Dating Thread 250 - Autumn

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

I think it's normal that people have different preferences to what is attractive to them, whether they are physical traits or others.

You need to write no HI-vis vest in your bio...
Your post needs pining it's hilarious...

I filter on education level too (minimum degree level). Not because I don't think there are intellectual builders and whatnot, but just to save time.

@Jojo855 I am not remotely impressed by a man being mortgage free after a disastrous date a few years ago with a man who told me he'd paid off his mortgage (he was around 40 too) and it turned out he managed to do this because he hadn't done much else with his life! All his money had gone towards becoming debt free. I believe in enjoying one's money, living in the present and maximising life experiences - so we essentially had fundamentally different attitudes to money. This is also one of the reasons I run a mile at the faintest hint of stinginess.

Hi All,

I was on here years ago met someone who turned out to be trash as they usually do so back 😊

Currently got a post up about a guy I've recently started dating who I've realised spends about 20k a year on gambling, so I think Mr Horse will be a non runner, I like him though so it's tricky.

So miserable and depressing isn't it!

The last date before him was lovely but I had no attraction.

I wasn't trying to impress you, or anyone else, I was merely pointing out that someone, male or female, can be doing well in life even if they are university educated. I didn't realise people filtered on education level!

The League app was good for the type of men some women on the thread are looking for (professional, educated, decent job etc etc), the issue I found is that it only sends you 3 profiles a day (unless you pay £££), so you potentially have to wait a while before firstly seeing someone you like and secondly in getting a match.

I think I had one match in the year I was on there in 2023. Never met him in the end as a few things didn't stack up when we were chatting.

@Jojo855 Honestly I would have thought education level is the most popular filter after age.

Fair enough, i might have to change mine then!

@Starseeking I agree, it's a slow pace (which suits me, as I'm quite happy with FWBs and only dipping my toes back into "serious" dating). I've had 3 matches in about 4 months but not met anyone IRL. It's "easier" to find similar men in normal dating apps as there are more men in them, although takes bit more effort in finding them.

Yes, I agree with you.

Oh no @TwistedWonder I am really sorry I’ve annoyed you as I really didn’t mean to offend anyone! Genuinely, I get that this is meant to be a supportive thread.

I was not intending to be condescending about people who don’t have certain types of jobs. I admit I am a bit judgemental about the men whose best selfie is reclining on the sofa - it hardly screams ‘making an effort’ - but each to their own. I just mean that I would have nothing in common with someone who doesn’t read a lot of books and have an interest in things like history and politics. I don’t drink and I’m tone deaf so I’m not a pub/ club person and I don’t do package holidays. Again, great for those who are, but it’s not me and I’d likely bore them just as much as they would me.

And also @TwistedWonder, from your previous posts I can see you are definitely not monosyllabic so please don’t be annoyed by me!

Gambling is tricky. It can be very sexy because it’s glamourised. Like excessive drinking and lots of other stuff that, outside of stylised adverts and movies, is actually pretty gross. People addicted to anything will eventually prioritise their addiction over friends, family and their own well being. Be careful with Mr Horse!

@Jojo855 I'm ( nearly ) 40, am mortgage free, have my own business and generally speaking like nice things in life

Out of interest, is this something you put on your profile/ advertise, or get to know someone properly first before you mention mortgage status etc?

I agree. I’m not really bothered about someone having a degree - I mean I have one in what would be considered a prestigious subject, but it’s rubbish really because I didn’t study and got a poor grade. I’m much more interested in interesting people, sparky conversation and secual chemistry.

But!! How else can you filter to identify people who are ‘similar’ and can integrate into each other’s lifestyles? On the odd occasion opposites might attract and make it work as inspired by Pretty Woman. But in reality, I’m not going to take a labourer to the next black tie event I need to attend to network with clients.

@NervesOfCotton I apologise to you too and anyone else who is offended by my pp about the large number of incompatible men Ive found on OLD. I genuinely did not mean to upset anyone.

I’m also not meaning to denigrate non-graduates. But I am standing by my view that opposites don’t work in middle age. We have established lifestyles and habits, friend and professional circles, all of which fit into a limited number of ‘types’ or categories. The National Readership Survey Social Grades are real and the reality is that it is hard to mix people from opposite ends in lasting romantic relationships.

Some labourers have degrees but have changed career paths. I was talking to a labourer recently who was intelligent and interesting with views on history and philosophy. I wouldn’t write someone off because they haven’t got a degree. I work in a ‘proper job’ but do not hold a degree but currently studying towards. Sometimes I think it’s wise to open our options.

