Dating Thread 250 - Autumn

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

@ElleintheWoods thanks yes I maybe should try the paid version for a week. Ive swiped and swiped dozens, maybe hundreds already tho. Matched with about 20. Subsequently unmatched with half of them after monosyllabic replies. Couple have unmatched me too after a few messages.

Weirdly there are five matches sitting waiting for the conversation to start. The app says Xxx has 24 hours to reply to your opening move question.

Are they waiting for me to start the conversation? Lost interest (I only joined so they must have swiped right on me in the last day or two)? Talking to so many women they can’t get to all the chats?!

It's really odd when they match then don't respond. I've got several of those as well. Can't answer your question but if I've matched then re-read their profile and regret it, I swiftly unmatch. Maybe they like leaving you hanging there? Red flags tbh I guess straight away.

If you’re on Bumble, the woman is meant to send the first message. That’s the whole USP of the site.

It only recently changed that men can answer your prompt or send a compliment and a lot of men aren’t aware of the change and still believe the woman has to open the chat.

I’m finding all your thoughts and reflections fascinating. I can see how the dynamic is very different on OLD and it is very transactional like shopping. But meeting people IRL gets harder and harder as you get older and socialising mostly involves people and places you already know. Im brand new to OLD and have been dating men ive met IRL all my life. I am here to tell you all that they can be just as strange and inexplicable!! The last 10-15 years has definitely become dominated by text messaging and increasingly having to ‘read between the lines’ with texts to get a grip on whether they are interested, keeping you warm, etc. It’s all a minefield! But don’t give up. There are lots and lots of lovely men out there who also just yearn to meet someone they fancy and want to spend quality time with.

Yes very true. I have a very confusing real life situation with a "friend". Some of the men I've met on Tinder have been much more attentive and supportive than he has despite my having known him for perhaps 20 years.

I totally get the fact it’s difficult to meet new people as we get older. I socialise a lot but I generally see the same faces all the time and any new ones who catch my eye invariably have a wedding ring.

Im by nature a people watcher/quiet observer and talking to strangers isn’t something that comes naturally. I’ve got friends who are always chatting to random men when we’re out and about but I’m usually the one standing back.

I have one of these too! Known him for 20 years as well. Sometimes I think he’s my Richard Burton, but deep down I know he’s just an asshole who I inexplicably fancy despite years and years of being disappointed.

Yup. Exactly that. And he kisses like a dream.....

Serious pressure IRL too. I think the rise of texting - and probably covid too - have made us all a little more socially awkward.

Those ones always do! And then we compare everyone else to the guy who doesn’t actually exist because he is in fact a composite of the flawed real life richard burton and the perfect film star we have overlaid on him in our heads!

OMG this is so so true!

I can totally relate and am exactly the same. I’m not uncomfortable meeting and chatting to strangers as I do it a lot at work (don’t we all), but in a dating context I find it so strange, having to make a decision on them after a couple of meets.

@Crushed23 In terms of meeting guys IRL… Hmmm, everywhere really! Last 2 guys that made me feel proper butterflies I met at work, one was lust at first sight, the other I fell for once we started working together closely. Generally I get approached a fair bit at work/ by work related contacts.

Another big category is men I already know, eg someone who had the hots for me 10 years ago may message and I might entertain it.

Then there’s random conversations, eg someone might talk to me at an airport, train etc. These are a bit tricky as you know next to nothing about them but if they’re really attractive or interested I might consider. Likewise anyone else you get talking to in a public space, eg gallery, food market.

Also sometimes meet guys at my gym/ health club. We go to the same activities so as you see the same faces, a chat may start.

I’d like to meet more people at hobby related festivals but because I tend to go alone while others are in groups, there’s a bit of a ‘stare, don’t approach’ vibe.

I think it’s easier in bigger cities, men are far more forward and confident. I live in the countryside so around here someone chatting you up in a public space is rarer.

I think people just don’t have notifications on and don’t check the app within 24h, that’s why the expiring I reckon. I might have a particularly busy 24h period and just not really check my phone.

20 is a very solid number of matches IMO. Good number to reduce down from.

I’m actively chatting to two online, with a view to meeting and that’s probably all I can handle at once anyway!

Not sure if it’s just my area, or if it’s just a fact of life so a thing across all the apps everywhere, but the vast majority of the men seem to be, well, how do I put this diplomatically, well… quite chavvy and/or simpletons.

I have a proper job, financially comfortable, nice house, I’m intelligent, confident, broad network and so on. Clean, tidy, well groomed should really go without saying.

