Husband's pornography use

[Circeandthepigs]

I have strong objections regarding pornography ( abuse, harm, exploitation of women and girls) and when 5 years ago I discovered my husband used porn secretly I was completely devastated & gave him an ultimatum- he stop or I divorce him. He said he hardly used it and that it was no problem stopping. I told him my feelings about porn & was upfront that i couldn't live with a man who used it.
Ive checked in about it over the years but he's always assured me he doesn't use it anymore and he is very plausible.
Recently we went on an extended holiday together. He took his tablet for 'Google Maps' etc. Most days he opted to stay behind at our rental for a few hours by himself to 'read and chill in the garden'.
At first I didn't mind as I enjoyed time to myself on the beach etc and he'd join me later. However, I started to get a feeling, an instinct, call it intuition. I started to question what he was doing and asked if he was using the tablet for porn while I was out of the way. He was indignant and swore he never used it, in fact he hadn't even opened the tablet on the holiday.
I left it to the last day to confront him properly as I didn't want a big scene while we were away together with no way of escape!
I made him put on the tablet. I found that he had been using pornography while i was by myself on the beach. He was extremely upset and bashful but still lying. At first he said it was briefly once during the holiday, then twice ( although data evidence indicated otherwise) and that he'd not used porn since our conversation/ my ultimatum 5 years ago. Over the last few days, with my continued questioning, he's admitted he started using pornography again years ago.
He says it is a compulsion for the illicit.
I think it's the tip of the iceberg and my trust is now detonated.
I can't bear the thought that he was doing this on our holiday and gaslighting me. I can feel only contempt for him.
He says that he loves me and it would be foolish of me to leave a man who adores me.
Well I don't feel adored.
We all have free will..he can do as he chooses, but i have the right to not live with a man who chooses to use pornography. We also hardly ever have sex, although I'm attractive and keep in really good shape etc. He has never really wanted to address the lack of sex between us, it has always been me getting upset and bringing up the subject.
I feel done and finished. Unfortunately I can't move out for 12 months because my son has a year left at university and is living at home. So now I have to live alongside this man ( separate bedrooms anyway because he snores) in a way that doesn't affect my son ( I'm not going to tell my son of my plans because stability at uni is too important) or my mental health.
Has anyone in MN had to live with a husband while employing a ' grey rock' technique and come out of it successfully with their sanity intact?
Thanks you for reading to the end.

Are they really into those things, or are they lying to themselves and it's really because they want to please the man? I think that for the most part they give in to such things so he won't leave them or look for it elsewhere, then to feel better about it they tell themselves they like it or even condition themselves to get pleasure from it.
Unfortunately, many women still build their sexuality around male desires.

And?
Those women aren't 1) keeping pornhub afloat and 2) watching porn so compulsively they are destroying their relationships and their own sexuality.

This is a man thing.

@Notamum12345577 "Some women are into nearly all of that (apart from the incest!). Yes I appreciate only a very small minority like the slapping and choking."

1. So what?
2. Why "apart from the incest"?

I have experienced a similar situation, the new danger is that porn can lead to other exciting behaviors online like chatting with women or webcam girls. My spouse and I went to therapy because he had an issue like this. Over time they cannot get aroused in a healthy natural way because of all the images. they may watch more wild sexual acts online like group sex and then just normal healthy sex with their partner seems boring. When my spouse was watching porn he would tell me things like your not wild enough or loud enough. Well we have older kids so yes we had to be quiet. This lead my spouse to have an interaction online with a real woman that sent him photos. He went to a special therapist that specializes in sex addiction. He was very depressed at the time when he was watching porn. He no longer watches porn, he hates it now. Now we work on honesty, and communication, his brain has not had those images for a couple years. He was unable to get aroused because he was watching to much porn.,He also got very fat and lazy at the time which made everything else 10 times worse. They think it’s harmless but it’s not. If you think it’s cheating then it’s cheating. If he has to lie, it’s deceitful. I would get him to therapy. Sitting in a room watching porn on vacation? A special time to spend with your wife? That’s not putting any effort into a marriage. He may need mental health help for depression or couples counseling. If he doesn’t get help he will probably loose you.

Because I know women who are into anal and hair pulling, and a very small amount into slapping and (light) choking, because the have told me. I don’t know any who are into incest!

And again, how is that relevant to men who spend all their free time and lots of money wanking to porn?

Or even relevant to my broader point, which is that I believe most women would be shocked and disgusted to see what this "porn that all men watch" actually entails.