People filter on funny things don’t they?

I will never get why women’s most popular filter is height! But to be transparent, I have filtered on height sometimes - 5ft 7 to max 6ft. I just don’t think kissing and other logistics work well if there’s a huge height difference!

I have filtered on education now and then. However the last 2 guys I’ve properly fancied had only GCSEs, and I couldn’t stop talking to them. It’s easier dating someone who has the same background/ life experience (uni and grad job), but I’ve also found some of those men really classist and looking down on certain groups of people. I also feel like my last prospect ended things because he felt like we came from different worlds (wildly different seniority at work, same age). So it’s not easy because in the UK many people seem to think parents’ jobs/ education levels/ money is super important in relationships.

My main filter really tends to be location as I don’t want to date someone super far away, so I start close and expand further. And then it’s down to hobbies/ interests, and what they’ve written on their profile. The writing part is super important.

And then the rest is down to the person.

I have had men tell me women try to suss them out quick, eg ‘what is your job/ what about your house/ car/ future plans’. Currently chatting to a hot smart guy that works in customer service and he doesn’t seem to have had the best of luck!

I have signed up for League. I quite like that it asked a lot of prompt questions and for a ‘life philosophy’ and to choose lots of goal statements like ‘turn my hobby into a side hustle’ and ‘go to bed on time’. And that you have to link it to your LinkedIn profile for verification.

My Richard Burton has a LinkedIn profile despite being (very successful) in a business sector which wouldn’t normally entertain online presence and profiles. I’m now wondering if he created his LinkedIn profile just to join League?!!

However, I’m something like 4,798th on the waiting list and have no friends to refer to accelerate the application! So I may never actually get onto it to see!

I agree that a degree is not a ideal qualifier. But your labourer who has left the rat race is an exception to the rule. So education level and career/ seniority are the best options when time is limited.

OchreHedgehog Appreciate the apology.

My filter has always been age & distance. I actually quite like it when men tell me that my job is unskilled/look down on me because of it, because it saves me wasting any more time on them.

Although I have a STEM degree and two professional qualifications, I don't currently filter by education, as it may be that the person who is perfect for me may never have gone to uni.

That said, I AM looking for someone who would be able to understand and "get" my lifestyle as a woman who earns a good salary. More than once I've had a man be incredulous that I earn enough to employ someone to look after my DC and run my house. I would prefer not to mention it, and don't volunteer this information, however it usually comes up in the conversation around "who looks after your DC while you work/go on dates?".

One guy I had a 3rd date with was shocked that I'd never had a car on finance. Again not volunteered by me, the conversation came up when he was talking about buying a new car and considering whether paying £700 a month for it was reasonable and asked how I'd financed my car and I said I'd bought it for cash.

On OLD finding men of a similar educational or job level are like gold dust, so I can understand why people would use specific filters, with no bad intent.

I currently only use free versions of apps, so I've limited my search by age (41-53) and location (within 30 miles) on Tinder and Hinge, though as PoF and Breeze also allow a height filter I added that (5'11"-6'6") given I'm tall and not slim, and I generally find men who are solidly built attractive.

@ElleintheWoods that does sound encouraging but I wonder if you are perhaps younger than me (my parents are long dead so their careers aren’t relevant and nor are any of my prospects’ parents likely to be either). Still, I take the point and I am aware that I have a lifetime of failed relationships so perhaps it is time I tried something different. I just cannot see the man whose main profile picture is taken while he’s lying on the sofa ending up in my heart or my bed!

Oh goodness no! My previous ex didn’t know I was mortgage free until nearly a year into the relationship.

I think it's less about level of education and more about shared experience / background.

I think shared hobbies is an interesting one because I don't feel like I need a boyfriend to do my hobbies (which are mainly exercise and fitness based), so what does it matter if he is not into the same hobbies as me. I am fine doing my hobbies solo and wouldn't write off a man just because he had a different set of hobbies. However I feel like I am currently being punished for not having the same hobby as a guy - Mr HK has been cold towards me ever since I said I don't like fantasy fiction. 😱 How does a lack of interest in fantasy fiction make me not girlfriend material?!

Oh dear, apologies from me as well 😕

If it helps, my next date is with a guy with no qualifications at all but I find him sexy, funny, and easy to talk to.

Wasn't trying to be snobby. I also filter by height as I'm quite tall for a woman and need my man to be at least as tall as me to find him attractive.