Dating Thread 250 - Autumn

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

But we met up at least 4 times last year and I explained that I wasn't really ready for a relationship then we met up last week with an arrangement to meet yesterday...he was sick (, which I think is genuine)...

Yes it's really normal to feel pissed off when you get ghosted. It's a really horrible thing to do. You need to do something nice for yourself and focus on the fact that it means he is not right for you.

I think it’s a bit like when you are driving and need to get out at a junction with no lights. You get really pissed off at people who drive past and don't let you out. You think "what a selfish, thoughtless bastard - couldn't they even show the slightest bit of common courtesy?!" However, how often have you found yourself driving past someone stuck at a junction who's maybe even edged out a few feet and you drive past, thinking "F them, cheeky fuxker Im not letting them out - why do they think I owe them anything- I'm not a wet doormat!!" 😁

@OchreHedgehog thank you. I think the advice that he is not right is very sensible. Not 100 per cent sure I get the driving analogy. I wouldn't and haven't ever ghosted anyone - I just send a message. What really feels off is that he reached out to me this time after last year. Oh well, your advice still makes sense. Thank you for responding.

Yes in that case, he's shit. And it is very rude and annoying. I would feel pissed off as well.

The thing is he's really not that shy!

Conversation flow is great, and he agreed to the indoor climbing date I suggested for our 3rd date and got stuck in (didn't care about falling over, looking stupid etc.). He just seems to be overly cautious when it comes to flirting / moving things forward.

I think I need to be a bit more encouraging somehow, like try to be a bit more sexy on dates? Looking back at our first 3 dates I definitely dressed conservatively and for the weather! Unfortunately it's 0 degrees here tomorrow and we'll be walking, so no chance of dressing up. Maybe something for date #5 if we make it haha.

Do you mean on the app / before you've met?

Yeah for me that's an instant turn off and instant unmatch usually.

I've even started unmatching guys whose opening message is "hey sexy" or words to that effect. Just no.

Usually once we move to WhatsApp. It seems like most of them. I don't mind a bit of flirtatious banter, but I need to meet them irl first to see if I actually fancy them.

Well good for you as what I mean is that ghosting is something many of us do and when we are the ghoster we seem to conveniently forget just how absolutely horrible it is to be on the receiving end of it!

You just can't chase a ghost. If they are not interested/ courteous enough to drop a quick text then they are not worth your time. And it is THEM not you!! It will be natural to question whether you could have done or said something different, but don't. You haven't. It’s his bad. And that raw hurt feeling will pass in a few days.

Yeah, I hate that.

I just assume they must be sex starved and don't have much luck with women, then start to wonder what it is about them that ultimately repels women. It would also make me think that they don't actually like me, they just want to get laid.

Ah @Crushed23 you're now making me think he doesn't want to ruin it by offending you by being 'ungentlemanly'. So yeh, you maybe need to indicate that you wouldn't be averse to a bit of hotter flirting. This should be a good sign though - if he's being cautious it’s because he wants it to work.

You're right. If only I wasn't awkward AF and could actually instigate flirting. I sent one semi-flirty text on NYE and he just 'hearted' it. Didn't send a flirty message back. I obviously need to up the ante.

Thanks for the advice! Will definitely report back.

Thank you. I certainly wouldn't suggest meeting up with someone, give a specific date to make arrangements and then do nothing. I had a date arranged with another guy but after reconnecting with this guy, I sent the first guy a message explaining that I had reconnected with someone that I had met before and I felt it was unfair to meet him, saying it could be everything or nothing but it felt unfair to meet in the circumstances. I don't regret doing it because it's the right thing to do.

We're all awkward! Embrace it!

@Rosiecidar that only further confirms you are a person of integrity and someone who doesn't take decency and courtesy seriously is not a good match for you.

A random question, are any of you bothered about how many people you’re sleeping with? I don’t mean at once, just in general 😅

I haven’t had sex since November (break up sex…), and I am trying to be really focused who I’m connecting with, potentially going on dates with, particularly as I’m mindful of how many men I have slept with so far and conscious for me that I just don’t want more short-term relationships. I know I can’t yell the future and no guarantees. Is it just one of those things that comes with dating, and should I be more relaxed?

I have had two dates fall through this week, and I have declined two men who kept saying how hot I was and how much fun we could have together (really off putting) but I want more than that.

I don’t think a degree is here nor there to be honest. I do think it’s off to judge people if they don’t have one, and I don’t think it’s necessary these days - quite an old fashioned view.

I have an MA, working class background and know loads of highly intelligent men who didn’t go to uni.

We often have men on the thread, and same sex dating too! Really good to get their perspective.

It honestly doesn't cross my mind.

I'm 35 and I've been in serious relationships for a total of 7 years since I was 16 (3.5 years, 1 year and 2.5 years). The rest has been short-term relationships and hook-ups, with the odd dry spell (longest was about a year). So I've racked up a decent number. Doesn't bother me one bit and I've never been with a guy for whom my sexual history would be a problem (nor would I ever go out with a guy like that).

Sex is great. I wouldn't limit it over something as inconsequential as number of sexual partners. Who cares? Who even has to know except you?

@LittleFloatingGhost do you mean you have a maximum number you don't want to exceed - in your lifetime?! Attitudes to sex are hugely subjective and varied. Personally I don't take it too seriously. It’s just a fun activity for two people to enjoy together.

Re the degree thing- I really don't judge potential dates if they are not graduates. But there isn't a 'level of intelligence' filter, so education level is the only decent option to help focus the search and save time. And without any filters at all surely we are just judging people entirely on looks, which really does strike me as not only superficial but quite offensive.

I’m 40, and like you had some long relationships, but since being single the last few years I have had a good time. I was just a little wary of how good and no idea why?!

They really are. After my last short-term relationship ended which I took badly, I’m just getting back out there.

Re the degree thing, I have never filtered on it, just surprised me. Only on distance, not a smoker or vaper and height - I’m quite tall. I do avoid those photos on sofas, wearing sunglasses, posing by a car, or have scary dogs in the photos and profiles using words which I know annoy me. I filter quite a bit! 🤣

Thankyou, that’s a lovely thing to say.

I have a couple of ‘alter egos’ on MN but this is my favourite thread as it’s such a non toxic thread and it’s really interesting to hear your POV and I hope the few men on here can also help you ladies.

I suppose the bottom line is that if we filter on anything- looks, education, finances, skin/ hair colour, holiday preference, accent, whatever - then we are potentially guilty of being prejudiced. But it’s human nature to only want to couple up with people who we fancy. And our fancy-o-meter is selective.

It’s true!

You’ll only find LittleFloatingGhost on this thread too 🤣

How is dating as a man?

I'm bisexual so date men and women. Both very different experiences but each have pros and cons