Dating Thread 250 - Autumn

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

I can usually tell from someone's job title and the lifestyle they're living whether they'd be compatible with mine without asking about specific numbers!

Totally agree with this. I don't think I've ever asked a man his exact salary apart from ExDP when he moved in with me and I was working out how much rent to charge him.

Key clues for me are: job title (confirmed on LinkedIn), number of years into their career, whether they own/rent, size of apartment, which neighbourhood they live in and type of travel they do.

There are definitely age differences amongst some of us here and that makes a big difference in how we approach dating/ relationships in general.

When I was younger, I was thinking about whether I wanted to build a life with someone. So what they did and earned was of interest, but I was more interested in whether they might form a good team with me to achieve things (house, marriage, creating a lifestyle together, would you be embarrassed sitting beside them at parent/teacher night?). In this situation it’s important to focus on questions around motivation and future goals to test for common ground:

What do you have lined up for 2025?
What are you hoping to achieve next in your job/ hobby/ fitness goals?

Now I'm old(er) now and have a life built. I'm not going to move. I have a house, a well established career, a routine and way of living. So I'm not looking for someone to help me achieve those things. I need someone who can compliment them.

So my questions are more about what kind of life they have built for themselves, why and how it might fit with mine.

The NYT questions are about getting deeper once you have done basic eligibility checks. There's no point using the NYT questions until you've got to the point of thinking the guy has some potential in practical terms.

And one final question that I will always ask at some point is 'what kind of porn do you watch?' It's vital these days. Their reaction reveals a huge amount. Some of the stuff men are immersed in online is horrific and extremely dangerous and yet there is no tell tale sign the way there is with drug or alcohol addiction. If they are addicted to porn it is vital to know. And to run.

one final question that I will always ask at some point is 'what kind of porn do you watch?' It's vital these days. Their reaction reveals a huge amount. Some of the stuff men are immersed in online is horrific and extremely dangerous and yet there is no tell tale sign the way there is with drug or alcohol addiction. If they are addicted to porn it is vital to know. And to run.

What is safe and what isn't? And will they be honest about it?

That's why the reaction is most important. A good answer is 'I know why you're asking this and I am very careful because I know it can cause a lot of problems'.

A worrying answer is anything diversionary or outright 'Ive never watched any'. They all have.

But I'm not for one minute suggesting it's a first date question!!!

OK interesting thanks. I'm learning on the job here 😂

I think I come from a different angle. I don’t want someone arrogant or materialistic. But ambition is important but that doesn’t have to be job related it can be travel based/interest based. If morals/values align that is the most important for me. I feel I can ask questions but a lot of people may say what they want me to hear. I feel a lot of men are interested in a physical relationship before wanting to open up to much. I wouldn’t like to be asked about my finances. It’s not their business but they don’t need to provide for me. I prefer a first date to be friendship/fun based. If I’m unsure about a second date then I’ve learnt to listen to my gut feeling. Another important part for me was working on my stuff and knowing what I did/didn’t need. I have asked once I got to know someone about porn but haven’t thought to ask about type I’m not sure many men would give an honest answer. But if you’re in a physical relationship I think you can tell tbh as they are learning from it basically!

@Starseeking I’ve had a similar experience to you, as in people have picked up I am comfortable at a relatively young age and I feel like their questions are to figure out how comfortable exactly. I really don’t like that. A lot of my peers are in the ‘houses and pensions’ stage and keep wanting to engage me on the subject, I don’t engage and let people assume I have no house, pension or anything else. Unfortunately I’ve had a number of negative experiences of people getting awkward once they realise my background and I don’t want to be hurt again due to something that isn’t my fault.

I really don’t care what they have or don’t have as long as I like their company.

@Crushed23 I see what you mean about similar lifestyles, but surely that becomes very apparent once you start talking about travel, things they like to do etc? People choose to spend money in different ways also. I’ve dated several guys with a very basic income who travel very extensively and prioritise nice food/style, but also bought a house in their early 20s.

