Dating Thread 250 - Autumn

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Mr Cringe noticed I'd been quiet and asked me out right if I wanted to meet up again. I was honest and said I didn't feel there was a connection. Que questions asking if he did anything wrong.
It's disappointing our conversation was great to start he seemed lovely but meeting IRL something about him made me cringe and the 2nd date i felt he was being more sexual and very touchy feely.
I'm talking to someone else know and they asked for my number. The chat just isn't flowing.
I feel like giving up already on the OLD

It’s not that - I always delete the monosyllabic ones straight away.
This one uses sentences but it’s just so dry.. There’s no real back and forth his replies are just pretty full.
it’s hard to explain exactly but when I get a reply it’s just all very flat.

I haven’t replied to his last message yet as I genuinely don’t really know what to say. There’s nothing to go on of that makes sense

@PeachyKeane I think I might send feedback before unmatching “look sorry this feels a bit like pulling teeth so it’s not for me. But so the 30 minutes spent on this haven’t been a total loss for all concerned here’s some constructive feedback: You might want to try sending slightly longer/ more interesting messages in future, or even asking the odd question of a person who matches with you. If might help if you at least pretended to have a vague interest in getting to know someone and had prepared one or two interesting things about yourself”. I imagine it would be received as condescending of course. But surely these men are managing to get anything past the first few text exchanges is beyond me.

@TwistedWonder i assume you fancy him from his photos or otherwise why bother? I think even texting can reveal very quickly whether there’s a connection/ spark or not. Not just as good as body language, but we do seem to have built in radar to read between the lines of any given situation.

Oooh might copy and paste that.

Trouble is that with the good looking ones you get this lack of engagement. Then a really interesting conversation with others who when you meet there's no physical attraction.

Need to have about 5 different men for different purposes 😅😁

Im quite new to OLD and get very few matches so I do try and engage with any that seem suitable. I’m nearly 60 so the pool of decent men at my age is absolutely tiny.

So I do give them a chance if their profile is good which this guys is. Though I’m not responding again, I’m not wasting my time flogging a dead horse. A lot of men say they don’t like messaging which I get but some effort to engage has to be made surely?

I’ve had a look back at the messages and yes they’re dry and flat. So I’m out

I tend to try to meet them ASAP tbh. Then you can see if there is any attraction straight away.

I've made the mistake of having lovely long conversations and really getting on well with them. Then I meet them and know that they're not for me straight away.

We only matched on Sunday night so it’s been two days of messaging and already it’s dry and tedious.
Id rather meet reasonably quickly but I need a level of engagement first to decide if I want a meet up or not

Oh in that case yes definitely. Its so odd isn't it this online dating? I've got various guys of different ages on the go (all younger than me tbh) and the levels of engagement are interesting to see. If they come on too strong initially before we have met, that's as bad for me tbh. Starts putting me off. How can they say I'm amazing when they've not even met me?

Sorry to hear you’re finding it challenging @TwistedWonder. I imagine the pool of decent men (and likely women too) online is small at any age. Many people just aren’t intelligent enough to be articulate/ interesting/ witty and messaging doesn’t suit everyone anyway. Few people really know what they want when we’re past the obvious reasons for relationships - marriage, children, financial coupling, building a life together etc. Companionship and intimacy are probably what us middle/ older singletons are looking for. But people have developed foibles by middle age, many men have become addicted to booze and or porn, people live lives that they feel are embarrassing behind closed doors and we’re all fragile and vulnerable and terrified of being hurt (again!!) or doing damage to others ourselves.

Sorry, that all seems a bit depressing. I’m actually somewhat optimistic about finding someone to hang out with on occasion but am realistic that it will take time and patience.

Such a thoughtful post. I love the way we can talk things out on here. We are all searching for something aren't we, and like you say, it becomes increasingly more difficult to even articulate what that is as time goes by.

Connections with people is so important to us as social animals, I'm sure a lot of the problems nowadays are because people are boxed off and lonely.