I just don’t think someone with a menial job is going to cut it for me. I just don’t see how we’d have anything to talk about if they don’t read, or have an interest in politics and current affairs, or have some life experience beyond package holidays and pub with the lads.

I don’t mean someone in a trade - I’m definitely not averse to a sexy plumber or builder. But guys who obviously are unskilled call centre/ labourers/ bin men types with tattoos and profile photos which suggest they are sort of simpletons - shaky photos, tracksuits, only half their face, swigging beer, smoking, messy rooms in the background, selfies taken lying on the couch! I mean wtf?!

Sometimes it’s immediately obvious they are unsuitable- even if they’ve managed a decent selfie, there’s a vacant look which just screams “I will bore you to death at best, turn your stomach at worst with teenage level intellect and unevolved opinions”. I feel I have swiped left within half a second on hundreds already. Sometimes the first photo is deceiving but the second or third one has a tongue out or track suit. Occasionally one sneaks through and it’s only after the monosyllabic response that you spot a corner of a high viz jacket in the fourth photo.

I believe Elite Singles is pretty crap. But surely there must be an app which targets people who are at least university educated or in seniorish positions/ skilled trades efc?

Or am I just being wildly snobbish, ridiculously fussy and unrealistic?

I totally get this. It's definitely a problem for me as well. I'm only swiping on those with a degree, masters or PhD for that reason but then might miss an intelligent builder etc as you say 🤔

@PeachyKeane @OchreHedgehog Well, OLD attracts everyone, right, a cross section of society?

But yes. I was just saying earlier, i really don’t think the kind of guy we are looking to date lives on OLD. I’ve met 2 but not many more.

In a big city I would say there’s more of a chance.

I’m not adverse to dating someone from a different background to me, but from experience it doesn’t seem to work.

I'm looking for similar type of guy (also because I want to find someone with a similar lifestyle for going out, holidays etc) and have been on a fair few dates last year, most of them were professionals. Takes a bit of weeding... If you want to find only professional guys, check out the League app. Having said that, I've had more luck in normal dating apps as more people are in them.

Where are we going to find these educated men, then? It's a dilemma. League app sounds worth a shot. That would be for me in the future however once I'm looking perhaps to settle down. For now I'm seeking FWB type situations and dates.

I've lowered my age range on Tinder and getting so much interest from men in their 30s. Why would I want to have NSA fun with an old guy when I could have it with a fit 30 or 40 something 🤔

I agree the apps can be a bit of a platform for low quality men. It's the proverbial needle in haystack.

I use bumble as you can see their level of education. And I'll only date degree-educated men. Narrows the number of dates I go on, but that's fine too. Any time I have compromised & gone for less, there's just not the same affinity.

Interesting! And thanks for confirming I’m not being a horrible snob by qualifying out a lot of the OLD profiles presented to me. There may be many that are a great shag or a laugh, but I just don’t want to spend time with someone who can’t even compose two or three interesting sentences to send as a text.

I’ll have to check out the League app too. Though Im not looking for traditional coupledom/ looking to move in together either. Frankly I don’t think humans are suited to living together 24/7 unless it’s to rear children. I have the (very possibly flawed) idea that having a long term, casual relationship with someone, where you only see them a few times a year for dates and maybe a few wee trips away, might prevent the decline that crept into all my previous relationships after a couple of years. Going from great sex, compliments, effort to dress and plan things… to zero sex, and conversation limited to “what do you want for dinner tonight?” and “for God’s sake if you don’t stop putting plates into the dishwasher the ‘wrong’ way round I am going to have a nervous breakdown!!” 😝

This is exactly where I am. 💯 full agree with all of this. Plus I have an incredible life. Full time satisfying career, 3 incredible children, loads of amazing friends, a really full social life. I just want male company occasionally for exactly what you mention.

In a weird way its quite reassuring to hear there are a lot of 'uneducated' men on OLD, in theory it should make an educated mans chances of matching higher - But I'm not sure it does?!

I'm ( nearly ) 40, am mortgage free, have my own business and generally speaking like nice things in life. I do not have a PHD nor did i go to university but I certainly wouldn't say I was uneducated, so @PeachyKeane don't judge a book by its cover!

Oh, I'm a man btw!

Eek what's a man doing here 👀

I just want someone i can hold a conversation with, that's not a given even with the university educated ones tbh. Some it's like pulling teeth, exhausting.

As a female who is apparently an uneducated ‘chavvy’ simpleton it’s rather unpleasant to read classist slurs on a thread that’s always been supportive and uplifting but seems that’s where we are now.

Maybe we need a new thread where us plebs can discuss our downmarket dating eh