MIL changed inheritance

[deargodno]

FIL sadly passed away a few years ago from a terminal illness and had arranged will, inheritance etc with MIL before he did - they agreed on everything together as to what the kids would inherit after she died, as everything of his went to her.

The 5 adult kids were set to have everything split equally between them in this arrangement. 2 children were biologically his, 3 were not but he raised them and wanted everything split equally.

Last year MIL fell out with one of the kids and quietly had everything changed. Now the majority goes to the 2 kids she likes the most, 2 in the middle get less, and the one she fell out with gets a lot less.

My OH is now one of the middle tier inheriters. We assumed everyone else knew about the situation but we recently found out that she's not told the other middle inheriter that she's changed the will, nor the one at the bottom. We think this is because she knows they're likely to be upset about it - she has an established history of favouring certain kids over others just generally, and it does upset my OH because he knows as a kid he was left out of things and never given as much time or attention.

We are not super close to the others - would you tell them or not? We don't care about the money because we have a good income, but the other middle/bottom don't and also have kids to think about and plan for. (The 2 top inheriters are already in the strongest financial position in their day to day lives).

We have encouraged her to tell them multiple times but she's had a year to tell them and not done it, and is evasive when it's brought up.

But then again maybe next year she'll fall out with someone else and change it all again?

I guess my question is, if you were one of the kids where your inheritance had been changed unfavourably, would you have wanted/expected someone else to tell you about it if they knew you didn't know?

To not want to be put in the middle of a difficult family situation isn't being a vulture

It's not your will, or even your family member's will, and not your information to share. People should be living within their means. Nobody should be basing their deciding to have children and lifestyles on money they may or may not receive in a will so that is absolutely no justification for sharing information. It sounds very grabby and as others have said, vulture-like if people are relying on inheritance to live.

Where there are costs involved, you can always force a sale. Anyway, all may go on care home fees or she may sell herself

Disagree. Although MIL can indeed leave her estate to whomever she wants, she is going against FILs wishes.

It sounds like you've encouraged MIL to tell the others and now given its been a year, I personally would say something to the others in an email along the lines of
"You may already know but MIL has varied the will, so I'd suggest you all.have a conversation with her about it". I'd send this to all of them, as it's possible the favoured ones would also not want to have a disproportionate share and so may want to say something to MIL themselves.

Why did she tell your DH and not the others btw?

MIL can leave it to whichever children she likes, but if they want to share it out again fairly once they’ve received it, that up to them. Once they have the inheritance, by then, it’s their money to do with as they want.

I would ignore it and leave well alone.

Your father in law's wishes are now completely irrelevant. He is deceased and his will left everything to his wife. What she does with her will now is her own choice.

She may change her will again at some point, or not. She may tell you that she's changed it, or tell one of the others, or tell none of you. It's beyond your control so don't try to have any involvement.

If the two bigger inheritants are financially blessed already and don't need the money they could decide to donate some of their bigger share to the less financially blessed siblings, but again, that's beyond your control so don't give it any further thought.

Your mother in law may spend every penny she has before she died, that's also beyond your control.

Just leave it alone.

OP. I understand where you're coming from. MIL doesn't seem to care that her choices could drive a wedge between her children. Also now that you've been told her plan you can't 'unknow' this information and in your shoes I would feel.like I was colluding with a nasty secret.

However it's also true the will may change again, it could on xare home fees etc etc. Let your DH decide what he thinks is best.

One is and one isn't.

I'm not sure to be honest, I'm wondering if it's because in her head he's still a child (there's a big age gap between the 2 not told and my OH) and the opinions of the other 2 are much more important to her as she treats them as equals so she's worried about them being displeased/upset).

Are all 5 adult children MIL's biological kids?

I would leave the woman alone in this case. Imagine 5 adults and their partners that makes 10 and may be some opiniated teens coming all at you with all their questions. Nightmare. Let her die in peace and you get what you get and tough titties

It's pretty shitty of your MIL, but suspect there's not much you can do about it.

Honestly I'd stay out of it. The poor woman's still alive!!

Its none of your business, although I appreciate that as it stands it could cause you some issues.
MIL isn't dead yet and could change the will again or it could all go on care fees.
No point in worrying about it/causing arguments until its relevant

It's none of your business. If she wants money for repairs on the home, I'd give it in exchange for a percent of ownership of the house e.g. £10,000 for 10 percent of the house, so he gets it after she's passed on. If she says no, then help her downsize to a ground floor flat. She can use the release cash to.pay for.future.repairs.

I think that MIL is being unfair. Unless one of your children has done something terrible, I think that inheritance should be split equally. It seems particularly unfair that the 2 DC in the best financial position will benefit the most from her amended will. She is also ignoring her late husband's wishes.

It is unfair that some but not all of her children know about the amended will which puts them in a difficult position. MIL should be honest with all her children.

Used to get on well but she drove a wedge between everyone - basically making up stories that weren't true and running to one of the others about it to get them onside, if someone had said some small thing she didn't like it got deliberately exaggerated into something far more extreme. There were no favourites for this one, she just went between everyone depending on the day.

I think FIL dying affected her a lot and she can't come to terms with it and it's created an entire personality overhaul. She used to be totally, totally different.

However, she has always been very controlling and very insecure. She's very much a "pick me" and used to present every situation as if she was the hero and saved the day - for example she wouldn't come to visit, she would come and have to fix a situation and do a really great job at it. Like she couldn't do something to help people because she wanted to help, it was helping people so she could tell everyone else how great she was for helping. I guess in a way she's created the same insecurities with her own kids in choosing to give some more attention than others. But more recently it's been running to others in the family for attention as a "poor victim" type, over things that are so tiny they're non-existent and then blown up over all logical proportion.

Last time I saw her she said some absolutely appalling things about my SIL's weight that she never would have said before. The way she was describing her I was genuinely worried she was on death's door, made out she couldn't dress herself anymore. And when I saw her, SIL hadn't even gained any weight and looked no different to me.

I can see why the others believe her stories, I've even pulled OH up on it a couple of times where I can hear him complaining about some other situation in the family that she's told him about, and pointed out that we actually don't know what happened at all because he's only heard her side of it.

So now you are turning it about her character. It was about the money ok? Leave the old woman alone. She has done already her fair share raising the whole lot of you

Yes

Trust me, I would love to be ignorant of this whole situation, I hate knowing things other people don't.

I would distance yourself from MIL and the situation. Whatever you do, you will be blamed by someone.

She hasn't raised me at all.

I've already said to DH that I wish she was set to give everything to charity because then it would be fair.

Thanks for the advice everyone, I think I'm going to try and forget I know anything about it and not bring it up again. I am trying to stay out of all the drama but unfortunately keep getting dragged back in, so I think this was my warning to stay on that route!

The inheritance involves commercial property that will be split multiple ways, so OH will be financially tied to them as they won't sell any of them, and I am financially tied to him.

'No thank you' is what he needs to say if he doesn't want to inherit the financial tie. If you don't want to and he does, divorce?