Yeh I agree there is an optimum texting/ real life balance. Too much texting feels weird, but too little doesn’t give enough to qualify out obvious mismatches. It seemed easier in the days before texting when you snogged someone at the Saturday might disco, they phoned on Sunday and made a dinner/ cinema arrangement for mid week and by the following weekend you pretty much knew whether it had legs or not!

Yeh Im definitely a bit lonely. Especially in winter. By spring I’ll probably feel better! And yeh, not being able to say definitively “I want X, and I want by X date” means we’re all negotiating something without a bill of quantities, with a supplier who might only be selling bananas when actually it turns out what we needed all along was a gardener. 😂🤷‍♀️

@OchreHedgehog

Tbh for me a man would be a nice to have rather than something I crave. I had a good 27 year marriage and I’m still very amicable with my ex. I have a really great group of friends - single and attached and both sexes - and have several holidays a year, a really active social life and I do love my own space so cohabitating again isn’t in the cards.

I think I’d just like a companion to go on dates, enjoy cozy nights in, holidays, weekends away - just an extra layer to add to my life. That shouldn’t be hard but it seems an impossible task.

I’ve found so many men of my age are terrible communicators, want a replacement wife to look after them or they’re rather sleazy. I’ve had several chats turn sexual really quickly which turns my stomach tbh.

i tried OLD a couple of years ago and had a few dates but if I’m really honest most of them came across as quite desperate and/or bitter.

Ife been getting on with life and thought I’d give it another go and see if it’s improved - it hasn’t. And there’s quite a few of the same faces that were on there previously.

This is me exactly. I'm just treating it as fun atm but perhaps earlier on in the process than you.

Happy new year, dating people!

I've not caught up with this thread in ages.

Such true words @OchreHedgehog - so hard finding someone online at any point in life - it's such a strange platform & so few genuine men on there.

I met Mr Local in October time & am still seeing him.

I've gone for a different approach this time - I didn't feel I had much chemistry with him to start, so it's been a slow burner. I do miss that dopamine hit though! And have been very dependant on that in previous relationships.

Plus the relationship I had with my children's father was so dysfunctional & awful that I really struggle to be in a decent relationship. I wonder if I have gone for someone too "safe".

But the same time, he is lovely, kind, thoughtful, intelligent, has empathy, we have good sex etc.

I just feel like a fish out of water as I've been so long on my own.

Me too.

If a date isn't arranged within a week of matching, without good reason, I assume they're not interested and move on.

I also try to keep messaging to a minimum between arranging the date and the date itself. Just a "Are we still on for tonight?" text on the day usually.

I’d say get it for a week, it also gives you advanced filters etc. Allows you to just look at a list of 100s of men who liked you and pick the ones you like from the lot.

Bloody hell, sounds like I’m talking about online shopping at M&S 🙈😇 Dating in 2025 eh.

But allows you to choose maybe 5-10 matches, take their numbers and get off the app for a bit if you’d like.

I suppose that’s my issue - I’m not seeing the fun at all. I’m just finding it tedious

Maybe it’s just not right for me

I’ve had such a weird one with one of the guys… on the app we had amazing conversations, it was so interesting! Seems like a really good guy too, interesting job, broad range of interests similar to mine.

Now he’s got my number, it’s like talking to a different person! He’s sending little messages or pictures through daily but absolutely nothing engaging. I ask him questions that could potentially lead to very interesting discussions but he just goes ‘not sure, need to think about it’ or something.

@TwistedWonder do you feel like you’re actually interested in getting to know this guy? Or might you find him full because you aren’t that bothered/ invested?

I just sometimes find men repetitive and they bore me because it feels like endless options and I don’t see a reason to actually become interested in any particular one. So feel like I may be poor conversation round about now.

I feel like in 2025 I just want someone to run me off my feet Mr WorkCrush style, tired of texting back and forth with guys I have no serious intentions with.

