seems that no one is interested in discussing what the husband wants. Is he using porn because the sex has become a non event? What caused the sex to die out? Was that a mutual decision?

I think OP had already decided to give up on the relationship. An ultimatum is not something that is useful in a healthy relationship, when discussion is more appropriate. Once ultimata arise, discussion is dead and the relationship is in a bad way.

I suggest that the split should go ahead. If waiting a year is awkward, that's the price you pay. OP seems controlling and intolerant (loads of couples snore - with many, love makes it a price worth paying). I'd imagine that her husband would be better off somewhere where he is listened to.

Truth

exactly; they do not want to sleep with the real woman they have, but prefer watching things like that on a screen. Just divorce and be a closet masturbator on the porn , why ruining the whole life of another human being

So basically he told you he doesn’t want to.

And he is asking you to do the work of ‘convincing him’ knowing very well you’ll then become the ‘nag’ and it will be all your fault.

Right…..

I think I’d have burst out laughing at that idea tbh.

@Circeandthepigs We also hardly ever have sex, although I'm attractive and keep in really good shape etc. He has never really wanted to address the lack of sex between us, it has always been me getting upset and bringing up the subject.

your husband decided long time ago that he prefers the company of his hand and the strangers in the screen than you, he also doesn't want to speak about it and would rather sweep the issue under the rug (which is extremely selfish) leaving you unhappy and abandoned. Move to the spare room and spend the year putting your financial ducks in a row, enjoying yourself and designing a new plan titled "how I want my life to look when I get out of this shyte sandwich".

This is why the church of England is in the state that it is. Vicars are all on porn, secret affairs with the music leader in the woods or on mental health painkillers. Don't mention priests again please

I think it's a sad indictment on men that porn use is so extensive. I think most men do and those that say they aren't are lying. Here though it's really about him lying to you after you made your feelings so clear. He didn't stop then and he ignored your feelings. He has continued to ignore your feelings. If I was you I would be enraged and tell him to leave.

I think you'll find a very high percentage of men use porn. Whether they are in a relationship or not. It's one of the big differences between men and women.
I get why you have an issue with porn but it's not always the case.
I think it's very difficult to agree to never use porn again.

In your world

And did you read the reasons the OP objects to porn?

Do you think it was ok for her husband to lie? (many times)

Do you think it's ok for him to prefer porn to her?

Disgusting. You are well shot of him. Honestly, if I were to chose to have a cheating husband or a porn-lover, I would opt for a cheating husband. Porn-lovers are perverts and creeps.

I do believe that nearly all men watch porn. I think it explains why DV has been increasing as well as misogynistic attitudes in general, although those men will blame it on feminism. Even the police has been making this connection with porn however. Also young boys now expect unrealistic types of sex that wasn’t common a while ago, which makes it difficult for their young girlfriends.

I agree with you OP - I’d much rather be single and live with something that is a red line for me. Marriages work best when values and beliefs are held in common.

It is not "prefering porn to OP".
He obviously tried to keep both.

Watching porn and getting off is fun.

I fully understand why someone does not want to get rid of harmless free fun just because their partner are getting all dramatic over it.
Oh noooo, watching adults having sex... lord help us all!

I’m with you, OP. Similar conversations and the whole first paragraph could be us. Marriage would be in serious trouble if I found out he was lying.

That reminds me. I am not religious anymore but in the past I went to church for many years. I will never forget one talk we had by a member who was a qualified psychologist. He said that many of the male church members secretly watched porn and the psychologist (and other church members of the same profession) were having to deal with the mental health problems of wives who were being coerced into sex acts they didn’t want to do. The husbands would quote the Bible and tell their wives that they had to obey them and these deeply religious women felt they had no option.

I think living with him but separately will have a really negative impact on you and I'd think again. It is really unfair to say you'll stay the year for you son.
Him saying you'll be mad to leave someone who adores you makes me want to slap him.

You are ready to end your relationship and just waiting for your son to finish university. Just focus on your future in a year's time and prepare yourself as much as possible for how you hope to manage the move.

Whatever people think of the rights and wrongs of your ultimatum and actions is irrelevant. You need to do what you feel is right for you and no-one else's opinion should affect how you resolve position. Good luck.

You haven't read this thread. OP is not getting laid, she's angry and frustrated because her hubby would rather channelise his libido with strangers on a screen than lay a finger on her, that's enough reason to dump him -independently of the porn debate-. To top things up she has an issue with porn (that you may share or not) and she voiced this issue early in the relationship, this is HER boundary, instead he lied, he deceived her and on top of it he's not shagging her. I too would be fuming.

Goods points made here . I'm married ( twice) there's nothing wrong with sex within a couple relationship as long as there's consent , being beautiful doesn't mean that only the beautiful have a good sex life , being interesting might do . Being boring would be off putting . My husband and I have interests whether it's sex or other ... try livening up your interests , like watching porn together, as well as non sexual interests...he's probably very bored 😴

Hmm… obviously you’re totally lacking imagination that you cannot get your fun wo images.

Personally, knowing that a lot of/most of those videos are rape makes me sick.
Knowing that PornHub had to stop searches on ‘sex whilst she sleeps’ and ‘sex whilst drugged’ after the media started to talk about the trial with G Pelicot tells me all there is to know about men and their inability to see women as human beings.
But yes it’s much easier to think it’s women bring dramatic over a bit if harmless fun….

Total lack of empathy and respect is more like it.

Have you ever even heard of PIED? They can’t have both when they’re wanking for hours every day. How many women are making all the effort, trying to entice their porn-sick husbands only to find it’s impossible for them to get hard? And woe betide any woman who has the audacity to feel hurt, because if they mention the subject of ED then they are being ‘unsupportive’ of their DH. Fuck the woman’s feelings.

It is not ‘harmless’. Some women have been in this position for years, because their sleazy husbands can’t get off on normal sex any more.

I think the marriage is too far gone for this, but in the OPs shoes I would have tried to reach some sort of compromise the first time round eg that he can watch ethical porn if he feels the need to watch any porn at all.

Not sure the OP would have gone for that, she does seem rather rigid, and the trust has gone now as they couldn't as a couple work out a way to compromise between this, or maybe the OP is too rigid to consider any sort of compromise, in which case her marriage is over that's the price for not willing to be able to discuss and negotiate any compromise at all.

I don't think the two are mutually exclusive!