And someone who was very wealthy but knew the exact price of coffee in every chain and chose where to go based on that! Well maybe that’s why he was wealthy 🙈

The last 2 blokes I dated both only had GCSEs but actually started working age 16-17 and were well ahead in terms of ‘adult milestones’ and more mature than any graduate by age 20-21. Very switched on, curious about a broad range of topics, well put together and immaculate manners especially when going to places, better holidays than me.

It’s easier dating the same background in ways, sure, but it’s not a job interview, I want someone to date me on my own merits, eg looks/ personality. And I’ve definitely had dates that have felt very much like job interviews!

@Caramellie3

I wouldn’t like to be asked about my finances. It’s not their business but they don’t need to provide for me. I prefer a first date to be friendship/fun based.

Yes, agree.

I really find the opposite though, men seem to be really keen to talk and open up before moving to anything physical? I’m not sure what I’m doing ‘wrong’. Not that I’m completely unhappy with that as I do like to get to know someone properly, but I do not really have anyone trying to sleep with me early on and it seems to differ from other people’s experiences.

Following

What kind of first dates do you guys have 😂 Or are we talking about first "proper date", not a coffee meet. I might ask how long they've been single etc but I prefer to have these conversations face to face to see their body language.

Hello 👋 - I’m new to OLD. Last time I was dating was pre-smartphone and dating sites, so trying to get my head round the options and the etiquette.
Have signed up on Bumble, seem to be slim pickings there though. I’m being pretty picky though - shirtless, in bed etc pix, guys looking for ‘a lady’ etc are out and otherwise there needs to be lots of the right vibe emanating from their profile.
I’m not sure if this is the best app. I’m based in the south east. Has there been a previous post about the pros and cons of the various apps?? If so if anyone can point me to that that would be great…
I’m late forties, divorced and out of a subsequent long term relationship a few months ago.
life is busy with work and kids - so don’t want to give up time to spend with people I’m just not that into. Looking for some dates now and then preferably with the same person, making a connection that might develop into something more in the longer term - but can’t handle another serious LTR right now.
Any tips welcome and I’ll continue to read through the thread and learn from others’ experiences!
Obv real life opportunities would be preferable but have not met a single guy in the last 6 months where there was any promise. Hence resorting to OLD….

Slightly beside the point of your post, but: why are guys looking for 'a lady' a no no? It really puts me off when they use that phrase ("looking for a lovely lady" eyeroll), but I don't know why!

There are so many things that irrationally give me the ick.

"looking for a lady"
"no drama"
"casually looking for something serious"

Some positive news for the weekend - Mr HK has suggested a 4th date! 🥳 So maybe I've been forgiven for not liking fantasy fiction haha. It's only coffee and a walk so I don't think sex is on the cards just yet...

I've had to cancel the Tinder date and I don't think I'll reschedule because I realised that I only said yes to it because Mr HK was taking forever to suggest a 4th date. I'm putting all my eggs in one basket, I know, but i don't have the headspace for too much multi dating (still chatting to the second guy from Tinder who I might go on a date with when he's back in the city mid-Jan).

Hope everyone has a great weekend - I'll report back if anything of note happens on date #4!

Just not for me. I guess to me it suggests potentially ‘traditional’/old fashioned views. I wouldn’t say I as looking for a gentleman either! But that may be what floats some people’s boats 🤷‍♀️

I really find the opposite though, men seem to be really keen to talk and open up before moving to anything physical? I’m not sure what I’m doing ‘wrong’. Not that I’m completely unhappy with that as I do like to get to know someone properly, but I do not really have anyone trying to sleep with me early on and it seems to differ from other people’s experiences.

@ElleintheWoods I think this is partly due to the stigma attached about being too forward, or too easy on a first date.

I kid you not , the amount of profiles that state ' I do not kiss on the first date' I am not a casual type of girl' ' I do not do ONS' and ' i need emotional connection before anything physical happens ' - It's no wonder some men are a little hesitant to try and get their leg over on a first or second date!