I just sometimes find men repetitive and they bore me because it feels like endless options and I don’t see a reason to actually become interested in any particular one. So feel like I may be poor conversation round about now.

@ElleintheWoods

I am definitely the unengaging one at times. I just get so bored of some of the chat on OLD. It's just the same thing over and over with guys in my pool. I would love to meet someone organically and skip the tedious getting to know each other messaging.

I don't know if it's because I'm hungover or what, but I'm reflecting on my first few weeks of dating since moving city / restarting my search for a BF, and I've realised that I haven't felt excited once. I've been on dates with 3 different men, engaged with about a dozen on apps, and got chatting to a couple on nights out. Absolutely zero energy from any of them. And looking back at the whole of 2024 I have only hit it off with two men. Is it my bad luck, am I too picky, or is the pool really that bad?!

I feel like it could be a combination of things, right?

Have you done dating apps before, presume you have?

The first time I downloaded an app was 12 months ago. Initially it seemed great, met someone very quickly and deleted it within days. Then 2nd time around again met someone quite quickly and didn’t actively use beyond going out with 3-4 guys over 2-3 weeks.

However the reason why i really advocate against dating apps on here is because they don’t make me feel anything.

When I meet someone IRL that I like, I get excited, look over to them, get excited when we start talking, think about them, want to see them again asap… it’s proper full-on focus on one person who seems special and may or may not work out. I don’t know much about them for starters other than how I feel different around them compared to any other man in the universe at this point in time.

I’ve never felt anything of the sort when using apps. Don’t feel any kind of commitment or excitement from my side, apart from enjoying the social side of meeting someone for a drink and getting to know them. It’s more like ‘ok I’m meeting another guy that wants to get to know me, let’s give them a shot then’

I hate feeling like this about people, it’s not right, and thus I’m not actively doing the apps. I’m just not invested in a guy I’ve picked off a supermarket shelf based on some criteria.

Can you relate to that? Or do you think the lack of interest in these guys has another reason?

And hitting it off with 2 guys in a year is pretty good going, don’t you think? IRL how often would you fancy someone to the point of getting a bit attached?

I think the whole concept of OLD is so alien to my experience of life and relationships.

I’ve only actually ever had 4 partners - 2 years, 3 years, 27 years and 2 years - and never really dated other than that. So going in cold so to speak and chatting to random strangers that I’ve never met seems a really strange scenario.

I think it’s really difficult to get any real feel for someone you’ve never met. It seems the wrong way round. Previously I’ve met someone then got know them already knowing there was some sort of connection.

The few dates I has from my previous attempt at OLD I found it quite odd sitting across from a stranger trying to work out how I felt.

Not sure if I’m making sense but that’s how I feel with OLD.

@ElleintheWoods Yes I definitely prefer meeting IRL and especially when it's unexpected. One of the guys I sparked with in 2024 i met IRL on a day I was so close to staying home but was convinced last minute to buy a ticket (to a rave) and tag along to a group I don't socialise much with. The whole 'this could so not have happened' aspect of meeting each other was exhilarating. With OLD, it's like you're shopping for someone, I agree, and you go into it with so many expectations.

I don't want to give up the apps and only look IRL because a) I don't go out all that much compared to when I was younger, b) most men I like the look of are already taken, whereas on the apps you know everyone is single (in theory), and c) since I'm looking for something serious rather than just fun, I do need to filter out characteristics that won't work for me long term, e.g. they're from out of town, they have kids, etc. which is easier to do on OLD.

I will still make an effort to meet guys IRL though.

Where are you meeting men IRL, out of interest?

It's good that we can discuss all sides of OLD. The excitement, hopefulness but also the frustrations and struggles. I've been feeling a bit sombre today seeing everyone's online posts. I'm at the ages where alot of people are having babies and building families so finding it particularly tough seeing it today.
I'm trying to stay positive and hopeful though