Dating Thread 250 - Autumn

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Yes well you’re right that anyone looking down on others because of their job is a shit and you’re right to skip them. There is a male/ female thing here too of course. Men usually find it harder to be with someone who earns more than them. At my age, I’m not going to be opening up a joint account with anyone so I have to be sure that he isn’t looking for financial coupling and can afford to do the things and go to the places I enjoy.

Crushed23 · Today 19:39
I think it's less about level of education and more about shared experience / background.

YES!! That’s exactly what I’m on about but clearly too inarticulate to say it!

In fairness, I think fantasy fiction is a sort of personality/ background qualifier so I can see how Mr HK is maybe wondering if you have a future when you don’t like it. He may not need you to participate in his hobby, but he might be worried about being judged as people who don’t like sci fi and fantasy fiction are often judged/ written off as geeks and weirdos by non-fans (I am a proud Star Trek fan btw!!)

I'm not judging Mr HK for liking fantasy fiction but I can see how he might worry about that.

I suppose he is quite geeky (definitely has a geeky job) but I don't mind that. He's outgoing so it's not like I'm worried he won't want to travel and go on adventures together because he's too busy reading FF.

Anyway, he hasn't suggested a 4th date so I think he has lost interest.

I'm actually chatting to 3 other guys on Tinder, which is more than I can handle. I think I'm going to let one conversation fizzle out and go on a date with the other two, though only one has arranged a date.

I'm strangely offended that he doesn't want to sleep with me 😂 Like, he might have written me off as not girlfriend material, but how has he not even tried to bed me?! (I fancy him and 100% 'would', but I hate making the first move.)

lols! Definitely send him a very clear message. Sure if he’s gone cold you have nothing to lose. Something like ‘you seem to have gone quiet which is a pity because I was really looking forward to sleeping with you’ and see what happens!

@ochrehedgehog I got accepted in 1-2 days, it's quite fast process, good luck

I find less filters are better, I use only the "deal-breaker" ones.

@OchreHedgehog I would find that too awkward. It would have to be something like inviting him over to my apartment to watch a film. Except I don't have a TV. Argh!

Even better! “Do you fancy coming to my apartment to Netflix and chill at the weekend? (Btw, I don’t have a tv) 😉” 😜

Haha… My ex has a PhD and he has that picture. He’s also clever and lovely, just bad with pictures! Come to think of it most of my nicer exes would probably have a fuzzy odd picture of themselves.

I’m in my 30s. Usual first date question include:

• Do you own or rent? (Most recent first date I was actually showing the bloke pictures of where I live!!)
• What’s your area like?
• What uni did you go to?
• What do your parents do?
• Questions about job and career history
• What car do you drive?

That seems to be a super dominant theme in early dates with strangers for me 🫤

I’ve also had relative strangers tell me how much money they have in the bank and at what age they can retire! And ‘how much is your gym membership?’

Seriously darling, I’m not interested what your parents do or how much is in your ISA, I just want to get to know you, what you care about, what makes you tick, what makes you happy.

I want to fall in love, not start a joint mortgage application!

Good 😊 I’ll be honest, I was once dating a lovely man, but the moment his started talking about how much money he had it put me off. I think I regret letting this bother me now.

However many men put it on their profile!!!

I’m not sure why people want to talk money so early on…

@ElleintheWoods lols! Google the New York Times 50 questions to fall in love. I think the NYT has a pay wall but I think the list has been reproduced on other free sites. I can attest it does actually work - well it worked for me to the extent that those questions led to the longest and most loving relationship Ive had in my life (until it wasn’t unfortunately, but I still endorse the questions as ideal to secure love).

• • Do you own or rent? (Most recent first date I was actually showing the bloke pictures of where I live!!) • What’s your area like? • What uni did you go to? • What do your parents do? • Questions about job and career history • What car do you drive? @ElleintheWoods *

I'm also in my 30s and I ask all of the above apart from what car because no one drives where I live. I also don't ask about what parents do for a living, as I honestly couldn't care less.

Other questions I ask are:

• Relationship history especially whether they've lived with a girlfriend or not
• How long they've been single (I don't want to be the rebound woman!)
• What kind of travel they do. I love adventure holidays, skiing, mountain climbing, travelling far and wide etc. and want a man who likes the same.
• About their fitness regime 😁 exercise is a huge part of my life and they've got to be into exercise and fitness too. Bonus points if they're an early bird like me and exercise first thing in the morning.

