I have strong objections regarding pornography ( abuse, harm, exploitation of women and girls) and when 5 years ago I discovered my husband used porn secretly I was completely devastated & gave him an ultimatum- he stop or I divorce him. He said he hardly used it and that it was no problem stopping. I told him my feelings about porn & was upfront that i couldn't live with a man who used it.
Ive checked in about it over the years but he's always assured me he doesn't use it anymore and he is very plausible.
Recently we went on an extended holiday together. He took his tablet for 'Google Maps' etc. Most days he opted to stay behind at our rental for a few hours by himself to 'read and chill in the garden'.
At first I didn't mind as I enjoyed time to myself on the beach etc and he'd join me later. However, I started to get a feeling, an instinct, call it intuition. I started to question what he was doing and asked if he was using the tablet for porn while I was out of the way. He was indignant and swore he never used it, in fact he hadn't even opened the tablet on the holiday.
I left it to the last day to confront him properly as I didn't want a big scene while we were away together with no way of escape!
I made him put on the tablet. I found that he had been using pornography while i was by myself on the beach. He was extremely upset and bashful but still lying. At first he said it was briefly once during the holiday, then twice ( although data evidence indicated otherwise) and that he'd not used porn since our conversation/ my ultimatum 5 years ago. Over the last few days, with my continued questioning, he's admitted he started using pornography again years ago.
He says it is a compulsion for the illicit.
I think it's the tip of the iceberg and my trust is now detonated.
I can't bear the thought that he was doing this on our holiday and gaslighting me. I can feel only contempt for him.
He says that he loves me and it would be foolish of me to leave a man who adores me.
Well I don't feel adored.
We all have free will..he can do as he chooses, but i have the right to not live with a man who chooses to use pornography. We also hardly ever have sex, although I'm attractive and keep in really good shape etc. He has never really wanted to address the lack of sex between us, it has always been me getting upset and bringing up the subject.
I feel done and finished. Unfortunately I can't move out for 12 months because my son has a year left at university and is living at home. So now I have to live alongside this man ( separate bedrooms anyway because he snores) in a way that doesn't affect my son ( I'm not going to tell my son of my plans because stability at uni is too important) or my mental health.
Has anyone in MN had to live with a husband while employing a ' grey rock' technique and come out of it successfully with their sanity intact?
Thanks you for reading to the end.