@CassieMaddox I agree- I think some women are incredibly naive - it's not just the porn too- they are bombarded with hookers and webcam ads if they watch it at all

Anything 16 or over is legal." He was at that time 46

Oh dear. That's grim 😕

No we didn't discuss it before we married.
When I discovered he was secretly using pornography I laid my cards on the table and gave him a choice.
He was extremely contrite and promised he'd never use it again. I went onto msinstream porn sites with him and pointed out what I saw as the reality of those poor people's lives. Many girls looked very young and 'young' and 'petite' were the mainstay of the videos; petite meaning pubescent. I explained my feelings about the exploitation and trafficking of girls and women. I sent him links to organisations that could give him the real deal regarding the porn industry. I watched a documentary with him about the pornography industry. He said he felt differently about pornography and would never use it again for masturbation ( masturbation isn't the issue btw. I masturbate. I see it as normal).
Ive checked in with him over the years and he's assured me he doesn't use porn anymore. So ive stayed.
Ive just discovered he never stopped using. Not even on our holiday.
So im unimpressed by the latest promises and the " Now I see the light" vocabulary he spews out.
So I need to protect my peace of mind and get through the next 12 months sharing the same house as him. My 62 year old husband gives me the ick. End of.

I'm post menopause but i have a great body ( lithe) because i do lots of dance and go to the gym often, plus my diet is really healthy. I'm also younger than my husband & he's flabby and feeble looking. (I would never speak about him this way but I'm fuming.) I'm not saying this about my body to big myself up, I'm saying it because it doesn't make me feel good, him looking at my body, now. In fact it enrages me. I like to look at my body though, especially in the dance studio mirrors when I'm dancing and feeling free, and I think ' Oh you poor sucker, you'll never get better than this". My anger is intense.

@Circeandthepigs I get it totally. The idea of them scrolling merrily and secretly through all these gross mini trailers to find the most titillating ones gets to me too and totally gives me the ick. I'm same age group as him

My point is the poster (can’t remember if it was you or someone else) said that porn gives men the impression that women are into certain things, which were then listed, so I was stating that some women are actually into some of those things. I wasn’t saying that I think porn is harmless or acceptable.

There is a saying that is so true..

"I wish I had the confidence of an incredibly average white man"

Who the fuck does he think he is!

It sounds to me that you have made your position clear. He has no intention of giving it up and on top of that he is lying to you. It’s true lots of men and women enjoy porn and couples can enjoy it together as part of a healthy relationship (even make their own for personal use if they so desire). However, since you have a clear and inflexible boundary I personally feel that you will never truly trust your husband again and this will just be corrosive for the long term prospects of your marriage. Since he won’t change and you have very strict boundaries maybe you should hold your head up high and stick with your principles.

There are a lot of people on here who evidently don’t understand that there’s a huge difference between a porn user and a porn addict. Saying “Lots of couples enjoy porn” is like saying “Well my husband enjoys a couple of pints at the weekend” to a woman who is married to a hopeless alcoholic.

If a man doesn’t touch his wife, all intimacy has gone and he is suffering from Porn-induced erectile dysfunction he’s an addict, not an occasional user.

I’d just leave him now OP. I know you’ve explained already why you want to give it 12 months, but surely your mental health and happiness are more important?

I completely understand your feelings. I am post menopausal but much more attractive than my husband physically. I took care of myself and he didn’t over 30 years of marriage. The women on porn sites are very young. That is creepy when they are much younger than your children. My husbands brain has healed for the most part and he lost 80 lbs. He now feels more self confident in his body and libido. It’s like they missed out on their youth or something. This is the sick mentality, if I don’t get caught and if it’s just online then it’s OK and not cheating. It was an addiction for my spouse, he would say things like… oh I know you would like this or that. Well no husband I don’t like those things, the reason those women like those things is because they get paid and they are acting. Our sex life was pretty wild compared to most and more active than most. But it was never good enough for him. Well I found out why, his brain was fried on porn. I do not judge others that are into different things. But when your husband argues with you that lots of women like 3 way sex and he thinks I would like it but just won’t admit it. Then Houston we we have a problem. That’s some mental manipulation and a screwd up mind. Sex addiction therapy and counseling was amazing. Trust is built over time. Every time someone breaks your trust you start from scratch. There are therapists that specialize in sex/porn addiction but they have to go and learn. It’s also so emotionally immature to lie and not consider the feelings of a good loving spouse. It’s not like we are demanding they do every little thing we want or get under our control but geez be a decent husband and not a creepy, lying, sneaky sneak. You wonder.. what else do I not know about.

Was your partner able to regain a healthy sexuality?

My partner watches it I couldn’t care less! Saves me a job.

good luck finding a man who doesn’t watch it.

many women also watch it.

That doesn't sound like a very fun job for you. Sex shouldn't be a chore.

I agree with you my husband on porn for 8 years. If I go out for beauty he will go on porn and chat with casual wifes.married woman etc chats and says he loves me too.

I'm overweight and lost 6 stones This makes me feel undesirable as I'm not a size 10 model.

Very true. It should be fun and couples can enjoy watching things together to better understand what each other enjoy. Being intimate should never feel like a chore.

I don't see a problem with it it's just for sexual stimulation. You don't need to feel threatened. People in the films want to be in then not coerced. Indulge him. I'm female

I think secretly every man watches porn. It gives us the things our wife's won't. I would try to have a more open mind and realize he's sleeping with his hand every guy does it. I promise u If he treats you well other wise I think it would be a mistake to separate. And if my wife gives me ultimatems i laugh. id say hes pretty in flexible And just to be sure see what he's looking at. If he's watching gay porn per say we'll that's another story all together