Oh, and I also try to gauge how sociable they are and how many friends they have!

I like a man who has lots of friends and his own life and hobbies, and won't depend on me too much. I also think he's more likely to be a decent guy if lots of people want to be friends with him.

@OchreHedgehog Please post those 50 questions! I might take them to my date on Saturday 😁

Genuine question, but of the questions posted above, do you genuinely not ask the majority of these questions before you meet?

Yes, there's some vetting before a date, of course. But I hate endless messaging and like to have a date arranged within a week of matching which doesn't leave much time for deep and meaningful conversations about career trajectory and past relationships. Not that these discussions should be had over text really.

Same for me. The app had originally said there would be a long waiting time, then next thing I knew, probably the next day, I was in! I've deleted The League now so not using it at the moment.

@ElleintheWoods @Crushed23 sorry it’s actually 36 questions -

https://realloveready.com/blog/the-36-questions-that-lead-to-love-by-the-new-york-times

You wont get through them all in one date. Memorise 3/4. You want to ask them broadly in the right order as they start light and get deeper.

Here are the first 10:

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

@ElleintheWoods perhaps it's because I'm in my early 40's, and already have DC (and I'm not really looking to set up home with anyone or have more DC), the only one of those questions I'd ask men about is their current job (not necessarily their career history!). Maybe that's where I'm going wrong 🤣🤣🤣

@Crushed23 I always about their relationship history on a first date, and because I generally try and date men who already have DC, I ask about their relationship with their DC and their ex DP/DW. I now also ask specifically when their divorce was after going on one date with a chap who had divorced on his profile but had actually only been separated for 3 months, and spent the whole date ranting about what a witch his EXDW was!

Other things I ask about are his living arrangements, what he spends his spare time doing, and other general getting to know you chat.

@OchreHedgehog it would be great if you can post your question list tomorrow (Friday 3 Jan) as I have my Breeze date in the evening so can try it out with him!

@OchreHedgehog Oh god, I can't imagine asking any of those questions on a first date. No wonder I'm so hopeless at dating.

I've really got to graduate past "So who are your favourite DJs?"

Yes my experience exactly! Asking about car finance has happened to me too! I don’t say any of this or advertise it in any way, but if people ask you direct questions, you’re not going to lie, are you?

The ‘how much is your gym membership?’ was the best one so far though.

People are trying to find ways to put others in boxes very quickly when dating.

I’ve had texts along the lines of ‘I’m in awe of your achievements, you shouldn’t play it down’. Erm, ok, but you are literally not going to date me because of said achievements, without considering what I’m like as a person?

I think there’s different ways of asking these questions. Obviously it’s important to find out whether you have similar/ compatible lifestyles. And some of these things can be more along the lines of ‘so tell me your life story?’

But the own/rent thing for example. Or whether you have a fancy car or not. Why? This is purely to figure out someone’s finances.

I don’t really want someone to date me because of my house and car, and I don’t want to date someone because of theirs.

Not sure who this is directed at… But me, no, not really. Generally get talking to someone on an interesting topic, and then various biographical details get revealed as we go along.

Often people volunteer things, if they want to.

Is this weird? Would you ask those?

@ElleintheWoods I think working out someone's financial position is important though. I have always been self sufficient and would never let myself become financially dependent on a man, however it's important to know (roughly) how much money a prospective partner has. I want to maintain a certain lifestyle and continue to do the things that interest me which happen to require healthy disposable income to do. If I couple up with a low earner I may have to cut back on doing things I love.

It's not about going out with someone for their money, it's about finding a partner who has the money to do the things you want to do.

I also find dating men who earn significantly less than me to be very stressful. Money is often the elephant in the room, and you have to be careful not to allude to anything they can't afford to do. Also, these men are more likely to be stingy, in my experience (with things they can definitely afford, like buying you a coffee once in a while).

@OchreHedgehog just seen I was posting at the same time you put up the questions. Thanks, I quite like the questions about family relationships, so will try and weave some of those in.

@ElleintheWoods By the time I left my EXDP I earned 3 times what he did, and he earned a good salary. Instead of celebrating the fact we were a high earning family, he used to put me down about work to the extent that when I once went for a CFO job I never told him, as I knew my increased salary would have made him feel worse about himself.

I'm very wary of men who ask lots of financial questions as a result of that relationship, and would prefer they didn't pry. I can usually tell from someone's job title and the lifestyle they're living whether they'd be compatible with mine without asking about specific numbers!