Dating Thread 250 - Autumn

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

I'm feeling really despondent tonight. I've been using Hinge on and off for a few months now and have probably sent out over 100 likes. Not a single match 😳

My profile is has effort, a mix of pictures inc full length, showing my personality etc. I always thought I was reasonably attractive but I'm really questioning this! For a while I felt too fat to date (rightly or wrongly) but having lost 5 stone and feeling great this lack of interest has been a bit of a shock.

Is it really this hard for an early 30s woman in London to get a date?

Well actually I am open to both as I enjoy male company. Early conversations are certainly much more about common interests etc than 'what are you looking for'. But I am just so surprised that my experience seems to be the polar opposite to many women's. For context I am what one would refer to as 'conventionally attractive' and dress very feminine.

Awww bless you!

one thing I have learnt from OLD dating is it’s very rarely about you. They use algorithms and realistically you will only ever be shown to 10-15% of people on the subject app, and these people are typically people you wouldn’t swipe right on.

i have tinder gold And I get around 10 likes a day, but I can honestly say I would not swipe right on any of them, yet the ones I would swipe right never like me, yet I’d give myself a solid 7.5/10.

it wouldn’t surprise me if tinder, bumble and hinge are all owned by the same people and it’s a way of getting you to rotate around the various apps and spend money on upgrading membership.

call my cynical but….

It's all bs isn't it? I wonder how they work it.

I've just got a new match apparently. He's messaged.... "Hey!"

I mean, William Shakespeare couldn't have put it more succinctly. It's like a lost sonnet.....

I get heys all the time. I bloody hate them.

i just message Hey! Straight back and see how many one word messages we send before they get bored and move on.

normally go a bit like this:

hey!
hey!
u ok?
yeah, you?
👍
what you up to?
not much you?
same
haha
haha

then it usually end around this point . It’s becoming quite a Fun game actually.

Sorry you’re feeling this way. Dating is hard, but I don’t think it’s you. We’ve just come off a weird time of year - I went from the most likes I have ever had to the least in a few days. I really refined my filters and spent time swiping right mainly due to location. I’m in the north and all of these men in the south. Made me question if I should consider relocating! Quite extreme but only a few days into the new year.

I think as others have also said the algorithms are weird. It may be worth deleting and creating a new profile to restart it.

@Datesandprunes Oh, maybe try Bumble. Hinge used to be my go to, but hardly matched with anyone last year on it.

Sorry you're finding it tough. There is someone out there for everyone (at least one someone) so you will strike gold soon enough. I'm in awe of you losing 5 stone!! Do you mind if I ask how you did it? Maybe you are radiating such badass confidence that you are intimidating the hell outta them! But huge well done nevertheless!

I have arranged my first date with an online match for Sunday. I feel terrified that this is outing, but I feel fairly sure he's not going to be lurking on the dating thread on mumsnet. Is he?!

Can you imagine 😅

Just make sure he is genuine. I had a bad experience where I got stood up. Was really weird.

So I just got home from my Breeze date with Mr Chemist. There were at least 10 other couples from Breeze having drinks as when I told the barman what I was there for he whipped out a long list to tick my name off.

My date was about 15 minutes late which annoyed me as I dislike lateness, although he did text before he officially became late, then again about 5 minutes before he arrived.

I don't know whether I just got reasonably lucky given we'd never spoken before, but he was nice. Looked like his pictures and was the height he said he was. We had a good chat and I enjoyed his company, though there wasn't a huge spark of attraction from my side, although I did think he is objectively attractive.

Couple of things I hmmmed at; I asked about the relationship with his EXDW, and she apparently hates him, even though they've been split up 15 years, she's married to someone else and she has had 4 other DC with her second DH. He "lost" contact with his 20 year old DD from ages 12-15, and that was all due to his EXDW, and since he reunited with his DD, the DD and her now DH live with him. He seemed a bit of a loner, as didn't seem to have many other friends, and I'd ideally like you to meet someone who has a full life.

Not sure if I'm reading too much into the above, but he's asked for a second date and I've agreed, so let's see how this develops.

Sorry to hear that, but it's not you. Try not to take it to heart, you need the hide of a rhino to come through OLD unscathed!

I'd go on a couple of sites as you do find different people on there. I'm currently doing Tinder, PoF and Breeze, though tried Hinge, Match and FB dating in the past.

P.S. Congratulations on the weight loss, you've done amazingly well 👏👏👏

@OchreHedgehog Good luck on your date! What do you have planned?

@Starseeking Good to hear you had a nice time on the date. I know what you mean about wanting someone with a full life. A 'green' flag for me is someone who has lots of friends and an active social life. I wouldn't want a boyfriend who depended on me too much. But I've got friends who like to spend a lot of time with their OH and wouldn't like the idea of a man with lots of hobbies and friends outside the relationship.