@Jojo855 I like a man to try to get their leg over in the first few dates (though admittedly not first date, that is offputting) and for me to decide if I want to have sex with them or not. I want a man to show sexual interest and make the first move, always.

I wish men wouldn't be too hesitant / worried about offending. But I can understand why so many of them are if women's profiles say things like 'I don't kiss on a first date'!

I am determined to sit side by side with Mr HK tomorrow on our coffee date to give him ample opportunity to put his hand on my leg, kiss and just FLIRT with me, for god's sake. 😁 The only direct compliment he has paid me in 3 dates, and weeks of texting, is "I like that you know what you want" 🤦‍♀️

First date always a casual drink or a few for me. Can be coffee or cocktails, daytime or evening!

Hmmm first or 2nd date with a stranger would be too early for me for sure. I 100% need a connection, trust, attraction etc. I have tried sex with people I don’t really know during my lifetime and I just get nothing out of it, no enjoyment.

I’m not sure how to best describe what my frustration is… It’s more that guys IRL hover around me and confess their hopes and fears and message daily… But don’t make a move, so I just presume it’s friendship. And then about a year or 2 later they confess they’ve been really attracted to me for ages. I’ve asked a couple of friends why that might be and they say ‘they don’t think they’d have a chance with you/ everyone thinks you’re taken’ but I don’t fully buy it.

The latest guy I was seeing hovered around me for months and then even after all that, no sex.

I don’t really OLD but if I do chat to someone new that’s looking to date me, I do tell them I need to know and trust someone before I feel sexually attracted to them to manage expectations.

However I’m just in a situation where there’s lots of guys that talk to me all the time, meet up with me all the time (I’m including platonic friends in that), but hardly anyone actually tries to have sex with me.

I have had the ‘I never thought you’d be interested in me’ comment from guys I’ve slept with in the past, but again I just think it’s people giving empty compliments rather than the real reason.

Confused 🤷‍♀️ As so many women seem to be saying all guys want is sex and then disappear, mine seems to be ‘they just want to talk’ 🙈 In all fairness my day job does involve counselling (mostly) men so suppose people do find they can open up to me.

I’m at a stage now where I may just go for someone purely for sex with no LTR potential. But again I’ve tried this in the past and it hasn’t really done it for me 🤷‍♀️

So many conversations I'm having with men seem to turn sexual really quickly 😅 🙃 is it me??? Or are they all sex obsessed 🤔

Oooh @Crushed23 I can't wait to hear how it goes with Mr HK! He sounds a wee bit shy? Which I suppose is a standard geek trait. But a man who sits beside a woman on a date and doesn't try to out his hand on her hand or knee may as well be a corpse in my book!!

On the sex/ no sex - surely this is all a communication/ miscommunication issue? And if communication is bad, that's a serious problem which can only get worse in my experience. And I mean all types of communication- not just factual "I would like to have sex with you" type statements. Communication needs to gel on the body language, intimation, reading between the lines and nuance levels as well.

It would frustrate me too, you're not dating for friends are you? You're dating for a lover surely.....

Can I ask a question? I had a few dates with a guy last year but wasn't in the right headspace following a break up and I let him know and things dissolved. Anyway he was on OLD and we reconnected, we met again and were meant to go for a second date yesterday but he was unwell and cancelled so he said he would let me know today so we could re -arrange - not heard a thing. Am really pissed off, should I be ?

Seems par for the course really, the main problem seems to be to get men actually meeting up in reality. Loads of them seem to just want to sext endlessly and ask for photos.... really odd. I don't just want to be wank fodder, I like an actual physical connection with someone real.

Personally; although I don’t directly turn the conversation sexual, I do tend to talk about sex quite early on. I’m not sure if this makes sense but I know what I mean!

sex to me in a relationship is so important, so I like to establish their thoughts on sex quite early on, it doesn’t mean I want to sleep with them on the first date; but I want to know we won’t be a once a month type of couple because that just wouldn’t work for me.