Sending hugs, it's tough. I feel like a lot of men on there seem initially decent then just seem to want someone to wank to. It's very very odd what has happened to men.

Try being 55 😅😂😁 luckily I can just laugh at the weirdos. And I've met some really decent men on there as well. They are on there. Don't give up hope xxx

@Crushed23 absolutely. I brought up the concept of Living Apart, Together, as I'm realising that that's probably the kind of relationship I'm looking for, and while he didn't recoil, on the face of it he seems like he would need more than that kind of arrangement to fill his life.

Living Apart, Together is perfect for me as I don't particularly want or need to blend my DC with anyone else's (see Step-Parenting Board for all the horror stories), and I don't want to risk getting stuck living with a lazy man (my EXDP only became that way after we'd had DC).

@PeachyKeane I know he exists IRL as I have been able to google him. He has a business. But who knows if he will turn up or turn out to be married or be 20 years older than his photos. And if I can get past that, whether there will be a spark. I'm expecting very little so will be delighted if he's even just nice.

@Crushed23 a coffee date, which could extend into lunch if we hit it off.

He has indicated he's looking for something serious, and Ive explained I don't see myself moving in with anyone. So it might be that our aims are out of kilter.

It really is needle in a haystack stuff this romance lark!

@Starseeking - I would say it is much more common for women to have a busy social life when single than men so I would not take this as a red flag at all. in my experience, very few middle aged or even younger men have a busy social when they are not in a relationship and a lot of men tend to depend on women to organise the social side of things. This is quite common amongst my married friends or friends in a relationship.
I also have a couple of friends where the women don’t have a busy social life at all when in a relationship so should they find themselves single they are likely to be like the man you describe.

Thanks @occhiazzurri. How are things going in your dating world at the moment?

@Starseeking - I guess I have reached the middle age when women are supposed to be invisible to single men. So I am not dating because I haven’t met a single male that was interested IRL despite being out and about all the time. So I am planning to join few sports clubs (gym seems pointless for meeting anyone in my case) and hope someone will eventually become single.

Question to everyone who's willing to answer - how many people are you actively 'dating' - texting, phoning, meeting up with?

And who's in the 'looking but haven't found yet' stage and how long has it been?

Oh this is actually a tough one… Texting around 10, looking at who has texted this week and text/ try to flirt most days, I wouldn’t consider myself to be dating any of them though.

Out of that lot I’d consider 2 as prospects and 1 LTR potential but I’m not sure where I stand with him.

I’ve had about 9 months of ‘almost but not quite dating someone’ involving 2 different guys who I’m still in touch with. My friends have now put me on a deadline to at least get some sex this January as this is getting silly 😇

You?

Erm... so I have just met my soul mate this evening. The loveliest man ever. Exactly the same age as me, matched this morning randomly. Not even sure who matched with who tbh. I'd had an evening last night which had driven me to despair with the OLD scene, a bloke who I thought was OK basically wanking at me. Was grim.

So was very dispirited by the whole thing. Anyway not sure what happened really but we matched, texted immediately, had stuff in common but busy days. Arranged to meet this evening. He turned up with chocolates for me (eating them in bed now) and was just the loveliest man ever. So similar to me, we have loads in common. So I have had the best evening 😌 do not give up hope of meeting someone decent is my take from this.

Fabulous news! I love an instant spark. Although I have had sparks that have not ended up being the real deal so I'm more wary of them these days. Hopefully that won't be the case here!
Good luck & keep us posted.

I’ve just got home from my 4th date with Mr HK. I think I need to ‘end it’.

I enjoy his company, especially when we’ve both relaxed after a couple of drinks and can get past safe topics and have deep and meaningful conversations. But things are just not progressing. I don’t think there is any romantic interest on either side. I realised I am only continuing to go on dates with him because I convinced myself this is a slow burner. It isn’t. Goodness knows why he keeps going on dates with me.

I need to draft a message to him tomorrow or early next week. I don’t think it warrants a face to face break-up given we’re not even really dating, but I do want to send as nice a message as possible because he’s been lovely really. Such a gentleman.

When I first start dating my Mr Local back in August, he was one of three I was dating. After third date and before we got intimate I stopped seeing the others. We broke up start of November.

I’ve been back on the apps since just after Christmas, speaking to several and had knocked a few on the head for being sexual in their intent as I’m looking for more than that. Had two dates fall through - one not ready to date after a call (he was lovely) and the other was ill (but we had spoken earlier in 2024 and think he is a little flaky). Paid for the week as @ElleintheWoods had suggested to another poster and have an offer for a fiver. Worth having a noisey.